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Original poster

Should I tell him I miss him

31 replies

Fairycake2 · 19/07/2020 08:56

My DH left me 8 months ago, completely out of the blue for me. We've had pretty much no contact since and I have no idea where he lives etc.

We have no children so there is no need to stay in touch and in lots of ways its been easier to have no contact.

I was doing really well for the first 6 to 7 months but recently I've been finding it difficult and have been sad, not helped by the fact I found out he's met someone else.

There's lots of things I didn't like about him any more and he completely took me for granted but my brain keeps remembering only the good bits.

I recently had to email him about the divorce and since then I keep having a strong desire to tell him I hate that we're getting divroced and that I miss him.

I know I probably won't get a reply but almost feel like I need to tell him.

Do you think I should?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/07/2020 09:00

No.

Very bad idea.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Russell19 · 19/07/2020 09:02

I think you should email and let him know you'd be willing to work through your issues if he was. If you don't let him know you'll regret it. If he doesn't reply and carries on with the divorce regardless at least you know its final for him.

KetoIFWinnie · 19/07/2020 09:03

No.

Don't tell him that. He didn't value you when you were together. He wasn't perfect, you know that now.

If you want to be respected as an ex wife (for what that's worth) do not go back to him to tell him you miss him!!

If there's communication between you at some point later, show that you're OK. Not that you're in a state of ''missing'' something that wasn't right even while you had it!

user9274672893 · 19/07/2020 09:05

No. Nope nope nope.

Your brain is remembering the good bits because those are the parts you're grieving, which is normal and ok. Stop beating yourself up for grieving. It will pass.

Opening the door on the bad stuff and giving him another chance to hurt you whether directly or indirectly (because I can't see how you wouldn't end up hurting even more by sending a message like that) won't help.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 19/07/2020 09:05

For what he's put you through I would say no, it's a bad idea. Keep going, you deserve someone better honestly!

user9274672893 · 19/07/2020 09:06

Russell19 wtf?

Awwwshutup · 19/07/2020 09:07

No!! Tell him you've met someone else and wish the divorce would hurry up.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2020 09:07

Can you cope with him rejecting you again op? There is a high chance he is living with someone else.

If you need to be sure, then do it, but only if you can cope with another rejection.

blueandgreens · 19/07/2020 09:09

Not unless you think him wanting to be with you (and you wanting to be back with him), would be the result, AND you would be happy about that and ok with it later down the line. Ie could you really trust him after he’s done this and never been in contact to ask for you back?

If he is with someone new, that will still very much be in the honeymoon stage and your message will be an ego trip to him, and pain to you when you don’t get a reply or don’t hear it said back.

It’s ultimately up to you but I think you know you deserve much better and that saying this will not make you feel better or even change things for the better, even if he did suddenly come back because you’d said it, which would be doubtful and probably insincere if he did.

Sorry you’ve been through this, you sound strong and deserving of much better.

TwentyViginti · 19/07/2020 09:09

Absolutely not. The somebody else he's seeing may well have been on the scene before he left.

He won't care about your feelings, and it will just be an ego boost for him.

PAND0RA · 19/07/2020 09:10

No no no.

If he was willing to “ work through the issues “ then he would have sat down and discussed it with your before leaving.

And he would have kept In touch after you separated.

And he would have told you where he was.

I’d bet my bottom dollar that he’s not “ just met someone else “ . That’s almost certainly the person he left you for.

If you want to tell someone how much you miss him then write a diary, write it here on MN and see a counsellor.

Keep all communication with him formal and limited to legal matters. Say NOTHING personal at all, let alone that you miss him.

Also read the Chump Lady website and get angry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2020 09:12

No do not further email him at all and certainly do not tell him you miss him. He is the one who left here and he is likely still with someone else.

f there is any necessity to email him further re the divorce ask your Solicitor to contact him instead. Contacting him at all, albeit necessarily, has caused this situation to arise.

