Awkward conversation with gf,lack of commitment ?

[Specialized101]

Were coming up to 3 years together,dont live together but see each-other regularly and its a mainly good relationship.My kids are independent adults,she has 2 teenagers that mainly live at their fathers house,dd14 is a problem child and a daddys girl, ds13 is a really nice boy.Ex h is a bullying tyrant who recently married the woman he left gf for a decade ago,gf still lives in fear of him and the way hes turned the daughter against gf over the last decade.
Were just back from a lovely holiday together,before I left to go home I mentioned how nice it would be one day if we some day planned a future together so that we didnt just return to our separate lives and she got really angry and defensive at this for some reason which surprised me a lot.She has a history of short relationships that just fizzle out to friends,most likely when the guys want to be more than fwb or just boyfriends going by her reaction.Shes 49 and the only guy shes ever lived with was ex h and only for 5 years until he left her for his now wife.Ive always thought that shes not over him as hes obviously the love of her life and the only guy to ever get her to commit to anything,which makes this weeks rejection harder to digest.
Is she a commitment-phobe,and am I just wasting my time by hoping for something long-term? TBH just by writing this down I can already see the answer...

You're maybe confusing her commitment with an unwillingness to lose her hard won independence.

Someone can be very committed to a partner but will never live with them or anyone else.

@takeanotherchillpill thanks,she is very independent (we both are) but the thought of living separate lives forever really doesn`t appeal to me.

I think you’re both entitled to want something different. It looks like you have to choose her or a relationship with possibilities for living together, sadly.

You're maybe confusing her commitment with an unwillingness to lose her hard won independence

This!

During today shes suggested shed rather let me go than ever consider marriage or ever living together,but still completely loves me and losing me is the last thing she wants to happen.
I feel as though theres more to this story than shes letting on,for her to be so black and white about something that could evolve over time and as her kids grow older.

OP I live by myself. I’ve had one LTR that lasted about 6 years. It ended 5 years ago. It wasn’t a good relationship for me. I’d happily date again and I have. When I’ve dated I’ve been committed and invested. However I know 100% that I will never ever live with anyone again. Never. And that’s no reflection on whoever a partner may be. It’s because when you have overcome a lot to get to where you are you learn to value your privacy and space. My home is my sanctuary. It’s a home that I have created and love. I love my own space, my freedom, the quiet. I know that however deeply I loved someone I’d never want to live full time with them. I suppose you need to consider whether this is a deal breaker for you.

I will never, ever live with a man again. Sorry if that offends! Sounds like your gf is the same. It doesn't necessarily mean she isn't inwardly committed to you, she just likes her own space to relax, sense of freedom and security.

If her ex was/is a nightmare then that is probably part of the reason why she appreciates her own home, space to breathe etc. Living with an arsehole can make you feel trapped- I endured it as a child from my father, then later from a partner, so living alone gives a great sense of freedom from walking on eggshells, living under a cloud etc.

It's not a matter of being a commitment-phobe as such, she just doesn't want to live with someone or otherwise get in a situation where she could be trapped (I'm sure you're not like that, but shacking up with any man is still a risk, and everyone has an 'off' day, which can be hard work if you have to live with the person.)

If you want a relationship with a conventional progression you will have to have it with someone else. As you get older you might meet more women/people who are like this, maybe.

Thanks for the replies all,theyve been very helpful. Thing that stings the most is how black and white about it she is,not even a maybe in a few years when the kids leave homebut straight toId rather let you walk away then ever consider it
Its a relationship ender for me which is a shame as were good for each-other otherwise

@Specialized101

Thanks for the replies all,they`ve been very helpful. Thing that stings the most is how black and white about it she is,not even a `maybe in a few years when the kids leave home` but straight to `I`d rather let you walk away then ever consider it` It`s a relationship ender for me which is a shame as we`re good for each-other otherwise

Then you either need to learn to accept that she doesn't want the same as you and see if you can live like that, or you should end it. You say it's a deal breaker, so you should probably walk away before you invest yourself anymore. She seems unlikely to change her mind, and you, yours.

You are absolutely entitled to want a relationship with a certain level of commitment. If she isn't willing to give you that then she isn't right for you.

I assume that extricating herself from that relationship was difficult and she probably said she'd never put herself in that position again. It's up to you whether you can live with that or not. She's told you who she is. Listen to her

If it’s a deal breaker for you, didn’t you clarify it before you started dating?

Absolutely the same here. Left on my arse with nothing 20 odd years ago. Everything i have now is mine and i would be very, very loathe to give it all up. It's a very hard won independence

I feel the same as your gf. I'm happily married but if that marriage ended for any reason I would never live with another man again. I just much prefer my own space and don't want to compromise the way I live my life for a relationship.

I am sorry for your situation, it's tough.

Living with a man has no benefits for women.

@RantyAnty you are right in general but many women are very happily cohabitating and of course if you have children together it's best you live together (assuming it's a happy relationship).

