Need some grown up advice here please!?

[louisas96]

Hi everyone

Not even sure if this is the right place for me to post this, I am not pregnant neither am I expecting or have any children. I'm 23, my boyfriend is 26. We have been together almost two years now. In lockdown I moved in with him, but I had to return home due to family reasons. In lockdown we had many ups and downs, it was tough. Since i've been home we've still seen one another but less often, and we've gotten on so much better. However, due to my insecurities (which I am working on) I always find myself causing such petty rows over pathetic stuff. My boyfriend is very respectful, patient, helps me mentally and is pretty much on speed dial for me whenever I need him. As I said, since i've been home we have had a few rows that have resulted in us almost breaking up, but he loves me so he's giving me a chance to work on myself and prove that we can be happy. Here is the problem, he is on a night out tonight (no sleazy bars or anything) just round his friends house with the boys for a BBQ. He's been in contact with me all day since he's been out, as he knows I hate not hearing from him for hours. Sadly, in the past there have been occasions where it got to about 10pm and I haven't heard from him until about 10am the next morning. I know that's not due to him not being loyal, as he's not like that. But I suffer from anxiety anyway so when I don't here from him for so long, I panic and have sleepless nights. This has only happened a few times in our whole relationship (he's not the type to be out every weekend anyway.) but right now i'm finding myself getting anxious already and thinking what if I don't hear from him until tomorrow. We spoke about this earlier and he said if for any reason he doesn't contact me, it's not because there's anything to worry about and it's simply because he's got carried away with his night out and is enjoying time with his friends. Which is true, as when they are out I don't ever see anyone on there phones as there is so much going on. My question is, I need some grown up and sensible advice as to how to deal with these worries and how to calm myself down? Like I said, he has been in contact with me all day, it's just the night time I worry about and it drives me mad! I'd really apprecate some advice.

Thanks everyone for reading!

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

This isn’t fair on him or sustainable. It’s good that you’ve taken on board the advice so far but you do need to go further and work on your anxiety, as it will eventually poison this relationship, but then also the following ones after that forever more if you don’t get to the bottom of it.

If he’s somehow the reason for your lack of trust - if he’s cheated or given you reason to worry about him on nights out - then you might be better off leaving him and starting afresh with someone new. However, if he’s never given you reason to worry, this is very unfair and others have said, would be considered abusive if you were the man here.

I know how it feels to wait on an unread message and feel forgotten, it can shake the foundations of your love and make you question everything, but you need to remind yourself of all the good things you have, all the happy times together, keep busy, and finally try to imagine that the worst happened - if he did cheat on you, or leave you, you’d be devastated but you’d get over it, you’d recover and you’d meet someone else in time. Relationships are not the be all and end all, there isn’t one single person who right for us - if it wasn’t him, it would be someone else. Take the pressure off you both by trying to put it in perspective.

[louisas96]

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

This isn’t fair on him or sustainable. It’s good that you’ve taken on board the advice so far but you do need to go further and work on your anxiety, as it will eventually poison this relationship, but then also the following ones after that forever more if you don’t get to the bottom of it.

If he’s somehow the reason for your lack of trust - if he’s cheated or given you reason to worry about him on nights out - then you might be better off leaving him and starting afresh with someone new. However, if he’s never given you reason to worry, this is very unfair and others have said, would be considered abusive if you were the man here.

I know how it feels to wait on an unread message and feel forgotten, it can shake the foundations of your love and make you question everything, but you need to remind yourself of all the good things you have, all the happy times together, keep busy, and finally try to imagine that the worst happened - if he did cheat on you, or leave you, you’d be devastated but you’d get over it, you’d recover and you’d meet someone else in time. Relationships are not the be all and end all, there isn’t one single person who right for us - if it wasn’t him, it would be someone else. Take the pressure off you both by trying to put it in perspective.

