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Original poster

Disrespectful to date somebody's ex ?

28 replies

EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 15:18

A girl who I hung around with several years ago, as part of a group on nights out, never got to know her really well but she seemed nice.
She had a boyfriend and I met him 2/3 times.
They broke up around 3 years ago now, and I haven't seen her since. She's very close friends with our mutual friend and they talk every day, however she hasn't made much effort to stay in contact.
I've messaged her every few months i'd say, and she would reply but often after 10 days, or just not reply at all, so I gathered that she wasn't too fussed about me, even if her replies were friendly, I felt like it was more polite small talk.

With the mutual friend on the other hand, they speak every day and are very close.

I unexpectedly got in touch with her ex, we spent months talking during lockdown, developed feelings and we are now together which is really nice.

I have the girl on Facebook and she became suspicuous because we were commenting on each other's pages or whatever. Also, our mutual friend had told her that I had spoken to him (this was at the very start)

I felt guilty in a way but I don't think i'm doing anything wrong. It wasn't him who ended it, and they both said they were not happy together, I think she may have cheated but i'm not certain and have no proof. She has been with someone else now for over 2 years and lives with him.

Anyway, she doesn't really contact me first and clearly doesn't consider me a good friend so why should I ask her 'permission'? I thought I would tell her out of courtesy but that's it.

I wanted to wait until it was sure and official between us, but she messaged me very angry messages saying that she had seen our social media activity, how disrespectful I was, how she would 'never do that to anybody' how 'wrong' it was and that I 'needed to stop'.

She then said it was so weird to imagine us together.
I felt very bad because I had no intention of upsetting or hurting her and didn't want her to feel that way.
She told me she doesn't have any feelings and that he is perfectly allowed to move on (but apparently im not)

I just found it bizarre that she's had another boyfriend for 2 years yet is so angry about what her ex from years ago is doing ?
It also felt like she can pick and choose when i'm her friend, when it suits her.

I don't think i've been out of line ? I'm prepared for harsh replies but I don't think she had the right to talk to me like that. I was really sorry she was upset but looking back, it isn't her business.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 15:18

She was also seeking information about it through our mutual friend and gossiping about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 15:20

Btw, they were together for 1 and a bit years

OP posts:
Qsandmore · 21/07/2020 15:20

You barely know or speak to the woman, she’s not a “friend”. Block her and be happy.

MoonBabysMagicalKalimba · 21/07/2020 15:21

You have done nothing wrong. It sounds like she is an acquaintance at best, not a friend.

Everybody (well, most people) is somebody's ex.

Ignore her and enjoy your new relationship.

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 15:21

Exactly, how dare she in a way. She replies 10 days later yet replies daily to the other friend, doesn't contact me first yet apparently can dictate what I do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 15:22

She really lashed out at me yet by her theory he is dating her 'friend', too. I guess I was an easy target.

OP posts:
Ketchup90 · 21/07/2020 15:22

You dont owe her anything here!

Marlena1 · 21/07/2020 15:24

She is BU. He is an ex, she doesn't own him!!! Would be weird if she was your bestie, but that's not the case. Don't let her ruin your happiness.

Servalan · 21/07/2020 15:27

Sounds like a somewhat bizarre overreaction on her point and a little controlling to be honest. If you and she were good friends she might have a point, but if you don't speak very often then isn't she more of an acquaintance?

Maybe she is holding a torch for him. It's a bit strange to be so focussed on an ex's FB page that you notice who he is talking with...

Servalan · 21/07/2020 15:29

Were they together a long time? Do they have shared children?

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 21/07/2020 15:31

She's odd, he is nothing to do with her and hasn't been for years, you're not friends, it's none of her business.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/07/2020 15:35

Ugh just block her and get on with your life.

Hiccupiscal · 21/07/2020 15:36

When me and my ex split, he went around trying it on with all my friends as a get back to me.

I found out that one of them was what I would consider a best friend. Eg. I had been talking to her almost daily about the break up, very close, seen me cry etc. She slept with him.
I tried to forgive but found I couldn't. It ended an almost 20 year friendship.

Another woman got involved with him, but i would consider her a friend of a friend.. we had been on holidays together, pubs, i always through she was quite cool, smart and very moral.
Like your 'friend' I thought something was up because of SM, I asked a mutual friend and she told me, that unless I was to ask direct she wouldn't say anything, but since i had she would tell me the truth - they were dating.

Did I feel sick? Yes.
Did it play on my mind? Absolutely
Did I feel it was in bad taste and she shouldn't be doing it? Also yes.

Was I crazy enough to do anything about it?
Absolutely not.

