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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this get any better?

21 replies

Noconceptofnormal · 17/07/2020 22:21

Two weeks ago my husband walked out on me, he has met someone else. Even if I wanted to be does not want to reconcile, for him it is over.

We have very young children together. I am so shocked and so heartbroken.

Sometimes it consumes me so much I can't breathe. Sometimes I feel like I can't actually continue with this level of pain, but of course I do because of the kids.

Has anyone else been here? I know objectively it must get better but right now I'm in hell and it would be useful to hear from those who've come out the other side.

PS I am getting counselling, I have RL support, but not with anyone who's had this experience.

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 17/07/2020 22:26

Sorry op Thanksthat sounds devastating. Sending hugs. Time heals everything, I've had lots of shitty relationships but I'm really happy now, I'm actively choosing to be single.

Only advice is 'this too shall pass'.

Itsallpointless · 17/07/2020 22:52

Hi OP. I've not been in this situation, but I have been heartbroken, that was bad enough. You are grieving the relationship, it is a huge loss for you, and what you are experiencing is very normal.

I can only say that, and I know it's a clichè, but time is a great healer. Your world is in pieces, but it will get better.

Please talk, and talk and talk some more. Come on here and vent, just don't let it fester inside.Thanks

LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 22:53

I have not lived your exact experience, no.im sorry .
But I have felt rejected, abandoned , isolated , scared. I've had days of panic attacks because I felt life would never get better. I have relied on people who have let me down, I have begged God to end my life, to make everything just not hurt for ten minutes.

And I'm through it.

And I'm safe and I'm happy.

And you will be one day , you will be. You just have to keep going .

Xxxxxxxx

Original poster
Noconceptofnormal · 17/07/2020 22:58

Thank you all, it's so nice of you to comment x

OP posts:
LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 23:03

You are in hell, we know what that's like. I'm sorry. He's a bastard doing that to you .

user18522478987665 · 17/07/2020 23:04

Two weeks is very, very raw still. It won't always be this painful. You're grieving, you're in shock. Both will change as time goes on.

I know it sounds shit but if you can just focus on getting yourself through each hour or day for now it will give your body and mind time to start processing and healing. Gradually you will notice as you look back that things have changed over time. It gets a little easier then to hold more hope for the future.

Take care.

LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 23:09

Use this space to talk, vent , whatever. It's what it's there for. No judgement. Nothing but listening.

MyLifeWTF · 17/07/2020 23:23

Sorry you are going through this OP, I've been there, it hurts and it seems like it will always hurt and you will never no think about it, but one day it just happens, you dont think about, life goes on and you all of a sudden realise it's been a while since you last felt that pain and then you feel good and you know the storm has passed. For every one bad day there is two good days.

You dont see it now but I promise you its on the horizon. X

copperoliver · 17/07/2020 23:56

So sorry hope you're okay. Of course you are upset now but one day you will see he has done you a favour. If he is that callous and nasty to move on from his family. You don't need or want someone like that.
You have your two wonderful children concentrate on them and you will get better. Your children are better than any medicine they will make you feel better and each week your life will get better. X

WhatInTheHell · 18/07/2020 00:58

I'm in the same position as you OP, I'm just further down the line (although not by much). I've changed a lot within the months since he left me. I've grown as a person way more than I ever could have imagined. I believe that without all the pain he has thrown at me, I'd have never been the person I'm becoming.

You have to go through some things to realise how strong you really are. Even now, 5 months in he does things to wind me up or hurt me. I know it's intentional on his behalf. I stopped biting to him and just tried to be nice when necessary. Ive avoided speaking to him unless it was to do with the children.

You'll soon realise how much he really isn't worth the tears or the upset. Please make yourself a priority, it sounds selfish but if you aren't happy how do you expect your children to be? They pick up on everything, my DC were a reflection of my feelings in the beginning.

Things will get thrown at you that you might think you can't deal with in the moment. But believe me, it's all to build your character and show you who you have the power to become. Pity him, he's left your kids and a wife for someone who's a bit of 'fun' for the moment. That won't last forever, the honeymoon period will end and reality will set in. Just hold your head high knowing you could never treat someone in such a manner.

Believe in yourself OP and you'll prosper. If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to message me. It's always better to know you're not alone (unfortunately) and that others have gone through this too. Thanks

NativeAustralian · 18/07/2020 08:15

I'm only a week in,but I'm devastated. I ended it because I couldn't take the fighting but I didnt realise the impact it would have on me. The empty days are horrendous and I cant imagine ever being happy again. You are not alone.