He had a drunken kiss with a girl a long long time ago when we were younger, and we were basically broken up at this stage anyway as things got so bad. However we got back after 3 months and have been back together 10 months. Since we’ve been back together he’s been an open book (he was at the start anyway apart from that one thing) but even before he made that mistake, I was still like this so I don’t think it’s anything to do with him what so ever and it’s purely down to me as a person and my own insecurities. If I’m ever worried about something he will actually offer to show me his phone, but I decline this as deep down I know he’s not doing anything wrong. It’s just the anxieties that cause me to let my emotions sometimes get the better of me. He messaged me about an hour ago to let me know his phones almost dead and reminded me to remember that he loves me. So that’s nice, and today I haven’t felt as bad as I usually do when he goes out. It helps to see other people’s comments as I know that really there isn’t an issue with him and it’s something I need to learn and sort out within myself. Thankfully, he’s willing to stick by me providing I make noticeable changes. So I have to do that.

[category12]

Hi OP, you need to learn to self-soothe and not make him responsible for your feelings.

You need to sit with your anxiety and use whatever strategies help you with it, that don't involve him having to continually reassure you.

He's an independent adult - him messaging you every couple of hours will not stop accidents happening or him cheating, whatever it is you're afraid of.

[PippinMeriadoc]

Just because you were more controlling at the start doesn’t excuse the fact that you are still controlling now. Neither does the fact that your friends say they wouldn’t like their partners being uncontactable overnight. Very often friends are an echo chamber. If he had posted on here people would be telling him to leave you. You need to seek help asap with your issues.

[Kassandra1]

Massive red flag, can you imagine reading this with the sexes reversed.

It sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair for him to have to deal with your issues by ignoring his friends to check in with you constantly in case you get annoyed.

I'd consider leaving this relationship and working on myself if I were you

[louisas96]

@category12

Hi OP, you need to learn to self-soothe and not make him responsible for your feelings.

You need to sit with your anxiety and use whatever strategies help you with it, that don't involve him having to continually reassure you.

He's an independent adult - him messaging you every couple of hours will not stop accidents happening or him cheating, whatever it is you're afraid of.

Yes you’re right. I’ve made an effort this evening to do things for myself instead of overthinking. Just things like running a bath and spending time watching tv shows that I know he hates! Haha. Thank you for your message.

[louisas96]

@Kassandra1

Massive red flag, can you imagine reading this with the sexes reversed.

It sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair for him to have to deal with your issues by ignoring his friends to check in with you constantly in case you get annoyed.

I'd consider leaving this relationship and working on myself if I were you

He doesn’t have to do anything, I had this conversation with him earlier and he told me it’s no hassle for him to check in with me every now and then as he would usually pick his phone up every hour or so anyway. It’s not like he’s ringing me for hours on end. He will just send a couple texts every once in a while.

[Kassandra1]

He send those texts because you've told him you're going to be anxious and/or annoyed (as per your text to him to promise him you wont be annoyed.) That's emotional blackmail.

I dont mean to be harsh, but you really need to think about how confining and restrictive this type of relationship is for the other person. This is the type of relationship that gets lads joking after "crazy GFs". It's not his responsibility to make you feel okay about being away from him - that's on you and if you cant do that, you have massive co-dependency issues and should not be in a relationship

[RosieCockle]

You didn't answer my question. What are you worried will happen?

[louisas96]

@RosieCockle

You didn't answer my question. What are you worried will happen?

I guess that there’s a 0.1% chance that he could meet someone else, something could happen to him in terms of danger, my anxiety runs away with me

[giantangryrooster]

In the nicest possible way, you need to work on yourself, you are still very young and insecure. The way you are asking your bf to act is suffocating, even controlling. He loves you and tries his hardest to reassure you and even though you say, you have had therapy, you still control him.

I'm sorry, I know you seek reassurance, but if you were with someone I knew, I would tell them to run.

Get therapy, work on your issues, this is your problem not something he can or should fix.

[category12]

he told me it’s no hassle for him to check in with me every now and then as he would usually pick his phone up every hour or so anyway.

But it's still pandering to your insecurity/anxiety. You both should be able to go an evening without checking in with each other. It's setting him up to fail and cause more stress if he loses track of time, his phone goes flat, or any one of numerous innocent things that could get in the way.

