Do I just accept no man will ever date me?

[willitrainforever]

I am later 40's and have two children of young primary age.

When I go out I do get attention from men my age, been speed dating, loads of interest, venture on line, loads of interest. Went on date recently and the man described me as 'Intelligent, engaging and beautiful'.
It goes really, really well, until I mention my kids, then a look of horror goes across their face (if in real life) or online, they disappear or say something like 'shame - you seemed so cool' and then disappear.

I am at the right age to jump in at the pool of divorced men - but they all have older kids and I get why they don't want to go back and do all that again.

I feel really, really sad. I'd love a new relationship but don't feel like it will ever happen, not because of me, but because of my situation.

Should I just give up?

As a 40 year old man and resident parent, I found dating pretty easy across a wide range of ages, with and without kids.

As a resident parent it made it very difficult to progress relationships with women that had kids (all were resident parents) due to logistics. Most of the childless women didn't seem to mind I was a full time single dad (I was upfront). Some didn't really like or want kids, so they weren't for me (why date me though? 🤷‍♂️).

The right person will take you for the package you are. It might bring your potential dates down, and watch out for players, but you'll be fine. How long have you been OLD out of interest?

Well yeah lots of men can want all kinds of things, might say they do not want single mums, etc. but who cares what they want? I care what I want, I advise the OP to care the same. I know of at least two men who had the same views on single mums not being relationship material... one of them has been my DP for the last 5 years, and the other fell for a single mum and is still nursing his wounds after she dumped him after 2 years...

Also what does "progress" mean? Just hang out with a person until it's not fun anymore. Then stop hanging out with them. Hang out with them more if you want to hang out with them more. Less if you want less... the longevity of a relationship isn't an indication of its success. Unless one is financially insecure and needs to depend on a spouse, I suppose.

Equally, you can have a wonderful relationship with someone who never even meets your children... it doesn't have to be an issue unless folk make it one.

I find that the people who get the most defensive about these types of issues, who fret about "taking on children" and "progressing" and somehow marketing themselves to an imaginary group of men who sound like twunts anyway, tend to be the same ones to whom it's never occurred that they can simply look for a relationship on their own terms.

Decide what you want, and pursue it aggressively and without apology. It quickly weeds out the arseholes. You'll lose quantity and gain quality.

What @rvby said 👏

People vary, not everything is black and white, my dp has a slightly older friend in his 40s who was divorced (quite a while) with a young adult DD.

He is (I would say) above average looks, good personality, has a good job, economically well set up. I actually saw/knew him around (small world) through my work at the time and would certainly have been interested in him if I'd had any opportunities to do more than look at each other across a conference room. At that point I was early, almost mid 30s and was v focused on meeting s partner to progress to having a child or ideally two.

What I now know from my dp has said is that he's never gave been interested in me (beyond casual dating/shag if it went that far) because he did not want more children of his own and (rightly) presumed that women like me would want at least one. He was however totally open to being involved with single mums whose kids were perhaps past the very young stage and that's exactly who he has gotten involved with and since married.

A single mum with a child who I think.was still primary when they got involved but not very young. She wax renting I think and she and her DD moved into his house even before they marrued. My dp would say he actually wanted a "family" in his house, so was perhaps even more open to a woman with a child/reb than not.

So .. it's not all clear-cut and it's always worth using that rhino hide you need for old and keeping going, knowing that suitable matches are hard to find but it's a numbers game.

I should clarify - in case that sounded like my dp told me 'that guy would never have been interested in you etc" ... It was me who came to the conclusion that he'd never have been interested in me back then from what my dp unwittingly told me about him in general conversation.

I realised the irony of how I would've thought at the time; being younger, no ties, no children to "take on", professional, same industry etc. that if have an advantage ... It was the opposite, a man like that dud not want to start from scratch again with babies and young kids, but was happy to combine with a family like the single mum he had married (and clearly dud t care about what her economic/education status is either).

*has married

It sounds op, like you've met men who had their kids quite young, and that you need to bump into men who had them s bit older, si that their kids are not dissimilar in age to yours .. and they're not baulking at the idea of dating (and perhaps eventually blending families with) someone with quite young kids.

