Divorcing but having doubts. Help!

[BlancheW]

Been with DH 16 years, married 10 years. 2 kids aged 4 and 6.

Things were good for the first 12 years but then he got more and more committed to work and I never saw him. We had basically no relationship at all and I eventually told him how unhappy I was. We had counselling but we found it divisive so stopped.

Then we limped along for another 2 years. I was working part time 24 hours a week, he was full time and I was also doing 100% of everything else. He refused to help with anything as I chose to work part time. My job is very demanding.

Then I became full time doing 46 hours a week but over 3 days. He still refused to help on principle and laughed when I said that I work full time too.

For months he didn’t look at me or talk to me much, despite my mother dying during this time. She was living with us during lockdown and I was her carer, on top of my full time job, looking after the children and the house. We have a nanny who comes on the days that I work.

Eventually we agreed we couldn’t go on like that and he suggested divorce. I said yes immediately and we are going down that route.

However, since we agreed to split, because the pressure is off now, he’s being really nice. Talking to me, looking at me, making me the odd coffee.

We had a day out yesterday as a family and I keep thinking, what are we doing? Why are we splitting?

I should add that he has harboured some big resentments from the past including: he feels that I came between him and his friends. The truth is they all moved abroad with work. We saw my friends more because I arranged things. He didn’t arrange stuff.

He feels that I came between him and his family. He has no real relationship with his parents but that’s down to them and because of arguments between him and his Mum. He feels we haven’t spent enough time with his brother who he adores. I think he has a point there.

He also has a big hang up about two things. One from 12 years ago. I really wanted these more expensive light fittings for our home and he feels like I pushed him into it. And I also wanted something more expensive at our wedding 10 years ago. I never would have pushed for those 2 things if I thought he would bring it up every 6 months for the next 10-12 years.

So what now? Continue with the divorce? He’s had an offer accepted on a flat nearby.

It just all feels so silly and such a waste. He’s still living with us until his place is completed and refurbished so likely until January.

[Tokyo123]

This might be a manipulation tactic which I’ve seen before. Some of the guys as soon as realise that it’s over try to be overly nice which put you in a position of regretting. Don’t forget how he used to act towards you as that was the moment he showed his true face.

[BlancheW]

The waste is a wasted future, not a wasted past. I don’t regret the past at all.

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

Why would it be a waste getting divorced?There is no guarantee any relationship, marriage, friendship or job is going to work out. Any decision made in life is risky but what is the point of looking at it as a waste. Maybe put it down to experience and learn for next time what qualities you are looking for from a relationship, what it is that will make you happy. Take the good memories and the bad ones with you but don’t see anything as a waste. And if you’ve had kids from a marriage then I’m sure they wouldn’t want you calling your time as a family ‘a waste’

[Stegasaurusmum]

@smokedglass thank you, that really helps. I'm hoping we will all be happier and I'm glad we are doing it now, my DC are 10 and 5 and they seem to be coping fine. Could have done without lock down, 4 months of living together has been hard... But in a way it made us do it all slowly, which is good. Not once has he begged me to stay or to try again.. So it's mutual, even if I was the one to push it.
@BlancheW I'm glad it helped. I can't imagine how it feels to know you've got more time living together, I know for me I just had this horrible feeling leading up to the weekends... I know I'll be lonely some nights, but there is nothing as lonely as sitting in a room with someone who is just on their phone, or not having a conversation.. Nothing as bad as waiting for help that never comes.. I'm actually excited about doing things for myself. I bought a tool kit yesterday and I am so excited about knowing where everything is, not having to ask where he put things as he was such a slob with putting things away.. Small wins!

[Dery]

He sounds awful. Where does he get off thinking he doesn’t have to parent his own DCs and do any housework because he’s in paid employment? When not working, DH and I spent most of our time parenting. That’s what parents do. You’ve learnt to settle for scraps. Don’t do that any more.

[BlancheW]

Yes, I think it would have been easy to stay together but then delay the inevitable break up again later. Better to do it while a bit younger.

[BlancheW]

Thank you Stegasaurusmum. Do much of what you have said resonated with me. Your post really helped.

