Calling up her ex during trial separation

[DaveJones1]

Hi guys,
I need some perspective, my wife and I had a trial separation a few weeks ago after a year of unhappiness. It was my idea (she didn't want to) and I was hoping that time apart would give us both some perspective, to either reunite or go our separate ways, whichever made us happier.
We agreed some rules, no dating, if anyone asks it's a mutually agreed break from each other and don't go telling everyone, simples.
Anyway I returned last week and we had 5 amazing days of 'like old times', until I saw some texts on her phone from her ex boyfriend (a few days before I returned, I asked who she had told and she left her ex out of the list). She told him we had split up and suggested meeting for coffee, he mentioned showing her a scar on his dingdong and that was it. This guy tried contacting her for years, random texts, phone calls at 2am and she always defended him saying he's just a friend despite them being together for 2 years. Anyway after 8 years (last year) I finally snapped and said she either block him or I'm leaving, and so she did.

Immediately I started freaking out because she not only told someone we we had 'split up', but told her ex boyfriend of all people, and I didn't find out until after I had returned. And it had to be THIS GUY again, ffs. Yesterday I also discovered she has changed all her passwords and locked her phone. I'm freaking out now and not sure if I'm being a paranoid mess or not, if there was nothing to hide then why lock the phone? She's adamant that she has never met up with him, and we have 2 small children together so there is a lot riding on this. But I just can't shake this feeling of paranoia and insecurity, I've always trusted her but the trust feels broken now... What would you do/think?

I should probably add, in our first year together her ex bf was saved as Alison on her phone and they kept in constant contact while I was oblivious. She swore blind she thought it really was her friend Alison and promptly deleted all the messages before I could see them all. I had forgotten about that until this recent event... Somebody please give me some opinions 😭

She's shown herself to be untrustworthy. It doesn't mean she's a bad person but it does mean you can't trust her. The kind of dishonesty you describe can be related to low self esteem, or past trauma or it can just mean she lacks integrity or is narcissistic. Whatever the reason, it can be worked through but only you can say whether it's worth saving or not.

Have you tried marriage counselling? It might give you some clarity.

By the way, why were you unhappy and wanting to separate?

She has quickly shown you she was not taking the break as seriously as you.
The ex is definitely not a friend, that is clear with her shady behaviour of hiding him under a different name and him talking about his dick. She enjoys the attention from him at the very least.

So you wanted break, she didn't, but the rules were not to tell everyone (how did you decide who could be told and who couldn't? Was there a list?) and she had to say it was mutual when it wasn't (so you won't look like the bad guy?). Then you come back and check up on who she'd told (policing her?).

How did you happen to see these texts on her phone? By chance or were you checking up on her, despite the fact everything seemed great?

Contacting the ex that she had such a history with wasn't great, but if my dh had decided he wanted a break and imposed those rules on me, I'd have gone straight for an ego boost too.

I'd also be interested to know who child care was arranged after you left on this 'break' you wanted, but wanted to keep so secret?

Wait - YOU asked her for a break, that SHE didn't want, that YOU put 'rules' in place for, and now YOU'RE not happy that she got in touch with an old friend that YOU previously banned her from contacting?

Did she cheat on you before with him? Or was it a fear of your insecure jealousy that caused her to change his name on her phone? In all the time since they broke up she moved on, to you, you got married and settled down, and you're now adamant that - what? She contacted an old friend whilst you were split up? She broke one of your 'rules' during a break-up that you demanded?

I think this has more to do with you having your cake and not liking the taste of it rather than an issue with her contacting a very old ex boyfriend.

Maybe you both need to have a think if you want to make this break a permanent one. You don't trust her, perhaps never have because you're jealous/insecure about her ex. She maybe realised that she doesn't have to stick to your dictated rules during a trial separation, and actually she doesn't need to obey your rules even if you stay married.

I'm in touch with several exes on social media. My ex husband went nuts when I got back in contact with my first ever boyfriend (I was 12 ffs) and gave the same reaction as you are. I hid exboyf name in my phone despite there being absolutely zero chance of anything going on.

Ten years after divorce (emotional abuse finally got too much for me to bear, sound familiar?) and my current dp knows I am in contact with and occasionally meet up with 2 of my exes, and they know a fair bit about my current life. He is secure enough in our relationship to know I'm not cheating on him so doesn't give me grief about meeting any of my friends.

Because he's not a dick.

So you didn’t want to be with her and she begged you to stay but you got to decide that she couldn’t see anyone else while you decided whether to you wanted her or not?....

Also this quote is very relevant here (for her)....
“Don’t make someone your priority if they are only making you an option.”

