Friends/family not supportive of me leaving ex

[paris1994]

I'm writing here as I feel I'm going crazy.

Family/friends have witnessed us arguing and they have seen how he ends every row with bad language/throwing something/storming off. Everyone could name 10 reasons why they left someone but ultimately, it was how he uses verbal abuse to hurt me after an argument.

They all say he has a 'bad temper' and he needs anger management or therapy. They say I push him by expecting too much from him. They can't believe I've left someone who loves me so much and is so loyal in every way.

I have never felt so alone.. I'm being looked down on by everyone in my life, even work colleagues. His friends and family are telling to move on from me and he's gone into therapy. So even his family and friends are against me, even they know the things he has said to me.

I'm getting told by everyone "You should hear our arguments, that's life!"

I feel so alone now and confused.

You have every right to leave any relationship when you choose to.
Adults understand that a relationship ending is shitty, they are the arseholes here.

You can end any relationship that doesn’t meet your needs at any time. He could be the nicest man in the world- that doesn’t mean you are obliged to be in a relationship with him!

Just tell them your DP's behaviour was that bad it's put you off men for life!! Cheeky baskets!

Btw, I was mid 30's, single mum of 2 when i met DP. We now have a great life and 2 beautiful DD's. Your family and friends are idiots.

As pp have all said, it is your life, you get one shot at it. You don't gave to be with anyone you don't want to for whatever reason you choose. Well done putting him out, he sounds exhausting and childish.

*have

Can I just add, even if the therapy does help him, that still doesn't mean you are obliged to go back to him. In fact it would probably be better for his recovery if you didn't, as habit might cause him to slip back into the old ways with you whereas in a new relationship he could go forward with a blank slate as it were. If he genuinely did change he'd recognise your right not to be with him, so if he doesn't, he hasn't really changed!

It's none of any anyone else's business! Your relationship, you can choose to end it over whatever you like. Everyone seems too involved in your relationship- why?

Ignore them, and keep on posting here.

OP, if they feel moved to defend him, I think when you speak to your so-called-friends, it might be helpful to frame it in terms of 'the relationship just wasn't working for me', so they don't feel moved to defend him and change your mind about him.

Although it's horrible to not have his shitty behaviour acknowledged by the people who you'd expect to have your back, in the big scheme of things, it doesn't actually matter what he's like anymore - he's not your problem now and you're free of having to rationalise his behaviour and worry about what he's like.

So I'd focus more on the fact you don't want to be in a relationship, and I'd call out your so-called-friends if they claim to know what you want better than you know yourself. I'd turn it back on them and ask them why it's so important to them that you stay in a relationship against your will.

OP are you from a culture or religion where divorce is frowned on?

I completely empathise OP. When exdh and I split it had been a long time coming and although it was agreed between him and I he is pathalogically lazy and passive so eventually I asked him to leave and ended the marriage officially so to speak. My dm didn't speak to me for a month , my dsis is convinced I had an affair (I didn't) and even my closest friends told me he wasn't bad enough to leave. We had two DC and I knew and to be fair the knew we had become horribly toxic. However because he didn't hit me or have a physical affair (he did have an emotional affair whilst I was pregnant with dc2 but because I refused to air my dirty laundry and seek validation from everyone I refused to share this information).

I gave up a lot of friendships over this , since then it's amazing how many people have come out of the woodwork now that they can see how much better off everyone is that I did the right thing. It took years though and I lost a lot of respect for people. It seemed unless I sought their validation by explaining everything that was wrong then they assumed I shouldn't have ended it. No chance was I seeking their approval. I had a rough time as a single parent pulling DC and I out of the hole and making us independent in a new life. Now things have moved on we are settled and happy people want to come back.

Well they can sing for it. You don't need their approval or agreement. I'm actually really glad now , when the chips were down I realise now that i could navigate DC and i through it , i kept us afloat and kept us relatively happy (aside from the sadness etc normal over a marriage breakup) . Now i know. I love my now DP very much but he and i know that ultimately I'm not dependent on him. If i need to start again i will . There is a huge confidence in that. I enjoy but don't need that support network. If it comes to the crunch I will e ok just as I and the DC were then . Their opinions are invalid. Don't give them any weight.

OP, are there religious/cultural issues at play here?

What a discusting, poisonous bunch of snakes.

Each and every one of them can fuck off. I can tell you that any real friends would not be telling you to accept such treatment and as for your family they're deluded.

Dig your heels in. The only level of abuse that is acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Thanks everyone, it helps hearing this.

There's no cultural or religious issues here. My family/friends have always been supportive in the past, they have slagged of my ex's so this is why I feel so shocked/hurt.
They have sat down and compared him to all my ex's and keep saying he is the best man I've ever met, they wouldn't let him go.
I've heard they are talking behind my back.
Every time I remind them of them a time he swore at me in an argument, it gets brushed off. "Yes but he was angry, Yes but he was tired, Yes but he does this for you, does that for you, give him a break"

I know that I am on my own and have no support IRL. It's doable but hard.

Ok, with that new information in mind, I would ask yourself whether he has been waging a misinformation campaign behind your back?

Is he extremely charming and manipulative when he wants to be?

This does sound like he's been manipulating people.
Did you point out how strange it is that your friends reacted like that? It is a really weird response.

He's never been manipulative towards me or anyone I know of, do you think he could be?
Everyone who knows him says he's a great guy but needs to calm down his hot head.
Apparently I should be more understanding because he has a stressful job and I should nag about trivial things.

The thing is I don't nag. It's HIS short fuse that causes the drama! I never like to let him win so I fight back and he ends up walking off, swearing, throwing something, telling me he needs breathing space. Well if he didn't have that short fuse, he wouldn't need space!

Everytime they ask me "why did you do this for" All I can says is I didn't want to leave but I didn't like how he spoke to me when we argued. He didn't know how to fight clean.

I wouldn’t be sharing or scrutinising and details with anyone and seeking their approval of your decision.

I would have a bland, vague statement ready something like:

“Trust me that I have made a positive and clear-cut decision for my future. I am certain that my basic standards of kindness and respect were repeatedly not met in this relationship. I am comfortable and confident that I will have another relationship where these are basic behaviour standards and I hope that you can be happy for me.”

And then change the subject.

Are you concerned that they are right? Do their opinions dictate your life?

Concerned that you have had a few dysfunctional relationships - what happened in your childhood to allow you to think that this was all you deserve?

@Sssloou, excellent response

They have sat down and compared him to all my ex's and keep saying he is the best man I've ever met, they wouldn't let him go

Just because you've had level 8 twats in the past and this one is a level 6 doesn't mean screaming, shouting and breaking stuff is acceptable.

Seems to me like he's a bully and he doesn't like that you stand up for yourself.

Not good.

Look up flying monkeys and narcissist abuse and see if it rings any bells. Dont doubt yourself.

It's you who was living this life, not them. Yes they see his 'bad temper' but they don't have to live it every day as well as whatever else goes on.
Dont worry about what others thing, your life is the important thing. Do what's right for you. You'll get the support you need from someone, try not to worry.

So he's had his first therapy session and told me what his therapist has said. She's given him some home truths saying he puts all his stress onto me and takes it out on me. She asked him how does he think it feels for ME to have to deal with that.

It feels so nice to have someone digging him out on his behaviour. I hope he gets some more home truths and realises what he lost.

Why are you giving him your finite time, energy, consideration and headspace?

He is negatively draining you. He doesn’t deserve this from you.

Choose to conserve your finite emotional capacity and work to fill it with positive, aspirational people and experiences that help you reflect, change and grow. Don’t indulge him - he chooses his behaviours. Close him off.

What are you doing for you after this abuse and breakup - are you letting him continue to pollute your life?

She's given him some home truths saying he puts all his stress onto me and takes it out on me. She asked him how does he think it feels for ME to have to deal with that.

I'm struggling to believe a professional Therapist would have told him this... honestly

He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.. and it looks like he is correct...

He's playing you like a finely tuned fiddle... beware

100% agree with Bumblebee

Oh OP. Am so sorry that your loved ones are being so shit about this. What I would say, is maybe the answer lies in their own relationships. Are their partnerships good? Or are they just kind of shit or average. What I'm trying to say is maybe they are not being very kind because actually, they are in a crappy relationships but they don't want to leave because that's not the 'done thing', so they can't stand to see you leave him and take control of your own life.

I left a long term partner, and while my best friends and close family were supportive, I did get the sense from my wider circles that because my cheating ex was good around the house and earned decent money that I shouldn't have left, because he was essentially a good man