Divorcing but having doubts. Help!

[BlancheW]

Been with DH 16 years, married 10 years. 2 kids aged 4 and 6.

Things were good for the first 12 years but then he got more and more committed to work and I never saw him. We had basically no relationship at all and I eventually told him how unhappy I was. We had counselling but we found it divisive so stopped.

Then we limped along for another 2 years. I was working part time 24 hours a week, he was full time and I was also doing 100% of everything else. He refused to help with anything as I chose to work part time. My job is very demanding.

Then I became full time doing 46 hours a week but over 3 days. He still refused to help on principle and laughed when I said that I work full time too.

For months he didn’t look at me or talk to me much, despite my mother dying during this time. She was living with us during lockdown and I was her carer, on top of my full time job, looking after the children and the house. We have a nanny who comes on the days that I work.

Eventually we agreed we couldn’t go on like that and he suggested divorce. I said yes immediately and we are going down that route.

However, since we agreed to split, because the pressure is off now, he’s being really nice. Talking to me, looking at me, making me the odd coffee.

We had a day out yesterday as a family and I keep thinking, what are we doing? Why are we splitting?

I should add that he has harboured some big resentments from the past including: he feels that I came between him and his friends. The truth is they all moved abroad with work. We saw my friends more because I arranged things. He didn’t arrange stuff.

He feels that I came between him and his family. He has no real relationship with his parents but that’s down to them and because of arguments between him and his Mum. He feels we haven’t spent enough time with his brother who he adores. I think he has a point there.

He also has a big hang up about two things. One from 12 years ago. I really wanted these more expensive light fittings for our home and he feels like I pushed him into it. And I also wanted something more expensive at our wedding 10 years ago. I never would have pushed for those 2 things if I thought he would bring it up every 6 months for the next 10-12 years.

So what now? Continue with the divorce? He’s had an offer accepted on a flat nearby.

It just all feels so silly and such a waste. He’s still living with us until his place is completed and refurbished so likely until January.

[Stegasaurusmum]

@smokedglass thank you, that really helps. I'm hoping we will all be happier and I'm glad we are doing it now, my DC are 10 and 5 and they seem to be coping fine. Could have done without lock down, 4 months of living together has been hard... But in a way it made us do it all slowly, which is good. Not once has he begged me to stay or to try again.. So it's mutual, even if I was the one to push it.
@BlancheW I'm glad it helped. I can't imagine how it feels to know you've got more time living together, I know for me I just had this horrible feeling leading up to the weekends... I know I'll be lonely some nights, but there is nothing as lonely as sitting in a room with someone who is just on their phone, or not having a conversation.. Nothing as bad as waiting for help that never comes.. I'm actually excited about doing things for myself. I bought a tool kit yesterday and I am so excited about knowing where everything is, not having to ask where he put things as he was such a slob with putting things away.. Small wins!

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

Why would it be a waste getting divorced?There is no guarantee any relationship, marriage, friendship or job is going to work out. Any decision made in life is risky but what is the point of looking at it as a waste. Maybe put it down to experience and learn for next time what qualities you are looking for from a relationship, what it is that will make you happy. Take the good memories and the bad ones with you but don’t see anything as a waste. And if you’ve had kids from a marriage then I’m sure they wouldn’t want you calling your time as a family ‘a waste’

[BlancheW]

The waste is a wasted future, not a wasted past. I don’t regret the past at all.

[Tokyo123]

This might be a manipulation tactic which I’ve seen before. Some of the guys as soon as realise that it’s over try to be overly nice which put you in a position of regretting. Don’t forget how he used to act towards you as that was the moment he showed his true face.