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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Get my ducks in a row'- what does that even mean

29 replies

DesparadoNewlywed · 20/07/2020 11:53

As name suggests... newlywed (2020) with a newborn (a few months old). Looks like I bit off more than I can chew with this one guys but I'm happy to admit failure - I'm ready to give up.BlushContemplating walking away for the sake of my health (mental, sexual, emotional, financial - basically everything 'al). Truly heartbroken but preferring to think with my head rather than my heart so going to soldier on!

Accomodation - We each have a property from before being married, we are both currently living in mine since lockdown - surely this would be non contested as I'm happy to keep what's mine as mine and don't care for his and he hates my property so doubt he would want to go after it.

CM - Based on HMRC calculations looks like i would get over 500 for child maintenance. Is this supposed to be for childcare costs i.e. childminder or nursery? How about other costs required for raising the child i.e. food, clothing, shelter etc. Because living in London means that amount will barely cover half the childcare let alone the other costs involved. Either way looks like I'll have to get off my maternity leave earlier than anticipated regardless - if I choose to make this leap now. Or I could wait until later when the dust settles and I'm in a better financial position I.e. when I'm fully back at work.

Evidence - I have taken some pictures as evidence of what would constitute 'unreasonable behaviour' and will continue to do so.

Anything else to be aware of?
Plus how long does the divorce process take so I can start my countdown to freedom.
Do the free lawyer consultations actually help/ provide any useful advice or is it just generic information providing a sample of the services on offer.

Head's all over the place trying to take it slowly, one step at a time.

Thanks for taking the time to read this !Smile

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 20/07/2020 12:20

Sorry you are having to deal with this, but sounds like you are taking positive steps.

CMS - this is based on non -resident parent income with a deduction for number of overnights. As you have a newborn, the recommendation is for short, frequent contact with the non-resident parent building upto to overnights eventually. The CMS calculation isn't based on any actual costs information, so not linked to childcare costs. It also isn't backdated, so you need to put in a claim as soon as possible.

Find out you would be entitled to any other support as a single parent here. www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/separating/

Unreasonable behaviour doesn't affect your settlement but as a very short marriage it would seem sensible to each retain your prior properties. Can you get him to move out now?

You only need a few things which are unreasonable and solicitors often advise to go for something relatively uncontroversial and not the "worst", as things tend to work smoother. So you don't need to keep hurting yourself by looking for more evidence IFYSWIM.

Divorce process can be a few weeks if nothing is contested. Negotiating the financials/child arrangements is what takes the time.

DropOfffArtiste · 20/07/2020 12:21

This is pretty clear on the process www.gov.uk/divorce

I hope you have real life support to turn to, sounds like you've had a very tough time.

Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 20/07/2020 12:43

Thanks for the responses, I will look into these and also make that free consultation.

Yeah I'm having a pretty rough time which is made worse by the fact that he's great at pretending like he's the world's greatest father and husband. I'm tired of being an investigator. I just want to rest and enjoy some peace and quiet with my newborn.

Getting support is quite tough at the mo as I haven't disclosed this to anyone else apart from my mother who insists I keep my marriage (even though its killing me inside). My best friend doesnt even know. I'm worried about people's judgements. I guess I will consider sharing with them once I'm more comfortable with what the next steps are.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 20/07/2020 13:04

Can you ask him to move out? I'm guessing from what you've said that he is cheating?

DropOfffArtiste · 25/07/2020 07:35

How are you doing @OP?

category12 · 25/07/2020 08:41

I wouldn't wait as if all this is going on, it will erode your mental health. You don't have to file for divorce straight away, but I'd certainly end the relationship and have him move out.

If there's not much to contest, divorce can be pretty quick. I think mine was done and dusted within 3-4 months. You have to wait 40days+1 between nisi and absolute, if I recall correctly.

Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 09:06

@DropOfffArtiste

Can you ask him to move out? I'm guessing from what you've said that he is cheating?
I believe there may be s*x worker chatting involved which may explain where his money goes and he's always demanding money from me. I honestly don't know how to ask him to move out. As we have a newborn, his employer has permitted him to work from home indefinitely. He's an emotionally/ verbally abusive, a gaslighting extraordinaire selfish narc and the thought of this luxurious situation (where he sits on his pc all day until the early hours playing video games, chatting away without helping out in the home - even asking for the bins to be taken out is a massive ask) i can't even imagine how his reaction will be. Confused
OP posts:
category12 · 25/07/2020 09:11

How about suggesting you both move into his, if he hates your place so much? And when you've got him back there, flee back to your own, end the relationship and if he attempts to get into yours, call the cops?

category12 · 25/07/2020 09:13

Speak with Women's Aid.

Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 09:27

@DropOfffArtiste

How are you doing *@OP*?
I'm numb...thanks for asking. I have no more energy to devote to this marriage. I've asked him several times to come clean but he looks at me baffled and how I've always been insecure and need to trust more. I will never disclose the evidence i have to him, worried about the reaction hence why I'm asking him to come clean instead.

As this circumstance is a deal breaker for me, I don't see how we can move on from this even if he did confess. I know the abuse I face daily is wrong and that should have been enough for me to end it but when words are twisted in a certain way you start to believe maybe you ARE the one to blame. Non physical abuse is difficult to argue for with a bully without being dragged into yet another yelling match were you will leave it absolutely drained. I've since realised that I haven't laughed for a long time. Each day is a misery. I dont want to carry this on. He thinks its normal. I know how bubbly, friendly and enthusiastic I was. I'm just a shell of a person now and I think that's exactly how his controlling personality wants me as. sigh Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 09:39

@category12

I wouldn't wait as if all this is going on, it will erode your mental health. You don't have to file for divorce straight away, but I'd certainly end the relationship and have him move out.

If there's not much to contest, divorce can be pretty quick. I think mine was done and dusted within 3-4 months. You have to wait 40days+1 between nisi and absolute, if I recall correctly.

Thanks @category12 ...my mental health was already destroyed before finding out and now I'm just a walking zombie.

But the government website link says you can't file for divorce within 1 year of marriage and on top of that you must be separated for 2 years. And I'm guessing because there's a child involved this will not be as straightforward and may potentially involve going in front of a judge. Gosh this could go on forever. were kids involved in your divorce? as that's the fastest I've heard it completed within.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 25/07/2020 09:43

So sorry you are having to deal with all this. It sounds as though your life will be 100% better without him in it.

The good news is that you have realised relatively early on in this situation how damaging it can be.

When you say scared of his reaction, do you mean he will physically hurt you? As you are currently in your property, can you have a friend with you when you ask him to move out or is that too dangerous?

You don't need to explain, confront him with evidence or persuade him that you want to end the relationship.

I second the suggestion to call Women's Aid if you can do so safely and they will help you with an exit plan.

tribpot · 25/07/2020 09:44

Okay. You badly need to confide in someone who isn't invested in the 'social shame' of a marriage failing after such a short time. Your mum's attitude is appalling and unhelpful. I would confide in your best friend right away.

As you were married in 2020, you aren't able to file for divorce yet. Per the gov.uk website you must be married for 1 year.

You can consult with a solicitor, I would think that for such a short marriage it would be reasonable for both sides to say they just want the assets they took into the marriage returned to them? But your child needs to be provided for in the split as well.

Getting him out of the house and protecting your existing money sound like the two top priorities. It sounds like there is little chance he will leave quietly, even thought he hates your house? Have you asked him to leave? You can report him to the police for coercive control. It sounds like you are going to need their help to get him out and keep him out.

Can you put your money out of his reach? Is there anyone you would trust to look after it for you, so you can tell him that you can't give him money because someone else is looking after it to make sure it will last out your maternity leave.

DropOfffArtiste · 25/07/2020 09:46

I thought they'd removed the minimum one year thing. Anyway it seems like you would have plenty of grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

You can still insist he moves out in the meantime.

category12 · 25/07/2020 09:51

We had nothing to argue over, no assets, and he didn't contest anything. We sorted child residency/access amicably. Hence the speed.

Are you sure that's correct that you have to separate for two years on top? Isn't that only if you're using separation as the reason to divorce? If you're citing unreasonable behaviour, you wouldn't need to wait?

And while you can't divorce within a year, you do not have to stay together for that year, you can separate right now.

Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 09:53

@category12

How about suggesting you both move into his, if he hates your place so much? And when you've got him back there, flee back to your own, end the relationship and if he attempts to get into yours, call the cops?
@category12 That sounds like such a good idea but unfortunately he has tenants at his. Re calling the police, if only I had the guts to do so. I guess I just worry about the repercussions.
OP posts:
category12 · 25/07/2020 09:54

And if you stay together for 6 months after infidelity or the last unreasonable incident, it's not accepted as a reason to divorce. (That doesn't apply if you separate, tho).

