Leaving husband, daughter wants to stay

[Weir1]

So after 12 years of absolute crap from this man from drinking issues, awful money spending and cheating physically and mentally I have decided to leave him. I have two children 7&9. I have done everything for them. I buy them everything they need, birthday presents, pay for clubs etc. I’m the one who has been up all nights with them from they minute they Came into the world. I do everything we mothers do. I’m a bit upset as my eldest has now decided she will be living with her dad. I’m trying not to be. It is her choice I guess but I know if she stays with him so will my youngest to stay with her sister. What do I do? Do I now stay with him to be with my kids?

She's 9. He has a drinking issue.

Just tell her for the moment no, she's coming with you and will of course still see Daddy & once everything between mummy and daddy is sorted properly then if she wants to live with Daddy and come see you it can be sorted then. Don't give her a choice as such right now but reassure her if there's any concerns over missing him. Has she said why she wants to stay with him?

With the drinking problems will he look after them properly? Do you think she might change her mind once you've moved?
It's a horrible situation..it really sounds like you need to go but I'd be considering staying in your situation too. Does he know you are planning to leave

Yes he does. He can go weeks without a drink as he has done when I have brought up leaving him but goes straight back once things have settled. So maybe in some eyes not a drinking problem but the amount he spends on it is ridiculous. So it’s a problem! He’s a very good day. Just used to me doing everything. My eldest was the one to say let’s leave! Then they had a bike ride yesterday and an hour afterwards together and she wants to stay. I can’t live without my kids. They are everything to me and the reason I’m doing this. I literally just signed the lease to our new place then she mentioned living with him. Both my husband and I are being very amicable. There is still love there but I’m done with everything so her seeing daddy whenever she wants and he’s home from work is not a problem.

Day is dad. Apparently I can’t type this morning!

Don’t offer her the choice - she’s 9, not 15! She lives with you but gets to see him frequently.

It’s probably more the thought of the whole move out/away that making her say this.

No, she needs to live with you until she leaves high school at least due to his drinking. Perhaps she feels sorry for him as he’s going to be ‘alone’.
Make a plan as to who will have them when and tell her, so that she knows when she will see him.
Does he actually want to be a full time parent to the child ?

I agree with pp. If she was older then she could possibly make a more informed choice but right now she won't know what she wants, she's 9. You have to look out for them both, you must take them with you. As you say, you've been primary carer for their whole lives. Your ex isn't going to suddenly take all that on once you leave.

Is it possible that, after watching you take care of him for her whole life, your daughter is now worried that he won't be able to cope without someone there to look after him, and thinks that it's her responsibility to do so?

Hmm, difficult one. I don’t think you should stay in an unbearable relationship, that’s not healthy for anybody.
But I’m not sure I’d be laying the law down to the children, even though they are small. Perhaps keep fairly noncommittal, don’t sign anything re children’s living arrangements, and let them try it. Chances are they will naturally want to spend more time with you. Obviously this isn’t sensible if he’s likely to get blind drunk while he’s in charge, or be neglectful in any other way.

Is he the type who'd spend that time guilt-tripping her into staying with him?
I'd not talk about it for a few days. She is the one who wanted you to leave him and she'll probably come round - unless he continues to put pressure on her.
If she doesn't come round, take her anyway.

Thank you everyone. I feel so bad for being the one to break up the family I really don’t know what to do with this. I don’t want her to hate me!
He loves the kids but works shifts in retail. I work from home so naturally I have the kids. He only lives 4 houses away once we move and they can literally run round to see him when he’s back from work! I want her to feel happy. My youngest I don’t think it’s set in yet but expect some problems with her when it does. I was just so upset when she said it and tried not to get angry as I know its such a huge scary change for her. I’ve said to him will set out days but it is tough as he works early: late and doesn’t have set days off. I’d be interested to see how it works as he loves his golf and bike rides. I think she’s forgotten that due to lock down. He was hardly ever here before.

She is bound to be unsettled at the idea of moving out.
It was just one day, one remark, and she's too young to think through all the implications of what she's saying.
Just present the initial moving out as a fait accompli. Explain why it has to be that way. Reassure her that she will see her Dad often. Tell her that when things have settled down a bit then you can revisit whether she lives with her Dad. By then she'll have some experience of her new life and hopefully will realise she's loads better off with you.

What were the arrangements going to be for shared care? Does she understand that really she would be moving between two houses anyway? She might not realise you can do 50:50, for example, as an option. It sounds like it is talked about more in terms of 'here or there'.

I also agree with posters that she might feel a caretaking role.

You are not breaking up the family: he did that.

You need to take decisions in your DCs’ interests, within the law.

Both will have been negatively affected by the situation they’ve lived in thus far, so it’s good you’re getting out.

You staying in the relationship, or DC1 living with her father, would not be in their best interests.

If it’s amicable (or perhaps use a mediator to help guide the discussion) try to agree a co-parenting plan with husband and then you both sit down with the children and explain how this is going to work. If you’re on the same page the children will be much more accepting and probably relieved I think a schedule provides more reassurance and certainty at this stage then just talking about lots of flexibility. It’s possible your daughter is concerned about leaving her dad on his own and feels it’s her duty/responsibility to stay, perhaps she feels guilty that she said let’s leave etc. In your situation I would acknowledge her feelings but ultimately I don’t think at 9 she mature enough to make the decision herself - that’s for you and your husband to decide and if you can work together to do that it will benefit your children long term. Good luck OP x

I would remind her of his shift working pattern and the golf (not the bike riding as he did that with her) ask her basic things like well if you are living at Dad's how will he pick you up from school if he is working? Who will cook you dinner, remind her of his working hours. Get her to come to her own conclusion that this isn't possible.

Remind her you work from home so are always there and she can see her Dad whenever he is home.

Also do you think he used the bike ride to point score and tell her how lonely he will be, maybe all the fun they can have if it is just them, an us against the world thing?

I don’t think he is the type to guilt her but he’s very much the type to suddenly be perfect daddy when everything turns rubbish. She is a worrier and she could be concerned about him. It’s just knowing what to do and say with her. It was never a here or there. She was with me. She would live with me. She doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with her dad so I’m very taken aback.

Aye first time he’s went on a solo bike ride with her 🙄

Like others on here I'd be saying "No, he's not able to look after you on his own at the moment, you're coming with me"

She may be trying to keep you together OP. She's 9...it's too young.

If she was 15 then I'd say "Well it's her choice!" but at 9?? Nope!

Honestly I said the same thing to my mum when I was 9.

I didn’t really want to live with my dad, I wanted to stay in my room in my house and be near all my friends, that was all.

Take her with you and don’t take it to heart, things will settle down

He's clearly got down her earole then the manipulative sod.

Op she is is nine years old, she is too young to make a decision. Be gentle but firm about your plans, and try to reassure her as much as possible. for you it is tough going, but will be worth it.

She's far too young to be given a choice.

Of course she's going to say all sorts of wistful, imagined things about how she wishes things were perfect.

They both need a lot of reassurance that everyone will be fine, it's all for the best and they'll always be able to see him and have a good relationship.

Then get on with it.

If it’s amicable could he move out? Much less disruptive for the children and he’d be close by?