Karma

[oralengineer]

DH decided to Facebook friend an ex from over 30 years ago. He did tell me, big mistake because of course I had a nose and wasn’t happy with what I read. This all happened mid lockdown so no face to face contact. Lots of typical staged photos on her Facebook page and I had to agree with DH that she was looking good and is indeed an attractive woman. However this did not prevent my predictable reaction.
Fast forward and after much emotion and inevitable rows I have accepted his apologies and he has not continued the conversation. Unfortunately she is hooked and continues to try and gain his attention.
Anyway with regard to her selfies, to me they were obviously filtered and carefully posed. DH was adamant that she had hardly changed and that I was being bitchy ( no shit Sherlock).
Here’s where karma enters the equation. I am very lucky genetically and have always looked several years younger than my actual years. Ancient ex posted a photo on her timeline today that had not been fine tuned and she was almost unrecognisable, she is actually a few months younger than me but definitely looks 10 yrs older than her actual age. DH doesn’t know I’ve sneaked a look but his demeanour all day has been somewhat deflated. Mine on the other hand has been sky high.
He is not actually that focused on looks but he doesn’t like lies or fake so I don’t think he is over impressed. Just niggling that I can’t tell him I told him so.
I know I’m being a bit juvenile but sometimes it’s the little things that really count.

Surely the issue is your husband though?

He contacted and pursued a relationship with another woman. Just because she used flattering photos doesn't make what he did right.

There's no fool like an old fool, as they say.

If dh crossed the line into flirting, then he needs to block his ex after telling her why. However, as she is still contacting him, he obviously hasn't. She's probably feeling confused. Lots of contact from him, some flirting, then poof nothing. Has he explained to her that a line has been crossed, and he needs to stop contact and make amends to his wife? Cos it doesn't sound like it. He just played her for an ego boost and then ghosted.

I think the whole bitchiness about the ex's looks (enticing OP's poor husband with lying photo filters) and use of social media (and us mn women who've never had a long term relationship and are financially dependent of men we don't love etc etc) is a distraction from the fact that the dh crossed a line and OP is looking to blame everyone and anyone other than him. He should have been capable of not crossing that line regardless of how she looked. But he did.

This is on him, not the faked photos or the constant contact from her. Being angry at her, us and social media is not going to change that. HE friended her, HE didn't resist temptation, HE crossed the line, and now HE is allowing that line of communication to remain open.

Did you miss the bit where her husband was trying to rekindle a relationship with this woman??

Yes, and I still can't find it.

You sound bonkers. Go and have a kitkat or something. Maybe take up knitting.

For a topic that has always been fairly supportive my post seems to have attracted the pedants and the aggressive posters. Perhaps Sunday evening is when the “other” women hit mumsnet.
I have never said that my DH is not at fault. For accuracy I addressed both of them re the issue since it is possible to Messenger people you are not friends with on Facebook if they have not set up their security properly. DH had until recently never posted on FB and has not entered anything but the bare minimum into his profile so she may well have thought he was single. Again he’s not savvy in social media so I doubt he even considered this.
The fact that her reply to my very polite text was pretty vitriolic surprised me. In the same position I would have apologised and blamed him for misleading me. But she didn’t and continued to post stuff on her timeline that only he and I knew related to him.
In her reply to my message she firmly pointed the finger at me and as someone suggested above she was looking to blame everyone but him. I do blame him. He did play her to boost his ego. But that is for us as a couple to work through.
I know nothing about her personal circumstances but it does appear her DH is no longer on the scene so perhaps she too is using the whole episode to boost her ego? Although I certainly wouldn’t be revisiting my past to do this. Ex’s tend to know you too well and spot the signs far too early.
It’s funny when posters on relationships post threads about cheating husbands they are told not to blame themselves for their DH/DP straying. I have recently lost a fair bit of weight which has boosted my confidence no end. DH has been very suspicious of my motives. Maybe his insecurities are down to my weight loss. So for all the weird aggressive posters it’s all my fault, should I have stayed fat and insecure? Or do I carry on loosing weight to reach a healthy BMI and regain my confidence and improve my health?

I'm confused... You do know that posters don't know you, don't you? We don't know that you contacted her and she responded with vitriol.... Because you haven't mentioned that.

