Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Need some grown up advice here please!?

73 replies

louisas96 · 18/07/2020 17:16

Hi everyone

Not even sure if this is the right place for me to post this, I am not pregnant neither am I expecting or have any children. I'm 23, my boyfriend is 26. We have been together almost two years now. In lockdown I moved in with him, but I had to return home due to family reasons. In lockdown we had many ups and downs, it was tough. Since i've been home we've still seen one another but less often, and we've gotten on so much better. However, due to my insecurities (which I am working on) I always find myself causing such petty rows over pathetic stuff. My boyfriend is very respectful, patient, helps me mentally and is pretty much on speed dial for me whenever I need him. As I said, since i've been home we have had a few rows that have resulted in us almost breaking up, but he loves me so he's giving me a chance to work on myself and prove that we can be happy. Here is the problem, he is on a night out tonight (no sleazy bars or anything) just round his friends house with the boys for a BBQ. He's been in contact with me all day since he's been out, as he knows I hate not hearing from him for hours. Sadly, in the past there have been occasions where it got to about 10pm and I haven't heard from him until about 10am the next morning. I know that's not due to him not being loyal, as he's not like that. But I suffer from anxiety anyway so when I don't here from him for so long, I panic and have sleepless nights. This has only happened a few times in our whole relationship (he's not the type to be out every weekend anyway.) but right now i'm finding myself getting anxious already and thinking what if I don't hear from him until tomorrow. We spoke about this earlier and he said if for any reason he doesn't contact me, it's not because there's anything to worry about and it's simply because he's got carried away with his night out and is enjoying time with his friends. Which is true, as when they are out I don't ever see anyone on there phones as there is so much going on. My question is, I need some grown up and sensible advice as to how to deal with these worries and how to calm myself down? Like I said, he has been in contact with me all day, it's just the night time I worry about and it drives me mad! I'd really apprecate some advice.

Thanks everyone for reading!

OP posts:

Aerial2020 · 19/07/2020 12:05

He is prob telling you want you want to hear (he doesn't mind etc) to manage your controlling behaviour but eventually he will tire if it.
Of course he minds, it's stifling.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/07/2020 12:07

I saw this photo and it made me laugh, as I’m a big overthinker. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you OP!

I know how it feels when someone’s usual texting pattern changes - my DP will usually text me two or three times a day when we’re not together. If I don’t hear from him until 5pm, I assume it’s because he’s having so much fun he’s forgotten about me, because y’know, we’ve only been together 8 years, and I’m easily forgettable! Obviously it’s never that he’s forgotten me, he’s probably been clearing out his shed or out on a long bike ride etc but my mind runs away with me and I’ve convinced myself that he’s got his ex round playing happy families or he’s at a siblings house, with all the wives and kids, but I don’t count because we’re not married etc

It’s really hard to suffer with anxiety, so I totally sympathise with you. For his totally innocent night out with friends to have caused you so much stress - presumably all day in the lead up to it yesterday, last night while he was out, and now tomorrow in the aftermath - is unfair on you as well as on him.

I do wonder if the posters advising you to take a break and sort yourself out by yourself might be onto something?

I know it feels wrong to finish a relationship where there is so much love, but it sounds like you could BOTH end up resenting each other quite easily with this backdrop of anxiety hanging over everything.

midlifecrash · 19/07/2020 12:08

Imagine for a second you are him.

Think about all the work you put into reassuring your partner in the day running up to the evening.

Then think of the texts you had to keep reminding yourself to send breaking up your evening. The final text in the early hours when she should have been asleep long ago but you can feel this need pushing at your consciousness. Then having done everything you can you get some sleep. What do you wake up to? Two missed calls. How is anything you do ever going to be enough?

Original poster

louisas96 · 19/07/2020 12:11

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I saw this photo and it made me laugh, as I’m a big overthinker. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you OP!

I do wonder if the posters advising you to take a break and sort yourself out by yourself might be onto something?