And again, checking in won't prevent accidents or infidelity. He could text you while getting a blowjob from someone else, fgs. It's a false sense of security and likely to become burdensome and a reason to resent you.

[Elieza]

Seems to me that because he had a drunken kiss with a woman when things were so bad before and you had practically broken up, that you think he will do that again.

That by him texting you he has remembered you and is happy with your relationship and therefore not thinking of straying when he is out. This needs repeated multiple times a night as you are insecure.

When you don’t hear from him you start assuming it’s because he doesn’t want to remember you and he must be hiding you from some other woman he is chatting up and about to kiss and therefore not thinking about you. Your anxiety gets raised as you don’t want that to happen as it will hurt you.

We all get a bit jittery when in a new relationship that he might stray but once you have dated a few weeks and had the ‘we’re exclusive’ conversation, you should put your fears aside unless there is good reason not to, in which case you should dump him.

The truth is, as another pp said, a guy could text his wife and two seconds later be kissing a woman.

The text to you really proves nothing.

You either have to trust him or not. If your relationship is good and you are both happy he will not stray. The only time he strayed was because your relationship was awful. It’s not awful just now. So trust him.

I’m glad you are going to work on this because without trust you can’t have true love. Your insecurities will eventually grate on him otherwise.

If he texts you once on a night out that would be great but he doesn’t have to. You must get that message across to him, that you’re ok with fewer texts now as your relationship is strong. And not chastise him later if he does what you ask and texts you less and then you grill him as to why so few texts.

You have the power over yourself to be a more trustworthy person.

[Justgivemesomepeace]

You dont trust him. Youve already done the damage. Even if you get couselling, overcome your anxiety, feel relaxed when he's doing his own thing etc, he will always be second guessing his behaviour and trying to preempt your responses and thats no way for him to live. Even years down the line.
I know because I was him once, and my partners behaviour was only a few comments occasionally, nowhere near the extent of yours, but it ruined things. I could never fully relax and adapted my behaviour like second nature to avoid him getting upset about totally innocent things. Its horrible.
You are in such a state over him doing something totally reasonable, how us he supposed to enjoy it knowing how you are feeling?
You are acting totally irrationally and until you really invest some time on yourself and sort this out you are in no place to have a healthy relationship.
Its not easy to 'just trust him' if your mindset is like yours. I dont think you can fix this whilst you are in a relationship, and I think youve probably already done too much damage for this one to recover. Step out. Sort yourself out and have a fresh start later down the line.
He might be being tolerant and supportive now, but thats so damaging to him. This relationship is so tainted, i dont think either of you could genuinely know how you feel about each other, as the whole focus for both of you is trying to keep your feelings on an even keel.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

How did the night go, OP? When you get anxious, how do you manage it? Do you concentrate on your breathing, or on relaxing sets of muscles for example? Just breathing steadily can reduce feelings of anxiety.

[louisas96]

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

How did the night go, OP? When you get anxious, how do you manage it? Do you concentrate on your breathing, or on relaxing sets of muscles for example? Just breathing steadily can reduce feelings of anxiety.

Hey,

Well I told him several times that I didn’t mind if he carried on and had a good night and to not feel pressure to message me. He did continue to message me and the last thing he sent was at 4am to say he’s at his friends house and will probably stay there as his house is a long walk away and it was raining. I know the friends house who he was at too. He hasn’t messaged me this morning at all which I’m starting to feel anxious about, but if he was up all night drinking then I guess he’s sleeping. But as for last night, I did set myself up to be content if he wasn’t to message me.

[louisas96]

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

How did the night go, OP? When you get anxious, how do you manage it? Do you concentrate on your breathing, or on relaxing sets of muscles for example? Just breathing steadily can reduce feelings of anxiety.

I’ve also tried to call him a couple times as I’m getting worried, I’d of usually heard from him by now. But no answer.

[TheSmallAssassin]

Find something else to do! He texted you at 4am so even if he went to sleep straight away he's not had 8 hours to sleep. You need to stop trying to call him, remind yourself that it's going to be OK and go and distract yourself. You need to change your behaviour and the only way to do that is by starting to do something differently, start now!

[4amWitchingHour]

Leave him be - he's definitely going to be sleeping!!

Go and sit in the sunshine with a cup of tea and relax (hoping it's sunny where you are ). This level of contact in a relationship is totally unsustainable. It's not just a bit codependent, it is totally codependent. Please get some more counselling OP.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Sounds to me like your words and your actions are saying different things.

By telling him "several times" that you're happy for him not to get in touch, you're keeping the contact going - and that says clearly that you appreciate the contact continuing!

By calling him, you're leaving missed calls for him to notice, which tells him that you're not handling this lack of contact well.

Listen, if he was still up at 4am, why would you even expect him to be awake yet? You could've woken him with those calls. Personally I hate being woken up before I'm ready. You put your wish for contact before his need for sleep.

If you're serious about getting a handle on your anxiety, you've got to give him space. That means, for example, wait for him to get in touch first when he's been out.

In the meantime, deal with your anxiety yourself - breathing, distractions, journal - not by trying to make him responsible for dealing with it!

[Spied]

I've been where you are and it's a horrible place.
I'm sorry but it really will drive him away.
His friends will also know he has to check in with you and are probably telling him it's not fair on him to have to check in with you every time he's out having fun.
I can see the eye-rolls now if they can hear his phone ringing and I'm sorry to say it but his patience with you will run out.
I think you need to have a chat with him when he contacts you and decide that when he goes out next you have a pact that you don't contact each other until the next day.
By contacting you sporadically he's really feeding your anxiety and constantly waiting for texts isn't healthy.

I'd hate for you to receive a text saying things aren't working out as he can't breathe and enjoy his life without having to be constantly checking his phone for texts from you or clock watching in case he misses an hour when you were expecting a message - as I did!.

[louisas96]

@Spied

I've been where you are and it's a horrible place.
I'm sorry but it really will drive him away.
His friends will also know he has to check in with you and are probably telling him it's not fair on him to have to check in with you every time he's out having fun.
I can see the eye-rolls now if they can hear his phone ringing and I'm sorry to say it but his patience with you will run out.
I think you need to have a chat with him when he contacts you and decide that when he goes out next you have a pact that you don't contact each other until the next day.
By contacting you sporadically he's really feeding your anxiety and constantly waiting for texts isn't healthy.

I'd hate for you to receive a text saying things aren't working out as he can't breathe and enjoy his life without having to be constantly checking his phone for texts from you or clock watching in case he misses an hour when you were expecting a message - as I did!.

What you said is the exact thing I’m worried about. When he wakes up I think I will suggest to him that on future nights out that we don’t contact until the next day, I also messaged and apologised for calling him and just explained I was getting worried. I still haven’t heard from him but if it was me I’d probably still be sleeping now too.

[louisas96]

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Sounds to me like your words and your actions are saying different things.

By telling him "several times" that you're happy for him not to get in touch, you're keeping the contact going - and that says clearly that you appreciate the contact continuing!

By calling him, you're leaving missed calls for him to notice, which tells him that you're not handling this lack of contact well.

Listen, if he was still up at 4am, why would you even expect him to be awake yet? You could've woken him with those calls. Personally I hate being woken up before I'm ready. You put your wish for contact before his need for sleep.

If you're serious about getting a handle on your anxiety, you've got to give him space. That means, for example, wait for him to get in touch first when he's been out.

In the meantime, deal with your anxiety yourself - breathing, distractions, journal - not by trying to make him responsible for dealing with it!

Yeah, when he was contacting me I did continue to reply and maybe I should of just shut it down then and told him I was going to sleep or something. I also didn’t consider before I called him that it hadn’t even been 8 hours yet, I know I need to relax I just overthink so badly at times and find it hard to focus on anything else. When I haven’t heard from him in the morning or afternoon like this, I worry that it’s because he doesn’t want to be with me. However his messages last night would indicate the opposite judging by what he was saying.

[louisas96]

He’s just messaged to say he’s just woken up and is still at his friends house, he also asked how I’m feeling. I’ll get him to call me later and we can have a chat about him not having communication on his nights out

[AnotherBiteMe]

What is it exactly that you are worried about ?