How to care / look after myself. Hurting badly

[lookingatthepast]

Hi
Have posted before about a relationship which has a lot of issues . Him with using coke and possibly (almost certainly ) going to hookers and a condom in his room which had been worn but he says he knew nothing about.

Before anyone flames me I am not here to get someone to tell me that he’s great and we should work on things. I will be honest we met up a few times and had a meal out and this weekend went away for two nights to the coast. He said he loved me we were talking about the future and where things could and might go and why he did what he did. Said he was happy that and we had a better second half of the year to look forward to. I never checked his phone again and if I asked him questions (had he used coke ) or had a certain couple of girls messaged him he would tell me yes or no and show me his phone . Yes I know that’s no basis for life long term.

I was quite poorly whilst away with gastric flu and whilst he was nice and asked if I was ok etc I got the feeling it had put a downer on the weekend but he said it was fine. Etc. Came home I have gone back to work on nights and he just seemed off in messages to me. Saying chin up and hope you will be ok. No I love you or kisses. Something very small but it didn’t sit right. Today I asked if he was ok and he’s said he’s not happy deep down. Says he’s really tired but the things I said to him when I was angry and found out about the prostitutes have really stung and he doesn’t think he loves me. Sees me more as a friend. Loves spending time with me but deep down wants his own kids one day and the same issues are still there. Says it would be better to talk in person than via text but will wait until I am ready. I guess there’s nothing to discuss. One day he can say in my face he loves me then send this. I will never feel settled and secure and will always be waiting for him to dump me again . He says I haven’t done anything wrong but obviously I feel very confused by it all. I think he likes the safety and security with me when it suits but misses being a lad on the other hand and still the issue all his friends are having kids. I saw him looking at babies and toddlers when we were having lunch on Sunday and could see how much his face lit up. I can’t give him what he wants. Period.

I am almost 35 he’s coming up 32 I can’t have anymore children due to a medical reason which he’s always known. I have children of my own and they all get on really well with the children asking when we are going to get married and things like that.

Since the problems we had me and him had talked about the future and he said he wouldn’t consider buying somewhere with me until 2 or 3 years time. He would be putting more into the deposit which we both know and was concerned legally what would happen if we had a house and split up . He also wanted to move to Surrey and I said can we consider Kent due to my children’s schooling I can earn more here in my job (could re locate but would mean a pay cut ) he said yes he was happy to look at that area but all the time kept making mention of Surrey and how all his friends either live there already or are about to move there . I said it would take me a couple of years to save the deposit and he said well you should always have savings but I don’t want you doing all that saving and then saying it’s been for nothing if we don’t buy together. I guess the signs were there in the little comments.

I am hurting really badly
Yes it’s my own fault for going back and trying again. I loved him very much and saw my future with him and I am in a lot of pain now emotionally. I went through a divorce 3 years ago after being with my ex 16 years. He was abusive and now with this on top I feel crushed
Unloveable , worthless like no one will ever want me. I don’t think I ever processed or grieved for the fact I will never have more kids . I had a hysterectomy at 30 so this really hurts .

How do I pick myself up. Other than the usual block delete of Facebook etc. I don’t want to meet up with him. I did all the pleading before for another chance. I am not doing it again. Pleading with someone to try and love me. It’s wrong and not worth it. He didn’t treat me well enough and again it’s being twisted into me I can’t have kids, he needs to be happy , he’s tried. Not sure how he’s tried. Other than not calling hookers up anymore.

I have work this week. I am working nights. I just need some help here. I just want someone to give me a big cuddle and look after me I guess. I don’t have that many friends I can go to either. More people I know from the school or the odd friend on text but they all have their own lives.

I’m going to be blunt here, but the writing is on the wall from this alone:

^^Him with using coke and possibly (almost certainly ) going to hookers and a condom in his room which had been worn but he says he knew nothing about.

OP, I would concentrate on looking at why you were so willing to overlook the great big flapping red flags and allow yourself to yo-yo back to someone who showed you from the outset that they weren’t worthy of you. That right there is the source of your current pain. This is one inappropriate man in an entire world of eligible (and not so eligible) bachelors. Don’t make him the source of your self worth.