Hey

Thank you for sharing that with me!. Funnily enough, last night was a lot better than how I usually feel. So I can only assume that things are improving, I think it also helped to see people’s views on here and I think that’s opened my eyes a bit. I’ve been so used to my friends telling me it would be disrespectful if he didn’t contact me all night, to the point where I’ve developed this immature view on the whole thing. He does help me as a person and helps me to grow, and I don’t think us not being together is the answer. I think it’s really all about me starting to work on it myself instead of relying on him to do everything for me. And I know I can do that, it’s just hard when you’ve been in such a routine of being dependent on someone. He’s also said that he’s noticed recently I’ve been much more emotionally mature, he’s a very brutally honest guy so he would tell me if I was doing my head I. And at times when it has been bad, he’s been honest with me and told me it’s wearing him down.

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 19/07/2020 12:12

It's hard being apart but if he's contacting you daily then that's enough, you need to work on your insecurities and possessiveness. I would work on reducing the amount of texting during the day and instead schedule a time to call each day you are apart then once that's happened assume no contact until the next day. I find it is easier to have set expectations, admittedly I'm from the generation who had to sit on the stairs on the landline as a teenager (with father reminding how much calls cost) and daytime I don't expect contact if working or out.

Whether this relationship lasts, working on expectations will help in the future.

NotaCoolMum · 19/07/2020 12:17

I’m exhausted just reading this!!! OP- with the greatest respect- until you’ve sorted out your own issues- you REALLY should not be in a relationship at all. This is so unfair to your BF. Even if he says it’s ok now- he WILL grow to resent you. A relationship is meant to enrich your life and this is not doing it for either of you. Work on yourself and your own issues before you bring someone into your life. 💐

polkadotpixie · 19/07/2020 12:18

You are me 5 years ago. I'm a lot better now though, partly due to DH growing up and not going AWOL, partly due to me working on myself to not be so co-dependent and mainly due to us having a baby and DH not being the centre of my world anymore (I wouldn't recommend the last one as a solution though!)

I've been there, I understand the anxiety but you will push him away by desperately clinging onto him for fear of losing him (whether to another woman or an unknown danger)...it will be a self fulfilling prophecy if you don't get a hold of yourself

Therapy, self care, sleeping through his nights out...whatever you need to do, do it

backseatcookers · 19/07/2020 12:20

I think that the idea to agree in advance that he will just message you the next day and not while he's out is best for now.

Have you tried CBT at all? That may help you unravel the root of the anxiety and tackle your resulting behaviour.

For example you said to him not to worry if he didn't text back again that night and you wouldn't mind. But you would have minded, and he knows that due to your previous behaviour and expectations. So it was setting him up to fail and also manipulative. That doesn't mean you are an awful person, just that anxiety can make people manipulative as they are desperate for reassurance.

I also note you say he cheated on a night out a long time ago when you were younger but it actually sounds like it was only a year ago, which isn't long at all really especially as you've only been together two years.

So I think you need to also assess whether being in a healthy relationship with someone who has cheated on you when you're already an anxious person is sensible and sustainable.

Your anxieties don't just put you in danger of being manipulative or emotionally abusive yourself, they also put you at risk of (in the future if you're single and then embark on a new relationship) being in a codependent relationship. Because at first your anxiety and past would mean you enjoyed being "us against the world" and doing everything together etc. But codependency isn't healthy either.

You also need to be honest about the root of your anxiety. It might be a teeny tiny bit of you that's worried he's been in harms way if you don't hear from him but really what you're worried about is him cheating. Which makes sense because he did it before, well into your relationship being serious. But you know logically that he could even go home with someone and shag them but still send you some texts so it wouldn't prove anything anyway. So your fixation on contact during his nights out isn't logical if you try and think about it like that.

I really think you should look into more counselling and I think that CBT would be really useful for you.

giantangryrooster · 19/07/2020 12:31

I’ve been so used to my friends telling me it would be disrespectful if he didn’t contact me all night

Please don't listen to your immature friends, they are setting you up for drama and anciety.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/07/2020 12:33

I think it’s really all about me starting to work on it myself instead of relying on him to do everything for me

Yes, this is the way to think about it! The fix for your anxiety isn't him constantly reassuring you, it's you learning techniques to cope with it, self soothe, for you to be able to reassure yourself and to eventually eliminate your anxiety.

