DP said today he is 'slowing down' sexually. What to do..

[namechangesubject]

Been together a long time.

He's early 40s, I'm early 30s. DC but not at the demanding ages. He drinks between 4-6 cans most nights which I bring up but I know he won't change that.

In the past year, I've noticed he has been less adventurous in sex. He still initiates quite often but equally if he's working away, he doesn't seem bothered or mention on the phone he misses it or anything. It's become mostly quickies and sometimes feels a little like he's doing it 'for me' or maybe because the frequency is kind of expected after being consistent for many years.

I never overtly initiate, I just never have, it's not me. I'll go up and kiss his neck etc to signal, but I've always left it up to the partner to take it forward or not. It's a rejection fear on my part I think.

Me on the other hand, my drive seems to be increasing in my 30s.

Today he brought up (I didn't ask) he thinks he's 'slowing down' in that area, said he used to masturbate every other day but now rarely can be bothered and just waits/looks forward until we get the chance to do it. And he doesn't get the urge again until about at least 5 days after each time. Said jokingly 'im past my prime and it's probably only going to get worse' . It's weird the way he brought it up in a humorous way. He sounded a bit nervous.

Don't get me wrong, he very obviously still enjoys it.

I'm sad though. Sex is a big part of our connection, and my drive has just ramped up since I turned 30!! My ideal would be every other day most of the time and at some days in my cycle, three times a day.

I feel sad that having been together since my teens, I'm just getting into my stride and he's 'winding down' .

If you've got this far, is there anything that can be done..

BenScales it's usually about 2-4 times a week. But half of those times would be just oral on him or a quicky. With the occasional 'spree' when we get time together. We have DC, work, and live with his mother. .

Open up the relationship so you can fill your boots elsewhere? It's only going to get worse, because if you think your libido is high now, wait until you near your 40's. It goes through the roof for a lot of women.

@PixelatedLunchbox

He'd never agree to an open relationship, and I'd never want to when it actually came to it.

Oh no!! I'm nearly 33 and since about when I turned 30 I'm definitely more interested, and it doesn't take as much to start me off or take as long. . When we were talking about it I said the difference that's arisen seems to be that the next day after or even sooner I'm back to craving it again, whereas that'll be him doesn't give it another thought for 5 days or so. That used to be reversed!! Argh. If the discrepancy increases as I age that won't be fun. And I presume resentment will set in re his drinking too much.

His comments were this am just after we had had sex 3 times (once kind-of initiated by me) yesterday and today

I doubt many people would be up for sex six times in two days tbh. No wonder he warned you that he's slowing down.

To be honest as you have said yourself you have been together a long time... I think it is quite impressive that you still physically desire each other / him?
I was in what would be described as a long marriage and I know I was sexually bored of my ex, but that is not the reason we split. I have had another sexual relationship, mainly long distance and I have grown bored of that now.
Now, it may just be me...but I have read somewhere that women do get sexually bored of the same partner quicker than men.
I expect I am saying that perhaps the same thing has happened to him, apart from the drinking which does not help I imagine.

His problematic drinking is having a much bigger impact on your DCs, family life and marriage than just his libido.

Him being “less present” is v bad for your DCs. They are missing out and will sense that either “pissed dad” or “withdrawn hungover dad” doesn’t value and prioritise them and their bids for connection. Especially as he is not even physically present often due to work. Their self esteem will be knocked. Have a google of “Adult Children Of Alcoholics” to see how this impacts MH and life opportunities in the longer term. It sounds like your DH himself may have experienced something similar as a child?

The other issue with problematic drinking is that it is a progressive process - slowly getting worse over the years - even if they drink the same amount the body declines and doesn’t cope as well.

I hope he can see the bigger picture and choose his DCs childhood and their emotional development over his urge to numb himself.

I’m confused so has the frequency dropped to 2-4 times a week or are you just no longer finding it fulfilling enough? Why are you giving him oral when he is the one that isn’t wanting sex?

I still think 2-4 times is quite a lot especially as you live with his Mother.

It wasn't six times over two days, it was three times in 24 hours because we had some rare alone time. Sorry I was probably unclear.

Yes he was brought up like that. Although none of his family are the typical 'park bench' alcoholics, drinking is a big issue but not discussed, seen as normal. I hope he changes but I doubt he will.

