I can do this, can't I....

[PositivityNeeded]

I'm newly single (we broke up yesterday- it was inevitable but was hoping it would end with us being kind to each other but he went in on me in the worst way and lots of absolutely horrible stuff came out on his texts - massive head trip for me - he clearly never loved me). Laid here in my car feeling shellshocked, scared, alone and worried. He's leaving this morning and I'm scared to go back until he's gone. He can't take everything in one go so he'll have to keep coming back. Although it was inevitable and ultimately for the best, I feel so so sad.

I can't afford to live in the house by myself so will have to sell. I've no money, a child (not with him) to support. I've never been alone before. I have no help or support. I have no idea how to do maintenance. There's so much I need to learn and fast. My head is spinning, my heart is breaking. Please can anyone give advice on how to get through.

Of course you can do it. First things first...do you work? Get any benefits?

As soon as he's gone, go back home and make yourself a nice drink and have a bath. Wash away the memory of the shithead.

Then find out what benefits you're entitled to and speak to your mortgage lender.

Those are the keys to getting all the worrysome things fixed.

Do you have family or friends to support you? How old is your child?

Anyone who is mean like this and says hurtful things doesn't deserve to be in your life.

You will be so much happier in a year's time.

You can do it Do it one step at a time. At times, you'll realize you enjoy your own company and not having him around etc.

You could write down a list of stuff that needs doing then tackle them one by one.

Make sure to make time for things you enjoy, even if it's just something like sitting with a hot drink, going online etc. xx

Please keep us updated as to how you get on.

It may not seem like it now but being in a relationship with someone who isn't right is 100000x worse than being on your own.

First few weeks, even months will be 'strange' but before you know it i guarantee you will look back and know it was the best decision you ever made.

Do you have friends/family for support?

ATB OP xx

Thank you all for writing positive things. It keeps hitting me in waves. A list is good. I do freelance work so my income is not fixed. I'll look into what benefits I might be able to receive.

I'm shellshocked that based on what he said, my life these past few years have been a lie. He never loved me.

His last few texts last night were awful. How can someone turn on you so quickly and easily. Accusing me of stuff that isn't true.

I can't think straight.

First of all, ignore everything he says. In fact, block him. He's laid his cards out early and proved he's no friend.

Many people rewrite history in their own head when leaving a partner. Although painful, it may help to keep his "j'accuse" in case he tries his luck a couple of months down the line.

It doesn't mean he didn't love you. But his method of dealing with emotional pain is to lash out. Not healthy for anyone.

You can do this. Set yourself small goals each day of things to achieve like looking at benefits or just having a chilled out bath. Write down things that make you smile so you can have a look at them later on when you’re feeling down

Be kind to yourself. You are grieving. And need time to adjust.

UC are good for fluctuating incomings. They are calculated month by month. So worth looking into.

Do you get child support for your dc? I know from experience how hard this is to achieve having not had a penny in 2 years. But keep pursuing.

Get home and start sorting things out so his belongings are in one place for him to collect. Move things around a little at home make it different. Buy new sheets for your bed.

Gather good people around to listen. So you have safe place to off load. And reduce contact with ex to just about collecting belonging and any financial matters. Ignore everything else.

Seek support from your GP and counselling if you feel you are struggling. Sadly it takes time. Remember to eat and drink when you can. And go Day by day. You will cry less and feel less hurt in time.

Take things one thing at a time OP. Ending a relationship is big and there are probably a million things going round in your head. Deal with ONE thing at a time and day by day - you will get there.
Take pleasure in the little things you can do now on your own even if thats only having complete control of the TV remote - or deciding exactly what you want to make for dinner that's YOUR favourite not your ex's. There are lots of women on here who have been there & done it - so absolutely 100% you can do this on your own. Good Luck

Thank you so much everyone. I made a list (a big one!) of stuff to do and have tackled the first two things. Made some phone calls.

I've just got back and he's still here. Sa on the sofa, smile on his face, watching TV, nothing packed, like nothing's happened. I'd psyched myself up for him to be gone and for me to be able to just fall apart and then start packing up stuff. I've asked why he's still here and he's nowhere to go so he's staying until he has. If my head wasn't messed up enough already....

I've just ploughed on with my list and staying out of his way.

Oh god, that's a horrible situation to be in. Frankly I don't think there's any connection between truth and reality when someone's behaving like that.

In terms of insults thrown, I mean.

Hello @unicornsarereal72 - thank you for your kind advice. I get £230 a month child support and am looking into UC's as we speak. My job provides anything between £150 and £300 per month.

Looking into other things too. Your advice is so helpful. Both in a practical and emotional sense.

@HollowTalk it feels cruel for him to be here when he said he'd be gone. It's not affecting him at all. Sat munching crisps and burping loudly whilst I'm upstairs trying not to fall apart. Just focusing on the list I've compiled and trying to be positive. He's not remotely bothered.

who owns the house?

I own it. I pay all bills and my savings have dwindled. He pays for food and petrol and gives me money every so often (£50 to £200, depending on his pay) to top up my account. I'm barely making it now let alone when he's gone. It's worrying me but I'm trying to find my way out.

Will he be leaving the house today? If so, lock the doors and call a locksmith. Is his key ring not in his pocket? If so, remove the door key. It's your property, if he kicks off, call the police. He has no right to be sitting there.

If you own it and you're not married, change the locks when he's out. He has NO rights at all.

Get him out OP- he’s treated you appallingly and now he’s sitting in YOUR HOUSE on YOUR SOFA watching YOUR TV smiling away while you’re having to hide upstairs to stay out of his way.... you can do this! I had to leave a relationship 4 years ago and I had a DC and a dog to look after with nowhere to go and not a penny to my name. I know it’s terrifying to be alone but it’s even more terrifying to be with the wrong person for the rest of your life. Each day that passes with him staying in YOUR home is another day that prevents you from moving on and starting your new life. You WILL be ok OP 💐💐💐💐

Tell him to get out. It's not your problem that he has nowhere to go to. You spent last night in your car - now it's his turn.

Stay strong - we're all behind you.

Give him a deadline date to get out of the house. If he doesn't phone the police and have him removed.

So he gets to be abusive to you/never loved you etc then sits there like lord muck in YOUR house???

Absolutely zero fucking chance!!!

I also don't think he would behave like a reasonable person and contribute or actively look for somewhere else either, so agree with previous posters get him out.

Thank you everyone for helping. I've said he's got until Friday next week and also sent it by text to which he's replied 'I'll leave when I've got somewhere'. I feel at least I've proof I've asked him to leave in a fair time and he's received it. I'm between being fair as I know he's got nowhere but also not letting him remain here indefinitely so given him a week. He's jokingly even asked for sex later. I've asked two estate agents to come a week Saturday and value the house. This can be a starting point as to what can happen. The adrenaline of yesterday plus lack of sleep two nights has exhausted me so sorry if not reading coherently.

Kick him out now. Why wait? Surely he has no claim if it’s your house?

It is YOUR house! Tell him (not ask) to leave. Today. And if he won't go, call tbe police. And change the licks once he's gone!

Get his stuff and start putting it outside.