Weenurse · 25/07/2020 09:56

if you are wanting him to admit cheating to make it easier for you to ask him to leave, don’t wait.
Just tell him you have re evaluated your life, and he does not add to it, but creates more work.
Then ask him to leave.
If you are frightened he will kick off, go to the police first, they will help.
Good luck

category12 · 25/07/2020 10:03

You really would benefit from speaking with Women's Aid and getting some real life support.

Bemorechicken · 25/07/2020 10:06

You can not get a divorce within a year -but you most certainly do not need to wait 2 years after the year. I divorced mine with a newborn after I had been married for 1 year and 17 days. Unreasonable behaviour. I had stacks of evidence. It depends what evidence you have. Photos can be staged etc I had apology letters from him etc

My ex was forced to pay me 80% of all assets. He was also forced to pay 50% of nursery costs and CMS on top.

Ducks in row -copy every single document. I had keys to our other house (his house), changed the locks to mine. I had every bank statement, cheque book, passport etc in the boot of my car .As I knew he was losing it.

He hit me, I called the police -game over. Done. Call the police. Change the locks -tell him to "fuck off" nicely. Ie text we can no longer live together as you have done this and this. I have changed the locks and am giving you notice that we are now separated and I am going to divorce you on the ground of this, this and this. My solicitor is Mrs XY and all contact can now go to her. If you turn up at my house - I will phone the police.

In your case, I would tell my friends. I would wait for him to go out and change the locks -arrange for my friends to be there. Record him if he threatens you and have CCTV set up. I would pack his stuff up. Explain to the police it is MY house and that he has his own house.

So in short -buy a ring doorbell. Set it up. Ask him or a friend or someone to invite him out at 3pm. Have a locksmith ready at 3.30pm -explain the situation. Have your friends there at 3.15pm -change locks -all of them -secure the property. Have your friends /family stay. Pack up his stuff. Put on doorstep. Phone police if he kicks off.

Bemorechicken · 25/07/2020 10:08

I worried too about the police and they weren't great to be honest. One even suggested I let him in "for a chat" -I just kept saying -he has my soliciitor details. But my friends were fab. Get a friend to stay for a week -just say it is over by text. Once you have him out of the house and friends around. He would be stupid to do anything.

Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 10:26

@DropOfffArtiste

So sorry you are having to deal with all this. It sounds as though your life will be 100% better without him in it.

The good news is that you have realised relatively early on in this situation how damaging it can be.

When you say scared of his reaction, do you mean he will physically hurt you? As you are currently in your property, can you have a friend with you when you ask him to move out or is that too dangerous?

You don't need to explain, confront him with evidence or persuade him that you want to end the relationship.

I second the suggestion to call Women's Aid if you can do so safely and they will help you with an exit plan.

Thats so true, I didn't think of that...i don't have to give him a reason to end the relationship. Thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
DesparadoNewlywed · 25/07/2020 10:58

@tribpot

Okay. You badly need to confide in someone who isn't invested in the 'social shame' of a marriage failing after such a short time. Your mum's attitude is appalling and unhelpful. I would confide in your best friend right away.

As you were married in 2020, you aren't able to file for divorce yet. Per the gov.uk website you must be married for 1 year.

You can consult with a solicitor, I would think that for such a short marriage it would be reasonable for both sides to say they just want the assets they took into the marriage returned to them? But your child needs to be provided for in the split as well.

Getting him out of the house and protecting your existing money sound like the two top priorities. It sounds like there is little chance he will leave quietly, even thought he hates your house? Have you asked him to leave? You can report him to the police for coercive control. It sounds like you are going to need their help to get him out and keep him out.

Can you put your money out of his reach? Is there anyone you would trust to look after it for you, so you can tell him that you can't give him money because someone else is looking after it to make sure it will last out your maternity leave.

Luckily my mother is now in full support of me leaving him...just a matter of how. My maternity leave money is in a completely separate savings account so is safe and we don't have a joint account. @tribpot thank you for the link. I'm glad I can finally put a title to it coercive control ...and that's been my life for the last few months day in day out! I will consult with a lawyer on Monday. Thank you
OP posts:
Weenurse · 26/07/2020 01:02

Good luck with the lawyer

FifteenToes · 26/07/2020 01:12

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