[SmokedGlass]

@Stegasaurusmum

Your relationship sounds very much like mine was, he wasn’t really interested in home life, his business was his world, he was great with the kids (now adults) and generous to a fault, I could spend on the home without question, go on holidays with friends to wherever I wanted but he could never give me himself

We had loads of friends, socialised often but his heart was never in anything. He was quite cold, said all the right things but was emotionally detached. It took me 25 yrs to actually realise that this was going to be my future unless I changed it
6 yrs on, I’m single, very happy and have a meaningful and fulfilled life and have never regretted my decision

@BlancheW

Your husband seems lacking with empathy and warmth, his rigidity will only get worse
Picture yourself 10 yrs on, is this what you want from a relationship?
Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do
Things will be brighter, I assure you

[Stegasaurusmum]

Op, I am currently separating from my DH of 18 years, and I have doubts, but I think I kind of liken it to each time there's a major jump, like telling him I was done trying, deciding contact, deciding he was moving etc, when he found somewhere to live... I had doubts, fears.. Bit like jumping from a plane, then having a momentary panic... But then finding I had a parachute... I soon recognised its just letting go, its like the relief and the fear kind of go hand in hand.
Like you, no we didn't argue, we got on fine..the spark had gone, as it does for most people I guess, but there was no respect left really either. He just didn't communicate, so eventually I didn't either. He doesn't show empathy or care for others, if I was hurt or sad, he had no idea what to do to help. He never once made me a cup of tea... Because he doesn't drink it, so why should he?... Parenting, he did if I asked, but not unless asked.. I did nearly 100% of household stuff, but also with a full time job. I asked for help, over and over.. He knew I was struggling, night after night and didn't do anything. Was like it before children, but much worse after.. Told our relate counsellor that 'no one had ever taught him how to do it', parenting, cleaning etc...!
So, I ended it, and yes, I have doubts, because he's a decent bloke, he's a hard worker, I would have had a very easy life, financially... I have a beautiful home, full of stuff because I just spent money to fill the void I guess.. But I just had this horrible, nagging sadness that I would go home most nights to silence, no communication, no interest in my day.. No connection, my resentment and anger at him all the time... unless of course he'd had a drink, then he was the life and soul....
When I ended it, even through all the counselling etc, he only really tried to make an effort for a couple of months. After I told him that I was done, he spent a week pulling out all the stops... A week. Before turning around and agreeing to it, even thanking me for ending things. So really, he knew too. Sounds like yours does too.

It still made me doubt myself every time he put on the dishwasher, or did a job round the house, or was kind... But I keep reminding myself, it's just fear, I'm grabbing at any tiny morsel he throws my way.


In your list I see you saying he's warm.. He doesn't sound it. I used to start to say mind was kind... But often I didn't feel he was. Caring... But actually he's quite cold... Good dad, but actually he's very passive, not a natural, not hands on, doesn't do the day to day practical parenting.. All those good qualities are things that will mean he's going to be decent, will see the kids lots, will be able to earn enough to help them through uni etc.. All the good stuff, although it wasn't enough to keep us together, it's things that will make us good Co parents I think, maybe even friends

So really, when I think about my list of reasons why I should stay, try again etc... There's not much on it. There might not be much on yours, if you look past the fear of change and of making the jump.

[BlancheW]

I don’t think he’s a narcissist. I have met one of those before! No, I think he’s emotionally detached and too rigid.

We do get on. We never argued.

[BlancheW]

Thingsdogetbetter :0)

He was more attentive before children and we had dates. After children we were very broke for a few years and had no support so never got to go out.

Before kids he used to joke about my lack of domesticity because I hated washing up.

In the first year when they were babies he was great but once my youngest turned 1 he took a new job and that became the focus. It was a career change so was all consuming. He’s angry because he was doing the job for us as a family and he feels that I didn’t make allowances for him when I should have done.

[Techway]

He sounds very toxic and not capable of close relationships where you rely on each other. His focus is himself, his needs and probadly his image.

Doesn't surprise me that he is charming as that is often the honey to trap people.
His ability to switch off shows his attachments are shallow. I divorced a very similar man, who also had hardly any close relationships. Like you I had doubts, mostly because I couldn't understand why he would choose to act in a way where I had to end the marriage. We had a great life, happy children so why destroy it all?

Sadly he couldn't be different, the cycle is idealise, devalue and discard. His contempt for you is the discard phase. You didn't cause it and he is likely to repeat the pattern with the next woman.


After counselling I have finally understood emotionally unhealthy people.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Oooh, I'm proper angry at him! Was I too harsh OP? Sorry.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

So basically he was nice and caring til you had kids? Was he doing his share of the housework til then or were you doing the lot? I'd bet my bottom dollar it was all you, but he was loving, caring and nice to you so you let it go.

