Confused if consensual or not (trigger warning)

[LornaScotland]

Apologies if I have posted this on the wrong board.

I was hoping to get some advice. I have posted on here before a couple of times but under a different name!

I would also like to say I am so sorry if this upsets anyone. You will see why I am slightly confused by this.

I currently live with my DP. We have been together 4 years. No kids. We are both 29.

I had quite a bit to drink last weekend on the Saturday. To a point I was in bed by around 10pm for a Saturday, that's not like me...! When I say a bit to drink, I'd had at least a bottle of wine, also some rum and coke, to a point my head was spinning and I was slurring my words.

Not proud of getting into that state, not like me. I've had stress from all corners at the moment. Work (could be made redundant due to COVID), family, money worries.

DP comes up to bed when he realises I have disappeared from the front room, we start kissing which is consensual (this is where I get confused) I pretty much welcomed the sex part, we start having sex, half way through (I know, he does last a while ) I pretty much close my eyes and tried to go to sleep, my head is spinning and I feel myself passing out.... I know I fell asleep. But he continues and finishes...

I hate to say it's happened just another 2 times before.

I am confused by this because it started off as consensual so surely he has done nothing wrong?

Although I didn't fight to get him off, probably because I was so so tired/ out of it!

Any thoughts welcomed and I hope I have explained this well enough.

Thank you so much x

Why did you try to go to sleep with him still inside you/having sex?

I was so drunk @Splitsunrise I must have just passed out.

It is not your fault that this happened, the responsibility here for he continuing to have sex after you fell asleep is all his.

I would talk to Rape Crisis when you are able to do so. You were drunk and he carried on having sex without your full consent when you properly started to feel the effects of the alcohol consumed. He basically raped you and now for a third time to your knowledge. You need to consider your own future within this relationship now; don't think there will not be a 4th time. He probably would not like to imagine that he is a rapist either and sees himself as a fully paid up member of society but that is what he really is.

Unconscious people can't consent so no, once you lost consciousness and fell asleep the act ceases to be consensual. I'm sorry this has happened, so you feel able to discuss it with him? Have you seen the Consent is like Tea video? It helps explain things really easily.
I hope you are OK xx

Was he drunk too?
If you welcomed it from the start then how could he know it was wrong, if he wasnt drunk and saw you go to sleep, then he should of been more respectful. If it bothers you, don't get yourself this drunk again so you are aware of whats happening and tell him while your sober not to have sex with you while your drunk as it upsets you.

In law, sexual consent is when we agree by choice, and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

That means that someone cannot give their consent when they are:
scared or threatened
bullied
very drunk or under the influence of drugs
asleep

Thank you so much everyone. I will watch the Tea Video on YouTube.

I'll be honest, this happened to me, I wasn't drunk though, just knackered and knew what was going on. I wasn't at all bothered by it but DH was nearly in tears when he realised I'd fallen asleep and stopped. He was really shaken the next day.

Only happened once as DH is uncomfortable.

Even if you participated at first, it's a bit weird for someone to keep having sex with an unconscious person. Also, you can't consent when you are unconscious.
Don't listen to the idiots on their high horse telling you not to drink so much, and to tell your partner not to have sex with you when your drunk, because it upsets you. That's bullshit.

Thanks @SnuggyBuggy

What is even worse is there is no 'feeing bad' after.

And the fact that it happened multiple times is worrying. Once is potentially a mistake but not several times.

You say it started off consensual and it might've kind of, but really even though you felt like you were up for it, you weren't in a state where you could've fully consented as you were so out of it. Your DP was aware of how much you'd had to drink, and shouldn'tve shagged you when you were really plastered. He came on to you when you weren't really likely to say no. He took advantage.

He also should've stopped when you virtually fell asleep, but it shouldn't really have been happening in the first place.

It's very common that women don't say no or anything, www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

Has he done other stuff like tried to do stuff to you while you were asleep, or sometimes nagged you for sex or thrown a strop if he didn't get it when he wanted?

I have a friend who gets off with me when I'm really drunk. I'm going to tell her not to do it again as I don't remember what I've done or said really at those times.

If this is the only such thing your DP does then you could just tell him not to do it again.

If he does other stuff like things to you while you're asleep, or nagging you for sex, I would plan your way out of this relationship.

Did you tell him afterwards that it wasn't ok when he did it before? Not that it makes this any less bad if you haven't, but if you've told him in the past that makes it even worse.

What sort of person would want to continue to have sex with an unconscious person. I literally ant imagine continuing to have sexual with someone passes out!

Have you asked him why he continued? (Not that you have to, just interested in how he justifies this in his own mind).

It's no excuse if he was drunk, either.

I know people who genuinely wouldn't mind this, so it's more grey than black and white.
Would i personally call it rape? No, not really, you say yourself you consented, so you need to tell him not to do it again if you don't like that he carried on.

I know people who genuinely wouldn't mind this, so it's more grey than black and white.

@AlmostAJillSandwich Absolutely not If a couple are into that, they discuss it beforehand in their relationship. If it's done without prior discussion, it is Incontrovertibly rape/sexual assault. It can be assumed that most people aren't into it. It doesn't matter if you count it as so- it is rape/sexual assault legally, factually.

This isn't a grey area if it hasn't been previously discussed. I had an ex who claimed his ex liked it, therefore his penetrating me while I was asleep wasn't rape. I hadn't agreed to it. It was rape.

I think the key really is whether this bothers you?

It wouldn't worry me if my husband did this as I trust him and feel 100% comfortable with him (but it would be a different story for me if it was someone I was less comfortable with)

My husband also wakes me up with sex and I enjoy it, but he knows this and knows I am comfortable with it.

The issue for me would be if I told him I didn't like it and he continued to do it - that for me is when it would become an issue.

Did you tell him you didn't like it or were uncomfortable the last 2 times it happened?

If you feel uncomfortable with it then it's wrong but if it doesn't bother you then you shouldn't think badly of him just because somebody else wouldn't like it if that makes sense. Everybody has their reasons and boundaries.

The issue for me would be if I told him I didn't like it and he continued to do it - that for me is when it would become an issue.

@TJ17 It is 'an issue' (sexual assault/rape) if it happens without prior discussion- because the person is unconscious and is not in a position to say no/yes at the time.

Ok well I just don't find it an issue in my relationship therefore I don't see it as assault...

If it upsets you when it happens to you then yes this is an issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

And when I say I don't see it as an assault I mean for me personally!

Obviously it is assault in other cases where it is not consensual or if one person feels uncomfortable or violated.

So, if its OK if he basically carries on having sex even though he knows you're asleep, is it OK if he decides to do something else like have anal sex with you? Of course it's not.

If you welcomed it from the start then how could he know it was wrong, if he wasnt drunk and saw you go to sleep, then he should of been more respectful. If it bothers you, don't get yourself this drunk again so you are aware of whats happening and tell him while your sober not to have sex with you while your drunk as it upsets you.

Completely disagree. Surely it's just common sense that unconscious people can't be consenting to sex. Why would he even want to finish himself off that way?
It's not about "being more respectful" at all it's about not assaulting someone.
Talk about victim blaming - she shouldn't have to protect herself from her partner by not getting drunk!

This wouldn’t bother me. I use to have drunk sex with my ex all the time, when I woke up once he mentioned when we had sex in the room which I had no memory of he did feel bad about it but it doesn’t bother me so depends how you feel about it.