Awkward conversation with gf,lack of commitment ?

[Specialized101]

Were coming up to 3 years together,dont live together but see each-other regularly and its a mainly good relationship.My kids are independent adults,she has 2 teenagers that mainly live at their fathers house,dd14 is a problem child and a daddys girl, ds13 is a really nice boy.Ex h is a bullying tyrant who recently married the woman he left gf for a decade ago,gf still lives in fear of him and the way hes turned the daughter against gf over the last decade.
Were just back from a lovely holiday together,before I left to go home I mentioned how nice it would be one day if we some day planned a future together so that we didnt just return to our separate lives and she got really angry and defensive at this for some reason which surprised me a lot.She has a history of short relationships that just fizzle out to friends,most likely when the guys want to be more than fwb or just boyfriends going by her reaction.Shes 49 and the only guy shes ever lived with was ex h and only for 5 years until he left her for his now wife.Ive always thought that shes not over him as hes obviously the love of her life and the only guy to ever get her to commit to anything,which makes this weeks rejection harder to digest.
Is she a commitment-phobe,and am I just wasting my time by hoping for something long-term? TBH just by writing this down I can already see the answer...

As pps have said, don't assume this is because she is hung up on her ex in anyway.

I have a history of short relationships post divorce- it'sbecause the minute a man starts making noises about moving in together, we finish. I do not want to live with a man. I want dating and great sex and my own space and independence and money. If you can't handle her not wanting to move in, end it, but don't be resentful she won't change.

Plus when exh left her, he left for another woman and walked away with nothing,so she never had to fight for the house or her independence at all.
As far as Im aware shes paid the mortgage on her own since then.

OP, I had 3 long term relationships and basically lived with boyfriends for most of my adult life but I will never live with a man again. One, I wouldn't want my kids to have to live with someone who isn't their parent and two, teenage years are hard enough to navigate when you love them and have given birth to them, to add another non blood related adult into the mix would just make everything worse.

And three, I want my relationship to just be about fun, sex, talking, making time to spend with each other focussed. I don't want to sit bored on the sofa next to a man who's annoyed the hell out of me because he's not done his fair share of housework, or not be able to go our with my girlfriends because he's going to be annoyed at me going out, or me upset because he's gone out with his mates rather than spend the evening with me etc.

So the way I see it, I work, spend time with my kids, my friends, my sport and then when I see my boyfriend, we completely focus on each other and it is great, and an event. Because we both have kids there is no need to mix households. I'm not saying in the future, when the kids have left home, we may live together but not for many years. I don't fee anything less for him than I did with the exes that I lived with and I would certainly never want any of them back.

Hang on - in your first post you describe her ex-husband as a 'bullying tyrant' who she lives in fear of still - and in subsequent updates, you are laying the blame on her saying he wanted to plan a future so she bailed.

Seems to me like you don't understand how abuse can impact someone, if she is still scared of him, why on earth do you think she would risk getting trapped into a living situation with ANY man ever again?

That you don't seem to understand this and are being petulant because she has laid her cards out on the table suggests to me she is 100% right not to want to consider moving in with you. Not to mention living together is way more than just spending a lot of time together as I'm sure you know.

End things if you really can't get on board with not living together, but sounds like she hardly needs another bully in her life trying to get her to change her life to suit their needs.

Oh actually apologies I misread and it was another ex she outgrew. The point still stands though that if she’s had such a terrible experience with her ex h that is ongoing she’s hardly likely to take that sort of risk again.

It does seem crazy to keep visiting each other for ever. That would become very hard to do in old age, for a start. It sounds like you want different things-she wants to date and you want a conventional home set up. What a pity. I don't think she has enough to offer you long term.

Plus when exh left her, he left for another woman and walked away with nothing,so she never had to fight for the house or her independence at all.
As far as Im aware shes paid the mortgage on her own since then.

I think you are misding the point, no one said she had to fight for her house or her independence, what the majority are saying is that she values her independence (after being in a crap relationship) and why would she want to change that.

Its not you, it could be anyone, she doesnt want to live with a man again and who can blame her.
She lets her guard down once and lives with someone expecting a happy ever after and its not been that so of course she wont want to do it again.

Her saying about living together and marrying when she had a pregnancy scare is usual because you would want to have a family unit for a baby and was considering the future.

Its perfectly fine to live out of a suitcase, presumably its a few days here and there, we arent talking weeks at a time surely.
Even when you are older you can visit each other and stay over.

If your only reason to live together is so you dont have to live out of a suitcase when you visit then its no wonder she doesnt want to live with you.

@Specialized101

During today she`s suggested she`d rather let me go than ever consider marriage or ever living together,but still completely loves me and losing me is the last thing she wants to happen. I feel as though there`s more to this story than she`s letting on,for her to be so black and white about something that could evolve over time and as her kids grow older.

I think she likes things just as they are. Plenty of people have relationships in which they do not live together but are fully committed, spend plenty of time and have holidays, etc, each retaining their own home. There is a lot to be said for that.

You talk about something evolving over time; if you are happy with her, why not let things evolve naturally. If you really are looking for someone to live with, it isn't her at the moment.

OP, you describe her abused 14 year old daughter as "a problem child".

I'm glad you won't be moving in.

@soundslikeclouds Where does it say that dd14 is abused ?!? She most definitely isn't abused at all,spoilt more like.
She is a problem child in a brattish way,the exh completely spoils her which is why she mostly lives with him

He's abusing her.

You've described abuse here.

You just don't recognise it as abuse.

Instead you label the child as completely spoilt, most definitely not abused, and a problem.

Very strange interpretation of abuse there.
So her Mother telling her off also counts as abuse presumably?

Hm I can't say I was impressed by the way you referred to her children.
'Problem child' 'spoilt' etc.
Wouldn't want you as 'stepfather' either tbh.

She is prob scared of it happening again and she'll be back to square one. If you up and leave her then she may be thinking at least she won't have to deal with the 'moving out' shit and then having to get used to living alone again.

@Destroyedpeople I take your point,but it's also the same description that everyone in their family has of her,and for the sake of context it's accurate.

OP - all you can really decide is if this is a deal breaker for you and act accordingly

Plenty of people want to live together at some point. Some dont.

You dont have to make any decisions yet of course but no point staying if you’re hope is she will change her mind.

So you just parrot what other people say without really thinking about what your words mean? And dismiss out of hand that there might be reasons for bad behaviour.
Ok.
Not surprised your gf doesn't want to move in with you tbh.

Op, I feel the exact same way about living with someone else. I am a year in with my partner and I'm 💯 committed. I really wanted to live with my previous partner but I am so glad I didn't! My whole viewpoint has changed and I like my own space, time and independence.
My partner agrees it's the best for our relationship but I think he would like to live together eventually. I hope I change my mind in time I guess.

Why do you want to live together?

How will your life be different if you lived together?

Specialised I feel your pain, I'm you, but a female! My 3.5yr relationship I ended a week ago due to feeling like I've been strung along. Difference is mine has said he does what I want, we just can't get to the sit down and discuss point and I've had enough.
I think you'll probably know beong realistic wether you're happy to settle with things as they are, or not. It's one of the hardest things I've done tbh knowing like you we were an amazing couple minus this. I wish you luck