Then the dc came along and he wasn't centre of attention any more and turned into a more visibly selfish arse of a manchild. So along with still leaving you to do all the housework and now look after the dc and work, he decided that something you said years ago means he's fully justified in being a selfish arse of a manchild.

Is that basically it?

There is nothing in his post divorce decision behaviour that suggests anything will change if you stay married. Nothing! He's still pulling up random irrelevant 'facts' to justify himself, because he really really believes he has the right to treat you like his domestic slave.

Being Mr Nice every now and again is not enough change to stay. But this time he'll know that all it takes is a cup of coffee and pretending to be nice every now and again and you'll stay, working yourself to the bone in desperate deluded hope, while he does the big "I earn more than you" entitled king of the castle shite.

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

He sounds like a lazy arse! Think your mind is playing tricks on you!!

[SandyY2K]

I suppose because she’s no longer here, that’s becoming a distant memory.

You're a better person than me to be able to forgive that. No amount of time would allow me to forgive and forget.... it sounds so heartless of him.

[CodexDevinchi]

@BlancheW

He sometimes has to look to others to see what a normal emotional reaction should be (in my view).

This is how sociopaths behave. My fil is one. Couldn’t understand why his brother was so upset that his wife died. Actually told him ‘crying won’t bring her back’ and why it’s so important to move on....

My fil can be really helpful at times but he sees it as a duty nothing else.

Don’t hanker for what could of been. His behaviour over your mum is awful by the way

[BlancheW]

I suppose because she’s no longer here, that’s becoming a distant memory.

[SandyY2K]

He actually said he was wishing she would die when she lived with us because he felt she had a smell.

How can you be second guessing divorcing such a man.

That's horrible that he said this. Just awful.

[CodexDevinchi]

Why are you blaming yourself? It takes two to keep a marriage alive and working successfully. You have needs that he hasn’t fulfilled and probably won’t.

I could see that if we carried on I’d end up hating him and I’d probably turn really bitter at my wasted life. We’ve separated at a point we can be friendly with each and honestly it’s made a massive difference in regarding the kids. We went on a outing the other day and and the kids had a fab time. However for me I’ve completely switched off from any romantic attracted feelings towards him so He’s just been relegated to the kids dad

The book took any guilty feelings away because I know we will not make each other happy long term.

I named the book wrong it’s ‘Too bad to stay too good to leave

[dottiedodah]

FFS! Quite apart from anything else , "he was so unkind to your poor Mum that your Nanny went home and cried about it!" Can this man really be the person you want to be married to? Have you had Counselling at all?(On your own) to deal with these kind of feelings? They are perfectly natural ,because you have shared a long marriage and children together.Why does he blame you for his loss of friends (maybe they are fed up with him too! He is leaving you with all the Grunt work as well as demanding job and DC to boot! Hotfoot it now and dont look back!

[RB68]

This is a control issue - he is controlling the whole situation to his liking - he doesn't want to do any of the "shit" as he sees it and is offloading it onto you and belittling your job and what you want (hence focus on more expensive items from previously) as he wants what he wants and nothing else. I would push him out asap - if him being more reasonable means that he will coparent well - all well and good but you wait until anything he doesn't see "as his job" comes along.... he won't change his spots

[footprintsintheslow]

I don't think I could forgive how he treated you when your mum was dying.

I've never experienced famine or a plane crash or cancer but I can empathise with victims.

[HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB]

Divorce, you will never get these years back, don't waste even more on him.

Sounds like "King of the castle" abuse style to me.

"The King of the Castle
Controls us by treating us like a servant and expecting us to do all the dirty menial jobs. He controls the money and makes all the major decision. As a result we believe we are second-class citizens. Some men say that women are for “CFCs” Cooking, fucking and cleaning."

source: www.singleparents.org.uk/information/abuse-violence/tactics-of-an-abuser

If he doesn't see it as his duty to his children to contribute to their care.... he will certainly never see is his duty as your husband to contribute to your home.

You are supposed to be partners, a team, equals. If someone else who will treat you better.

[MotherofTerriers]

He sounds awful. Having a wobble is only natural, but if you go through with the divorce and get yourself set up properly so you can be independent there is nothing to stop you having a friendly co-parenting relationship with him.
He resents you choosing expensive light fittings but you are supposed to accept him wishing your mum would die.....
I think once you've got the divorce out of the way he will look a lot less appealing than he does now