Leaving husband, daughter wants to stay

[Weir1]

So after 12 years of absolute crap from this man from drinking issues, awful money spending and cheating physically and mentally I have decided to leave him. I have two children 7&9. I have done everything for them. I buy them everything they need, birthday presents, pay for clubs etc. I’m the one who has been up all nights with them from they minute they Came into the world. I do everything we mothers do. I’m a bit upset as my eldest has now decided she will be living with her dad. I’m trying not to be. It is her choice I guess but I know if she stays with him so will my youngest to stay with her sister. What do I do? Do I now stay with him to be with my kids?

Tell her no daddy will be back at work you csnt stay here alone its four houses away she can see him after work like she used too

You are overthinking this . 4 houses away ? Just do it and she can see him anyway most days and have overnights . It’s not going to be hugely disruptive for her at all.

Hi OP. I left an alcoholic husband earlier in the year and have children a similar age to yours. I totally agree with the other posters saying your ds is too young to decide. She will need some certainty from you in telling her how it is going to be and it would be far too much on her young shoulders to feel she had it in her power to ‘accept or reject‘ one parent. It might be worth looking at Nacoa and reading up a bit on the problems that alcoholism/heavy drinking can cause in children. I know it’s hard but it would be better to be honest about the drinking if they don’t already know.

I know you say he can stop for periods and that might not make him an alcoholic. You might be right but, equally, it is actually really common for many alcoholics to do this through sheer willpower. Alcoholism isn’t about willpower or lack of, though, and the point is, he always goes back to heavy drinking and therefore has never actually managed to prove he can quit.

At any rate, his drinking has been bad enough for you to leave and that makes it a huge problem for you (and it probably would be to any other person in your position). Don’t worry about labels. That fact is enough. Have you thought about maybe getting some support? Alanon might help you to see the problem more clearly.

You may find that with some distance from the relationship, you get more clarity on the dangers that a heavy drinker can pose to children (No matter how much he loves them). You really need to get your boundaries in place for that- no driving, no overnights maybe?

You might (only might) just find he starts to ask for help/sort out his drinking once he feels the effects of your new boundaries.

Really good luck!

You're not breaking up the family-he is by his behaviour?

I was also wondering why he can't move out?

You are the parent and he is a drunk. She doesn't get to decide.

9 is too young to tell you what she wants.
My dd is 13 and her Dad treats her like an equal meaning she is growing up thinking she can decide something and I have to agree with it. We have had so many arguments over it. It's damaging.
You will be four doors down...once you establish a new routine, she'll be able to see her dad regularly. She actually has a very good deal here. She doesn't need to move schools or make new friends. And her dad is just up the road.

His drinking broke up the family. You are trying to do the best for yourself and your children.
Your daughter is 9. She doesn't get a vote. You are the parent. You tell her that the three of you are moving and that you and her father will work out visitation.
She will probably develop an Attitude, but that is to be expected. She is at that age. Don't let her guilt you or bully you into giving her any decision-making power.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease and you as their mother are not the only one here affected by that. Your children have been too.

She is not the arbiter of her parents relationship. At 9 years of age she is also not emotionally mature to even realise that she is affected by his alcoholism; she is already feeling super responsible (codependent) for her dad and wants to live with him. She needs help and support now also because she could well go onto choose an alcoholic herself for a partner. Alateen is for 12 years and older but there may well be resources that can be employed for your children. I would be contacting Al-anon as a matter of course, they are very helpful at helping those affected by another person's drinking.

Why not try for 50:50 initially and see how it goes.
Also ask her about decorating her bedroom and the rest of the house.

Let her know that Dad is close by and she can visit.

The main thing is that, like all children, she needs the certainty and security of knowing how things are going to be, before she can relax and feel safe and comfortable.

You are giving her just that. Excellent move, congrats on doing the right thing, however hard it's been for you.

