Is it me or him?

[SameOldPlace]

NC for this. I really didn't want to post about this as I do feel it's him being awkward!

In the last 3/4 weeks I reconnected with my ex who I split up with around 4 months previously. He had a lot of trust issues and it was a constant battle with the level of reassurance he needed.

When we first got back in contact he said he was happy with the level of affection he was receiving from me but as the weeks has gone on this has started reducing again. I believe this is directly down to the fact he has started being needy and having the trust issues again.

He often says he needs me to behave a certain way else he can't feel confident in us. The issue I have is that he always seems miserable. Even when I do try to be affectionate at times he's not even responded because he said he's feeling down about things. Him being like this puts me off, then being told to be a certain way makes me not want to do it more.
He seems to not have the ability to relax and chill and just let things happen naturally.
Things came to head a few days ago when I said I just needed to chill out for an hour before bed so wouldn't call him as I'd been out celebrating my child's birthday and was knackered. We were planning to see each other the next day anyway in the evening so I didn't think it would be much of an issue.
He started saying I don't make him a priority and that I'm not bothered about him and basically insinuating that I should be calling him instead of chilling.
I work full time and knew I'd have a busy day Monday. He came over after work Monday and child not here Monday and Tuesday.
He basically demanded that things need to change immediately and that I need to make an effort to show him he's important to me. I said I'm still shattered as I didn't end up sleeping well due to the stress and child being unwell in the night. I explained I would rather just chill and get an early night and he started going on again about if I cared I'd make an effort. I said I wasn't really in the mood for sex and he asked me why not. I reiterated the above.
He can't seem to take into account that things don't always go to plan and that I was tired. As it happens today I'm coming down with a cold etc.
I've said if he chills out then I can show him off my own back how I feel about him.
He says I've broken his heart again and making me feel awful when I've explained the pressure is really off putting. He's saying it won't change unless I show him first that he's important and the only one for me and then he'll try to stop the behaviour.
I really hoped things would be different but I think he's mentally messing me about?
Sorry for the long post

Get rid. Anything else would be banging your head against a brick wall.

Just think. This is the honeymoon period and is the best you're gonna get in this relationship. If that's what you want, fair enough. But you'll lead a life of absolute misery. Trust me

Good lord life is far to short for that sort of shit! Go find someone who can behave like an adult (oh and who understands relationships are about a couple not "me-me-me"). Seriously, you don't have to fall over yourself proving the importance of a man who thinks you are so unimportant you should be pandering to their needs rather than being able to relax for an evening.

He was an Ex for a reason.
Why are you putting up with all of this AGAIN!???
He's not the one for you.
Just re-read your post.
He is needy and controlling - very very controlling.
You are you and you act however you want.
Please end this and don't ever consider getting back with him again.
Put YOU first.

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Coercive control.

It's him! He's not needy, or insecurely jealous, he's controlling and manipulative and is waving red flags by the bucketful. He's insisting on you focus solely and completely on him and only him regardless of your own life - how is that going to work when you have a child? He has acknowledge his behaviour isn't right as he's said he will eventually try to change, but you are the one that needs to do the work And you've broken his heart (drama llama!) because one time you didn't focus on him and didn't want sex. One time! Ffs. Can you imagine what he'd be like if your dc was ill and you didn't want sex for a week?

He's already got you questioning your perfectly normal behaviour. Run. Fast.

He sounds like a loon.

You haven’t even bothered with the usual caveats (“but I love him so much”, “but he’s a great dad” etc etc).

He’s just a pain in the arse who’s making your life miserable.

FFS! dump the twat. Again. And keep him dumped. Partners are supposed to enhance your life, not make it miserable. Are you desperate for a man? Even a controlling self-centred twat of a man like him?

Why do you want to be with someone like this? It’s not a dirty socks on the floor issue.

The dynamic and interactions are all wrong here. You are both completely wrong for each other. I doubt there is much intention on either side. This story is usually one where the genders are reversed. And in that case the man is chilling or being elusive. This plays on insecurities in a vicious circle.

If you were to stay with this person, knowing how toxic it is and will increasingly become, then I would question your behaviour. You are not right for each other.

So basically you broke up because he didn't trust you and wanted too much from you.

You got back together again and found that he hasn't changed at all. Well, what a shock. Unless he had extensive therapy in the few months you were apart, why would you expect him to be any different?

Because he told you he would be? If he told you the moon was cheese would you go out and buy a giant cracker?

Yes it's true I'm questioning myself.
When we first started talking again I acknowledged to him that I needed to put more effort in with affection as it's something I struggle with. I was happily doing this and it felt like it still wasn't enough. It's like he wants me to be at his feet worshipping him.

