Is he potentially abusive?

[quirkybird3]

Well I've been with my boyfriend for about a year..the other day we were in bed and I turned around and accidentally elbowed him in the nose. He immediately clipped me round the ear...wasn't especially hard but even so.
He has smashed my phone once too on purpose , I can't remember the reason now. And tried to trip me over after an argument as I went to leave.
Do you think this is worrying? He said he'd never hit a woman but I just don't like some of his behaviour.

Massive red flag. He reacted inappropriately to you accidentally hurting him. It would make me think that he could not control himself or that he genuinely thought that was a proportionate response

You should be running for the fucking hills.

I think you already have the same thread under a different title?

Did I just read the same post twice under different names?!

Either way, it’s more than worrying it’s abuse. Just because he says he wouldn’t hit a woman doesn’t mean he’s not abusive

Yes my other email won't work so had to do the post again.

Quirkybird - seriously this guy sounds like bad news. Do you live together?

Hmm yes I do think that clipping me was inappropriate. He didn't even apologise and I didn't say anything just let it go.
It's been playing on my mind since it happened.

What is hitting a woman? What is clipping round the ear if not hitting?

He's already smashed your phone.
He's already hit you clipped you round the ear.
He's already tried to prevent you leaving.

this is the honeymoon period and as good as it gets. HE'S ALREADY ABUSIVE. It will only get worse.

Even just smashing your phone is very worrying in itself. He sounds angry and abusive. I’d get out now if I was you

No we don't live together. I think although he hasn't hit me maybe in future he could and it worries me. Mostly he is really nice to be around but I have noticed he never apologised. He's also broke his own phones when he's mad.

Quirky - most abusive people have a nice side. If they didn’t then nobody would hook up with them in the first place.

He hits women. He's abusive. How much more abuse will you accept?

He says he wouldn’t hit a woman and has hit you - clearly this is an actions >words situation

His automatic violent responses are a huge red flag.
Don't make excuses for him.
Don't waste any more time trying to work out why he is like that.
I can't even think of why a normal, decent man would even say the words, "I'd never hit a woman."

Unfortunately I have met men who think a shove or trip or push or breaking an object is somehow, not abusive.
Abuse is not just a bruise or kick or a raised fist, it is anything that makes you afraid or unsure or changing your behaviour to placate them.
He has given you more than enough reason to doubt your future safety.
Please leave him. Don't be me, or any of the thousands of women on MN who did nothing out of shock or fear or embarrassment or misplaced loyalty.
It is not your fault. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong.
Get out. Get away. Your instincts got you on to MN, listen to your gut. It will save your life and a lifetime of abuse.

Yes I guess he actually did hit me. It hurt. And I hadn't meant to hurt him.
It was a while ago now and I didn't make anything of it, I should have. Just been at the back of my mind since it happened.

Thanks. I guess I had trouble definitely what abuse actually is. There are definitely things that make me wonder about him.
He is pretty neglectful of me generally and doesn't seem to put me first, that bothers me too. I can't really talk to him about my feelings as he dismisses them, says I'm too depressive and I should move on from issues.

Physically abusive. Run for the hills!

Request a domestic violence disclosure under Clare's law.
These seem like red flags to me, x

Freedom Programme. It will resolve your self doubt about what abuse is.

He's already abusive.

Smashing your belongings up is a threat to keep you in line. The only reason he didn't hit you then is because he didn't need to yet. If smashing your stuff up hadn't achieved the control he wanted then he would have escalated to smashing you up until he did.

Abuse is about power and control, not specific acts on a checklist.

You know he isn't a good man. You know what to do. The question is are you going to leave him?

Oh, and you really need to look at what led you to spending a year pursuing a "relationship" with someone who treats you so very badly.

He is pretty neglectful of me generally and doesn't seem to put me first, that bothers me too. I can't really talk to him about my feelings as he dismisses them, says I'm too depressive and I should move on from issues.

Not normal. Not acceptable. Not what a healthy relationship looks like.

It's troubling that this seemed like a good deal to you.

Listen to your gut. She is trying to protect you. Don't doubt your intelligence- if it doesn't feel right something's not right. Good luck ending this and moving on to someone who genuinely cares about you and will protect you, not potentially harm you. 🙏😘

No, he is not potentially abusive.

He is actually abusive, he deliberately hit you.

I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship, sad as that sounds. So I don't have anything to compare it to. Think that's why I have to ask other people.
What does the freedom program involve? Will look into Claire's law. He's on good terms with most of his exes so I don't think he was particularly bad to them. I don't start arguments I'm not the type, but it does seem hard to talk to him properly.
I will leave him I think, we're already not on the best of terms.
The ear clip was quick as a flash he didn't even think about it. Like a reflex.

*broke your phone
*tried to trip you up
*quick to anger and 'retaliate'

• says 'I'd never hit a woman' (lol says every abuser, ever).

You are ALREADY being abused fyi.
Run for the hills.