None of us are going to know the answer to your question; we can all have a good guess but we don't know what she's really feeling. Have you explicitly asked her why? My exH wasn't abusive but he left for another woman and they now live together and 3.5 years on, I'm still feeling weird about it all. The thought of living with someone else, them being in my space, using my things, having to compromise, having to consider someone elses thoughts, wants and needs day and night actually fills me with dread. It's also about trust and finances and the list goes on and on. I really wish I could get over all that and meet someone with whom I could relax and cuddle up to every night but I just can't imagine it happening. But that's just me. I expect she was angry and defensive as she knew at some point the question would be asked. It seems a shame to walk away from someone you love but then if it's what you really want, you can't wait around indefinitely in case one day she changes her mind. I think either you accept what she says and have no expectations or maybe it's time to have a break and a good think about what you want to do. I feel sad for both of you but ultimately, it's your life and you have to do what's right for you.

I've only ever lived with my XH and I won't live with a man again - that's not because I still love him or pine after him but because living with him was traumatic, and I now value my own home and space. I won't compromise having my own home.
You aren't wrong for wanting what you want but show some empathy to her. Don't leap to assuming she loved her ex more than she loves you because she lived with him. Probably the opposite.

It sounds like she is very committed to you already, you've been together 3 years.

What difference does living together and getting married make?
Do you actually want to live together and get married or is it that society makes you think to show commitment you need to live together and marry.

A lot of couples nowadays dont live together or even marry, i find its mainly the over 40's who have usually been married before or had long relationships that dont want to do it again.

Did you talk about this at the start of your relationship?
Did she make it clear then that she didnt want to live with anyone or marry and you thought she would change her mind?

I'm 2 years out of a 17 year emotionally abusive marriage and I cant see me ever living with anyone ever again or getting married.
I'm 39 so some might say I'm too young to make that decision but right now its definitely right for me.

I like my own space and freedom and i cant imagine living with a man and having to discuss finances and housework to make sure we are on the same page. It was stressful before and I'm not willing to put myself in that position again plus i have huge trust issues now and i dont know if i can ever let anyone in that close.

I had planned to be single forever but I've since met someone, it started off as casual sex and now we're in a relationship.
He totally gets where i am coming from and understands.
He has been cheated on and taken advantage of and doesnt want to be in the same position again so we are both cautious.

I have a young adult and a nearly young adult at home and he has a son who is under 10 and we both want homes for our children and their own space and blending families with that age gap wouldnt work anyway.

He did actually say that when his son is in his 20s he would consider living together i told him i didnt know if that would ever happen and he is fine with it.

Ultimately you have to decide if marriage and living together are worth more than having a girlfriend who is committed to you but doesnt want those things

Is this the first time you have brought up living together OP?

For a relationship of 3 years I would have thought the topic may be popped up somewhere along the way. You seemed shocked that she doesn't want to live together, so during this time have you got the impression she may have wanted to, or has she always made it clear that it probably won't?

I am the same age as your gf, also had a similar sounding marriage and no, I wouldn't consider living with anyone again either. In fact I did just leave a relationship for this very reason.

But I made it clear that this is how I felt, but I think he thought I would change my mind along the way.
Is this what is maybe happening here?

I am in a similar situation to most of the other posters who have had to fight for their independence, and it's not something that I could just give up. So yes, in a nutshell its trumping a relationship. It seems the common denominator here is being very hurt, but got through it but it's not an easy road.

She has told you to walk away if that's not what you want. So the ball is in your court now. It's a tough one yes, but is it really a big surprise?

Another one of the same vintage with a similar (bad) experience over a decade ago. I do value independence because it makes me feel safe. Not in any hurry to let it go. I can value a relationship though. I can love somebody and be loved. But merging finances - terrifying.

There’s another similar thread at the moment. Everyone was in favour of the woman ending the relationship.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh your not always going to discuss living arrangements in the early days. I still think 3 years to date is not really that long. Who would live with who? Would you be willing to move in with her OP? I can understand how you don’t want live in separate houses forever but it may not be that way.

She has a history of short relationships that just fizzle out to friends, most likely when the guys want to be more than fwb or just boyfriends going by her reaction. So you don’t actually know the reasons for any of these short relationships ending? You’re assuming that it’s all down to her that they haven’t worked out because she doesn’t share your vision of where you want your relationship to be? Can you hear yourself?

Ive always thought that shes not over him as hes obviously the love of her life and the only guy to ever get her to commit to anything,which makes this weeks rejection harder to digest. Obviously, it’s completely understandable that you’d be upset that she doesn’t want to live with you or get married and you’re completely entitled to decide what’s a deal breaker in your relationships. You should be happy and I’d walk away too if I was in your shoes. It’s shit for you, but it’s almost as though you’ve removed her and her reasons from the equation and have turned it into a pissing contest between you and her ex husband. It doesn’t mean that she loves you less because she lived with him and not you. It just means that she went through such a tough time that she doesn’t ever want to put herself in that position again. Walk away by all means, but rather than choosing to believe that it ended because she’s still hung up on her ex, listen to what she’s actually saying.

Thanks again everybody.
We spoke about the future together about 6 months in when things were going really well with her children,she thought she might have been pregnant at the time and we excitedly projected collectively that in the future it would be a natural evolution to live together and get married.
We live different sides of a large city, and to keep living out of suitcases at each others homes forever just seems ridiculous to me.

@Sn0tnose Im just surmising tbh-shes had many relationships that only last a few years and has never lived with a partner in 30 years apart from exh for 5 years,so id imagine that its been an issue previously.
Relationship before me was very similar,they apparently outgrew each other but remain friends so Im presuming that he wanted to plan a future with her so she bailed on him. She wont elaborate though so it`s just an educated guess.