Do all people cheat... Sooner or later?

[Wilkiemini]

I’ve been single for a year now after a disastrous long distance relationship (he just wanted sex and said I would never be a priority for him) after 6 months I realised he wasn’t a keeper and I deserved better so I dumped him :)

A year previous to that I had a very long relationship of 18 years so I have never been on the singles scene much.

I’m in my forties now but look ten years younger (lucky me) but this just means young men in their twenties and old men over 50s (by old I mean it’s like most men this age are already slowing down and they are so boring!) so I just can’t seem to meet anyone suitable I have tried all the online dating sites and tbh the men on them are a massive disappointment plenty of quantity but little quality!

So...I decided on a whim to stop looking for a relationship and find a friend (with benefits) instead, i states clearly what I was looking for and why and what sort of man I was looking for etc (I need some intimacy but don’t want ONSs)...so now they are all filling my inbox faster than I can reply and a lot of them (most of them) are married and do not hide the fact they are....I’m actually quite surprised how many married men I recognise on Tinder and their wives / GFs have no clue the men are shagging around!

Seriously so many men are taken and yet clearly still looking for it elsewhere...it got me thinking are we all cheaters really sooner or later?

How many of you are reading this now thinking that doesn’t apply to me but you don’t know yours is playing away from home!

Do you ever check up on him?
Check his phone? Receipts / pockets?
Honestly I think some of you are in denial if your man is t getting much from you he’s probably getting it elsewhere!

I'm confused, you put a call out out for a friend with benefits, some married men respond.... And this leads you to ask if everyone cheats eventually?

That's like going to b&q and asking if all shops sell paint?

Are you actually shagging these married guys OP? It doesn't surprise me that there are plenty of people around like that but I'd say there are many people out there who dont cheat and would be very unlikely to cheat.

You’ve had to resort to fwb . You put it out there ,and are surprised when married men step forward . Can’t believe you’re in your 40’s , you sound very immature , or just looking for a bit of attention maybe . No one is bullying you , you get back what you give out . Grow up .

Jeez. Sounds like you love yourself!

You're in your 40s but criticise people in their 50s? You'll be there soon. You may think you look ten years younger but perhaps people in their 50s do too!

As said before, not all people cheat, but many do, men and women. And it is also strange,or even amazing, how many people will tell you that they have rock solid happy marriages, when you know dam well some of them cheat all the time. I know a few people like this, but would never blow their cover. as its not my problem.

I've never cheated. Never will. It goes against my morals.
And I've never checked my husbands phone in 20 years!

Honestly I think some of you are in denial if your man is t getting much from you he’s probably getting it elsewhere!
What a Bunch of nasty bullies you are
OP You wrote both of these. You've come on here to bully women and get a reaction. You've disliked the reaction you received so you've decided to make out they are the bully so you don't have to face what you are.
Your GP can signpost you to where you can get help because you sound like you may be unwell.

Honestly I think some of you are in denial if your man is t getting much from you he’s probably getting it elsewhere!”

You don’t like yourself very much, do you? I feel sad for you.

I used to think like you OP so understand where you’re coming from.
I was single in a city for a really long time and I think it warped my brain about men. I remember telling my coupled up friends I was convinced all men would cheat given the chance and they were horrified. Still remember their faces! One of them still thinks I would sleep with her DP, but I never would, I just got really jaded by the dating scene and being used by men (I’m sure women are capable of this as well and if I was bi would find this out).
I then met my DP and realised it could be serious and it scared the shit out of me. So I started talking to men I know who’ve been married or in relationships for a long time. I found it really reassuring and the message I came away with was that it’s possible for someone to value their relationship enough to not cheat, as they don’t want to throw it away.
I‘m still not completely ‘cured’ but think a level of realism is healthy-some people do cheat. But i recommend doing your own research IRL it’s really interesting if nothing else!

I’ve also seen a thread here somewhere about people who are happy in LTRs (sorry can’t remember name now) which I found really reassuring so you should keep an eye out for that.

You only attract what you are looking for
The decent single men are busy looking for relationships, the players and cheats are looking for a FB

No, i don't believe all people will cheat sooner or later. You can call be naive if you like but i'm pretty certain that my dh isn't cheating and i doubt he ever would. The reasons for this are, we are in love, still have that spark despite being together since we were kids. He has made it clear that he is very satisfied with our sex life as am i. We've had chats over the years about cheating and he knows that if he ever gets to that point were he feels he may cheat or he wants to leave then he can leave, but don't cheat and expect to have his cake and eat it. He knows cheating is the one thing i could never forgive, so if he were to stray then that would be the end of our marriage with no chance at all of me taking him back. Another reason why i'm confident that he wouldn't cheat is that he's edging closer and closer to 40, he has a very tiring job, if he's not home he's either at work, at the gym or visting family and to be honest i think he feels that he has his hands with just me (in a good way) and couldn't cope with another woman.