Original poster
Noconceptofnormal · 18/07/2020 08:47

Thank you all for your replies, it's so nice of you.

copper yes I am trying to see that. What he has done is so unforgivable. I'm just so sad that literally every other kid I know right now has a two parent household and mine now won't. It's killing me to think that I chose someone to marry who would do this, I just can't get my head round it.

whatinthehell thank you, I am so sorry you are in this unfortunate situation. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear your words. I really appreciate your offer to message you, it is useful to speak to someone in the same boat. In my social circle everyone is in a lovely two parent family and I can't believe I'm going to be the first one to be divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noconceptofnormal · 18/07/2020 08:52

native Flowers it is awful isn't it. It's a pain I've never experienced.

It's worse than a death in a way as I am also dealing with betrayal and the bitter bitter disappointment that he is this person and not someone fundamentally decent.

I have to keep reminding myself that it could be worse and I could have a child who's sick or who had died,it still could be worse.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 18/07/2020 09:17

From what you have written I gather this was unexpected ? In that case you have extra pain to bear as you had the carpet pulled from underneath you . I would suggest you read the book Runaway Husbands as it talks so clearly about this situation. There is a website too but get the book. It will be the best money you ever spend.
www.runawayhusbands.com

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/07/2020 09:22

Do remember that your DC still have two parents. I was the first to divorce in my set of friends. There were others. My DC struggle with having two houses but they have definitely benefited in that they actually seem to spend more time with their dad now that he has to schedule it in than they did before.

It's going to get easier. But I can't imagine how you're feeling. Flowers

mummyofgirls123 · 18/07/2020 09:31

It absolutely does get better with time.. My children's dad walked out on me when our oldest was 2 and I was pregnant with our second child.. I've done everything by myself he doesn't contribute a penny to his children and doesn't bother with them. He has a new family now so their obviously more important... On the plus side I'm in a much happier place and with a new partner and my kids are happy and that's all that matters is their happiness..
Op you will be happy again, it takes time but you WILL get there SmileThanks

Original poster
Noconceptofnormal · 18/07/2020 22:16

Thanks for your replies, it's so full on to reply whilst kids awake.

stuffedpenguin yes it was a complete shock and the pain of that makes it so much harder to process. that recommendation looks really useful, thanks so much, it looks very accurate, even down to his opening gambit ('I can't do this anymore').

Thanks Charlottecollins yes I do need to remember that but I'm grieving for the 'normal' childhood I hoped they'd have.

mummyofgirls wow that is harsh, thanks for your sharing your experience, it doesn't get much harder than that.

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 18/07/2020 22:26

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been where you are and it's absolutely shattering.
I say this on every thread about infidelity but please read or listen to 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' from the Chumplady website www.chumplady.com. It will really help.
I'd also recommend that you read a recent thread on here which I will try and find the link for, there is tons of valuable advice on there. It's titled something like 'husband's affair advice please'.

PicsInRed · 18/07/2020 23:09

It's worse than a death in a way as I am also dealing with betrayal and the bitter bitter disappointment that he is this person and not someone fundamentally decent.

It is worse than a death as your husband has effectively died and been replaced with a malevolent stranger who you must hand your children over to. It's beyond horrific.

It gets better, really it does. It was about 3 months before I felt "normal" again (still sad, but normal again). I found that light sleeping pills from the GP helped over the first couple of weeks with sleeping and eating. Its amazing how much better you will cope will a full stomach and a proper night's sleep on board. There are low dose antidepressants they can prescribe after that if you need them. 💐💐💐

Original poster
Noconceptofnormal · 19/07/2020 09:47

needhelp thanks for the Chump Lady recommendation, that looks very helpful.

I did also have a look at that thread but I suppose I even feel envious of that woman's situation as at least on some level her husband wants to make their marriage work on some level where as mine categorically won't even consider it, so there's that level of rejection as well, that basically he wants to escape our relationship at all costs even with everything he has to lose.

picsinred yes that is such an accurate description, I feel like he has been replaced by someone I don't know. Obviously he had his faults but I always believed that he was a fundamentally decent person and we shared the same values about basic decency and parenting, I'd have never married him if I didn't. I can't get my head around how he is behaving.

OP posts:
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