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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was this me?

58 replies

LockdownLoser · 23/07/2020 08:57

DD and I had been in the bathroom brushing her hair, she is 12. We come out and she goes into her room and I sit on my bed.

DP comes in and says is everyone finished in the bathroom, I'm going to have a shower.

Now there is me, DD12, DS15 and DS8 in the house. So I havent a clue if anyone else wants to use the bathroom so I mimes mind reading and said well I dont know, just give them a shout.

So he starts shouting at me that I am being snotty and I knew he meant are DD and I finished.

I am a bit like WTF? I wasn't being snotty, flippant maybe but honestly how do I know wether teenagers are wanting to use the bathroom, its a small house, from where he was stood he could have shoutef, does anyone need the bathroom and they would have answered.

So he storms off downstairs and sits there for half an hour waiting for me to apologise, I was sat upstairs thinking, hmm that was odd, I am sure he will come and apologise when he calms down.

Well I didn't grovel in my alloted half an hour so he went home. Then spent hours texting me how I was snotty and he is not being spoken to like shit and I should accept responsibility. I apologised that I came across snottily, reassured him that it wasn't my intentions at all and said that I was confused how it had kicked off. I apologised several times but he wouldn't let it drop.

Then he accuses me of having other men round because I thought we had watched a film together, the film was released in 2009 so actually I must have watched it with my ex, but because I thought it was him I must have watched it recently and therefore am having other men round to watch films.

Anyway in the end I said I am tired of arguing and I am going to sleep.

This morning he sends me a message saying can we just start again, I am tired of arguing.

I said no I don't think we should just pretend nothing happened, because the same thing happened last week and I bit my tongue and swept it under the carpet and it's not a healthy way to have a relationship.

So apparently I have ended the relationship. Thats it its over, because my options are pretwnd it never happened or split up.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/07/2020 10:27

It doesn't matter if you were snotty, sarcastic or snappy, nothing justifies his shouting, sulking, running off home nor his tone in his texts demanding apologies and totally blaming you when his behaviour was far far worse.

I also don't read your morning text as finishing things, I read it as not wanting to sweep this under the carpet again and wanting to resolve it through communication.

He doesn't want to discuss it because he's realised he's reaction was unacceptable and is a person who can't apologise even when aware he's wrong, so wants to just forget it. Or he is completely oblivious to his awful behaviour and will never accept he could in anyway be wrong so thinks you should let it go as obviously you are just being silly having an imagined issue with him cos he's Mr Perfect.

Neither of these scenarios are great. I'd take the get out clause he's offered you - he was obviously expecting you to beg him to stay while groveling and accepting full responsibility!

As for the acquisitions of other men based on the film watching memory error. WTF. He's either so desperate to be in the right, he'll make up crap to belittle you, or he actually believes it. Again neither scenario is great.

He'll be back in a couple of days when he realises you haven't been trained enough yet to take this level of shite and begged him to come back. I suggest you block him before you get sucked back in.

echodot · 23/07/2020 10:27

I couldn't be arsed with it all. You have 3 kids, what is this telling them about relationships?

Scoobyscoobedydoo · 23/07/2020 10:28

Aw OP, this just all sounds a bit shit . I think you know it is making you unhappy and what you need to do.

Mummacake · 23/07/2020 10:32

OP, draw a line under it and move on. You'll end up walking on eggshells and constantly apologising. That's no life. His mask has slipped and he's showing you you he is. I suggest that you listen.

Lsquiggles · 23/07/2020 10:33

He sounds incredibly boring and hard work, he didn't need to make it into a big a deal as he did. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship anyway, you know this too

Original poster

LockdownLoser · 23/07/2020 10:36

@Thingsdogetbetter that is exactly how I see it at the moment so I am glad its not just me who sees it that way. I was doubting myself.

He was so angry too, I am really small, 5ft 2 and 8stone and he is twice as heavy and much taller, stood over me while i am sat on the bed shouting at me. No I didn't immediately apologise because I was reeling. One minute we are having a normal conversation and the next he is really angry.

As soon as he calmed down I apologised, over and over.

I don't know why I am still playing it over, I should just accept it is over and thank my lucky stars. We clearly aren't right for each other.

OP posts:

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 23/07/2020 10:37

I'd leave him over the red flag of him accusing you of seeing other men. Really really big red flag, sorry. Show your kids it's not OK for someone to treat you like this. You are modelling relationships for them and they need to see you not accept this.

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/07/2020 10:38

OP, draw a line under it and move on. You'll end up walking on eggshells and constantly apologising.

^This.

OhCaptain · 23/07/2020 10:41

Don’t let that man back into your children’s home.

It doesn’t matter who was snotty and who wasn’t.

What the fuck sort of reaction is that?! Red flags everywhere.

Sakurami · 23/07/2020 10:41

You were snotty. It's not his house nor his children so probably didn't feel comfortable shouting at everyone and wanted you, as the mother and owner of the house, to confirm if everyone had finished so he could use the shower.

Onemansoapopera · 23/07/2020 10:42

"It doesn't matter if you were snotty, sarcastic or snappy, nothing justifies his shouting, sulking, running off home nor his tone in his texts demanding apologies and totally blaming you when his behaviour was far far worse"

No that's not right. You're saying people can be arseholes with no reaction and that's not correct.