Suprise—-Quality men are rarely found hunting round for FWB. They may get into this kind of arrangement by chance if divorced/separated - but any married man actually seeking it whilst married just isn’t a quality man

I have been married 26 years, never had any reason to doubt my DH.

Another thing is, that if you’re hanging about on ‘relationship’ threads where people overwhelmingly write about problems in their marriage or for help, you are going to have a warped view of relationships.

I genuinely feel sorry for you, because in your 40’s you haven’t yet experienced a really good love, that’s made you feel so secure that you realise how wonderful relationships can be.

My friend is divorced because in the end her and her husband weren’t compatible, but she had 20 wonderful years with him and two beautiful children and they are still friends.

I also feel sorry for you that in your 40’s you still clearly think looks are what matter and that that’s the only way to attract a quality mate.

My husband has seen me at my best and worst. He’s seen me beautiful and he’s seen me with greasy hair and no make up. He’s seen me through times of being slim and when I’ve had periods of weight gain. And his love has never been dependant on how I’ve looked.

My best advice...ditch Tinder, ditch the bad attitude where you tell people their husbands are cheating despite not knowing anyone, ditch the whole ‘I’m so young looking thank God’ and learn to love yourself. When you realise you are worth loving regardless, then others will realise too and you’ll find the right person.

I used to have a very black and white view about monogamy. I then found out my ex husband had had an affair (I was like many others on here - trusted him 100%, never looked at his phone, everyone thought we were the perfect couple, etc, etc).

I have also been the object of affection from a married man who is very respected, 'perfect' home set up, career, etc. People wouldn't believe me if I told them.

So now my view has somewhat changed and although I would like monogamy in a relationship, I don't think I'd ever be completely surprised if that's not what I got.

My personal opinion (not based on research or anything) is that many people get different needs met by different people and compartmentalise people and relationships.

I know I'm perhaps somewhat jaded but that's my view on it.

I think my point is I was one or any of the above posters who a few years ago would have said " of course not everyone cheats" and of course, I do believe that not everyone cheats but what I have found out the hard way is that even those who you would swear on your life would never cheat, sometimes do. Unless that has hapenned to you, you are of course going to be in the "my dh would never cheat" category of people so I'm not sure this is going to be a very scientifically accurate view of monogamy!

Hmmm I wonder why she's not had a decent relationship?!!!

I agree that no one thinks their husband will cheat until they do...but I also think that there are warning signs which people can look out for.

For instance if my husband suddenly started to go out (currently he doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t go out at all, unless it’s with me) , started to present himself differently, started to keep his phone to himself, started to become less affectionate, etc Then it’s safe to say that I don’t think I could write “my husband would never cheat on me”, because his behaviour would suggest otherwise.

The reason I trust my husband is because for 25 years we’ve barely left each other’s sides. He never goes out to pubs/clubs/stags etc. He never goes out with mates. He doesn’t have any hobbies that he does alone and never goes to the gym. If he’s not at work as a teacher with our son attending the same school, he’s home with me. During the holidays and half terms we generally live abroad together. He is affectionate, loving, we have a very active sex life (with myself having the much higher drive), we are best friends. He doesn’t have much of a family himself, is closer to my family and he texts me constantly through the day. My sister doesn’t understand how I cope, because he is always there and she says her husband would do her head in if they were constantly together. If she and I go to the mall, Dh likes to come too. Our relationship is not for everyone, I can guarantee you that!!! some would find it stifling and some might even prefer to be cheated on....but it’s all DH and I have known as we’ve basically grown up together, since we were children.
Therefore I know he isn’t and hasn’t cheated on me and I trust him.

Will this last? Will things continue to be the way they are now? Well only time will tell. Right now, I am confident he won’t cheat on me...but if his behaviour changed then obviously my confidence in him would change too.

I'd like to add, I'm bisexual and the last time I was single as soon as people found out I had an equal number of men and women in marriages or relationships trying it. This was by people I actually knew so I knew they weren't in open relationships.

I will say I never believe there is any excuse to cheat. It ruins lives. On the whole (in my experience, purely what I know of people I know and people they know) women who cheat mainly seem to do so when missing something from their relationships. Men however mainly seem to cheat just because they can. They often tell their affair partners they get no sex at home when this isn't the case.

I've only had men cheat on me not women but one of them spun the line that we didn't have sex (this could be seen as true because he actually raped me at least once every day across our relationship). My other ex cheated when I was 8 months pregnant. We still had sex at least every other day. He pushed to have the baby. Apparently he cheated as he wanted me to be a sahm but I wanted to keep my career and not be dependent on him as it made me feel like a child. Instead of voicing these opinions to me (I would have considered taking a full year off and condensing my hours or we could have split amicably) he decided just to shag someone else. He still tries to shag me (and probably many others) years later when he's got a lovely girlfriend he lives with!

I'd never say "DP would never cheat" as you never know someone 100%. We don't even know what our own self is capable of sometimes. But I wouldn't be with him if I didn't trust him. And if he did I could sack him off the very moment I found out due to keeping a good job and remaining fiercely independent.