I’m not an expert on OLD, so what do people think; is it worth using a site which you pay for just to get better level if detail on profiles?

I think you've been unlucky. I know quite a few single mums who've gone on to have long term relationships.

Make sure you've ticked on your profile that you have kids (though I know half the time men don't look at the profiles.)

Mention the kids in your very first message in reply to someone, that will wean out the timewasters.

Please dont advertise the fact that you have young children to strangers online.

Do be alert for pedophiles if advertising the fact you have young children on your profile

It's a tough one you advertise you have kids you could get the wrong sort of attention, you don't and then you will most likely end up with lots of dates going no where as when you tell then they do a runner.

For me personally kids would be a deal breaker, there may be some men out there who want a blended family and who would like to lend a hand in their up bringing but I would say that is alot more like gold dust, with kids unless you have got good child care arrangements dating is going to be hard work and blokes won't want to schedule something weeks in advance or calling the date off at the last min cause the kids are ill, unfortunately you will just have to keep at it until you find someone.

I've been OLD for just over a year. I have slightly older children (mid and just starting secondary) who are resident with me most of the time.

I don't mention them in my profile. I'm not looking for a dad for them, I'm looking for a date for me. Eventually, if things got serious, I would want them to meet my kids but for initial chatting/dating its an irrelevance, apart from limiting my availability for long dates/dates which aren't local to when they are at their dad's. I will always say before a date though, although I don't define myself by my parenthood it is obviously a big part of my life. I think I've had one negative reaction, that's all.

That said the practicalities of dating as a single parent are hard, epecially if youre dating another single parent. Weekends off that don't match, changes in childcare arrangements, money pressures, stress with exes... but I'm still hanging on to the hope of someone being out there even if it makes me a while to find them!

If you are on OLD then you should be clear in your profile about having children. Some men will not want to date a woman who has kids so it gives them the chance to scroll on by.

When I was looking the 2DC would have been a plus for me. Mine is an only child and I always thought the blending thing might be nice. I’m sure the reality would have been a slightly bumpier ride than the daydream

Well yeah lots of men can want all kinds of things, might say they do not want single mums, etc. but who cares what they want?

They care about what they want. As the OP is finding, a lot of men don’t want to take on someone else’s kids. Not all men, some men are happy to date a woman with kids but a single mother with small kids will have a much smaller dating pool than a woman with older kids.

My story may give you hope....
I had 2 young children, a difficult & feckless ex husband, was struggling to pay my mortgage to the point of losing my home and the icing on the cake, my dad was diagnosed with cancer so as well as being an emotional wreck, I also had zero time off from my dc!

Long story short, I met someone who seemed to take all that on the chin. So if I can find someone, there's hope for anyone!

You're just weeding out the wrong ones, that's all.

You'll find your prince, there are just a whole lotta frogs in the pond.

A pp is right it really is just a numbers game. Keep on keeping on and you'll find the right person.

How strange, my son was 11 when I started online dating and I can honestly say it was not an issue, not once. However, I did mention him in my profile, so presumably any man who wasn't interested in a relationship with someone who has kids wouldn't even get in touch.

It's a numbers game, there's someone out there somewhere, you just have to sort through the crap to find them.

I’m not sure about making it clear you’ve young kids in your profile. To be honest there is some weirdos out there who target women with young kids to get close to them. I’d be hesitant but would say i have children.

Thanks everyone

Good advice from @rvby - must remember the Streets song 'Take me as I am, or watch me walk away'.

Please don't advertise the fact that you have young children to strangers online You're right. I think I will change the profile back again, and then just tell people who I've chatted to and are interested. I don't want to attract paedophiles. I did message a handful of men yesterday who were interested (before I changed the profile) and told them all I had young children - none have got back to me....

Thanks for the hopeful stories especially @allfalldown47 so glad it worked out for you.

I have been looking for a new relationship for about a year, but only online recently. Keep on going I guess! Thanks so much for taking the time to give me your advice and experiences.