Karma

[oralengineer]

DH decided to Facebook friend an ex from over 30 years ago. He did tell me, big mistake because of course I had a nose and wasn’t happy with what I read. This all happened mid lockdown so no face to face contact. Lots of typical staged photos on her Facebook page and I had to agree with DH that she was looking good and is indeed an attractive woman. However this did not prevent my predictable reaction.
Fast forward and after much emotion and inevitable rows I have accepted his apologies and he has not continued the conversation. Unfortunately she is hooked and continues to try and gain his attention.
Anyway with regard to her selfies, to me they were obviously filtered and carefully posed. DH was adamant that she had hardly changed and that I was being bitchy ( no shit Sherlock).
Here’s where karma enters the equation. I am very lucky genetically and have always looked several years younger than my actual years. Ancient ex posted a photo on her timeline today that had not been fine tuned and she was almost unrecognisable, she is actually a few months younger than me but definitely looks 10 yrs older than her actual age. DH doesn’t know I’ve sneaked a look but his demeanour all day has been somewhat deflated. Mine on the other hand has been sky high.
He is not actually that focused on looks but he doesn’t like lies or fake so I don’t think he is over impressed. Just niggling that I can’t tell him I told him so.
I know I’m being a bit juvenile but sometimes it’s the little things that really count.

Why were the inevitable rows because he friended an ex? What did he do wrong?

I think you’ve misunderstood karma and your obsession with this random woman is unhealthy and weird.

Is your marriage okay apart from you starting fights?

U OK HUN?

Their conversation was not friendly but a rekindling. DH admitted that he didn’t intend it to be that way but his feelings got the better of him. First love and rose tinted spectacles are a powerful mixture.
We are/ were happily married and had been enjoying lockdown.
DH is quite principled about infidelity after his last gf cheated on him. Unfortunately he didn’t think what he was doing was cheating, which is where we disagreed.
When your DH tells you his ex is beautiful and he is still physically attracted to her albeit virtually it’s not exactly going to impress you. Her reaction was pretty much like yours so perhaps you know her.

And if you are her stop fucking messaging him!

I agree that it is not Karma but I feel calmer as a result!

How do you know your husband is feeling deflated because of the unfiltered pic of his ex and not something entirely unrelated?

Happily married men don’t suddenly decide to look up their ex of 30 years ago and “rekindle” anything.

She may use filters on her photos and look her age but something made him looking elsewhere in the first place.

I don’t think you’ve won anything by finding an unflattering photo of this woman your husband was enjoying chatting to and calling beautiful.

Well he started the day on top form and it went downhill after he spent time on his phone. We have had a good day but something has unsettled him and it’s not me.

Wow, I think you should seek some help OP. This doesn't seem too healthy.

Have you shared any of this with friends who may be able to give you some perspective?

Op I'm sorry to say but that isn't karma.

And to think that she's on here as a pp is just unhealthy.

Stop messaging him - YOUR dp encouraged her and he is the one to stop it. Your attention for this women is ridiculous.

He didn’t look her up, she appeared on his friends you may know. Since they have absolutely no friends or contacts in common this was not a coincidence. They have had no contact for over 30years and she is not local. She also appeared on my friends you may know not long after. I am not friends with DH on Facebook.
He was curious and as I said was quite open about friending her. I was aware of their “story” so wasn’t really concerned. But his behaviour changed after friending her which did concern me. We are very close and after stressful couple of years (nothing to do with relationship) we have hit a really good period for our relationship. It was very out of the blue and to be honest it has encouraged us to really talk and reconnect ourselves. In a way I am actually grateful to her for refocusing me on what’s important, but I am angry that she thinks she can influence him again after all these years.
PWe have a teenage son who is due to take GCSEs next year and hopefully A levels after. The last thing he needs is his parents at odds so we have been grown ups and shielded him from the impact.
Yes I am aware that happily married men shouldn’t seek out ex’s but having been hit by an out of the blue crush myself a few years back we are not always able to control the chemicals in our brains.
I have seen family members go through separation and divorce and realise that in some cases the regret is life long when done in haste. I also know what true loss is like and divorce is not particularly something that I fear. I have never needed DH financially but love him dearly and I’m not quite ready to leave him. However I have made it clear that he is free to make his own mind up.
We had a number of miscarriages and it looked like we would never be able to have children at which point I suggested that if he really wanted children I was happy for him to leave me because I didn’t want it to destroy our marriage. He has always been my rock and when DH came along he has been a brilliant father.

I think I must be on the wrong mn relationship site tonight.
Why is it always the man who is the predator? Why is it always the sweet little woman who is completely innocent. If after stopping contact the woman posts very DH specific posts for weeks despite no response.
And yes I know it’s not karma. I should have entitled it “smug wife proved right”
Fortunately I have real life support who have actually seen the posts and can’t believe how direct she has been.
I think I’ll call it a night and give up with all you sad keyboard warriors.

Why were you proved right, because she looks older in one photo than the others?

It’s good you’ve got RL support. Your posts are confusing. Hope you’re okay.

Why aren't you friends with your DH on Facebook if you're so close 😕 this post is a strange one

Op So if people don't agree with you we are keyboard warriors?... strange.

For weeks she directed posts to your dp but he wasn't in contact...

Either someone is lying or she wasn't talking about your dp.

Or maybe she new you were nosing 🤣

He is not actually that focused on looks

I beg to differ...

Some men are attracted to older looking women 🤷🏽‍♀️

What?

Husband fiends old school friend on Facebook.

Wife is jealous and insists all photos are photoshopped.

Turns out they are.

Is this about the size of it?

I don't get how we are supposed to be on wife's side

Oral, any other time you would have gotten kinder and wiser reactions, rather than snotty, condescending comments from the cool/mean girls brigade. They don't have to agree with you but the way some have reacted makes me think they may have been the reconnected ex in a similar story. It also occurred to me that comparing your physical appearance to her's may have triggered some projection. It comes across as a little arrogant when you're actually looking for validation and reassurance.

For anyone who thinks the OP is exaggerating, check out the original "Some friendly words" thread by a SmallBoxOfChocolateBunnies. Her marriage ended because her husband got back in touch with an old flame.

You obviously know how FB algorithms work. Sometimes people end up in your "you may know" list because they've been checking you out. It doesn't sound like you'll do the Pick Me dance and your boundaries seem to be strong. Good for you and good luck.

OP, this woman does sound relentless. Why hasn’t he shut her down?

Does that mean you're actively checking her Facebook feed regularly? Struggling to see how you'd have come across that photo otherwise?

Does that mean you're actively checking her Facebook feed regularly? Struggling to see how you'd have come across that photo otherwise?

I'd be thinking the same way as OP, and totally get why. That said, I am single and have had enough of men to last me a lifetime, and probably vice-versa.