Thank you for your responses. Yes it was me that decided we needed time apart, we had a very rough year leading up to it. She had depression for 4 years and refused to get help, I asked for couples counselling but she refused, in the end I went to counselling myself. I didn't give up easily believe me, and she acknowledges that she made my life hell during that time (yes I had my faults too).
The rules were mutually agreed I didn't force anything, and keeping it quiet from people wasnt for my benefit (or my idea) but hers, I was happy to tell people but she didn't want my family or friends knowing so I spent the time apart hiding from everyone and getting my head together. Probably why it stung so much reading the messages.

I lost feelings for her last year, I was open and honest about it, I wantedto leave but instead tried my best to work on it. I read so many posts about how to rekindle things but nothing worked, time apart was my last option.

Oh, you can't have it both ways - I want a trial separation, but you can't do anything to get support or tell anyone." What a horrible thing to do to her.

You're unhappy, you don't trust her, and you're locked in to policing and controlling behaviours of her. Time to do both of you a favour and end the relationship.

If you break up with her, she needs all the support she can get. She can be open with whoever she wants regarding the when, how and why.

You don't get to tell her that you don't want her, but she can't have anyone else either.

And there is no such thing as a trial separation. You're together or not.

Again, I was happy for people to know, I'm not a monster.

She probably didn’t want to tell anyone as she felt so hurt and was hoping you’d change your mind OP.

The “rules” were a ridiculous idea as it’s clear that you are the one who wanted the separation. You were each free to choose who you saw in that time apart. She was extremely vulnerable and hurting.

On a side note- her relationship with her ex would concern me if she’s hiding his name in her phone etc.

"Time to do both of you a favour and end the relationship."

^This.

RIP of the plaster, your attempt by shocking her into shaping up has backfired because she has a default mode which isn’t compatible with your values.

Get of the merry go round.

I wouldn't know where to start with this. She had depression, you have trust issues, she is deceptive, you told her you list feelings and want a trial separation...she is obviously going to turn to someone who has consistently been interested in her?

PPs- she wasn't just chatting to her 'friend' in a friendly way, they were flirting to the extent he said he'd show her a scar on his cock.

This while OP and his wife had agreed the time apart was to consider their marriage. They were still in a relationship when she did it.

She had also previously hidden contact with this guy for years.

I wouldn't necessarily say that the OP has trust issues.

I would consider trust issues to be a thing when someone is paranoid for no reason.

His wife kept in constant contact with her ex for the first year they were together, saved his name in her phone as Alison and then deleted all the messages so he couldn't see them.
He then kept sending random messages and phoning her at 2am and he put it with it for 8 years until he finally said enough was enough.

If a man was keeping in contact with his ex like that then 99% of posters would say it was wrong and suspicious and that he clearly had feelings for her.

Let's say she's forgiven for all of that, I can also see why she might have been in turmoil during the break and contacted someone who would make her feel better. People do that kind of stuff. It doesn't make her a bad person, but the consequences of that can be awful if you then get back together with your partner. Of course there is going to be trust issues!! Not even necessarily that she would cheat, but that she still has feelings for him or is keeping him as a back up plan!

I don’t think wife is at fault here, it was your choice to have a break and maybe she just felt lonely and insecure.

Step off that roundabout.

Neither of you is making the other happy, it seems.

So be honest and start living a happier life.

Yeah there are so many endless stories of deadbeat terrible husbands on Mumsnet. I really don't think OP is one of them.

It just sounds like the end of the line for you as a couple. She's refused marriage counselling and refused to get treatment for her depression. What are you supposed to do?

You have two small children together?! How on earth is it okay to enforce a trial separation in those circumstances? What did sickness and health mean to you when you said your vows? FFS, now you're freaking out?! How the hell do you think she felt when you forced the separation on her? How on earth did your children feel??

Did you care?

You don't get to just swan off for a marriage break and expect her to pine after you until you come back. You made your bed. Lie in it and work on the problems, or leave her and let her move on. Don't spend time trying to make sure that she's fixated on you whenever you choose to abandon her again.

And 'dingdong'? You're married. I'm assuming you're an adult.

@Crystalspider

She has quickly shown you she was not taking the break as seriously as you. The ex is definitely not a friend, that is clear with her shady behaviour of hiding him under a different name and him talking about his dick. She enjoys the attention from him at the very least.

I Hate people who say simples. If you have a trial separation and are not together then she can talk to whoever she wants as you are separated. But... She can actually talk to whoever she wants anyway. If you don't like that then it's your choice to stay or leave. Personally when my ex wouldn't stop meeting and texting his ex gf, I couldn't stop him but I hated it so I left. And telling her to keep the separation secret from everyone is bullshit. Again, she can tell whoever she wants and get support from wherever she wants. And finally...ding dong??? Wtf? Are you five? Seriously you don't sound old enough for a girlfriend, let alone a marriage

You sound like the living incarnation of that Beautiful South song, I Need a Little Time. This relationship sounds awful. Just split up. And stop saying simples. It makes you sound like a half wit.

It’s not sounding good to be honest; I don’t know how you can trust her and her motivation for contacting him doesn’t suggest good things for your relationship