He was due to be in contact with mind but hasn't followed up on this. I currently attend online support group and I mentioned the issue. They were concerned why I'd gone back to something that was previously unhealthy.

I did explain to him Monday that I will do what I want when I want. He accusing me of only picking him up when I've nothing better to do which isn't true. I genuinely have a busy life working full time and with my child.

He has suggested that he wants me to express how lucky I am to have him in my life and has also said he's got a lot going for him so this should be acknowledged 🤨

I am not a fan of people who think they are gods gift. It's good to be confident in yourself but I think this is a different level?

It's the guilt he lays on me for breaking his heart and apparently I don't care about him and I'm not bothered about him. I don't want to make another human feel that way.

Yes I do not intend to continue that's for sure. I posted due to more how the guilt tripping is making me feel.
I'm certainly not desperate for a man. I'm very happy in my own company. I think I was naive thinking it could be different.
There's no way I'm letting it affect me like it did before.

He doesn't actually feel that way, he's just manipulating you. Dump him

You are really over thinking this. It was a shit relationship, it ended. For unfathomable reasons, you decided to put yourself through it again. It's still shit. Why on earth do you need to make this into a drama? Just end it, block him and be done with it.

@Commentutappelles

I understand what you are saying and the last thing I want is a drama. The reason I attend support group is due to emotional issues. I'm really struggling to let him make me feel this way and I don't want him to think badly of me.

I just needed some support on this issue as it will really affect me if I feel guilty it's been my fault.

Never ever had anyone friend or partner act in this way.
He is just plain odd, and needs to be an ex again.
He thinks since you took him back he can train you.

FFS. He sounds like a total nightmare. A future with him would be an absolute misery. Dump and BLOCK.

@SameOldPlace

Yes it's true I'm questioning myself. When we first started talking again I acknowledged to him that I needed to put more effort in with affection as it's something I struggle with. I was happily doing this and it felt like it still wasn't enough. It's like he wants me to be at his feet worshipping him.

He was due to be in contact with mind but hasn't followed up on this. I currently attend online support group and I mentioned the issue. They were concerned why I'd gone back to something that was previously unhealthy.

I did explain to him Monday that I will do what I want when I want. He accusing me of only picking him up when I've nothing better to do which isn't true. I genuinely have a busy life working full time and with my child.

He has suggested that he wants me to express how lucky I am to have him in my life and has also said he's got a lot going for him so this should be acknowledged 🤨

I am not a fan of people who think they are gods gift. It's good to be confident in yourself but I think this is a different level?

It's the guilt he lays on me for breaking his heart and apparently I don't care about him and I'm not bothered about him. I don't want to make another human feel that way.

My ex H had demands like this eg I should thank him every day . He had depression which he wouldn't get help for .

Brrrrr, creepy, coercive and controlling. Please block on everything. xxx

You are responsibe for yourself and your DC. You are not responsible for some random who makes you miserable and would be well on the way to taking over your entire life if you let him.

If he's such a catch in his own eyes, he'll have no problem finding your replacement, will he?

He just sounds dreadful. Don't think you've done anything wrong. You sound fine.

Stuff of nightmares! Dump him and be free!

@SameOldPlace, you have no reason to feel guilty, he's manipulating you and making you feel bad but I would bet you £1000 he doesn't feel any guilt about it. I expect he promised lots of good things to get you back, has he kept to any of them? He was due to get help from Mind but, oh look, now he hasn't bothered. He knows you have your own issues but he's not helping because he it makes it easier to get his own way, to twist his neediness into your problem. I bet when he says affection he means sex, he thinks you should be SO grateful for him that sex on tap is his due.
You sound like a kind person but you need to forget him and worry about yourself and your DC, if he has his own demons he needs to sort them out by himself. Good luck

User above is right- @SameOldPlace Your guilt would be unwarranted and trying to guilt trip you is one of many manipulative tactics he's using (pretty badly!) to get what he wants. He's even literally trying to put words in your mouth!

The only people you have any obligation to are your DD and yourself.

Write down/think of how he makes you feel or tries to make you feel- anything that he makes you do or pressures you over etc. You owe someone who makes you feel this way nothing.

Block him on everything or he'll keep trying to get at you/get back at you.

I don't understand how he doesn't realise that all his behaviour is doing is make me want to run in the other direction.

How do people have no awareness of how their behaviour affects others?

At this point I'm just concerned for his mental well being as he seems completely convinced there's nothing wrong with what he's trying to do.

I wish I'd never gone back there.