How to care / look after myself. Hurting badly

[lookingatthepast]

Hi
Have posted before about a relationship which has a lot of issues . Him with using coke and possibly (almost certainly ) going to hookers and a condom in his room which had been worn but he says he knew nothing about.

Before anyone flames me I am not here to get someone to tell me that he’s great and we should work on things. I will be honest we met up a few times and had a meal out and this weekend went away for two nights to the coast. He said he loved me we were talking about the future and where things could and might go and why he did what he did. Said he was happy that and we had a better second half of the year to look forward to. I never checked his phone again and if I asked him questions (had he used coke ) or had a certain couple of girls messaged him he would tell me yes or no and show me his phone . Yes I know that’s no basis for life long term.

I was quite poorly whilst away with gastric flu and whilst he was nice and asked if I was ok etc I got the feeling it had put a downer on the weekend but he said it was fine. Etc. Came home I have gone back to work on nights and he just seemed off in messages to me. Saying chin up and hope you will be ok. No I love you or kisses. Something very small but it didn’t sit right. Today I asked if he was ok and he’s said he’s not happy deep down. Says he’s really tired but the things I said to him when I was angry and found out about the prostitutes have really stung and he doesn’t think he loves me. Sees me more as a friend. Loves spending time with me but deep down wants his own kids one day and the same issues are still there. Says it would be better to talk in person than via text but will wait until I am ready. I guess there’s nothing to discuss. One day he can say in my face he loves me then send this. I will never feel settled and secure and will always be waiting for him to dump me again . He says I haven’t done anything wrong but obviously I feel very confused by it all. I think he likes the safety and security with me when it suits but misses being a lad on the other hand and still the issue all his friends are having kids. I saw him looking at babies and toddlers when we were having lunch on Sunday and could see how much his face lit up. I can’t give him what he wants. Period.

I am almost 35 he’s coming up 32 I can’t have anymore children due to a medical reason which he’s always known. I have children of my own and they all get on really well with the children asking when we are going to get married and things like that.

Since the problems we had me and him had talked about the future and he said he wouldn’t consider buying somewhere with me until 2 or 3 years time. He would be putting more into the deposit which we both know and was concerned legally what would happen if we had a house and split up . He also wanted to move to Surrey and I said can we consider Kent due to my children’s schooling I can earn more here in my job (could re locate but would mean a pay cut ) he said yes he was happy to look at that area but all the time kept making mention of Surrey and how all his friends either live there already or are about to move there . I said it would take me a couple of years to save the deposit and he said well you should always have savings but I don’t want you doing all that saving and then saying it’s been for nothing if we don’t buy together. I guess the signs were there in the little comments.

I am hurting really badly
Yes it’s my own fault for going back and trying again. I loved him very much and saw my future with him and I am in a lot of pain now emotionally. I went through a divorce 3 years ago after being with my ex 16 years. He was abusive and now with this on top I feel crushed
Unloveable , worthless like no one will ever want me. I don’t think I ever processed or grieved for the fact I will never have more kids . I had a hysterectomy at 30 so this really hurts .

How do I pick myself up. Other than the usual block delete of Facebook etc. I don’t want to meet up with him. I did all the pleading before for another chance. I am not doing it again. Pleading with someone to try and love me. It’s wrong and not worth it. He didn’t treat me well enough and again it’s being twisted into me I can’t have kids, he needs to be happy , he’s tried. Not sure how he’s tried. Other than not calling hookers up anymore.

I have work this week. I am working nights. I just need some help here. I just want someone to give me a big cuddle and look after me I guess. I don’t have that many friends I can go to either. More people I know from the school or the odd friend on text but they all have their own lives.

Stop trying to engage with someone who is not in love with you, has broken up with you & doesn’t want to talk about the ins & outs of the relationship petering out. You’ve been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole & built him up in your mind to be something he just isn’t. He has cheated & uses prostitutes on the sly, he still wants to party with his mates. He likely did love you “for now” in an abstract way, as in at the time he enjoyed having “a girlfriend” and now he has realised he prefers his lad life & “having a girlfriend” isn’t as fun. I am telling you straight up you could have been a number of women, he did not love you as an individual person, just as “a girlfriend”.

I cringed when you said you called him & still continued to want to have a discussion about the relationship & the past events, a d&m about feelings or who said what to whom. Then he went quiet and defensive - he is over you. He doesn’t want to engage with your feelings or thoughts about the relationship, you are like a bothersome fly to swat away anytime you bring up your feelings. Your hurt is nothing more than an annoyance to him, to swat away so he can continue living his life without your input.

You need to lose this person’s number & spend some time on your own I think.

He doesn't want kids, OP.

He's a scumbag who knows you are unable to have more children and this is a really unpleasant way of once more making you feel you are at fault for his appalling behaviour. He's a coke head who fucks prostitutes (so inadequate he pays women for sex). You found a used condom in his room. I mean...I can't even express how grim and disgusting that is.

Despite knowing where your children need to be for school he made it clear he intended to live in a different county. Does any of this sound like a man who either wants to or is in any way capable of being a father?

He's awful. Block him.

To answer your question better I mean to say you are hurting because you keep looking to the person who has hurt you & craving a discussion with them in which their words or actions will alleviate your pain. This is like continuing to touch a hot stove & want to discuss with the stove why did it burn you when it was switched off yesterday & keep touching it & expecting to not get burnt.

Oh OP I do feel for you because to people who don't properly know my DCs father would think butter wouldn't melt when really hes a vile abuser, I do get it.

