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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Harassment please help...

30 replies

Estherlawder · 19/07/2020 08:39

Separated from exdh 18 months ago.
He has a history of paranoia and mental health issues that he denies. Although I believe he sees a psychiatrist for what he believes is coping with his M.E.
Since the separation he has seen our 3 dc about 5 times. Not at all since Christmas.
Elder teen girls now want nothing to do with him after being bombarded with vile texts about me and thinly veiled threats about what he might do to any future partner I may have. Calling me names, a prostitute, satan, evil etc. They eventually blocked him after pleading with him to stop.
7 year old ds has no contact at all as no phone and has never ever asked for contact.
His texts to me are in the hundreds. Similar threats, pleading in the early days and then progressing to what he would do to someone I start seeing.
I told him to stop in March or I would tell the police and he did.

Till last night. I received messages informing me that if I were to get with someone he perceives as not suitable there will be consequences. He sent a link to a torture chamber?
I told him to stop, that this was harassment.
His reply was the following

Ahhh playing the harassment card just for a text, okay.
Not sure that washes in court with the length of time since the last texts months back.
See, harassment is constant abuse.
But yeah, I'll respect your wishes
Get my boy ready for him to see me on his birthday.. pretty please

What do I do ?
Do I call the police and ask them to give him a harassment warning ?
He said if I call the police he will tell them how bent they are and a few things about me ?? Theres nothing to tell ?
Do I go to a solicitor and get a non molestation order?
Is this abuse? Is it bad enough?
Do I just ignore him?
And worst of all, he clearly wants to see our son on his birthday next week after nearly 8months. He isnt stable and ds wont want to go. Whst do I do ?
I'm so afraid.

OP posts:
allfalldown47 · 19/07/2020 08:42

Go to the police, yes it's enough, more than enough, he sent you a photo of a torture chamber Sad

Do you have all his older messages? Please show the police everything you have from him.

allfalldown47 · 19/07/2020 08:44

Don't send your ds to see him, not in a million years!
The fact that ds doesn't want to see him is enough. Presumably there are no formal court ordered arrangements in place? If so, you have nothing to worry about and can just ignore his requests!

user1483387154 · 19/07/2020 08:46

Yes please take this to the police

MyOwnSummer · 19/07/2020 08:47
  1. Contact the police
  2. Contact a solicitor

Yes this is definitely bad enough. He could harm you or the kids. Make sure you have backups of all the evidence. Let him take you to court for access if he wishes to do so - from what you have written here, unsupervised contact would be unlikely as he does not seem to be stable enough to care for a child.

Estherlawder · 19/07/2020 08:48

@allfalldown47 no there is no court order in place. I work fulltime and support them. I have them all the time.
He has only seen them in the early days of separating when a relative used to take them to see him. Despite having a car he has never collected them or taken them anywhere.
The last visit at xmas ended badly as he was running me down upsetting the children and told my ds at some point he would have to choose who to live with! Ds was frightened and upset and did not want to stay. The relative bought them home they haven't seen him since.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 19/07/2020 08:49

Report to the police, ask for their advice on how to obtain a non molestation order, then block his number and do not under any circumstances allow any contact. I'd seriously consider moving house if he knows where you live.

allfalldown47 · 19/07/2020 08:49

Then if they don't want to see him, you continue as you are and keep him away from them!
Please contact the police today op Thanks

Estherlawder · 19/07/2020 08:50

Ok. I will contact them today.
Thank you.

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 19/07/2020 08:59

I’m sure you know this but keep a Detailed diary and a copy of all texts he sent to any of you. Take screen shots.

Ask your Dds to write down what he said and did that upset / scared them.

Don’t worry if you don’t think it’s “ bad enough “. It doesn’t matter if the threats are veiled. It’s about showing a pattern of behaviour.

Read the websites first so you know exactly what to say to the police and what your rights are.

VettiyaIruken · 19/07/2020 09:05

Chilling.
Absolutely both police and court for a non molestation.

