Do I leave or not? Advice please.

[Blackcatfan1]

I'm looking for some advice. I have been with my DP for 7 years, no kids and not married. I'd say the relationship is 'ok'.. the first 3/4 years were great, but we have slipped into a routine, which I know most relationships do, but I think we are in a rut that we won't ever get out of. I don't fancy him anymore, at least not much. We don't have anywhere near as much sex as I'd like - once every couple of weeks. Always the same way and he isnt interested in pleasing me at all.

Other things get to me, like he's very messy and untidy, looks at his phone all day every day and we hardly ever have a conversation. Some days all we do is snap at each other. I feel bad for saying anything that might interrupt his phone watching time. It's my fault if there's nothing interesting on TV.

I am craving sex and conversation. I've thought about leaving and have been saving for the last couple of years.

I viewed a flat last month and I'm in love with it. But I'm too scared to make the move. We have a cat together and I adore her, I don't want to leave her. I need to make a decision on the flat today (rented) or I think it will be given to another tenant.

In some respects things are ok, we muddle along alright, we share the housework and go away on holidays (usually we end up arguing though) I don't know why I don't deserve better

I have a job I really like. And I have enough money saved to pay the rent for the first 6 months so I don't have to worry too much about money. I'm just scared. I feel like if I don't go for it now, another flat like this won't come along again.

I'm also lonely. I don't have many friends in general and hardly any family. I turned 36 yesterday. I don't want to have children.

I'm comfortable with him but I feel so lonely and like there are things missing that I want so much

Help please x

What is it about being with someone else that you'd like? Is it stuff you're getting out of your relationship at the moment?

Whether or not you meet someone else is besides the point really. Are you happy now?

Having time being single and being happy in your own company could be really beneficial for you and give you some confidence.

It's one thing to be with someone that you really want to be with. Being with someone for the sake of it though?

"I'm just so scared. Scared of being lonely. Even though I quite like being alone. I've just got so used to 'us'. Can't imagine life without him in some respects, but also can't imagine growing old with him and cleaning up after him and putting up with his moods forever more."

Actually, if this is how you feel about your partner you should be more scared about what your life will look like if you stay put. Life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot at it. You're 36. You could live another 50-60 years. Do you want to be looking back at 46/56/66/76 etc (you get the picture), slowly realising that, from a fear of loneliness you have wasted all life's romantic potential by staying in an unhappy relationship? Far better to be gloriously single than with the wrong partner. You may well feel less lonely single than with this man.

Oh OP this was me last year. I was angst ridden for months and months. I stayed with a friend for a few months, separated from DP while we tried to work things out, see if it was salvageable. Seems like you have made your mind up, and I can completely understand your hesitation. You're going to have to sit DP down and tell him all your feelings. Its going to be hard, it's going to be sad, but the alternative is to waste your life, waste his life and spiral deeper into despair and resentment.

Go for it, you might never look back, you might reconcile with DP after a year, but there's only one way to find out. Go re-find yourself, that's what I'm trying to do at the moment... Not easy in a pandemic, but then.. haha.

Also, I don't advise signing a tenancy on a flat and doing a Shirley Valentine. You're going to have to talk to DP and explain why this is happening.

@Blackcatfan1 OP please tell us you took the flat? ...🤞🏼

Hi.. I didn't take the flat. Fear got the better of me. I called the letting agent the day after I turned it down to see if I could reapply and they said no. Really regret my decision. I also feel awful for letting it all drag out.
I know I'm ready to go now and as soon as I've found somewhere else I'll be going. Just need to be confident in my decision.

That sounds so familiar to me - only l married him and had 2 kids and 16 years down the line i'm trying to muster up the strength to leave. Do it before even more time has run away with u and u have longer to regret. l also have a dog that l know there's no way he'd let me and the kids have her, and not that it'll be a replacement but we'll get another dog. u deserve better -WE deserve better. xx