We don't know that you've lost weight , and no one suggested that you should or shouldn't change your looks, no one has once said anything like that?

We don't know that your husband is insecure since you lost the weight?

Are you okay?

You’re sounding more and more confusing. Why would you ask for weight loss advice from strangers? You’ve accused people bothering to take the time to respond to you as knowing nothing about relationships, shagging married men and even being your husband’s attractive ex. Then you admit you’re psychopathic. Can you see how you might be coming across?

No one here is judging your finances, career, appearance. They’re picking up on your bizarre communication style, random aggressive accusations and the fact that your marriage may not be as amazing as you think it is if your bloke is trawling Facebook and digitally hooking up with his ex. He’s your issue, not her. What is she to you but a symbol of your husband’s roving eye? I’m not at all sure what you were hoping to gain from this but my sympathy is probably with the other woman, I hope she backs away from the two of you and your dramas for her own sanity.

@feelingfragile

Did you miss the bit where her husband was trying to rekindle a relationship with this woman??

Yes, and I still can't find it.

Their conversation was not friendly but a rekindling. DH admitted that he didn’t intend it to be that way but his feelings got the better of him. First love and rose tinted spectacles are a powerful mixture

Top of second post

Karma will be when your DH decides to leave because of the arguments you start.

DH admitted that he didn’t intend it to be that way but his feelings got the better of him. First love and rose tinted spectacles are a powerful mixture
He's looking to cheat and gave you his explanation for any future emotional affairs.....

He may have been disappointed to realise his ex doesn't look so 'youthful' without photoshop/filter....but even your naturally youthful looks are not enough to stop him from looking elsewhere......

I think you need to face up the fact that your husband is dissatisfied in your marriage and is actively looking for fulfillment elsewhere....crowing over 'getting one over' on another woman isn't going to help you.

This reminds me of the 'Facebook ruined my marriage/life' headlines that used to do the rounds. Websites don't ruin marriages, people do.

It's like blaming Basildon Bond when someone writes your husband a love letter.

I saw that after I posted (but genuinely thank you for pointing it out), I'm still really confused by the whole thing.

There's no real indication (other than this sentence) that anything inappropriate was going on, it just seems (from all the other posts) like the OP is jealous of the woman and is enjoying feeling superior now.

I don't see myself as a 'cool wife' but I know that's a popular phrase on here for people who don't easily get jealous or feel threatened. I just don't get it, I have ex partners as friends and so does my husband, I know he still thinks his ex is very good looking and she is. But I also know that he loves me. I have no concerns at all about it.

That's not karma it's spitefulness

It's like blaming Basildon Bond when someone writes your husband a love letter.

hahaaaa I still use Basildon Bond

**Neither of us had a good track record with regard to fidelity before we got together.
I’m afraid that many of you are correct, I do have psychopath tendencies. It is a prerequisite of my profession.
If you have both had a bad track record previously, it’s really not great is it. You both have form then. Psychopathic tendencies? Can you elaborate further? What profession are you in?
I understand you love your husband, but I agree with previous posters if he was so happy his eye would not stray I’m so sorry to say... I have been in the same situation, so I do know how it feels.

Jeez. You sound bonkers op. What a massive drama over a bit of reminiscing. You're creating all sorts of scenarios in your heads about everyone from mumsnetters (spiteful single women etc) to your DH to his ex. It is normal when you reconnect on social media to chat at the beginning. And you may momentarily think back but it is very unlikely go affect a happy marriage. They are exes for a reason and probably unrecognisable from who they used to be (and I don't mean physically).

OP knows her marital boundaries and what constitutes a breach. These messages were romantic/flirtatious, not platonic. H and Ex were reigniting the emotional flame, and his behavior change was his creating distance to justify and make space for it. Moreover, he was hiding in plain sight, as he knew that OP thought they were chatting strictly as friends. He admitted on discovery that his emotions got carried away. This was infidelity.

OP, if you had not caught on and burst their Memory Lane bubble, the EA could have continued indefinitely. Ex is still pushing for it, so I would expect H to step up, tell her to cool it and why and then block. I would need to know how he portrayed me and the marriage to OW. I would also expect him to work on himself to examine his weak boundaries and sense of entitlement to pursue this illicit relationship at my expense.

You sound bloody nuts!!!!