Calling up her ex during trial separation

[DaveJones1]

Hi guys,
I need some perspective, my wife and I had a trial separation a few weeks ago after a year of unhappiness. It was my idea (she didn't want to) and I was hoping that time apart would give us both some perspective, to either reunite or go our separate ways, whichever made us happier.
We agreed some rules, no dating, if anyone asks it's a mutually agreed break from each other and don't go telling everyone, simples.
Anyway I returned last week and we had 5 amazing days of 'like old times', until I saw some texts on her phone from her ex boyfriend (a few days before I returned, I asked who she had told and she left her ex out of the list). She told him we had split up and suggested meeting for coffee, he mentioned showing her a scar on his dingdong and that was it. This guy tried contacting her for years, random texts, phone calls at 2am and she always defended him saying he's just a friend despite them being together for 2 years. Anyway after 8 years (last year) I finally snapped and said she either block him or I'm leaving, and so she did.

Immediately I started freaking out because she not only told someone we we had 'split up', but told her ex boyfriend of all people, and I didn't find out until after I had returned. And it had to be THIS GUY again, ffs. Yesterday I also discovered she has changed all her passwords and locked her phone. I'm freaking out now and not sure if I'm being a paranoid mess or not, if there was nothing to hide then why lock the phone? She's adamant that she has never met up with him, and we have 2 small children together so there is a lot riding on this. But I just can't shake this feeling of paranoia and insecurity, I've always trusted her but the trust feels broken now... What would you do/think?

and you talked to zero women during those few weeks away?

Sounds to me @DaveJones1 you had your head turned by someone.
You left ( which explains the don't tell anybody)
It didn't go in your favour.
And your wife didn't just sit at home and pine for you.

You sound controlling OP, I am not surprised by her actions really.

If you were my DH and wanted a "trial seperation" but wouldn't let me "talk to anyone" or "see anyone" - I'd have given you divorce papers. You got what you wanted a seperation how dare you control who she sees or what she does in that time.
It's like putting a worm on a hook and watching it twist -you do everything I want and then I will decide if I want to be with you. Fuck off.

My ex once moved out had a contract for me to sign to move back in -I would sleep in a different room and wouldn't enter a room if the door was shut -idiot that I was at the time considered it -I did have a newborn etc -but controlling behaviour is just that.

Leave her find someone better than you that treats her as an equal.

You sound unhinged. Your post title says “calling up her ex” but the post only refers to messages sent. Also she didn’t go around telling everybody, she told the ex, who is not in your group circle.

You instigated the separation because you “lost feelings” for your partner - so this suggests a disconnected relationship. I dare say she wanted an ego boost, to feel wanted? This doesn’t mean reaching out to an ex is the right decision for the marriage, but it indicates something essential is lacking in the relationship.

When you say she didn’t want the separation, why is that? Is it because she says she loves you, or was it more practical reasons like lifestyle reasons?

Unfortunately, if you left fir a trial separation because you no linger have feelings for your wife - please just stop and consider who would feel lack of trust. You broke your relationship at that point. Temporary or not, you left your marriage. You left your side with two small children. Once you leave, cross that barrier, it becomes easier to do it again.

Sorry but I think you’re looking for a reason to justify leaving her. To create blame. That it’s her fault you’re leaving (again).

Additionally, she’s have been wise to change all her passwords and to start getting all her ducks in a row, to be prepared, for when you leave her for good.

Thank you for the insight everyone, be I appreciate it. I guess I need to accept some responsibility in this and get over it.

I appreciate it

Second another poster: you need to listen to 'a little time' by The Beautiful South.

Nails the scenario. It's time to move on. When you start playing games it's the beginning of the end. And make no mistake, a trial separation is a head fuck intended to make someone miss you, looks like it backfired.

Try not to be a dick when you divorce. You've got two kids remember.

Well however you look at it now, this marriage is going to need serious steps taken to get anywhere near back to normal. And just to put it out there, had I been in her position, I would have changed all of my passwords and codes too. Sharing those things is an act of trust between married people that no spouse is automatically entitled to. So don't waste any of your time trying to convince her to tell you the new codes, because you don't deserve them. The trust left with you the day you 'separated' and it won't magically reappear, you'll have to work on the new foundations of your marriage now.

We agreed some rules, no dating, if anyone asks it's a mutually agreed break from each other and don't go telling everyone, simples
So you agreed she would lie since you said it was your decision. Hard to believe she'd be forthcoming with these.

It does sound like you made up rules, told them to her and expected her to agree because it suited you. She didn't agree.

The whole point of being separated, trial or otherwise, is that you find out what life would look like without each other.

Clearly in her case, it might soon be filled with someone else. You may not like it, but that's hardly her fault. (And I would say the same if you had reconnected with someone.)

It's almost like you wanted her to stay exactly the same during this trial separation, whilst you took time out to reevaluate. If you banked on her being there waiting for you with open arms it rather misfired didn't it.

@dontdisturbmenow

We agreed some rules, no dating, if anyone asks it's a mutually agreed break from each other and don't go telling everyone, simples So you agreed she would lie since you said it was your decision. Hard to believe she'd be forthcoming with these.

It does sound like you made up rules, told them to her and expected her to agree because it suited you. She didn't agree.

I can't even see how these rules are simple. For a lot of people, lying isn't simple. So it's not acceptable to insist that she does this.