I have been reading women who love to much ever since all the issues started back in May . And a lot of what’s in there resonates with me and I have taken a big step back in some ways but in others I will admit I became quite clingy although tried my best to hide. I seeked a lot of reassurance that he was happy with me after everything, loved me and saw a future with me which he said he did right up until Monday night. Then this today

I can totally see it should have been him asking me if I was happy and ok. Not the other way around. It should have been him suggesting things . Then today for him to say he’s made a huge effort and really tried. I really don’t see in what way to be absolutely truthful. Twice I have been at his house when there’s been a bbq there (post lockdown ) and he’s been doing coke in the toilet. No attempt not to do it when I was there (no my kids weren’t there at either time and he’s not done it in my house) always been very firm about that
His view seems to be this is who I am, this is what I do , I enjoy it , I can’t see me giving it up any time soon. Says he doesn’t have a problem. It’s not all the time. I think it’s more often than he lets on but of course he’s not going to admit it. So not sure how that’s being on his best behaviour and really trying

But none of this matters now. I don’t want to see him and rake over the ashes of the relationship. He says on thing one min and something else the next. Says he wants a family and then he doesn’t know what he wants. I think he’s better left alone to get on with it to be honest he will either find hes much happier or it will hit him what a dickhead he’s been
I need to focus on me now. I am working long hours at night I need to talk and help. Seriously. I need it for myself with everything. The not being able to have kids anymore. The loss of the family unit I once had and the fact I was happy and it’s now been lost again. I need it for ME not for him

To an outsider it just screams "why is she spending any time and emotion at all on this dysfunctionality wanker!!"
You MUST stop thinking about him and his reasons and futures and, and... It is totally and utterly fruitless.
Disengage, get perspective. Figure out why you have spent time in two bad relationships. Only when you have some idea of this, would I start thinking about dating at all.

I don’t want to meet up with him. I did all the pleading before for another chance. I am not doing it again. Pleading with someone to try and love me.

You are hurting but you are strong, those words you've typed are full of self belief and strength. You can do better. You are worth more. You can do this (you already are!) even though you feel shit right now, it's all going to get better from now.

Get your stuff returned, leave his on the doorstep. Don't communicate, block him on everything and stay strong!

OP I think you will be OK, you have good self awareness and have decided not to try and get him back. You have also divorced an abuser in the past, this takes strength and you should be proud of yourself. In time this will hurt less, all you can do (IMO, obviously!) is wait for it to pass. If you find yourself longing for him, remember that he twisted your pain at his seeing prostitutes against you. That gave me the chills. He is not a good man. You had every right to be furious with him. I'm sorry you're going through this

A woman stopped to look at another woman banging her head against a brick wall. Eventually the woman stopped, rubbed her head and said,

'That really hurts. Do you have any painkillers?'

The observer nodded, rooted through her bag and gave the woman a couple of Paracetamol. With her headache gone, the woman continued to bang her head against the brick wall. Eventually she turned around and said,

'God, that really hurts and I think I'm bleeding. Do you have a plaster?'

The observer nodded and handed her a plaster. The woman applied it to the cut and then continued banging her head against the brick wall.

After a while, the observer said,

'If you don't mind, may I offer a suggestion? It will stop the headaches and pain.'

'That sounds great.' The woman said, between thuds.

The observer walked forward and gently moved the woman away from the wall.

'You'll notice' she said, 'That the pain stops when you stop hitting it.'

'That really does feel a lot better.' The woman said. 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I've been with a coke head who regularly cheated on me with his 2 ex's. (Not including the dating/chat sites I found) it hurt so bad. I lost friends, my lovely flat & nearly myself & family. I Physically felt the pain inside from the hurt BUT as much as I thought I loved him I had to love myself more & realised very quickly that I deserved so much better. I was physically & emotional abused by him. I walked away, blocked him and all contact that he could have with me. At the time i thought the pain would never go away. 5 years later I'm happily married & a mum. He on the other hand I have been told is in & out of prison & has nothing & no one. You will never be his priority just a convenience. Your worth more than that. Be strong & love yourself

The wall scenario is accurate, nicely done.

But really OP. I feel for you. It seems to me you've loaded his trolley up with all your lifes expectations and he just isn't the right guy.

What you're looking for is deep and proper. This guy is not the right guy for that.

Continue looking for something deep and proper, but size up the catch wisely first, before you give him a piece of your heart or life xxx

The wall story is brilliant. I won't forget that.

Op you need to run, as hard as it will be. You will find love. Please get out

thanks for the replies. at work on nights again reading them. Yes the wall story males sense. I banged my head on the metaphorical wall earlier. i rung him. he chatted as normal about his work and mine etc and then I raised what was said earlier when he broke it off again. He did what he usually does went very quiet and then sounds irritated and defensive. kept veering between sarcastically saying 'yeah everything is my fault isnt it' to saying i am so sorry but this is best for us both and i have massively let you down. i dont know whats wrong with me i think i just need to be single and on my own. Hurts like hell and i have cried alot tonight. i am in an office on my own luckily

sorry is there anyone around who will talk with me. I am really struggling and going over it all in my head. I am just questioning everything. all the memories and things we did together, It all feels tainted now. He said on the phon earlier ' you even said i was quiet at the weekend' yes he was at times but thats not unusual and when I asked if he was ok and felt happy etc he said yes he was good, feels happy with everything and having a nice time. Now its like hes trying to say its my fault for taking him at his word and not being a mind reader.

i just need to get through hour by hour day by day at the moment, He has all his family round him and alot of friends he can chat too. is very sociable so will be fine with popping out to meet with friends and having company. Plus its his decision and him choosing this. I feel powerless, helpless and unloved and so so sad.

