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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone explain to me why i get so pissed off when Dh suddenly decides that he is going to the gym.

33 replies

barefeete · 29/09/2007 17:38

Sounds so petty but 3 times a week Dh will suddenly decide that he needs to go to the gym which takes about 2 hours. He doesn't plan it in and so kind of just announces it. He is quite good at doing it during nap times but that just leaves me doing my normal daily stuff day in day out whilst he gets to lead a VERY different life to me. He never stays in the house during the main lunchtime nap time and always frigging buggers off.

For some reason this just annoys me alot. Not sure if it is because he just decides suddenly regardless of what i am doing or that i am jealous that he can do that and i never have the opportunity to do anything different. My life is such a routine dictated to by naps, meal times , bottle feed times etc etc.

Anyone else feel like this or have done and how do i get over it and gain a sense of proportion. FFS he's only going to the gym for an hour - it's not that bad - but honestly to me it feels REALLY annoying.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2007 17:40

Just ask him to plan it in advance and negotiate with you

when you are a parent you can't just disappear off whenever you feel like it

all trips out need to be agreed with the other parent, otherwise you may both have planned something at the same time

this is a ground rule in our house

you should also get yourself out and do something you like - gym or cafe or meet friends or just window shopping

policywonk · 29/09/2007 17:41

Why can't you have an equivalent amount of time out of the house? Why are you 'tied down' by naps and bottles - these are things that he can oversee while you go out, surely?

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:41

Yes, I can relate to this.

Could it be because he just 'does' it? that he doesn't ask you or consider you?
Ask yourself this, if he actually asked you if you minded that he go, what would your answer be? Would it bother you so much if he took you into consideration?

policywonk · 29/09/2007 17:42

I go to the gym regularly, but always in the evenings when DSs are already in bed, or early in the mornings, with DP's agreement.

tribpot · 29/09/2007 17:43

You need to beat him out of the door one nap time and see how he likes it.

Skribble · 29/09/2007 17:44

H did this all the time but went for a run, no warning would just appear in trackies fill his water bottle and leave, takes about 1hr in total.

He is now ex, still in house but soon to leave, I stayed in bed this morning as I thought he was taking the ids out so stayed out of the way until they all had showers and got organised...... I discovered DD in the shower and he had gone out for a run, never even bothered to give me a shout .

My advice get it sorted out now or it will fester.

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:44

LOL tribpot!

if he's anything like my dp he probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. he wouldn't have recognised there was an issue.

MrsSeanSlater · 29/09/2007 17:45

I think you're jealous of his spontaneity but understandably so. I would be too.
Us mums never get to just get up and announce 'I'm off'. It always takes planning.
He should show some consideration for you by maybe taking it in turns to do something spontaneous during nap times.

Bouquets · 29/09/2007 17:48

Get a family organiser calendar (week to view, column for each family member inc kids.) Make it an unshakeable law that if he wants to go out, he has to call you and book it in on the calendar. And if it aint in the calendar, it aint happening. Works on my DH who decided to join a band and be out 2/3 times a week as soon as baby no2 arrived (20m age gap.)

Are you a gym member too? You could go out for a steam/sauna or something of an evening.

tribpot · 29/09/2007 17:50

That's the point, though, TimeForMe. The OP should be just as free to announce "I'm off to the gym" at a moment's notice as her dh. As she's bottle feeding, there is literally no reason why she can't go the gym every other day, surely? (I'm quite prepared to imagine she doesn't want to go and leave the baby every other day but it's only reasonable to imagine she would like to do something other than nap-bottle-nappy-play-chores every single day!)

Bouquets · 29/09/2007 17:52

Oh and Timeforme is right, you need to be explicit about your feelings and what he can do to stop you feeling bad. Men will just assume everything is rosy (maybe a background hum of ignorable nagging) unless you tell them they are making you feel bad.

Elizabetth · 29/09/2007 17:52

You're both responsible for your children but he's acting as if it's only down to you so he gets to go out and play whilst you are stuck at home.

You could either announce that you are going to the gym yourself and leave him with the baby/babies or every time he does it take the kid(s) out so he comes home to an empty house. Either that or arrange that you have at least as much free time as him.

MrsSeanSlater · 29/09/2007 17:53

What about if DH gets Monday, Wednesday and Friday nap times to do 'his own thing' and you get Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Sundays no-one goes off on their own. Then even if you don't do anything much on yours you'll know the opportunity is there if you want it, and you'll also know when dh will be disappearing.

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:54

Yes Tribpot I agree with you. I meant that after all the time I had spent stewing then made my grand announcement that I was going out, my DP would just go "ok" he wouldn't mind at all.

Have you told your dh how his action make you feel barefeete? He might genuinely not realise there is a problem.

