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Relationships

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Original poster

He faked it

45 replies

disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 13:57

Don't really know where to start with this one.
DP is on antidepressants so I know it affects his sex drive. I get really frustrated that his sex drive is much lower than mine but I accept that it's probably the medication that affects it. I feel really unsatisfied with our sex life he only instigates it when he's had a drink and then when he does he often doesn't finish.

But last night he faked it and it's really bothering me. I haven't said a word to him about it because I don't want to cause more problems in that department and I don't want to be insensitive. It was quite apparent he hadn't finished without going into TMI.

Should I say something or leave it?

OP posts:

Sugartitties · 21/07/2020 17:02

if he’s faking it because he’s worried about your reaction

i wouldn’t say anything about that but i’d be having a chat

once the sex goes it’s the end i think

Greenkit · 21/07/2020 17:35

28Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Greenkit

He doesn't need to cum to make sure your satisfied.

Of course, whether he enjoys it or not doesn't matter?

If it's his responsibility that op is satisfied then it's her responsibility that he's satisfied

Op said she felt frustrated, her husband can make sure she is satisfied with sex, even if he didn't cum. He can still enjoy sex, even if the end result doesn't always end in ejaculation.

It might take the pressure off if he isn't always expected to ejaculate.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 17:46

@Greenkit

28Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Greenkit

He doesn't need to cum to make sure your satisfied.

Of course, whether he enjoys it or not doesn't matter?

If it's his responsibility that op is satisfied then it's her responsibility that he's satisfied

Op said she felt frustrated, her husband can make sure she is satisfied with sex, even if he didn't cum. He can still enjoy sex, even if the end result doesn't always end in ejaculation.

It might take the pressure off if he isn't always expected to ejaculate.

Well, if he can still enjoy it without cumming then so can she no? Or she can help herself? How is it his responsibility to satisfy her but not her responsibility to satisfy him?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 17:50

I'm always puzzled on these threads how the man is expected to satisfy the woman, even if he isn't enjoying sex.

Why isn't it for mutual enjoyment and satisfaction or not at all? You see it on threads about ED too - just because he can't have sex it shouldn't mean he can't pleasure his partner. If a woman can't have sex do you think she should be pleasuring her partner?

SimonJT · 21/07/2020 22:27

It is a really common side effect of ADs, not ejaculating doesn’t mean he isn’t having an orgasm. I often don’t finish in that way, but I do orgasm.

But it seems like a red herring as the lack of sex drive seems like the bigger issue, is it the ADs that have reduced his sex drive or has he always had a similar sex drive?

RLEOM · 21/07/2020 22:41

I really loved my ex but he wasn't great in bed due to being a porn addict, very selfish, ED, didn't sound like he enjoyed cumming. I enjoyed it because it was with him but it wasn't satisfying. I tried to tackle the problem but he refused to discuss it. We split for other reasons but it all linked back to his poor relationship with women/desire.

I'd say to sit down and talk. At least try.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/07/2020 22:43

I'm on antidepressants: erections don't come as easily as they once did and I only manage to ejaculate every third or fourth time.

Our sex lives are great. It's still very enjoyable and having to work a bit harder is fun. There is loads you can to with each other that doesn't revolve around PiV.

You need to talk to him and he needs to work on it.

I'm always puzzled on these threads how the man is expected to satisfy the woman, even if he isn't enjoying sex.

Intimacy is an important part of a relaationship for most people. Nothing in the OP suggests he isn't enjoying it but it takes effort to keep things going in a long marriage. If you don't derive any enjoyment from your partner's pleasure some thing is wrong.