He thinks that if he has a break between blocks of threatening texts he can't be charged with harassment. That's quite disturbing isn't it? It surely means he has planned out how to space the threats.

He's wrong of course, it's absolutely harassment, but for him to plan like that, plus the content of the messages - he's dangerous.

Estherlawder · 19/07/2020 10:19

Yes @Vettiyalruken he appears to have read up on harassment and abuse ! Its scary how he appears to acknowledge what he is doing.
If I just ignore his requests to see his ds what can he actually do ?
Does anyone know?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/07/2020 10:31

You should contact women's aid, I'm sure they know this stuff inside out.

I honestly wouldn't let the kids near him unless there's a court order absolutely forcing you. He sounds hugely unstable and vindictive.

Hidingtonothing · 19/07/2020 10:49

He can't do anything unless he goes to court for a child arrangement order, and you would have the opportunity to tell the court everything before a decision was made so not sure he'd want to go that route. Reporting his harassment to the police now is a smart move though, the more that's on record the less likely he is to get any kind of access to DC if he does take it to court.

Definitely have a read, or maybe even speak to, Paladin and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, lots of useful advice and info there. Tell people too, friends and family are much more able to look out for you if they know what's going on, and the world should know what an abusive prick he is anyway! You're doing well OP, protecting your DC and not rising to his bait, get what protections you can put in place now (non-mol etc) and just keep doing what you're doing Flowers

Aerial2020 · 19/07/2020 13:08

Call the police. Show them the texts.
Block him

PAND0RA · 19/07/2020 13:32

Make sure all your social media ( and the kids ) is locked down and that he can’t guess your passwords to anything.

Dery · 19/07/2020 14:25

Harassment is not constant abuse – it requires only two occasions of abuse from the same person: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/

This is harassment. Show the police. This man sounds terrifying and potentially very dangerous.

You can also talk to the National Centre for domestic violence about obtaining a molestation order and they may refer you to a law firm which will help you prepare the papers for free.

ThickFast · 19/07/2020 14:34

If he wanted to see his kids and you were refusing, he’d have to go to court. Unless he somehow managed to turn up and take one of them. I hope the police and solicitor have been helpful.

Shizzlestix · 19/07/2020 14:39

Keep all messages. It only takes 2 messages under the Misuse of Telecommunications Act, clearly he’s not very knowledgeable. Please contact the police ASAP, he sounds extremely unwell.

EstherLawder · 26/07/2020 17:06

As predicted he has made contact today.
He ha sent a text to DD1 saying Ask Her, It, Thing what time I am seeing my boy tommorrow...

I have told her to ignore it but I know it will continue. Can I just ignore him ?
As explained upthread there is no contact order in place so I imagine he will just threaten to take me to court and I will say go right ahead....

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 26/07/2020 17:16

It isnt just harassment though. He threatened you. Threatened to torture you. Threats are harassment too though fyi. They dont have to be continuous.

Totally illegal and chilling. Police asap.
And I'd never let him near my kids either. Do whatever you need to do legally to protect them.

Curlywurly39 · 26/07/2020 17:56

I would ignore the messages but definitely screenshot them esp if they are on whatsapp as he can delete them from the conversation. Also definitely report to police.

Id also consider keeping that mobile number (For his contact) but also get a new mobile and number and give that to friends/family.

Keep your doors locked or change locks if he has a key.

Sounds a complete psycho Flowers

Curlywurly39 · 26/07/2020 17:57

Also, i wouldnt allow him access to the children unless supervised. He sounds unhinged

1moreRep · 26/07/2020 18:02

ok, firstly for a non molestation order and other help contact the national domestic centre for domestic violence, you can instigate this without the police.

there are no harassment warnings any more, this can be crimed potentially as stalking, furthermore you need to ensure you and your children are safeguarded.

with any police report there will be information shared with schools and social services but this is not a negative thing.

1moreRep · 26/07/2020 18:04

www.ncbv.org.uk

this is the national centre for domestic violence

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