What is this technique used in relation to arguments with your partner?

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

Just wondering out loud if it has a name so I can offer more advice to my sister. She is in a relationship and between them they play this out in their arguments repeatedly. I find it really hard to get my head round, my natural instinct is to take my sister's side so wanted a bit of impartiality, names changed.

So Sally and Jamie live together, with Sally's DC who are a teenager and a younger primary aged child. Jamie is an introvert and quiet, needs his space and Sally knew this when they moved in together. Their house is quite small so they kind of live on top of each other but the DC do see their dad, so Sally and Jamie get to spend time alone. Jamie gets grumpy about noise and the disruptive behaviour of the DC's maybe once every 8 weeks. Never takes it out on or says anything to DC but gets grumpy with Sally, airs his grievance, Sally sticks up for herself by saying 'I can't stop all noise and annoying behaviour as they are children, but I am sorry if you are struggling with it and I will ask the DC to be more considerate about noise. However, please don't take your grumpiness out on me I don't appreciate it' and Jamie usually says 'I don't want to get into this or get into an argument' and shuts it down. Otherwise they seem to get on great, really love each other and the DC like Jamie.

My sister feels that she is being shut down and the expectation on her is that she apologises and shuts up rather than having any dialogue or resolution or acknowledgement of her feelings. I think Jamie is just trying to make his feelings known but in a cackhanded way. Is there a name for this dynamic? Is it normal living together, long term relationship bickering? Is there anything she can do to make it different as I can tell she's getting frustrated by it and last week she told me that she feels like she's waiting for these periodic upsets. TIA.

Is it stonewalling? Point blank refusal to enter into a discussion is my understanding of that

I wondered that too but Jamie definitely gets his point across and lays out his emotional viewpoint and how he is feeling, but will not let my sister reciprocate. I thought stonewalling was just refusing to talk full stop but I don't know loads about it. Thank you!

It's doesn't need a name. He is being a prick.

cuntry can't really just say to my sister 'Your DP is being a prick'. Even though I suspect you are right!

I would. There is no need for a technical term here. He is controlling what she is allowed to discuss. He is a prick. It's manipulative and most likely to escalate. I wouldn't just tell her he was a prick I would be advising her to leave. What use is a label for it if she is living in some shitty relationship?

I think they would really benefit from relationship counselling. We learn from our parents how to communicate in a marriage. Maybe Jamie's parents were very conflict avoidant? He needs to learn how to give Sally a chance to express her side of the argument.

How is your sister approaching it? Is she matching his tone or is she frustrated and escalating a situation to an argument?

It's all good and well saying he's being a prick, but if she's swinging in screaming, I'd shut her down too.

No, she isn't screaming. They don't do this face to face but via messages, which she has shown me, hence why I know about it. She puts her point across and he literally writes how he feels/what he is annoyed about and writes 'Lets just leave it. I don't want an argument' and she generally replies with 'That isn't fair, but ok' AFAIK.

I haven't explained that we'll. By putting her point across I mean she will write

'You seemed annoyed and grumpy about something this morning, are you okay?' and he will respond with 'X, Y and Z has annoyed me. I feel X, y and Z about it but I don't want to get into it and have an argument'.

After reading it I told her I understood how she could feel frustrated as he is shutting her down and she said she feels get only option is to apologise for my DN's and to shut up.

If she escalated it, she would be blamed for wanting an argument wouldn't she? This is the behaviour I was wondering about. It is all well and good avoiding conflict if you get your opportunity to vent and get your need to get things off your chest met but if you shut down the other person do all they can do is apologise? Not great IMO. This is the only sticking point between them though. They get in so well otherwise.

I suppose it's a type of stone walking.

It's pretty selfish.

He sounds like perhaps he's not actually suited to living within a family and that's why this issue is regularly, repeatedly cropping up.

That's obviously Painful for your sister. But why should she have to live like this til her kids grow up a d leave home (and they're bound to pick up on it to some extent too. I mean being asked - told really - to be less noisy and boisterous. Kids are noisy and boisterous).