Original poster

barefeete · 29/09/2007 18:36

thanks so much to everyone. It's nice to know i'm not a loony for feeling like this. like the calender idea. Also think i will beat him out of the house just to see how he likes it.

i have told him before but he took it as though i was saying i didn't want him to go and it's not that at all. I can never seem to get my opinion across without him thinking i am nagging which is another issue really. I have asked him to have a chat about it but he always thinks i am "teling him off" (his words) that really F**Ks me off as i can't bring up anything that without him being childish and not listening. I have written a letter in the past and this helps to get my point across but then the same issues come up again.

He is a lawyer so has a frigging answer for everything and i always come up with my best responce 3 weeks later iyswim

OP posts:

thegardener · 29/09/2007 19:07

It's nice to have some me time and also couple time when the baby is asleep.

Could you ask your dh to help out with gardening instead of him going off to the gym every now and again, dh & i love spending time doing this, it's good just top get some fresh air.

Bouquets · 29/09/2007 19:17

Get a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' off Ebay, it's got some great tips on communicating with the opposite sex.
I've still not managed to get DH to read it but that's fine because it means I can manipulate him without him even knowing!

ladymuck · 29/09/2007 19:25

This is more about you feeling tied down (and that your dh isn't equally tied down). In reality if you are both around during naps times then you're no more tied down than your dh (and you've probbaly got a lot more scope for freedom than many others on here!).

Given that he is around so much (does he work from home?), then is there a reason as to why you couldn't go for a walk or out shopping at lunchtime? I think that it would be petty for you to conjure up reasons to do so just to make a point, but actually it is fairly crucial that you do get some time for yourself (and ime it can get harder as they grow older and have fewer or no naps!). Have a think about what activity would make the most difference to your well-being (thinking of mental, social, physical, spiritual aspects of life) and then look at how you can fit it in. It could be something physical such as a run, or simply be reading a book, watching a dvd, doing some gardening, learn a language, having a friend pop over (or popping to a friends).

If your chosen activity/ie takes you out of the house, then that is the time to negotiate something with your dh. But at present you're at risk of blaming your dh because you feel trapped, and actually you need to take some first steps (by identifying activities that you want to pursue which take you out of your routine).

Original poster

barefeete · 29/09/2007 19:34

Hi Ladymuck, I'm not sure what gave you the impression that he is around alot. He doesn't work from home really and tbh in his defense works very long hours so his relaxation time isn't exactly thriving either. I do think you are right though it is about feeling tied down

I have for a long time been trying to find outside activities but the same problem always comes up - the only time i have for this is a few hours in the evening when DH is home and i am bloody knackered. I have tried to go to the gym then but an too tired and just want to get dinner done and cleared away and also he is mostly at work till 10/11pm so i can't garentee that he will be home on a particular night of the week.

What do you mean by (and you've probbaly got a lot more scope for freedom than many others on here!)?

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 29/09/2007 19:40

Barefeete, I think you are living with my DP! He does the exact same thing (gym or run) and it used to drive me absolutely spare. And when I pulled him up on it, he reacted by saying that I didn't want him to be fit and gorgeous, I wanted him to be slobby and unhappy, how could I be so unkind etc etc. How old is your LO? Mine is 3.6 and I'm back at work, and really do have my own life back, and even get out with my pals once in a while. These days, DP vanishing off to the gym doesn't bother me at all, but when my life consisted of nothing but lactating/nappies/naps/purees it used to make my blood boil.

Bouquets · 29/09/2007 19:43

Do you have a car? I got really into reading when my two were small as I would drive up the motorway for 10mins after lunch, they'd both fall asleep, I'd pull over in a carpark somewhere and read until one woke up. Gave me somewhere to esacpe to.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 29/09/2007 19:43

I used to feel like this quite alot barefeete. I think it was the assumption that I didn't have plans and that I'd be available to mind the kids whilst he was off doing whatever.

I did what some of the others have suggested and made specific plans for me - put them on the calendar and made sure we stuck to them. Find something to get yourself out of the house - even if you go to the gym but just have a coffee and read a magazine.

ladymuck · 29/09/2007 19:47

Sorry I've obviously go the wrong end of the stick - when is he around to go out to the gym then? You mention that he never stays in the house during the main lunchtime time nap which lead me to believe that he was at least in the house in order to go out again?

Is this just am issue at weekends then?

Original poster

barefeete · 29/09/2007 19:51

bluestocking - i get that @don't you want me to be fit and have a gorgeous body' etc etc! I have DS 24 months and DD 6 months. I must admit feel a little better in the last week since stopping BF as now i can get out alot more than before.

I do have a car and might give that a go - although may just do it on a sat when DH is with the kids.

He just got back by the way with flowers so that is a good sign .

OP posts:

Original poster

barefeete · 29/09/2007 19:53

just weekends ladymuck. I suppose i feel that i am here all week doing the routine that on a weekend it would be nice to have the chanse to go out during this time but he always nabs it.

OP posts:

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