Do I leave or not? Advice please.

[Blackcatfan1]

I'm looking for some advice. I have been with my DP for 7 years, no kids and not married. I'd say the relationship is 'ok'.. the first 3/4 years were great, but we have slipped into a routine, which I know most relationships do, but I think we are in a rut that we won't ever get out of. I don't fancy him anymore, at least not much. We don't have anywhere near as much sex as I'd like - once every couple of weeks. Always the same way and he isnt interested in pleasing me at all.

Other things get to me, like he's very messy and untidy, looks at his phone all day every day and we hardly ever have a conversation. Some days all we do is snap at each other. I feel bad for saying anything that might interrupt his phone watching time. It's my fault if there's nothing interesting on TV.

I am craving sex and conversation. I've thought about leaving and have been saving for the last couple of years.

I viewed a flat last month and I'm in love with it. But I'm too scared to make the move. We have a cat together and I adore her, I don't want to leave her. I need to make a decision on the flat today (rented) or I think it will be given to another tenant.

In some respects things are ok, we muddle along alright, we share the housework and go away on holidays (usually we end up arguing though) I don't know why I don't deserve better

I have a job I really like. And I have enough money saved to pay the rent for the first 6 months so I don't have to worry too much about money. I'm just scared. I feel like if I don't go for it now, another flat like this won't come along again.

I'm also lonely. I don't have many friends in general and hardly any family. I turned 36 yesterday. I don't want to have children.

I'm comfortable with him but I feel so lonely and like there are things missing that I want so much

Help please x

I'm also worried that if I leave he'll be devastated. I don't want to upset him.

Happy Birthday for yesterday - give yourself a wonderful birthday present and take the flat. You're just setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and can't you take the cat?

So you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life so you don't upset him? Why is his happiness (and to be honest he sounds bloodu miserable too) more important than yours?

Lonely, shite sex infrequently, no conversation, none stop snapping - is this really how you want to live?

You'd have more time and energy to make friends (if that's what you want) if you weren't stuck at home with him being lonely and miserable!

New home, new life. Take the cat. He sounds too lazy to want to keep it anyway.

Take the flat, OP. You have permission to put yourself first.

I think you would be right to go. There's not much to the relationship.

I can't take the cat as technically she is his. But i am able to have a pet so maybe I could get myself a cat. Or maybe I could visit her. Feels like a huge decision I need to make.

Go for it! You only have one life OP.

When I was deciding whether to leave my awful exh it helped to imagine how I'd feel at 40/50/60 if I was still with him.

The thought of wasting my only life with someone I didn't love kept pushing me on.

Go for the flat & put yourself first. It's certainly the best thing I ever did!

Take the flat.

Make this pour birthday present to yourself - to stop compromising your happiness for other people.

Get a new cat. Coming back to sit I awkward silence for an hour whilst you pet the cat isn't healthy.

This is not a decision anyone can make for you.

Bold moves are scary. Life is full of uncertainties. The phrase "I'll Handle It" from the book "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway" is one that I find helpful - so answering all the "what if" questions that you ask yourself before doing something scary with "I'll Handle It".

I suppose what you need to ask yourself is whether you are happy to settle for this life. My experience is that people only change if they want to change. It doesn't sound as though your partner is as invested in trying to improve the situation as you are. You can't control his actions. Only your own.

Is staying with your partner because you're worried about hurting his feelings a good enough reason to stay? Does your partner's right to happiness trump yours? If so, why?

What do you want - deep down? Do you want to be with this person? Do you want a fresh start? It sounds like something needs to change for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide

OP the alternative is this for the rest of your life - a disengaged bloke who's selfish in bed and has nothing to talk about. He has a better relationship with his phone than he does with you.

Imagine the future and what is in store for you - your hands touch as you reach for Satre's Being and Nothingness at the local library, the last copy. He's tall and slim, dark hair and brown eyes, ruffled thick hair, slight stubble. Your eyes meet and your fingers touch. He has a cat called Heidegger and cooks a great roast dinner.

The possibilities are endless. Off you go.

You shouldn't have to worry that he will be upset. If you had children together then of course the situation would be different. But he's an adult. Think of it more like you're doing him a favour - you're giving him an opportunity to be with somebody that he connects better with. The longer you stay with him out of worry for his feelings, the harder it will be for him, or you, to meet somebody else if you wanted to.

