DP said today he is 'slowing down' sexually. What to do..

[namechangesubject]

Been together a long time.

He's early 40s, I'm early 30s. DC but not at the demanding ages. He drinks between 4-6 cans most nights which I bring up but I know he won't change that.

In the past year, I've noticed he has been less adventurous in sex. He still initiates quite often but equally if he's working away, he doesn't seem bothered or mention on the phone he misses it or anything. It's become mostly quickies and sometimes feels a little like he's doing it 'for me' or maybe because the frequency is kind of expected after being consistent for many years.

I never overtly initiate, I just never have, it's not me. I'll go up and kiss his neck etc to signal, but I've always left it up to the partner to take it forward or not. It's a rejection fear on my part I think.

Me on the other hand, my drive seems to be increasing in my 30s.

Today he brought up (I didn't ask) he thinks he's 'slowing down' in that area, said he used to masturbate every other day but now rarely can be bothered and just waits/looks forward until we get the chance to do it. And he doesn't get the urge again until about at least 5 days after each time. Said jokingly 'im past my prime and it's probably only going to get worse' . It's weird the way he brought it up in a humorous way. He sounded a bit nervous.

Don't get me wrong, he very obviously still enjoys it.

I'm sad though. Sex is a big part of our connection, and my drive has just ramped up since I turned 30!! My ideal would be every other day most of the time and at some days in my cycle, three times a day.

I feel sad that having been together since my teens, I'm just getting into my stride and he's 'winding down' .

If you've got this far, is there anything that can be done..

No that’s not normal at his age. Have a read of the attached link and have a think about the paragraph below - what is relevant to him and what can he choose to take steps to address to restore his libido for the sake of your marriage? Clue: they are all connected.....show him the article and ask him if he is going to choose alcohol over his marriage and family. Because these two things combined will erode it v fast.

“But sometimes loss of sex drive is related to an underlying condition. Depression, stress, alcoholism, illicit drug use and fatigue often can be factors in loss of sex drive in men.”

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/expert-answers/loss-of-sex-drive/faq-20058237

He should have his testosterone levels checked. You can even order a kit to take a sample at home and then send to a lab.

Could he be concerned about another pregnancy?

It's his alcohol intake which will be generating lots of issues with his health. He really needs to do something about it.

I've brought up the alcohol link to him many a time and he point blank refuses to change. He uses it for stress relief and his friends drink too.

He actually mentioned that it could be less testosterone himself. I said yes drink causes that. Can it be done without a blood test, I'll look and see. He won't go to the doctors, has been twice in 13 years.

I know it's not the be all and end all, but it does matter to me. I've been with him since my late teens, I'd only ever experienced frankly totally shit sex before him, and I have some body image issues. So for me to just be getting into my stride and exploring what I like and he goes 'off the boil' so to speak. It does matter to me.

I was on antidepressants and they dampened my drive right down. Maybe should go back on them. I don't want to dampen it down though.

run just run

op my boyfriend is an alcoholic, sober two years now and we had sex loads when he was drunk and now..... well once every six weeks and getting longer

I think it's actually good that he brought it up (no pun intended). So many women are left feeling rejected and insecure when a man starts to slow down with age (and we all know in this case his drinking isn't helping) and too many men put the blame onto the woman because they can't accept they are no longer as virile as they once were.

He's being open (albeit disguised in humour), so I think you should be too. Ask him if he thinks his drinking might be affecting him more now he's older. Might he be willing to see the doctor. Or exercise with you. Would he be willing to increase the quality as the quantity reduces?

Mismatched sex drives isn't that unusual in a relationship. Couples start out on par and things change, swop round and even out in cycles. It's communication that stops it becoming a issue. He's communicated, your turn now.

Ignore my advice about asking his drinking. Crossed post.

Having sex every other day is quite full on though for a long relationship?

Yeah I do think it's good he communicated it. Especially since he's not a big communicator. Honestly, it was like a stand up comedy sketch the way he kept making jokes and going on about it. That made me realise he is actually trying to communicate it to me.

Angry about the drinking though.

It doesn't help that I've never been able to initiate or ask for what I want, unless I feel 100% wanted and comfortable. And now he has a lower drive, if I ask, I know I'll just be thinking is he doing this cause I asked but not really into it..

I do think you not initiating overtly may be a factor too. Nobody likes rejection but it is nice to have your partner take the lead now and then.

Read your last post again. You are over thinking it and putting you both in a position of unnecessary misunderstandings. Sounds like you both have a communication problem tbh.

Do you think he brought it up because he wants help with it or is perhaps worried it might mean something sinister?

Or is this a heads up not to expect it so often in the future?

It sounds like it’s not just him that’s Althea problem. It sounds like you have your own issues too regarding sex and your need of it to make you feel valued/wanted? You mention body confidence issues and insecurities in initiation.
Maybe you both need to look at your issues separately and then find a way to work together? Keep talking to each other and also keep looking for ways to make that connection other than sex. Sex is important but I think it’s important to have other equally strong ways to connect. What if one day something happens that means sex as you know it is no longer an option?

The drinking does sound like an issue but you say he says that it’s to de-stress. Maybe try asking him the cause of his stress and how else it could be dealt with?

Oly4, strangely our frequency hasn't waned or changed for all this time. Even right through C-section Birth, young DC, time etc, it stayed the same. It's still the same tbh, but is getting much less adventurous. I think his 'chat' was kind of warning me he feels he is slowing down and to expect change or something.

I have no idea where the word Althea came from...

nousernameforme how strange you used the same term as me and we cross posted, I hadn't read your post.

Come to think of it I think that's exactly what he was trying to communicate - a heads up not to expect it so much in the future. His comments were this am just after we had had sex 3 times (once kind-of initiated by me) yesterday and today because we are on holiday from work and MIL who lives with us, took DC out.

Perhaps he has picked up on your fear of rejection so doesn't want it to come across as anything to do with you, so has emphasised that it is him slowing down.

Have you explored masturbation? You can't really make him want more sex.

Thanks all your comments I'm finding really helpful.

Yes I have body image issues. I have really bad stretch marks/loose skin from DC and also an illness which I take medication for which in turn affects my appearance in a way which is relatively 'rare'. So I guess i have big hang ups about those two things. Hence why I've never been able to initiate, even with my exes before him. I should work on this.

And physical side has always been a big connecting point in our relationship. We don't communicate well verbally. It's hard to explain, but it's not always sexual touch, it's physical touch and affection too and doing hobbies together as well, humour, but sex has been a significant part of it. Sad if that part is dwindling and I'm still in my early 30s.

That's a lot to drink every night.

I'd have a look at the Al-Anon site.

gutentag1 I have explored masturbation, he's often away for work for a few days or a week. He's never been one for full on phone sex or pictures etc, but he used to mention it when away. Now nothing. I do masturbate often but I prefer the connection and yes in a way validation. It is a good point though that I know I have that option.

3 times a day is an awful lot, no? Maybe it’s just me

category12 I know. It's not healthy. I am always telling him it will likely take years off his life, and that I prefer him in the daytime when he's always sober. He doesn't get angry drunk or anything but he's less present. His whole family drink too much. When I was younger I used to try police it but in recent years I do know it's not about me, and change has to come from himself. I often bring it up to him by saying for example it's up to you if you want to drink that much but it will likely damage your health.

It's the booze. He's bordering on alcoholism, may perhaps be already over the line. It will affect his fitness and general health and diminish his libido. Early 40s is very young for a man to lose sexual drive.