BenScales

The frequency is the same 2-4 times but he is less adventurous, it's just quickies or he asks me for oral. It was today he brought up that he feels himself 'slowing down' and goes 5 days at a time without bothering. I think as a way of trying to communicate maybe that he feels pressured (even though I don't initiate overtly I just hint) to keep up the routine we've had for so many years.

Does he have the opportunity to have sex while he is away? This could be a cover for an affair taking up his physical and emotional energy

Meanwhile .. the sex you have .. does it satisfy you sexually? Quickies and blowjobs sound like they might satisfy him and leave you wanting more - not great!

It's also very true for me that my sexdrive went crazy high in my 40s so I wouldn't settle now early 30s for a crap sex life

Less often but higher quality might help?

He is certainly drinking far too much, which may well be an issue in this and he needs to sort it out before it gets out of hand.

Your refusal to initiate is also very likely to be part of the problem. Nobody wants to be the partner who is expected to initiate every single time. Everyone wants to feel physically wanted by their partner. I don’t want to accuse you of being selfish, but this situation sounds very one-sided indeed and it wouldn’t be surprising if he was tired of it. In his position, I certainly would be.

You have sex 2-4 times a week, but he goes 5 days without bothering? I'm no Einstein, but I'm struggling with the maths there.

The drinking sounds excessive. Not hugely, but too much.

I think you need to talk about your desires, wants and needs with him. Quantity sounds great (and I'm sure there are some readers that will be envious), just you need to communicate about the quality.

@TheLegendOfZelda

Like the name . I get that anyone can cheat, but I don't think it's that. It's sometimes satisfying, sometimes not. He tries to hold off for me, but if I don't 'finish' , he only very rarely offers to correct that after he has. And he wouldn't offer to 'help me out' without it being a mutual thing. Sounds bad written down, but his techniques are very good so usually it does happen.

@AgeLikeWine

Yes I'm really starting to think that the problem lies with a combination of his drive reducing whilst mine increases, and my refusing to initiate and difficulty asking for what I want. It kind of 'worked' before when he had a higher drive.

@RickDeckard

He was talking about when we are apart ie he is away for work, that he doesn't have the 'urge' anymore, doesn't think about it until 5 or so days later, doesn't masturbate when going without sex like he used to.

When he's home (more weeks than not), it will be 2-4 times a week or more.

He initiates these times, but I feel maybe by saying this he is trying to communicate to me / 'warn' me that he wants to reduce the frequency without me thinking it's me.

It's not unusual for him to try cover up or communicate things through humour.

As I read this thread all I can think about is “this woman needs a vibrator” - sex multiple times in one day is simply not achievable or necessarily wanted. He is in my opinion trying to gently tell you this frequency is unwanted. Quality over quantity.

I don’t think that every time someone gets horny their partner should always be willing & able, from either sex. If these roles were reversed people would suggest you’re a sex pest.

To me you do sound like you have issues with using sex to get your emotional or self esteem needs met.

Sex 3 times in a 24 hour period sounds like the last one was a chore for him.

Also trying to engage someone in phone sex or sex talk over the phone can also be pestering. You want him to say things like “oh baby when you get back you won’t be able to walk when I’m done with you” or something to this effect when he doesn’t actually think that? You can’t force someone to be in a sexual mindset when they’ve been having ample sex by society’s standards & haven’t had a chance to miss it!

Seriously go buy a vibrator, there is a world of cool gadgets. Take the pressure off sex, it doesn’t need to be every other day or 3 times a day just because you want it.

A man in this situation would be told to have a wank & get on with it. Let him come to you. Intimacy can be fostered in a variety of ways. You sound exhausting on both a physical & emotional level personally.

Your sex drive is very very High. You say every other day. Sometimes 3 times a day.
Do your libidos are clearly totally mismatched.

I don't think I pester him. I never initiate. Ever. Not even once. I will go up to him and kiss him etc and he probably knows what I mean, but I would never touch him 'there' without his asking, I'd never ask him for sex.

Perhaps I am exhausting.

Lots to think about.