It sounds like you have a beautiful opportunity ahead of you! Grab it and go for it. It's exciting! I hope you find happiness

What advice would you give a friend or a daughter who told you this? It seems absolutely mad to me you are considering staying for a cat! You are worth SO MUCH MORE.
You are young, you have money, no children or house to tie you down, it's easy. RUN. You will be happier I can guarantee it.
Good luck, you can do this, you have us all behind you. Take the flat and get the fuck out of there ❤️

It’s your decision. If he is hurt, that is something he has to deal with. What he shouldn’t have to deal with is being left in the lurch. If you are going to move out in the near future are you able to sort out whatever ongoing commitments you have ?

Oh, by the way. Before I had children, I was with an ex who was awful to me. I would cry sometimes to my best friend and tell her how unhappy I was. She would say 'you don't have kids, why are you staying'. And I'd get frustrated thinking kids don't dictate whether you can leave a relationship or not.

Now I have kids, and I can see exactly what she was saying. It's not that it would have been easy emotionally. It's that when kids are involved, it's next to impossible to leave somebody and never have to see them again. Your life will always revolve around that person.

So that's what makes your situation better take some lovely pictures of the cat. Then get a kitten of your own to signify the start of your new life

Get that flat, OP - get it right now.

What I'd do about the cat ... I'd take it, and give it back immediately if he wanted it back - but maybe he won't.

If you don't go now then when,a year,2.
You know what you have now is not working and it can be more lonely with someone someone who doesn't care about or respect you than on your own.

I’m sure my ex felt some kind of way when I left, and I really liked his cat, but neither was enough to throw my life away on.

I deserve love and respect (& fun!) and so do you.

Even if we get many, many lives, surely making this one the best we can is a good move.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would take up this new tenancy on the flat and live on your own with the cat.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? I would consider this as well as getting yourself some counselling going forward. Work out as well why you have not thought to date that you are worth more; does family attitudes play a part here?. It may well do.

There’s a book called To Good to leave yo bad to stay that has a series of questions you can ask yourself with guidance. Definitely worth looking through.
This site gives a summary:

www.samuelthomasdavies.com/book-summaries/self-help/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay/

E.g.

Diagnostic question #1. Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

Guideline #1. If, when your relationship was at its “best,” things between you didn’t feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you’ll feel you’ve discovered what’s right for you if you choose to leave. Quick take: If it never was very good, it’ll never be very good.

“You can often fix what was broken, but you can rarely fix what never worked in the first place.”

Diagnostic question #3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?

Guidelines #3. If you’ve actually made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes your partner, then on some level you’ve already decided that you’ll be happier if you leave your relationship. Most people who’ve done this are not happy when they stay. It’s as if you’d already advised yourself to leave. Quick take: If you look like you’re leaving your relationship and act like you’re leaving it, you’re leaving it. You know best.

Thanks for the advice. I don't have to move in straight away, I'll move things in over a few weeks and then go. Probably the hardest thing is telling him, and leaving the cat obviously.
When he's around I feel slightly anxious constantly, I like him but it's like we are friends. He's very lazy, he works long hours and I understand that but in the sense of having respect for me, he's lazy.. if that makes sense
He's also horrible to his parents.
I'm happiest when he's away with work for a few nights and I'm alone and I guess that tells me everything.

I'm scared I won't meet anyone else. I just want to fall in love again, in the future. With all that entails, including sex. 😔 I stupidly ended up flirting with someone I work with (he started it and pushed it despite me telling him I had a boyfriend) nothing happened, it was just a bit of flirting and chat but he started off very sweet and turned into quite a nasty person. It hasn't given me much hope. And I know I shouldn't have done it. I do feel very guilty for it.

You've been saving up to leave for a few years. This tells you everything.

I'm just so scared. Scared of being lonely. Even though I quite like being alone. I've just got so used to 'us'. Can't imagine life without him in some respects, but also can't imagine growing old with him and cleaning up after him and putting up with his moods forever more.

There is no point staying with someone that you don't even really fancy any more. It sounds like he puts no effort into the relationship, you already resent him, it will only get worse.

Don't tie yourself to this.