Your friends are wrong, it's disrespectful to think that someone cannot enjoy a night out without having to think of their partner all night, we all need to continue to be our own person and to have our own headspace and life outside our relationship.

alfrew · 19/07/2020 12:45

I'm not going with the flow on this one. I can't help thinking that he's a bit flattered by your behaviour, he's certainly not totally discouraging it.

And who told you about the drunken kiss?

Original poster

louisas96 · 19/07/2020 12:47

@alfrew

I'm not going with the flow on this one. I can't help thinking that he's a bit flattered by your behaviour, he's certainly not totally discouraging it.

And who told you about the drunken kiss?

He’s not that sort of guy, he doesn’t think much of himself at all. He has told me in the past to relax. And he told me about the drunken kiss when we got back together. We both got everything out in the open and were honest with one another.

OP posts:

notheragain4 · 19/07/2020 12:52

OP you remind me of me in my late teens very early 20s. You're young, finding your feet and how to behave in a relationship. Don't be influenced by your friends, reflect on how you feel, on how you think your partner feels- is he disrespecting you, or just having an evening with his friends? If you are unhappy about something, speak about it rationally at an appropriate time, in person. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's a hard age as you're getting to know yourself as much as you are your partner. I would try to relax a bit though, it's very easy to get wrapped up in the drama but it can become very exhausting being offended by everything all the time, as I say I speak from experience!

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 19/07/2020 12:54

I think you need to get done counselling. You clearly have issues. This is not normal behaviour

Original poster

louisas96 · 19/07/2020 12:55

@notheragain4

Thank you for your honest message. I think for sure that in the past my friends have influenced my reactions with my boyfriend. Deep down I don’t think he’s disrespecting me at all and if he disappears all night then I know it’s not for any reason that’s not innocent. We are speaking now and I told him I’m going to take away that pressure of him contacting me on his nights out, he said that he thinks this will help us a lot. Already the vibe feels more calm between us.

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/07/2020 13:00

Being blunt, if I were your boyfriend I'd dump you. Your behaviour is oppressive and controlling. Just way too much pressure.

notheragain4 · 19/07/2020 13:03

@louisas96 I grew up with parents who fought a lot so to me it was "normal" and I think I was striving for it, if something quite small bothered me I'd argue rather than just say I had a problem with something. Arguing doesn't have to be a normal part of a relationship, I'm sure your partner needs to learn as well, you both are, just keeping talking to each other :)

Giganticshark · 19/07/2020 13:10

Fucking hell.

Are you sure you're in a good enough place for a relationship?? Perhaps you should work on yourself, you sound very unhealthy, you'll push him away. There's only so long he will be understanding for

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/07/2020 14:13

Excellent. That sounds positive.

But remember how you instinctively called him this morning, more than once, without giving yourself time to reason that he'd not yet slept for eight hours? That's what you have to avoid next time. I suggest giving yourself the rule that you wait till he contacts you first. (You can be the first to contact after you've been out for the night too, if you like!)

Elieza · 19/07/2020 17:59

Good plan OP.
And make the time that he rings you the following day (or that you ring him) a reasonable one - arranged in advance.
If someone is out drinking til 5am it’s not fair to expect them to text you later on in the same morning!
Say 2pm at the earliest.
Or even 4pm.
Or start with 2pm and after you’re coping with this plan gradually extend it.

Aerial2020 · 19/07/2020 18:08

I don't think a plan to control the controlling behaviour is a good one.
It's not really up to the boyfriend to accommodate this behaviour.
The only way is for the OP to take a step back and work on herself, away from the boyfriend. This really isn't anything to do with him.
All the way through OP you have been saying it is your anxieties and haven't really seen this for what it is. You are trying to control him. And his role is to keep your anxiety around this down
This is a strange way of having a relationship

Dancingalong · 19/07/2020 18:48

My husband and I have had an agreement for most of our relationship, so 15 years, to always message when home/back at hotel wherever it is we are. Doesn’t always work out sometimes signal gets lost or battery dies, will try and send a message before it dies. It’s always worked for us. It’s more so when the other wakes up they know the other is ok.

Aerial2020 · 19/07/2020 19:28

Yes but that's completely different to the OPs relationship

Flip

1 2 3