Two consenting adults. Hes not in relationship with me anymore, and the woman in question- i would call a friend of a friend - rather than anything to do with me -
Despite the fact that we had been on holidays together, nights out, shared drinks, introduced her to my bf. I felt put out and hurt, but im also not crazy and realised she owed me nothing, or not did he

(although his motives were questionable and turned out as expected he was out to attempt to hurt me, and ended up hurting her terribly)

In your case, exactly like in mine, you've done nothing wrong and nor as he.
She might be hurt or shocked (i had also moved on, but didn't make it any less painful ex was dating close to home, we had split but it was painful and I felt like he was the one who got away almost) same as me, but it gives her no right to try and make you feel bad - youre doing nothing wrong.

Wildwood6 · 21/07/2020 15:43

She doesn't own her ex, and you were not responsible for their break up. I understand its a shock and uncomfortable for her but you've done absolutely nothing wrong and its none of her business. Once you've got a few years on the clock pretty much everyone is someone else's ex! Enjoy your new-found happiness OP :)

gamerout · 21/07/2020 15:52

Even if you were close, she’s not your problem. If she’d broken up with him this year and you were close, then yeah, courtesy and friendship should mean you’d approach her to say “are you ok with me dating him” BUT she’s been with somebody else longer than she was with him. She’s got no rights!

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 21/07/2020 16:03

Thank you, I feel much more assured now, pretty annoyed at myself for apologising and giving into her, but I had really not expected her to react like that, it was a shock to get those angry messages out of the blue.
But yeah, she has absolutely no right, it's really none of her business and I will continue to ignore her.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 21/07/2020 16:06

She is unhinged. Keep well away. Don’t be drawn into her drama - keep silent, indifferent and dignified - that will keep the spotlight on her dysfunctional antics.

Don’t share anything with the mutual friend - keep it all vague, vanilla, non committal as Ms Unhinged will likely be pumping the friend for info - and if she doesn’t know much - she can’t feel under pressure.

I hope your RS develops nicely - is she hounding and stalking him to tell him off?

Wonder what her partner of 2 years would think of her obsessional and inappropriate actions.

user1481840227 · 21/07/2020 16:25

She was an acquaintance, not a friend.

As for her saying she doesn't have feelings for him, I have an ex who I don't have feelings for, he's begged for me back for well over a year so I could be with him if I wanted to be with him.....but there's definitely some kind of hurt and anger left over from that relationship for me.
I personally want him as far away from me as possible. If he was seeing my friends friend I would not want to hear about it. I think it would upset me because I never want to know what he's up too again. I'd also feel sorry for her because he was abusive!!
I would hate to bump into him at other social events and him be part of the gang!

However after saying that I would just handle it by cutting the connections on social media and asking my mutual friend not to mention anything about the relationship to me. I definitely wouldn't be angry at her or say anything bad about it to her, but if she asked me I'd say thanks for letting me know and be honest and just say that i'd rather not see it on my social media, I hoped she didn't mind and it wasn't a big deal, it was just easier for me that way.

As for my other ex (the father of my kids) I wouldn't care if he went out with my bestie lol..Funnily enough I actually became good friends with his new girlfriend!!

I wouldn't necessarily think it was bizarre that she has a new boyfriend but is so angry....Maybe she cheated and they were unhappy but no one really knows what happened between them or what might have went on or what they shared and the bond they had except for the 2 of them and this could have stirred up lots of emotions in her for all sorts of reasons.
That doesn't mean it was ok for her to do and say those things, but rather that I personally wouldn't hold one meltdown against someone to the point where I would consider her crazy or unhinged.

I definitely wouldn't tolerate any more angry messages or anything though.

thebear1 · 21/07/2020 16:30

You have done nothing wrong and I say that as someone who has two friends in relationships with ex boyfriends of mine.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/07/2020 16:31

don't let your new relationship become 'all about her' kind of thing.. which can very easily happen... whereby all you and he talk about is how annoyed she is by your getting together.. make sure you are bonded by your own connection not your mutual connection to her... oh and block her Flowers

HookShot · 21/07/2020 17:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Enderman · 21/07/2020 17:50

She’s someone you barely know who he split up with 3 years ago. I’d tell her to get the fuck over herself to be honest.

LocalHobo · 21/07/2020 17:56

I'm interested as to how you could unexpectedly got in touch with her ex ?
But in any case, no way do you owe her an apology or even a second thought.

user1481840227 · 21/07/2020 18:08

Great point by @BumbleBeee69
People tend to bond a lot over a perceived shared enemy. It can probably create some false intimacy and a bit of a Romeo and Juliet thing lol

Hopefully the ex will let it go and won't say anything else about it!

gavisconismyfriend · 21/07/2020 18:09

Perhaps both you and your BF should block her on social media and then she won’t see your conversations. She’s being utterly unreasonable and it really is none of her business!