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/07/2020 10:44

We clearly aren't right for each other.

You are minimising. He shouts at you, tries to intimidate you by standing over you to the point where you need to apologise 'over and over.' Storms out, plus he accuses you of cheating and expects you to get over it when it suits him.

This is not a good man.

Hailtomyteeth · 23/07/2020 10:47

Save arguments by never bringing men to the house where your children live.

Sack this one for sure.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/07/2020 10:49

I get that he might have preferred you to check if your kids were done with the shower but other than that, his reactions were OTT and the film thing is v weird. one man soap opera - she wasn't an arsehole, just gave a slightly sarky comment and yes you can react if someone acts in a way you don't like but sulking and storming off is not the way to react unless you are under 12.

BurtsBeesKnees · 23/07/2020 10:52

He sounds exhausting, storming off, keeping a daft argument going, then accusing you of having men round. Sorry op but in your shoes I'd let him believe what he wants and finish the relationship.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/07/2020 11:28

Good riddance to bad rubbish

Shizzlestix · 23/07/2020 11:30

I’m sorry, OP, he sounds horrible. Accusing you of having other men round? What the heck?? Treading on eggshells is not good.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/07/2020 11:35

He sounds like hard work. I agree, I’d stick with it ending, even though that wasn’t what you meant.

FWIW if my DP talks about a film he thinks he’s seen with me (we have Cineworld membership so see A LOT of films!) and I haven’t seen it, I’ll joke “no, must have been with your other girlfriend”. He watches movies with his brothers, his DDs, his friends and on his own, so I wouldn’t automatically assume that if he thinks he saw it with me, he must have been with another woman! Madness. Utter madness.

He sounds paranoid and insecure, sack him off.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/07/2020 11:37

And the mind reading thing may have been a bit snarky or sarcastic and I can see why maybe he didn’t feel it was his place to shout and ask if anyone needed the bathroom, but the normal response to your mind reading skit would have been a sarcastic “oh ha ha very funny, you know what I meant!” not to storm off and accuse you of all sorts.

Chickenwing · 23/07/2020 11:46

The mind reading response is so annoying but it doesnt merit a grown man shouting and storming off. The major issue is him accusing you of watching a movie with another man, that is a huge red flag and a sign of worse to come. I would end the relationship over that comment he is being completely irrational.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 23/07/2020 12:00

The bathroom incident could easily be overcome in a normal,respectful relationship either by laughing it out or acknowledging the miscommunication and both partners apologising.

The cheating accusations are a massive red flag and more than enough to end the relationship even without everything else.

With each update he sounds worse and worse and not only are you better off without him, you'll probably be safer too.

I had to laugh though at the "he wasn't comfortable enough to ask the teens in your house" but somehow he was comfortable enough to shout at their mother in her house.

fflelp · 23/07/2020 12:09

Nah - he sounds like a nightmare. Get rid.
Your comment about the shower might have sounded a bit snotty but you apologized.
Having to apologize 5 times is not acceptable.
1 apology is sufficient - if someone does not accept the apology or insists on several more apologies then they have issues and I would see that as a red flag.
The whole business about having men round to watch films is ridiculous.
This man has anger and jealously issues. Hell's bells - he doesn't even live with you and he's going on like this. It will only get rid of it.
If you've inadvertently dumped him by text this morning then good.... let him stay dumped.
If you think he's not clear enough that he is dumped, dump him again.

Arrivederla · 23/07/2020 12:11

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

The bathroom incident could easily be overcome in a normal,respectful relationship either by laughing it out or acknowledging the miscommunication and both partners apologising.

The cheating accusations are a massive red flag and more than enough to end the relationship even without everything else.

With each update he sounds worse and worse and not only are you better off without him, you'll probably be safer too.

I had to laugh though at the "he wasn't comfortable enough to ask the teens in your house" but somehow he was comfortable enough to shout at their mother in her house.

Exactly this.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/07/2020 12:59

God this sounds like hard work. Tbh I dont condone hes reaction but then again you dont seem to accept that your comment was sarcastic, it wouldve pissed me off too. I get that you apologised but only once he had forced an apology and to me it sounds like you've apologised to shut him up not because you felt you were in the wrong. Those things make me feel that this may be a standard response style from you which may go some way to explain why hes 'overreacting'

I also agree it sounds like you're ending things in you latest message.

I could be way off here but in any case the main thing in getting is that it sounds like you just dont get on and rub eachother up the wrong way.

If this isnt simply a case of maybe the current pressures adding to the relationship I would put some serious thought into calling a day on this. Nothing is worth that much drama.

Original poster

LockdownLoser · 23/07/2020 13:12

I have said several times that my comment was sarcastic and that whilst I didn't mean to cause upset I can see why it did. I apologised 5 times, who does that to shut someone up.

I feel like he should have apologised too but I didn't push the point because that's never going to happen.

Had he said, there's no need to be sarcy or please don't speak to me like that, I would have immediately apologised and that would have been an end to it. It didn't need blowing up out of all proportion, shouting at me and storming off.

I struggle to believe that some people on the thread never misjudge a jokey comment or be short with anyone ever.

OP posts:

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