*walling obviously

She puts her point across and he literally writes how he feels/what he is annoyed about and writes 'Lets just leave it. I don't want an argument'

So she puts her point across then he gets his say, then he says let's leave it? Perhaps because they have both had their say by then?

This is very different to the way I read your OP so please ignore my previous post.

What you are saying now is he refuses to argue but he refuses to listen. She had her say first.

If I were her I'd ask him how he wants to resolve the noise situation.

What's his answer to that?

No, sorry cuntry I worded that badly. She doesn't get her point across first. I meant she usually asks what the matter is first and his response is to lay it all out, then shut it down. That's my fault. I didn't weird it right because obviously I'm not involved so put recounted it clunkily.

Seriously, they should definitely go to counselling, or a marriage course. This doesn't sound like LTB territory at all, but they would both benefit from some pointers on how to improve their communication and listening skills and how to resolve conflicts. (First step - in person rather than by text message!)

Gin his resolution is that they buy a bigger house which is a resolution but pretty hard to make it happen at the moment with the pandemic!

Tinamou I agree it isn't LTB territory too.i think you are right. Counselling is the way to go with a focus on communication I think. I will suggest it to my sister.

There is something called Narcissistic Stonewalling. I’ve read a chapter about this in a book I’ve been reading. It’s where the person complaining/arguing shuts down the other person so they can’t air their opinions/views etc.. The classic being ‘I don’t want to get into an argument about this’ thus shutting down the other person without them getting a say.

This leaves the other party feeling somewhat relieved as they are pleased that there won’t be an argument but also aggrieved because their point of view wasn’t listened too.

But like another poster said, he could just be conflict avoidant? Sally isn’t mentioning any other worrying behaviours to you so it could just be that.

What would happen if Sally told Jamie that she is getting increasingly anxious as she waits for his next episode? Whether that might change how he deals with things if he knows it’s causing her distress.

It's emotional dumping really isn't it, he's offloading his feelings and grievances and then leaving your sister with no right of reply or opportunity to resolve anything. She must feel very frustrated that he's continually dumping it all on her and then effectively running away before she can do anything about it.

Whatever the name for it should be it's entirely unproductive in terms of bringing about any kind of improvement or solution. In her shoes I would point out to him that, since he purely seems to be 'having a moan' rather than trying to effect positive change, maybe he needs to find someone else to moan to if he needs to offload because it's upsetting for her to be left with problems and no solutions.

That seems a pretty reasonable request to me but his response will speak volumes. It's entirely possible this is less him venting and more his way of trying to keep her down and on the back foot, a bit like negging but about her kids rather than herself. If I'm right he won't react well to her (very reasonable) request for him to vent elsewhere because now how will he make sure she's always trying to please/appease him? It's a good test at least, I hope I'm wrong.

Sounds like he knows it’s not your sisters fault he’s in a bad mood but as they are her children he feels it’s her responsibility to step in. He then shuts the conversation down as seeing it from your sisters side would make his mood irrational and he doesn’t want to hear that (I have a stepdad who does this)

My stepdad would also glaze over it and never apologise, things would go back to normal for a few weeks before the cycle repeated...

I should add they have separated because his moods escalated from every few weeks to every week then every second day. Atmosphere was terrible and my mum felt she was constantly on eggshells.

Why should an issue be argued about, could it not be just discussed? It seems that it is being preempted that there’s no chance to find a good approach that is agreed and it’s his way or none at all.

He sounds dictatorial and unempathetic to be honest, and the text dialogue is weird.

I would signpost your sister to some of the reading material often referred to on the relationships board, Why Does He Do That as an example.

I think the main thing they did wrong was move in together. He doesn't like living with DC and she seems to think she can't keep them quiet.

Good idea Rainbowshine, here's a free pdf. version of the book OP www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Excellent link @Hidingtonothing