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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I give abusive ex another chance?

50 replies

BlueTide · 20/07/2020 23:01

I’m in the middle of divorce proceedings to EA ex. He has asked for a second chance. I am confused and don’t know what to do, he has admitted his wrongs and apologised, as well as given explanations, he has said he was selfish to put his own feelings before mine, and feels ashamed that he did that. I’ve never heard him talk like this before. He’s not asking to live together, he will give me space and wants me to pause on the proceedings and see if things get better. I swing between feeling sorry for him but also knowing I don’t love him anymore, that his actions and treatment of me have killed any love trust and respect I had, he thinks he can win it back by showing me he is changing. What to do…

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 20/07/2020 23:03

Nope.

Holothane · 20/07/2020 23:03

No no no no, you’ve moved on he’s an abusive man they never change, you’ve got a life live it for you, do you really want to go back to being abused emotionally or physically. Please take note others will agree I hope.

AvoidingRealHumans · 20/07/2020 23:03

Don't do it, keep going forward.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 20/07/2020 23:05

Carry on with the divorce proceedings. You must know abusive men don't just change. They wear whatever mask that will get THEM what THEY want. He doesn't give a crap about you, that's just what they are like, so don't fall for it. He wants control over you and he will say any old crap to get it.

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 23:05

If you don’t love him there’s nothing to consider. Will he really change? Hmm

Purplewithred · 20/07/2020 23:06

No. A) you no longer love him or even like him and b) Why take the risk? He had his chance and he royally blew it. Move on.

ErrmWTAF · 20/07/2020 23:07

Nope. I can guarantee you, he's not changed. More likely he wants you to put a hold on proceedings while he gets his ducks in a row/hides assets, etc.

But, bottom line, you don't love him anymore. Isn't that enough reason to crack on with your freedom?

user1294625849274 · 20/07/2020 23:08

No.

Abuse is about power and control. That is all that's motivating him here: regaining control.

Abusers pull this all the time. Look at the Freedom Programme course.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/07/2020 23:09

What basis is it for a relationship if you don't love the other person, you just feel sorry for them?

He won't have changed. He might think he has, but unless he's been undergoing extensive counselling (and even then it's far far too soon), what has changed? Him saying that he knows he was wrong? Well, he knew he was wrong then too, but he still did it...

luckymagnoliatree · 20/07/2020 23:13

Absolutely not! Continue your divorce proceedings and don't look back! He's not worth it and a leopard never changes his spots! He is just trying to gain back the control he once had over you & he definitely won't be happy that he has lost that and you are moving on.

Stay strong and continue to look forward and move on with your life x

Cloonfaedamoon · 20/07/2020 23:13

Dont do it mine had the same awakening ans promised me how different it would be . It was for about a year and five years on it's exactly the same as it always was if not worse .

MzHz · 20/07/2020 23:19

They all say this

They’re all lying.

He will double down on the abuse and your life will be blighted - possibly shortened as a result.

Hell no. Kick him to the kerb and never ever look back

I did this and my life is transformed!

JammyHands · 20/07/2020 23:25

No.

Original poster
BlueTide · 20/07/2020 23:25

I know I don't love him, and shouldn't stay with him for that reason alone. But he has nerdy convinced me that I will ruin the children's lives because of my own selfish desire to be in a loving relationship. Feeling bad.

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 20/07/2020 23:28

If you have a daughter what would you want her to do if she was in your situation?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 23:28

Don't be daft. You will never destroy your children's lives. His abuse will. He is fucking gaslighting you. Don't allow it.

MzHz · 21/07/2020 02:21

Let me assure you that NOTHING damages kids more than a parent setting a bad example in relationship choices

Being in a loveless relationship means that’s what they learn

Being in an abusive relationship makes it more likely that they will end up in similar.

You need to leave BECAUSE of the kids, to show them what life is supposed to look like when you’re happy so they can model it

Or your dc could end up abuser or abusers

I know it was the fear that seeing my ds become his father that most motivated me to get out and stay out.

Mysa74 · 21/07/2020 02:50

I agree op, you've done the difficult bit. Three reasons to go, the abuse, the children and the fact you deserve to love and be loved in return, not manipulated. Stay strong and keep moving on.

anameIcallmyself · 21/07/2020 03:00

No.

Anordinarymum · 21/07/2020 03:04

It's manipulation. He's relying on your sense of fair play. You have had enough. Don't waiver. Divorce him and move on.

Bunnymumy · 21/07/2020 03:17

How is a desire for a loving relationship 'selfish'?
Teaching your child that staying in abusive relationship with a man is remotely normal, would be selfish.

Abusers are manipulative. They do not change. People who have empathy dont treat other people like shit. Let alone someone they are meant to love. And if they don't have empathy as adults, they are never going to develop it.

Dont let him con you anymore. Continue the divorce. Be free of him. Give your kids a place they can retreat to to be free of him too.

kazzer2867 · 21/07/2020 03:21

HI OP. Just to reiterate what others have said. Please do not give this man a second chance.

Can I suggest you look at the Women's Aid website. They have a support forum there. Survivors’ Forum is a safe, anonymous, space for women (over 18) who have been affected by domestic abuse to share their experiences and support one another.

survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2020 03:21

No.

He's found your boundaries. Again.

Fazz44 · 21/07/2020 03:25

If a guy can act abusive once, he can do it again. From past experience, don't go back to that. You deserve better than a guy that can treat you in that way. Sure there was good times, but the bad outweigh the good here Thanks

katy1213 · 21/07/2020 03:52

You're not going to get a single person on here telling you yes. You don't love him - you don't like or respect him - you don't owe him anything. Let him sort himself out, though I doubt he will - he's not your problem any more. Don't even engage in discussion with him because he'll know all too well how to manipulate you.