I think the best course of action is to block him. Throw yourself into your work, friends, family and children. Now that salons, gyms and hairdressers are open again could you treat yourself to a bit of pampering and maybe a few new outfits, to give yourself a lift?

Spend time with your friends and plan some days out with your children. I find exercise always helps to focus your mind and lift your mood.

If you can do some reading on low self esteem and co-dependance. I think it would be a great help if you can also talk it over with a counsellor.

Your boundaries are very off and that's why I keep saying to stay alone for now, and do some work on yourself.

Literally working nights and sleeping and the kids are my life. That’s it. I don’t have that many friends. There’s people I know. Acquaintances but that’s it.

As I say I have said I will let him go. If you love someone set them free and all that he wants to be free. He can be. Maybe he will be happier. Maybe he never will. Who knows.

I won’t take my diary into work tonight as it has his number in (I don’t know it off by heart ) always dial it from my mobile. So I won’t be able to call him no matter how overwhelming the urge gets. That’s a start . I haven’t called him today. There was a text on my phone when I came out of work of him apologising for everything. Saying me and my kids deserve better. He’s let me down and I don’t deserve any of it and he’s sorry for what he did and it’s nothing I have done wrong.

You’re trying to get logic and empathy from someone that has none. You’re on a hiding to nothing. He’s a sociopath, a coke head. Stop picking over the bones of the rotting corpse of this relationship and run run run

Why on earth do you think that this is all u are worth, wasting your time on a drug addict who uses prostitutes. A man who has so little respect for women he pays for sex.
You have children, have you a daughter, is this the kind of man you would like for her, or would you be happy with a son who used coke and paid for sex.
This is not a good man.

Oh sweetheart, please wake up, I lived this life and I got out end of 2017. It'll never get any better but I promise you are too good for him 100%...prostitutes no way, you cannot take him seriously xxx

Womens aid were absolutely amazing, had counselling, I thought it was me but now I know it was 100% him xxx

OP, we are in sort of a similar situation in that we have dated men who treat us like absolute shit because our self-esteem is at an all-time low and we would have done anything to keep them in our lives, even though they kept hurting us over and over again.

I'm going to answer your original question about caring for yourself/picking yourself up again and practising proper self-care. I have been looking after myself better than ever before in the last few months and even though I still have wobbles and want to call him, I already feel so much better, so here's what I did:

• threw away everything he gave me and replaced it (over time)
• started using the C25K app
• started having baths again (couldn't bear to look at my body before because he always wanted me to lose weight)
• wrote a list of everything I love doing and have started doing it more, including reading, long walks, listening to music and watching my favourite things on TV again
• blocked him on everything, literally everything. in the end he resorted to writing me an actual letter telling me he'd made a mistake –this is exactly what your ex is doing because he still wants to have that control over you without actually being in a relationship again
• started making myself stand in front of a mirror and complimenting myself on every bit of me, even the bits I've been ashamed of
• started writing in a diary almost every night
• gone on walks, listened to sad music and had a cry for the first half of the walk then listened to happy, upbeat music on the way home
• started eating more healthily
• treated myself to new things that make me feel good

I won't bother repeating what everyone else has said on here, but start telling yourself that you are worthy of love – proper love, real love, with someone who treats you right, is loyal, faithful, trustworthy, kind, honest and emotionally intelligent. Keep telling yourself I deserve to be loved and start loving yourself harder than he ever did. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but if you start putting yourself first and leave him in the past where he belongs, then things are going to be better than you ever imagined in 6 months time.

@deepwater71 i have sent you a PM

@feelingsomewhatlost maybe I will start with a nice bath and hairwash before i put myself to bed in the morning when I get home. Baby steps. I have cried again at work earlier. My few friends in RL have all said I probably wont meet anyone who will want someone with kids whose divorced like i am . so that hasnt made me feel better

I will re read bits I highlighted in women who love too much as a lot of it makes sense. I also have a copy of co dependent no more which I will dig out. I am looking at the baggage reclaim site too

My job is the only thing I am good at . Everyone leaves me eventually. I think its me. My attitude. He used to say i was quite snappy at times. I do it without realising I think. People at work joke i have resting bitch face i can be prefectly happy but i just have one of those faces. One of his friends even said I was boring once. He did pull him up on it and said thats not right mate dont say that. but it stuck with me. I am this boring unapproachable horroble person deep down. Thats why no one stays and i lose everyone . WHen i say i dont want my children to be upset and hurt which they willl be by us splitting as they absolutey adore him they truly do he says I am using them to try and manipulate him.

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

The opening chapter of this book is a good read plus she does good post abuse healing strategies:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details on how men like this work. This covers some dark abuse:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

For help on setting boundaries:
Boundaries
amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV]]

For help on being separate from him:
Codependent No More
amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o]]

For help on healing:
The Body Keeps the Score

I am just really tired. Friends of mine know what has happened. No one has asked if i am ok. All one friend did was text and ask if i am upset about losing him or whether its because I have to start all ober again. I explained i am starting nothing all over again, i have my job, house, car and kids and some savings. I just loved him and we had planned a future together which is what I am grieving as well as missing the day to day things with him.

I dont have anyone. I feel so alone. I have been through so much in my life and have huge abandonment issues which this has just fed into. I am fed up with being the strong one and being told you are strong chin up. I dont want to be strong anymore. I dont want to feel this pain anymore. I am tired and have had enough. I just want it all to stop