FindingNeverland1 · 21/07/2020 23:01

we haven't been together that long

How long is not that long?
Did you know him before the medication? How do you know if you're sexually compatible or not?
If you hadn't had a chance to get over the honeymoon stage and in to a realistic rhythm together as a couple, before the medication, you may not know.

willsa · 21/07/2020 23:16

Even IF he did fake it ( it is possible for a man to orgasm without ejaculation) why on earth would you feel the need to mention it?! How very bizarre.
If a man would ever point out to me that I had "obviously faked" and then would want to have a conversation based around that... Well. It would be a huge red flag. Or a nail in the coffin.

If you're not satisfied with what you're getting out of your sexual relationship, then that's another story. He can either do what's possible to sort it or both of you come to terms with mutual incompatibility.

Original poster

disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 23:25

I haven't mentioned anything at all to him and I probably won't. It's the first time it happened and I was a bit confused by it all.

I certainly don't expect him to be the one that is responsible for my satisfaction. However it is always at the back of my mind that I'm not good enough and it's me that is the problem. And that's my problem not his.

We've been together almost three years and lived together almost a year. Before we lived together we only got to see each other every few weeks which obviously meant we slept together when we saw each other. But it seems now we live together nothing much has changed on that front. That's what worries me but I make allowances for the ADs and understand it's an issue. I naively thought things would be different living together.

OP posts:

Original poster

disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 23:27

Pressed send to quickly.

I'd also like to add on social media he follows all these women that are the opposite of me and I don't tick those boxes which adds to my insecurities.

Again I've spoken about this to him but it doesn't make me feel any better.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 21/07/2020 23:31

Does he watch a lot of porn or talk about preferences about other women?

Original poster

disneyisnaff · 21/07/2020 23:37

I don't know about the porn watching. At the minute he wouldn't have the time or space to I don't think. He doesn't really talk about other preferences to women to me. But I know what he likes and I don't see myself that way.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 22/07/2020 00:05

I know my partner will notice other women who walk by, but I catch his attention more and it's me he wants to have sex with. It sounds like you don't feel desirable to your BF.

Maybe this is the real issue, you sense he is saying the right things but not feeling them?

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2020 00:23

How old are the pair of you ?

Sillymee · 22/07/2020 00:54

If he doesn’t want sex as much as you do, could you suggest like if you want sex and he doesn’t, That he just plays with you.. then few days later if you want it and he doesn’t he could
Move to oral sex.. then few days later when you want sex surely be then he’s teased himself enough to really want it and built enough sexual tension.. just a thought! Could save any awkward
Conversations about him faking it and your could say you read it online about how to deal if your sex drives don’t match! There’s no harm in asking xx

RantyAnty · 22/07/2020 01:07

Is he willing to go to the GP?

It could be a porn addiction.

Bouledeneige · 22/07/2020 01:09

Well I'm older - in my 50s - and have come across this issue a few times since dating again in my 40s. Two were to do with anti-depressants and both who I had relationships were very much into sex and enjoyed me and themselves. Actually almost too much to the extent it became too big a focus of the relationship.

I think we are programmed to think men always cum but thats simply not true all the time. And certainly women are very used to not orgasming all the time and many fake it.

However, if I'm really, really honest, for me, long term it wasn't as much fun. Sorry guys!

popsydoodle4444 · 22/07/2020 01:12

Not being able to ejaculate is a common side effect of the group of antidepressants known as SSRI's.

You learn to live with it and find ways around it.

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/07/2020 14:25

I get so tired of the posters who want to blame any DH who doesn't want sex as much as his wife, including the classic- is he addicted to porn.
The OP has said that there sex drives are mismatched and that he is on antidepressants but who cares - for some, they would not be able to blame him so off we go on some made up reasoning.
I dont like sex as much my DH, does this signal I am addicted to porn? Or is that for certain genders?

To the OP - the real question is do you enjoy the sex you are having.
I can enjoy sex without having an O and I would find it very controlling if my DH fell into a strop because I didn't.
You should chat about how you can it more enjoyable for both of you and stop demanding that he enjoys as you want him to.
Also if you want him to instigate more you need to discuss thiss and tell how you feel when he doesnt.

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