Housework

[Foreverinpajamas]

As we've been spending more and more time in the house, I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my partner and housework. He means well but he does half a job. He'll wipe the sink and declare the bathroom clean, not bothering with the bath, shower, toilet, floor, etc. Little things like just picking up the empty toilet rolls and putting them in the recycling, even. I either finish the job or we have a semi clean bathroom. He'll do the washing up but leave rings in the mugs, bits of dried up sauce on plates.

I don't think he's doing it on purpose. I think he either doesn't see it or thinks it'll do. I dont think he's purposefully leaving things dirty, he just doesn't see it as dirty?

How can I approach this with him? I've just been going in and finishing, picking up after him, or taking the dirty things from the draining board and doing them again.

He's quite sensitive to criticism. He's not knowingly not doing the job, he thinks he is doing the job. How can I bring it up in a way that isn't patronising?

If I don't bring it up it'll go on forever and it's starting to drive me mad. I don't want to die on this hill but i cringe when i get a mug/plate from the cupboard and it isn't clean!

He's lived with friends and a previous partner before. We're early 30s. Lived together for 2 yrs. Engaged. We also have a lodger who can manage washing dishes but also never does mugs/glasses/pans properly. Had thought the mucky washing up was just down to her but have realised it's him as well.

Am i making a huge thing out of nothing? I want to be able to use crockery from the cupboard without washing it again, and walk into a room he's cleaned without cleaning it again! I honestly don't have high standards, it's the basic stuff.

Really trivial problem but it's driving me mad. What would you do? How do I bring it up without sounding awful?

I think you should bring it up.

Who had been doing all the cleaning before lockdown?

@RantyAnty I've been doing most of the cleaning, he takes out the bins and will hoover if I ask him to. We take turns to cook and whoever didn't cook washes up. I put the dishes away when they've dried and if they're mucky I do them again.

We've recently got a nice new dinner set and I think that's partly why I'm more bothered now than I was before? Was really pleased to get some good quality stuff and it takes a bit of the joy out of using it when it's not been properly cleaned.

It's not the division of labour that I'm bothered about. If I ask him to do something he'll do it and sometimes he'll do it without being asked, he just doesnt do it properly and I feel I can't approach him about it cause he'll say that he "did do it".

You've just got to say something. Don't keep doing it for him - why should you have to?

If he's washed plates and left food on them, tell him - he needs to finish doing it properly.

If he's 'done the bathroom' but the toilet is still dirty, tell him - he needs to finish doing it properly.

Just be factual "DH, you forgot to clean the toilet", "DH, there's still food on some of these plates". If it's genuinely an oversight (i.e. he's not doing it on purpose to get out of housework), he won't take offence.

@LannieDuck He has taken offence in the past, rolls his eyes, makes a face, thinks I'm being argumentative, goes into a bit of a mood. Really takes it to heart, sees it as a dig at him.

So I've just let it go and thought one day we'll get a dishwasher, that it's so minor I don't want to get in an arguement about it. But it does bother me, being at home more and getting nice new things and seeing them not looked after bothers me more.

He'll start something and not finish it a lot or do a half arsed job, not just with dishes but anything around the house. And now I'm in the house all day it is so frustrating to watch.

I'd rather he didn't do it then start it, him think he's been great, and me redo it. I also dont want to spend my life doing all the housework.

Maybe we need a rota. A rota feels impersonal and studenty to me, but maybe that would work? Would show him what is involved in cleaning a room? Like a tick list for the bathroom? Wouldnt solve the washing up though. Need to just say it, pick up a clean mug and a dirty one and show him its not the same and demonstrate how to clean it properly? It's just asking for a massive argument though and I've not got the energy.

OP,

He's lazy and doesn't give a shit.

He controls you by being "sensitive to criticism".🙄

Well you are "sensitive" to dirty plates, cups, glasses and re doing any job he attempts.

He is controlling you by getting cross or petulant at being criticised.

You think long and hard about the future you want with this lazy waster.

He will leave everything to you, and it will only get worse.

You are a skivvy in your home, while he can't wash up a cup correctly. Twat.

Forgive me OP, but you need to get a grip.

Only a lazy moron can't wash a cup, and only a deeply desperate naive woman with MUG written across her forehead, would accept this bullshit.

Focus on what YOU want.

Is this lazy twat what YOU really want in your life. For ever?

Apologies for being harsh but you need to give your head a shake.
..wishing you well.

You're not being unreasonable, sometimes I live with my bestie/ex partner and he's the same when it comes to washing up. He just doesn't seem to see it. Part of it is he doesn't rinse and stuff. I'll take a cup off the drainer and it'll be covered in orangey curry sauce residue, stuff like that.

To be fair, he does do washing up more often than me. But I end up redoing the stuff or items.

I wouldn't feel able to say much as he does actually do more/more frequently. But I think you can in your position.

@billy1966 He's honestly not. He always remembers bins and he's proactive on putting a wash on. I know what I've said sounds bad but he honestly is just the most sensitive person. Sensitive about everything.

He's not got the best attention to detail, wants to do jobs quickly, isn't bothered by mess. If he's had a go he thinks that's enough. Our levels of enough are just different! He's not bothered but I am. If i can get him to understand what I mean by clean and why it's important I think he would do it.

Sensitive my arse. He cannot be bothered and sees all the chores within the home as your job by dint of fact that you are female and thus put here to serve and clear up after him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

He is indeed controlling you by getting cross or petulant at being criticised. He has no respect for you either and nor for that matter does this lodger you have in your property. I would be giving that person notice to leave.