JeSuisPoulet · 19/07/2020 09:13

You are having a natural response in many ways - your brain remembers the good which is nicer and easier than the bad. From personal experience I know I have had to really force myself to look at the bad to recognise them after a break up to stop doing exactly as you are wanting to here! I am not sure it is healthy to focus on the negatives as much as I personally did (wound me up in other ways which just made me unhappy) so maybe distraction is key here? Literally write yourself a new future. Exes have their uses sometimes in spurring you on to the next thing. I often think about a particular ex when I do something fun with dd and smirk, because he would never have "let" us do that thing, for example. Hope that makes sense. Go and live the way you want to and specifically I'd say, do the things you couldn't with him there. It's the best way to move forward and put him in the rear view mirror Smile

whatever1980 · 19/07/2020 09:15

No - simple as that.

You'll regret as soon as sent.

You'll hate him if:

He doesn't reply
He replies and tells you about new person

He's a man. To be blunt- if he wanted you he'd have told you - no question.

I've been there got the T-shirt and wasted time I'll never get back.

Read - "he's just not that into you" for simple answers to all your questions.

Sorry to be blunt but there's no point in being fluffy about this.

category12 · 19/07/2020 09:15

He's with someone else, tho? He probably left you for this person.

I think you'll feel really awful if you tell him this and he ignores or rejects you again.

Even in the extremely unlikely case that he did come back, you'd be so far on the back foot after being treated so poorly and taking him back, that he'd think he could do anything and you'd accept it - really bad dynamic to be in.

LemonTT · 19/07/2020 09:16

@Awwwshutup

No!! Tell him you've met someone else and wish the divorce would hurry up.
Doing this would be sad and demeaning. The OP, and anyone else, does not a partner as a societal or emotional crutch.

You shouldn’t tell him you miss him. There is no context for this. He left you because he wanted out. It’s time to accept that and to move on with your life. You will need to divorce but if that contact is unsettling don’t do it right now. Don’t instigate divorce proceedings to get his attention. Don’t tell him you hate him to get his attention.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2020 09:18

Oh I’ve just reread, he is with someone else. No don’t do it op, I’m sorry but he likely left you for her and doesn’t even wish you to know where he is.

itsureis · 19/07/2020 09:21

I have a insta quote for you ...

"Don't be shy, text him again. He probably just forgot that he's still in love with you" ;-)

But seriously DON'T !!!!

Grab a note pad and pen, get comfy, or better still, go to a cafe where your surrounded by socially distanced people, and write to him but don't send it.

Keep doing this when you feel the need to contact him and then re-read them over and over until you don't need to anymore.

Lacey2019 · 19/07/2020 09:21

It’s natural to miss someone who was such a huge part of your life, not helped by the fact he’s now with someone. I went into an emotional hell hole when I found out my ex was..and ended up getting blocked!.

Men can turn emotions off, if he left and has met someone new, it’s very hard

Cam2020 · 19/07/2020 09:22

Don't do it.

You're grieving for your relationship and thats a long process; this is just a phase. Your brain is tricking you with selective memory, cherry picking the good bits and overlooking the bad.

If anyone should be making contact to halt proceedings, it should be him, having seen the error of his ways but he hasn't - he's moving on. Sorry to be brutal. I hope you feel better soon. Flowers

Russell19 · 19/07/2020 09:23

When I said 'your' issues I meant as a couple not you personally. Seems my opinion is in the minority but I'd do it to make sure it was what he really wanted. If he's met someone else it's unlikely but still....

category12 · 19/07/2020 09:30

I just think the chances are very high he left for this other woman in the first place.

Emmmie · 19/07/2020 09:35

No. You will thank yourself later 😊

MikeUniformMike · 19/07/2020 09:35

No. He's gone.
Rebuild your life and move on.

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 19/07/2020 09:45

I know it's a bad idea really but just couldn't stop thinking about it. You are right though and if he felt it he would let me know.

I definitely don't want him back and wouldn't trust him not to upsticks again so I guess its pointless anyway. Plus you may well be right in that he left for OW.

Thank you all for making me feel stronger and confirming that I'm right not to message him.

OP posts: