Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He faked it

45 replies

disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 13:57

Don't really know where to start with this one.
DP is on antidepressants so I know it affects his sex drive. I get really frustrated that his sex drive is much lower than mine but I accept that it's probably the medication that affects it. I feel really unsatisfied with our sex life he only instigates it when he's had a drink and then when he does he often doesn't finish.

But last night he faked it and it's really bothering me. I haven't said a word to him about it because I don't want to cause more problems in that department and I don't want to be insensitive. It was quite apparent he hadn't finished without going into TMI.

Should I say something or leave it?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 21/07/2020 13:58

Sit down and broach the subject careful with the view that moving forward you’d like change and not dwelling on the past

Windmillwhirl · 21/07/2020 14:09

He likely faked it as he knew you'd be disappointed.

How long have your libidos been mismatched?

I get you are unsatisfied but I also feel for him. Hes probably afraid of having sex because he knows you will be unfulfilled.

You do need to discuss it because your annoyance and resentment will only continue to build otherwise

Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:18

@Windmillwhirl

He likely faked it as he knew you'd be disappointed.

How long have your libidos been mismatched?

I get you are unsatisfied but I also feel for him. Hes probably afraid of having sex because he knows you will be unfulfilled.

You do need to discuss it because your annoyance and resentment will only continue to build otherwise

Our libidos have been mismatched from day one. I do feel for him and I have tried to discuss things but I also feel like he doesn't get me either. Last night was the first time in a couple of weeks that we had had sex. I didn't know whether to say something afterwards or not. I feel like if I bring it up now I'll be being insensitive.

OP posts:
Burpalot · 21/07/2020 14:20

You can bring it up in a sensitive way. I probably wouldn't mention last night specifically but talk in general.
What has he said already about it? Would he like things to be better? Would Viagra help? Could he try new ADs?

How long have you been together?

Llamazoom · 21/07/2020 14:22

My ex takes Sertraline, he sometimes had the sensation without the result if you know what I mean. Antidepressants are sex drive killers.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:22

Why are you having sex with him if you know that he doesn't really want it?

You need to talk to him about how he feels, what he needs, how it can be made more enjoyable for him (basically read all the threads from women having unsatisfactory sex and see what the men involved are expected to do in order to make sex better for their partners).

Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:24

@Burpalot

You can bring it up in a sensitive way. I probably wouldn't mention last night specifically but talk in general. What has he said already about it? Would he like things to be better? Would Viagra help? Could he try new ADs?

How long have you been together?

He's already said to me today that he enjoyed last night. I don't know if he would want to try Viagra or anything like that to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:26

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Why are you having sex with him if you know that he doesn't really want it?

You need to talk to him about how he feels, what he needs, how it can be made more enjoyable for him (basically read all the threads from women having unsatisfactory sex and see what the men involved are expected to do in order to make sex better for their partners).

I don't have sex with him if he doesn't want to. He instigated it last night. I rarely ever instigate it anymore due to not wanting to put pressure on him. I also don't expect him to solve this problem. I want to sort it together and come to a solution together. I don't lay any of this at his door.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 21/07/2020 14:29

There are dozens of anti-depressants/meds they can try. He could go back and try different ones, eventually they should hit on one that doesn't have this side effect for him.

But then again, it sounds like he wasn't as into sex as you from the start. Sad Often sex decreases as a relationship goes on.

walksen · 21/07/2020 14:34

Depending on the antidepressant and the dose anorgasmia is a frequent side effect. He may not be able to finish and sensation overall massively reduced. It could be that this makes having sex a daunting process because it kind of reinforces the fact that there is something wrong. Doctors can be blade about it because it is very common with most ssri or snri type medication

Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:34

@Interestedwoman

There are dozens of anti-depressants/meds they can try. He could go back and try different ones, eventually they should hit on one that doesn't have this side effect for him.

But then again, it sounds like he wasn't as into sex as you from the start. Sad Often sex decreases as a relationship goes on.

This is what worries me we haven't been together that long in the grand scheme of things. I don't want him to change his meds as the ones he's on work for the problem he needed to take them for in the first place

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 21/07/2020 14:38

If you haven’t been together for that long, maybe now is a good time to take a step back and decide if this relationship is going to work for you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:39

Does he seem to be enjoying it while it's happening?

It seems like if he doesn't want it frequently and doesn't climax then he maybe isn't enjoying it and is doing it more because he thinks you want it? Hence why I think it's vital you really talk to him about how he feels about it, without putting pressure on him.

Somethingkindaoooo · 21/07/2020 14:45

Maybe he enjoyed it, but just didn't ejaculate?
I'd leave it.

Believe him when he says he enjoyed it

Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:54

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Does he seem to be enjoying it while it's happening?

It seems like if he doesn't want it frequently and doesn't climax then he maybe isn't enjoying it and is doing it more because he thinks you want it? Hence why I think it's vital you really talk to him about how he feels about it, without putting pressure on him.

He does seem to enjoy it at the time and I know he gets frustrated at the time. I am always understanding and say it's ok - because it is but it also leaves me feeling not good enough or wondering if it is me. He has reassured me that it's not me when we've spoken about it before.

OP posts:
Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:55

@Somethingkindaoooo

Maybe he enjoyed it, but just didn't ejaculate? I'd leave it. Believe him when he says he enjoyed it

I do believe him when he says he enjoyed it. I'm more shocked that he faked it tbh because it was quite obvious he hadn't ejaculated I'd feel less bothered if he'd just said he couldn't finish.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:57

Women fake it though don't they? Presumably he faked it for similar reasons?

Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:57

@MeanMrMustardSeed

If you haven’t been together for that long, maybe now is a good time to take a step back and decide if this relationship is going to work for you.

Everything else is perfect in every other way. He's the kindest man I've ever been with but I do sometimes wonder if this is as good as it will get. Because if it is I don't know if that works for me ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 14:59

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Women fake it though don't they? Presumably he faked it for similar reasons?

Agreed. But when a woman fakes it it's not obvious afterwards IYSWIM we're lucky we can get away with it on that respect.

But I see what you mean and maybe there is no difference.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 15:02

Exactly. If it was as easy as just saying you couldn't finish then women wouldn't need to fake it either.

It's all very complex and too easy to push one or other partner into blaming themselves or feeling pressured or applying pressure.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/07/2020 15:04

When I first met my bf he had some issues finishing. He is also on AD's. It did get better the longer we were together and the more comfortable we both felt with each other and now we don't have any problems (apart from me having a higher sex drive but not so much higher that it causes issues).

It is a little strange for a man to fake it though as like you say...it's a little more obvious than when it' a woman (thank the Lord)!

Greenkit · 21/07/2020 15:30

He doesn't need to cum to make sure your satisfied.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 16:28

@Greenkit

He doesn't need to cum to make sure your satisfied.
Of course, whether he enjoys it or not doesn't matter?

If it's his responsibility that op is satisfied then it's her responsibility that he's satisfied.

DoWahDiddy · 21/07/2020 16:44

Sertraline is also used to treat premature ejaculation. I'm a guy who was on Sertraline for depression and it had the effect on me that I was unable to ejaculate which made me even more depressed. I ditched the meds. Well worth exploring alternatives.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2020 16:50

I would be ending it and quickly. The two of you are simply not suited for each other and you already are feeling resentful and frustrated. This will not get better.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.