Just say of course you can stay with you Dad you can stay with him every weekend, you can do straight to him from school on Friday, but I would like you back home After school on Monday. If you don’t get to school on time on Mondays then you will need to come back Sunday night. And you can of you course stay half the school holidays with him.

I Would put money on it with in two months she is only going to dads ever other week, because that’s what he will want. If that happens then she could also maybe go one night in the week.

Just make sure she knows it’s not a case of one parent over another it’s a case of sharing time between two loving homes between two parents who love her.

It’s always best to get a routine when there is a split, I think the best is maybe every other fall weekend Friday from school to being dropped back off to school on Monday , Wednesday night stay over, and a 50/50 split over the school holiday in two blocks.

Also talk to your Ex and tell him that if he f**Ks up with drink when the kids are with him then you will be applying to get full custody. Tell him you are going to trust him and give him plenty of contact, it’s up to him to step up to the plate. He then has to decide his children or his drink.

Weenurse

Total agree wise words

Thank you everyone . I feel a lot better reading these reply’s. I have just spoken to her and she is more understanding today.

So 9 year olds now make their own life decisions
A 9 year old can decide she's going to live with her alcoholic father who works shifts
In reality 9 year olds do as they are told, you're the parent, you make the correct choices for your children not them.
As a parent you need to parent your children, not sit wringing your hands because you're frightened to upset them.

Don’t let her decide. You are the adult here. Weekend from Friday to Monday after school. What has ex said about this. He works shifts he needs to tell her it’s not possible.
Maybe he has said something to her.
She is not responsible for anyone especially daddy.
It’s a great idea he moves out and you stay. Will he do this.

Have you made contact with al anon. Please do so.
Did you say you where brought up with a drinker. It will have impacted you in many ways.
I’m curious why only 4 doors down?
He is not your responsibility either.
Well done for deciding to take a break or split.
What do you expect him to do?
All addicts can be manipulating- just be mindful of this.
Have you thought of counselling for yourself? Might help you in deciding what you want.
Please take your daughter with you or stay at the house. Make it fun.

I don’t think it should be referred to as the children “living” with you or him. You should start from a 50:50 point and then see how that works with the reality of work etc but they ought to feel they have two homes and they have not “left daddy”.

I love the house so why not 4 doors down? My kids go to school here and have friends. My only other option is to move away. I wasn’t raised with a drinker but have been a child of 3 divorces. I understand my 9 year old doesn’t make her life choices. I do a very good job parenting my children thank you.

Weir1

Nothing at all wrong with 4 doors down, as long as you and your ex can respect each other space, then I think the children will soon get very use to the setup.

As long as you are both On the same page and doing the best for the children, they will be fine. Good luck with the next stage of your life

She’s 9, she has no idea. She fully expects you to be there whenever but isn’t as confident about her father and therefore it makes perfect sense to stay with the parent you’re less confident in seeing.

Explain to her that that because of her father’s job that it isn’t possible for him to be home as much as he needs to be to care for her. She can however spend regular time with him when he is not at work.

OP, I would be very wary of posters suggesting 50/50 as the starting point here. Whilst that is definitely the ideal default where there are two fully functional parents, you don’t have that here. Much though you may all love him still, your h has an alcohol problem (at best) and may be alcoholic. Usually, when someone is drinking so much it breaks the family up, there is an addiction involved. Often it is hard for everyone to accept that label. That is why other posters are suggesting Alanon and Nacoa.

Your children are too young to be responsible for themselves if their dad messes up. What if that messing up is drink driving with them in the car, leaving the gas hob running because he was too squiffy to remember to turn it off etc etc. It is really important for the future of your children that the drinking problems are addressed openly (even if he refuses to engage with that). If you are worried about his reactions to having limits imposed on him, do speak to a solicitor for some advice. I know it is really hard but I’m sure you can do it. You’ve already done the difficult bit and organised leaving.

None of this means they can’t see each other, it just needs to be managed differently.

Good luck