I think you need to talk, I know it’s difficult. How about saying that you’ve been thinking about what he said and wondering if there’s anything you can do, you’ve realised you don’t ask, would he like it if you did? Maybe if you felt more in control of your sex life it might improve your self-image?

It sounds like it’s been in his mind a while. Start finding ways to talk.

The drinking is problematic but you know that, he’s in denial about his dependency. Look at Al-Anon if you need some support.

But if you don’t initiate & he is slowing down then how did you come to have intercourse 3 times in one day?

I’m sure your husband knows what your “signal” is that you want to have sex. So you say you do give him signals, so in a way you are initiating.

I’m not sure what you feel initiating is, if you say you give him a clear signal “kissing neck” and now say you don’t initiate.

You sound really exhausting & seeing as though you haven’t mentioned masturbation or toys/solo pleasure it sounds like everytime you’re horny you want your husband to service you.

If you were a man you would be slated on here. I don’t think this is about his drinking, you just don’t like his drinking & the fact he has said he doesn’t really want or desire to have sex as often as you do, now you’re making his drinking related to his sex drive.

They seem to be separate issues - not saying he doesn’t drink too much as a 6 pack a day sounds like He is reliant on alcohol to relax. But it is also no different alcohol percentage wise to a couple of glasses of wine a night... I don’t drink a lot but I can’t see how his alcohol consumption & him not desiring sex every other day or 3 times in one day is a problem.

You seem shocked he could go 5 days without wanting sex again - you are a busy family & he works away from home. Maybe he is tired?

Again - go buy a vibrator & stop expecting that every time you’re horny it should result in a sexual encounter.

When you say your husband won’t finish you off at the end, he sounds tired & over it. If he has t initiated & just asks for a blow job maybe this is because it’s the quickest he can orgasm - Why are you giving him the signal & then only giving him a blow job? You have an oral fixation (I worked in a sex shop so I don’t mean this as a criticism just observation)

I don’t think it’s a nice thing to give someone the signal & then the only way they can get out of it is by offering you oral. It sounds like he is trying to keep up with you & doesn’t want to as much. Respect that.

Quality over quantity. He may be more likely to help finish you off if he wasn’t seeing sex as a chore.

Also initiating IS your signal. You don’t have to touch someone between their legs to be initiating. You know that your husband knows when you want sex so stop pretending you don’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t “signal” to him & then expect him to know. You know he knows.

I too agree you are exhausting. Manic.

You do sound a bit...intense. Did I read correctly that you continued having sex 2-4 times a week through a C SECTION? Because if you did that is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible, you could have really damaged yourself.

The one thing that is a definite is that over time both of your libidos will ebb and flow, and you will have periods of mismatch. I suggest you start working on how you stop feeling like sex is linked to your self worth as it is a recipe for disaster.

And, yes, buy a vibrator!

The alcohol is connected, it's well known to lessen libido if someone drinks too much regularly.

On the other hand, it sounds like he's doing pretty well, he just can't keep up with you.

Magic wand vibrators are reliable www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/ Would recommend. xxx

You need to compromise. Three times a day is a bit ridiculous beyond courtship phase to be honest. If he wants sex once a week and you want it several times you may find you have to settle for twice. I would stop with the purely oral on him though because if he’s the low libido partner why are you giving him extra “top ups”? He should be giving you occasional lazy orgasms instead to keep you satisfied.

The bloke just probably wants a rest! I like to take advantage of a free house too, but my husband would die if he had to perform 6 times across two days 😂

I think you need to both sit down and discuss what would be a happy medium for you. You probably need to initiate if you want it (while respecting if he doesn't), but showing you're interested doesn't just involve grabbing someone's junk. But also, I think one of the issues is probably that you are very intense and expecting too much. My dh (who is 34) would literally die if I demanded sex 2-4 times a week. I think he would probably be happier at 3 times a month (to our usual 1-2 times a month - we just don't have the free time together when we aren't both exhausted). But the 3 times since we were in our early 20s that I demanded sex 3 times in a week (to conceive), he just about died. Not everyone wants sex every day or all the time and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. It's not really 'slowing down'. It's just what most people do. He really is probably just tired and needs a break.

I think you’re trying to address emotional/self-esteem issues through sex. Perhaps you can talk to your GP about a referral for a few therapy sessions?