I can't figure out exactly why you would be happy with a coke head who fucks hookers?

Honestly OP if this is your idea of Prince charming you are not ready to be in a relationship

Focus be on the children you do have, not on the ones you don't - they need you. This really isn't a suitable person to bring into their lives, let alone parent them.

Please wake up.

You need to give yourself some time to recover from this. It's a twisted relationship so your feelings are going to be all over the place.

I would encourage you to block him, just to try and get some breathing space. And to stop you contacting him just as much as the other way round. You might not be ready for that yet. When you get the urge to make contact - are you able to resist it?

Having a relationship with an cheating addict who commits and then uncommits from one day to the next is always going to fuck you up emotionally. He sounds awful.

You sound like you've reaches a point where know that it can't go any further. So now you need to start taking those small steps away from him, and giving yourself the time to let the pain pass.

I know it's easier said than done. I'm sorry you're going through this

The things I said to him when I was angry and found out about the prostitutes have really stung and he doesn’t think he loves me

Do you not see how wrong this is OP - he fucks prostitutes yet you have no right to be angry? You being angry suddenly changes his feelings towards you??

He's abusive and manipulative as well as being a coke head and cheat.

I think you should seek counselling (for self esteem especially). You're clearly vulnerable and scutters like him prey on that.

Yes I said i had every right to be angry. Many years ago he was chated on by a girlfriend and i told him to think back to how that felt and how much it hurt and when he did that then he did concede i was right and that hes treated me like shit .

I am not grieveing having more kids in that sense i have children and i realise for that i am alot more fortunate than many . It was for medical reasons and for my health and at the time i was married so believed the family to be complete and that it would never really be an issue. I guess its haing it highlighted. He wants kids and i cant give him his own thats opened a big wound . Hope that makes sense

i was having counselling for a long time after my marriage ended and so I think that i most likely need to go back to therapy.

i just want to take the pain away now. He kept saying we had a nice weekend. He said i love you. Now it feels like hes blaming me for believeing him when he said he was ok and happy. Feels like its all my fault . I feel so stupid

@Closetbeanmuncher

I can't figure out exactly why you would be happy with a coke head who fucks hookers?

Honestly OP if this is your idea of Prince charming you are not ready to be in a relationship

Focus be on the children you do have, not on the ones you don't - they need you. This really isn't a suitable person to bring into their lives, let alone parent them.

Please wake up.

I loved him before he did what he did with them back at the start of the year. So i am massively struggling to tally pre hookers with whats happened since. Also we had both talked about marriage and buying somewhere / living together one day . so it wasnt me pushing my wants on to him or him love bombing me. hes actaully a very cautious person. Said he would most likely want a pre nup as he already owns a property and was worried if we brought together and it didnt work out he would lose what he had invested. His mum who passed away gave him and helped him with alot of the deposit for it. I didnt have any issue with that. I actually earn more than him in my job and i am not a gold digger . I loved him. i didnt want his money or anything from him. just his love care and honesty

He's twisting everything which is why you are feeling you are to blame. Don't accept it!

I loved him. i didnt want his money or anything from him. just his love care and honesty

But this is not a loving, caring or honest person you're dealing with OP.

Words are words, it's actions that speak the truth. His actions are that he manipulated you, lies to you, gaslights you and sleeps with prostitutes.

This quality person you've built up in your head does not exist, the sooner you look at the facts of his actions and come to terms with that the better.

The mask slipped and you saw the real person. If that's the sort of man you want for yourself and your children I don't know what to tell you.

No i kow its not right. its coming to terms with the mask slipping. Everyoen thinks hes lovely, all my family, all his friends and family. He likes being popular and seen as this lovely guy. Which is probably why hes writing the narrative of not being happy and doing whats right for him and so on . I feel physically sick. Pain keeps blasting me in the stomach out of the blue. I will let him go now as I know i will never believe anything hw says to me again, it will make me more clingy and insecure, desperate and needy which arent attractive qualities> i wasnt perfect but i did absolutely nothing to hurt that man even after he hurt me. its how i get through this and how i look after myself and stop the hurting

Don't feel stupid at all, you just made the mistake of falling for one of life's undesirable, and unreliable mess of man, which in the long run,would give you a life of heartache. Be free !