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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I give abusive ex another chance?

50 replies

BlueTide · 20/07/2020 23:01

I’m in the middle of divorce proceedings to EA ex. He has asked for a second chance. I am confused and don’t know what to do, he has admitted his wrongs and apologised, as well as given explanations, he has said he was selfish to put his own feelings before mine, and feels ashamed that he did that. I’ve never heard him talk like this before. He’s not asking to live together, he will give me space and wants me to pause on the proceedings and see if things get better. I swing between feeling sorry for him but also knowing I don’t love him anymore, that his actions and treatment of me have killed any love trust and respect I had, he thinks he can win it back by showing me he is changing. What to do…

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 21/07/2020 03:56

He's abusive but it's your fault the children might be upset? Nope, he's just using different words to abuse you and them.
If he'd really changed he would be admitting how he's the one causing all the pain and see the effect of his actions on the children. Not trying to blame you.

FlaskMaster · 21/07/2020 04:08

What the fuck? Do you take a shit and think about fishing it out of the bog and shoving it back up your arse?! No. Flush that turd away. Seeing their mum in an abusive relationship will NOT help your kids, at all. Get a grip.

Laserbird16 · 21/07/2020 04:11

No. He's still emotionally abusive just he's trying a different tact as the usual tricks aren't working.

'you'll ruin the children's lives' nah, get your tiny violin out and move on

DileenODoubts · 21/07/2020 04:22

If the children’s lives are adversely affected by the split, it’s his fault anyway.
If he’d really changed he’d accept that and be actively trying to make the divorce as stress free and easy as it could be for you and the children and getting therapy to address his past behaviour.
Try to see how he’s laying all the blame and guilt at your door ‘oh forget my actions and their consequences I’ve changed, you and your actions will ruin the kids lives though’

Lozzerbmc · 21/07/2020 07:05

No way, carry on with divorce. You’d be making the biggest mistake of your life. He’s trying to guilt trip you. Do you think you’d be happy with your children living with an abusive father? Abusers get worse not better. He’s just trying to manipulate you. Keep going forward dont look back.

Imagine it was a dear friend asking you this - what would you suggest she do?

MyOwnSummer · 21/07/2020 07:58

What does he stand to lose in a divorce? I'm guessing quite a lot. Money. Housekeeper. Childcare.

The thing about abuse in relationships is that it serves a purpose. The abuser has life set up exactly how they want it because the recipient of the abuse is afraid to assert themselves. In normal loving relationships, both partners have to compromise on things. Funny how he couldn't treat you well when it was detrimental to his interests - he would have had to compromise.

The fact that he can reach this "realization" just at the exact point it serves his selfish interests to do so... read into that what you will. I think that he always knew it was wrong and didn't care.

whattimeisitrightnow · 21/07/2020 10:06

Please, please, please don’t do it. Your children will be better off now that you have shown them abuse in relationships is unacceptable and have taken steps to protect them.

viques · 21/07/2020 10:10

" he has nearly convinced me"

So he hasn't changed his abusive manipulative ways at all has he? What a surprise.

You need to keep repeating two words to yourself.

Leopards. Spots.

Shizzlestix · 21/07/2020 14:16

And he is again abusing you by telling you separating will ruin the children’s lives. Staying with him will more likely ruin their lives, watching you being abused (because he won’t change) and in a loveless marriage.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/07/2020 14:17

You've got children, you shouldn't even consider for a moment taking him back

BumbleBeee69 · 21/07/2020 14:21

So he's already blaming YOU.. for ruining your children's lives for not accepting HIS ABUSE ... charming isn't he...

it's a NOPE from me.. Divorce him..

Llamazoom · 21/07/2020 14:26

No, these men do not ever change however many times they promise to or say sorry. Sorry is a word they use but it has no meaning to them. He is guilt tripping you. I guarantee his mask would slip within 3 months.

Beechview · 21/07/2020 14:27

If you go back, you’ll be regretting it soon. He won’t change no matter what he’s telling you now.

MargotMoon · 21/07/2020 14:28

newtb · 21/07/2020 14:29

Never in a million years

GracieLane · 21/07/2020 14:33

No. But if he's genuine hopefully he'll be a better partner to his next one

Interestedwoman · 21/07/2020 14:35

From the title alone, it's clear this is a Question To Which The Answer Is No.

But he has nerdy convinced me that I will ruin the children's lives because of my own selfish desire to be in a loving relationship.

Have as little conversation with him as possible- just practicalities around fetching the kids etc. If he goes off on a tangent then return the subject to practicalities, and discuss them only when it's strictly necessary. That way he can't mess with you so much.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/07/2020 14:37

No he’ll just abuse you again then start on the kids when they start to get older & want some freedom.

It’s easier to abuse you than go through the process of getting another woman to abuse.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2020 15:10

But he has nerdy convinced me that I will ruin the children's lives because of my own selfish desire to be in a loving relationship. Feeling bad
Soooo... he hasn't changed at all then!
Surely you can see from this statement that he is still trying to manipulate and guilt trip you???
THIS is all you need know.
He really doesn't give a shit about how YOU feel.
So long as you tow the line and let him back.
Carry on with the divorce.
You are NOT being selfish.
You do not want to be with an abuser and you want a happy life yourself with love and respect.
You can tell from this sentence that he doesn't respect you at all.
Please listen to what he is saying.
He DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGS.
You have every right to be in a loving relationship. He is literally telling you that he won't be loving.

You got out - now stay away from the abusive piece of shit!

Ketchup90 · 21/07/2020 15:17

Just say no and see how he reacts ;) think you know the answer to that

NativeAustralian · 21/07/2020 22:20

@FlaskMaster

@FlaskMaster

Dont get hoovered back or here you will be 3,6,9 months down the line. Abusers dont change because intrinsically they feel justified in their actions. " you caused it" after all....I'm sure you've heard that one before. They are master manipulators, remember that.

Borris · 21/07/2020 22:30

No.

jeaux90 · 21/07/2020 23:17

No. What you are doing is setting clear boundaries and expectations for you and your kids. Why would bringing them up in an abusive unhappy house be better? Just no.

Weenurse · 21/07/2020 23:40

summerrose11 · 21/07/2020 23:43

He's hoovering you. Look it up. Tactic of abusive person

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