You are engaged to this man, do you still want to marry him knowing how he is now?. Consider that question carefully because he is showing you who he really is.

He has you well trained to now being both subserviant and compliant around him.

I would read this article too:-
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I would also think he does not take such a slapdash approach to his work either. If he did he would be out of there.

He does not need a rota because he is not a child; he is supposed to be a fully paid up adult as are you. He frankly needs a good boot up the arse from you back to his mother's.

It's just asking for a massive argument though and I've not got the energy.

That's what he's counting on.

I have a half a job Henry! Like people have said I now don't get cross, I just keep pointing out what needs doing and leave it for him.

It's easier said than done sometimes, I went to the office for the first day since lockdown last week and it was the first day he'd had the kids, homeschooling and wfh. I came back to the house looking as if it had been robbed! However, I left all the mess, the kids were fed, had done some school work and he'd taken them out for a walk.

He is now in charge of the laundry, changing beds, cooking a few meals of week, grocery shopping and putting the bins out and always tidying the kitchen after I cook! Think I'm getting a good deal now!

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco How did you get him to see? Was it one good conversation or picking it up with him every time he didn't do it? Was he defensive?

If I could get it across to him well he would do it. He's not thoughtless or selfish, just a bit un observant. When I've spoken to him about it before I've had a tone to my voice cause I've been annoyed, and I think he's reacted against the tone.

Need to try and approach it in a way where I don't sound blamey or critical. I think I will do a rota cause that makes clear what is "enough" when you do a room.

Give him the nickname half a job bob and call him it every time he does half a job. By making light of it, hopefully he'll get the hint.

Sensitive when he’s criticised because he hasn’t done what he’s supposed to!
Sounds like a man child.
Do you have kids? Wait till you do and all the childcare and drudgery is left to you!

@longtimecomin He'd see it as a personal attack not a joke. No kids yet.

I think it's a communication problem cause he's really not a bad bloke at all. Just need to get through to him and show him it's important to me without starting an arguement.

Why shouldn't you sound critical? He is putting dirty plates and glasses away and letting you wash them again if you actually - shock! - want to eat off a clean plate!

He isn't sensitive, he is a lazy selfish man. Stand your ground on this now or you will have a lifetime of this nonsense.

@Arrivederla Because if I sound critical he'll get defensive and we'll get nowhere. We'll argue, have a bit of a bad atmosphere, both say sorry so we can be friends again and we'll be back to square one.

@Foreverinpajamas we’ve all been there and got the t-shirt. You can lead a horse to water ya da ya da...
If he did a half arsed job at work, sooner or later he’d be sacked, do we agree on that?
Now, I raised a kid, she knows the difference between a properly washed plate and one that’s still got stuff on it. She knows to put the dishes back, she knows to wipe down the counters before and after cooking. She’s much much younger than your OH.
What your OH is doing is turning you into his mother. Good luck, you’ll need it.

Well we've had a few conversations where he'd say he'd do more and then a couple of weeks later things would skip again and I'd be doing most of the housework.

I think what's helped for us is me explaining that I know he's happy to help as such, but I shouldn't need to tell him what to do around the house. He can see as easily as me what needs doing and I also lowered my standards for a while! I also said I've got 2 kids already and don't need another one. Felt a bit mean but was worth it. On the flip side he's a happy bunny now as since we're going out of lockdown he knows what needs doing then if he want to pop out for a couple of beers with mates that's fine by me, win, win.

@BuddhaAtSea He sees work as important and interesting and housework as nonessential and boring.

If I clean a room he'll notice and appreciate it so I just need to get him into the habit of doing it too. Its a conversation that needs to happen.

You need to bring it up whether it's patronising or not. He is behaving like a 5 year old. Surely a grown man knows how to clean something properly for Gods sake. Tough shit if he doesn't like it.
Its irritating beyond belief, it's like they can't be bothered to do jobs like this properly because it's womens work and if we don't challenge it we'll just end up as maids.

OP,

God love you, but he has you well trained.

He's oh so sensitive, such a sensitive little soul.....that for you to criticise him about anything will cause a massive row....

He has you trained and you are too confused to not not see what's right in front of you.

He doesn't respect you enough to contibute to a nice home.

Just you wait until you are silly enough to marry him and have children.....

Run raggedy into the ground because its all left to you, and he just can't be arsed to help. ....and you can't trust him to do a decent job anyway.

You will remember this thread.

How you defended his sensitive little soul and you will finally get it.
You will realise that he trained you not to complain and you didn't.

He's a lazy waster, and you will find out the hard way as so many woman do on here.

Good decent men pull their weight.
It is that simple.

Lazy wasters just get lazier...they NEVER EVER step up.

You sould like a nice soft woman.
His laziness will grind you into the ground.
You have been warned.

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is. Believe him.

Would he be bothered if you did less too?

OP when people use the phrase "pull your weight" stop and imagine what this really looks like.

You each have a sledge. On it is piled your working day and domestic chores. You drag that sledge along through life. Occasionally you stop pulling the sledge and rest.

Now imagine that your partner takes some of the weight off his sledge and piles it onto yours. The weight he is pulling is now lighter. He strides on ahead whilst you pull not only your weight but some of his as well. You fall behind, You are tired. You perhaps decide to work part time to fit in all the domestic work you are doing. Partner tells you "you only work part time" so you should do more in the home.

Bingo! He has his unpaid housekeeper.

Imagine dragging that sledge along for your married life.

That's what this "sensitive" man has in mind for you.