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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can you be friends with an ex you still love ?

46 replies

geereer · 22/07/2020 20:08

I still love him
He doesn't want to be with me BUT we speak every day still.
It hurts
I asked if he wanted to go for some food and he said no.
Then he rang me for a chat
I don't think I can do it.
What do I do ?

OP posts:
Bitchinkitchen · 22/07/2020 20:09

Nope! Block, cry, move on.

audreyand · 22/07/2020 20:11

No way

Whathewhatnow · 22/07/2020 20:12

No. Save yourself a world of pain.

He is doing this for his own ends. If he really loved you he would (cliche) not want to hurt you like this. I tried with someone I really loved, at his instigation, when my instincts were to run.
Mistake.
I got a continual reminder that I was enough for a chat and a night out but nothing more.
It will do your head in.
6 months down the line when you've moved on?
Maybe. But not now. You are putting his needs above your own.
A big hug. Xx

babbi · 22/07/2020 20:12

No , block and move on .
Otherwise it’s constant pain for you .
I’m sorry , I know it’s tough

crustycrab · 22/07/2020 20:17

No. You have to block him then delete his number. You'll regret anything else

Habbyhadno · 22/07/2020 20:18

Nope. Rip that plaster off or you'll spend forever in mental turmoil.

category12 · 22/07/2020 20:23

No, it would be better for you to have time out from it. Maybe in a few months time you could try to rebuild a friendship, but while you're still in love with him and wanting him, staying in touch is just hurting you and conscience-saving/ego-boosting for him. Don't do it to yourself.

snowone · 22/07/2020 20:30

Absolutely not. Sorry 😔

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 22/07/2020 20:33

No no no no no. I tried this once and it dragged what should have been a painful but brief breakup on for about 2 years. We actually do have a proper friendship now that I don't have feelings for him anymore, but I so wish I could go back and skip those toxic few year of "friendship" that were basically just me humiliating myself in the belief that at some point he'd want me back. Save yourself the pain and take however long it takes to get over him before trying to be friends. Don't let him manipulate you into running around desperately trying act like you're still his gf, where he gets all the benefits but with no commitment or effort on his part.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2020 20:33

No you can’t. And you don’t have a chance of healing if you talk to him every day.

Why did you break up? Why are you still talking to him so much?

geereer · 22/07/2020 20:40

To put it bluntly he wanted to sleep around.
His best friend became single and I think he got a taste for the single life.
I thought a few months without me he might miss me or get the sleeping around out of his system.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 22/07/2020 20:43

Nope

BrowncoatWaffles · 22/07/2020 20:47

@geereer

To put it bluntly he wanted to sleep around. His best friend became single and I think he got a taste for the single life. I thought a few months without me he might miss me or get the sleeping around out of his system.
Even if he gets it out of his system, you deserve better than him and better than this.

Block and move on. Don't let him use you and keep you dangling to feed his ego.

Bitchinkitchen · 22/07/2020 20:48

You need an STI test, he was absolutely sleeping around before he broke up with you.

Michellebops · 22/07/2020 20:49

You deserve more than waiting on someone who's sleeping around and then chatting to you daily. He's keeping you in the wings and because you love him you'll wait while he essentially uses you. He possibly had plans to go meet someone which is why he turned you down for a meal.

You should be going out to have fun and find someone new, you deserve to be happy and settle down with someone who wants you in the same way you want them.

RaspberryToupee · 22/07/2020 20:54

No. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. To save you the admission price, I’ll give you a rundown of how this will go.

He’ll keep contacting you just enough to stop you getting over him. You’ll have all these deep conversations, he’ll open up to you in ways he didn’t when you were dating. Occasionally you might think you’re close to getting back together. He’ll say things like “nobody gets me like you”, “I love it when it’s like this between us”, “I can just be myself with you”. He might organise events that look like a date between couples, watching a film in the dark, inviting you over to watch the latest series of the thing you binge watched together. There might be some cuddling on the sofa. Then when he fucks someone else he’ll play the victim “but we’re just friends, why can’t I be with someone else”. Then if you dare to move on and date someone else, expect moping followed by the “I still love you” calls or the “I’m so depressed since we broke up, especially now you’re moving on” calls. Expect him to call you with some bullshit emergency when you’re on dates. He won’t still be in love with you or actually want to get back together. He’ll only be depressed because you won’t be his toy anymore. As soon as you go back to fawning all over him, he’ll move you back to the friend zone, keeping you dangling on that short string and you should be supportive of him as he waves his dating life in front of you. He’ll tell you all about the women he dates and the women he just fucks. You’ll know their names. All of them. For some of them, he’ll tell you he thinks he’s got a “real future with her”. If he’s a real catch, he might sleep with you a few times during all this but tell you it was a mistake because you’re friends but he got caught up in the moment but as good as the sex was, it just doesn’t work between you two.

You need some time and space. You can go back to being friends when you’re over him and he’s realised you’re not his toy anymore (if you want to, you might be completely done with him). However, that can only happen if you have that space and don’t allow his toxic behaviour to get in the way of your moving on.

GroggyLegs · 22/07/2020 20:56

Have you listened to 'New Rules' by Dua Lipa? She's not wrong.

Don't answer his calls/texts.
Don't be his friend.
Do not shag him ever again.

You deserve better.

Whathewhatnow · 22/07/2020 21:25

So true about New Rules :)

fflelp · 22/07/2020 21:34

No. Definitely block on everything.
I've been through this and it does you know good whatsoever.
My ex wanted us to stay "friends" but this was basically so he'd have a plan B if he didn't manage to find someone better. Long story and I won't bore you - but your self-esteem ends up rock bottom if you allow this to go on.

Get a 3 month calendar up on the fridge. Mark 30, 60 and 90 days from now. On those days write something as a reward. If you go 30 days without contacting him you get your 30 day treat. At 60 days you get a 60 day treat.
This was the only way I could stop myself from contacting my fuckwit ex. It worked wonderfully.
The treats can be anything - like a clothes shopping day, a day trip somewhere you've always wanted to go, spa day etc.

fflelp · 22/07/2020 21:35

no not know... ffs.

Faith50 · 22/07/2020 21:45

No, it will not work if you are still in love with him. You will secretly hope he will change his mind and feel like shit when he moves on with another woman.

One of my friend's found herself in this situation. She stayed friends in order to be close to her ex. She knew about ex's girlfriends and was happy to sleep with him whenever the relationships ended. She was the 'fall back' and it made her feel crap and at the same time gave her a flitter of hope.

You are worth so much more than hanging around hoping a man will eventually see your worth.

CoopsMalloops · 22/07/2020 22:43

No.
It will crush your self esteem while you hang around waiting for him to change his mind back and wondering why you aren’t good enough. (Which is bullshit).

Chin up x

Dery · 22/07/2020 23:54

Nope.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/07/2020 23:57

No it won't work

Shmithecat2 · 23/07/2020 00:00

No, it's too hard.

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