Saddened by lack of physical relationship

[Goodrace]

NC for this as friends know I’m on here. DH and I, married for several years, have had sex twice I think since last spring. As in, a year and a quarter ago. Baby was born in winter and since then it’s been once.

DH claims low libido from tiredness due to our young ones and I’m gently called a sex pest for mentioning the lack of intimacy. I get that, it must be annoying if I’m pressuring him, so I’ve tried to stop mentioning it and just let it happen but it really gets me down and affects my mood. We’re in our mid 30s so surely this isn’t normal?? I don’t think he’s having an affair, just doesn’t feel it’s a priority. Apparently it’s a lot of effort. That makes me sad and feel pretty worthless. I’m now taking practical steps to address my postpartum appearance (am back at pre baby weight!) for my own confidence as much as anything. I’m taking hormonal contraception although I honestly can’t see the point, and that in itself annoys me. But he doesn’t like condoms so I’m trying to make safe sex easier and more appealing, get the ball rolling.

I’m aware that this post doesn’t cover him in glory, and obviously there are two sides to every story. I suppose I’m looking for support on how to stop this affecting me, as I realise I can’t control someone else and can only control my reaction to things? Sigh.

I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting sex more often than that. Is he affectionate in other ways? Does he cuddle and kiss you?

I would arrange a chat, a heart to heart and discuss how you feel and ask him if there are things he can do to address his libido. Viagra is an obvious one. He could speak to a.doctor about his options. Could he be depressed etc.?

Do you have childcare options? Would a date night help, even if you agreed that there wouldn't be pressure to have sex but just to spend some time together. Could you look into marriage counsellors? There are lots of things you can do and if he's serious about your marriage then he should be up for trying something. If he refuses every suggestion then I would be questioning what's really going on.

Thanks for your reply. To answer the questions, he is affectionate but it feels quite PG ie pecks on the lips or cheeks. Maybe it’s hard to switch gears when we have young children that we kiss a lot? He does eg grab my bum occasionally, things like that. So we’re playful but I find it frustrating as it leads nowhere.

He’s not depressed. I think lockdown has been hard as we’ve had to juggle work and children in the home, and he really doesn’t help himself by staying up late watching TV. I find that also frustrating. Like the TV is worth it, but I’m not? Sorry, I’m just using this to vent!

We’ve not had childcare due to lockdown and same with dates obviously, but that will be changing in the near future. I’m inclined to give it another month, try my hardest not to comment on it in that time, and if nothing changes come off my contraception and tell him very clearly why. He doesn’t like pregnant bodies (fair enough), he’s uncomfortable with breastfeeding breasts (ridiculous IMO but hasn’t affected my feeding choice for our babies), he prefers it when I make an effort with my clothing/hair (fair enough if a touch shallow, so I’ve started doing that to kickstart stuff)... Just fed up of feeling rejected. It feels a bit like the whore/Madonna complex and I’m now a boring Madonna!

He is not staying late watching TV. He’s watching porn. I’m willing to bet on that.

I think it’s both, because I’m certain he’s watching normal tv but I wouldn’t be surprised if porn follows. I’m increasingly anti porn, but it’s his choice. I have recently wondered whether that could be what’s affecting our whole relationship.

Having kids nuked our sex life. Completely feel for you OP.

Thanks I think what I struggle with, is that it’s not mutual.

Did you recover it @Trailing1? If so, how??

Hi Goodrace,
No we haven't sadly. Our relationship now is marked by resentment. I really dont know where to begin. I hope you can find a way to work through this.

Ahh I’m so sorry to hear that. That was not the response I was hoping for! We have a holiday coming up, so I’m really hoping that will reset us a bit. But then I don’t want to put pressure on it, in my head.

The second kid completely nuked our sex life too. It feels utterly impossible to improve things from here on.

Noooo! This wasn’t the direction I was hoping this would take.... sorry to hear it @millionaireshortie

So are we now those people “staying for the kids”? Or waiting for them to grow up so we can rekindle romance in our empty houses?

You are far from alone. Very far from alone. Some of the time I wonder - when I look at families and couples out and about - say friends colleagues relatives or just random folk in park - would we ever know what’s going on in their private lives? These are things you aren’t meant to ever speak about, so it is so very easy to position the world a bit like this -

Me: sex and intimacy problems
Every other person/couple: loved up; hot for each other, looking after each other’s needs perfectly.

I get what you are saying about feeling raw about contraception.

You are not alone, OP. You are nowhere near alone.

Sorry this doesn’t help. But you are not alone.

Hmm. I’m sorry you are in my rather tragic club also, it seems! I have the same thing re looking at other people, and I do try to get out of that mentality because I know it’s unhelpful. On the rare occasion the topic heads that way with female friends, I see glimpses of issues so I know I’m not alone, but like you say it’s never discussed in details. I can’t discuss it with DH as then I’m pestering and putting pressure, which makes it unattractive. I’m not even talking about swinging from the chandeliers, just a weekly snuggle under the covers would do! TMI but I’m currently on my period and I’ve not even mentioned it to him as I don’t want to give him an excuse to not initiate- will tell him if the need arises (which it won’t!).

Same here I’m sorry to say
Refusal to address it pure denial and deflection
I’ve tried the talk several times etc etc as Infinitum
Never been any porn issues etc / depression / meds
Just low libido I think
Or I’m horrible .

Another nuked sex life here in the tragic club! We're now on a similar page though havent always been.
Your DH shouldn't call you a sex pest though ffs.
I'd back right off, sort yourself out when he's in bed and come off the pill. And whatever effort you make, do it for yourself, not for him.
I found it too hard to always be wanting and vulnerable so switched off and by the time he came around it was too late. Probably also not what you want to hear!
We have our moments but they're pretty rare.

To answer your question directly, no it is not normal for couples in their 30s to have a sexless relationship. Your desire for weekly intimacy is perfectly reasonable, in fact when our DC were young my DW and I agreed that we should try to DTD not less than weekly, a far sighted decision which I now regard as one of the best we ever made.

The idea that it is "a lot of effort" is, frankly, b*llocks. Resisting the desire after some time without is much more effort than giving in to it. And calling you a sex pest is demeaning and, to say the least, inappropriate. Sex is the glue in an LTR, it will keep you together when everything else is falling not apart. Take it from me, I've been with my DW thirty years and I don't think I'd be saying that if it hadn't been for a strong and continuing sexual attraction.

You should not need to do anything special to attract him, the fact that you feel constrained to do this is in itself a warning sign. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk. This problem will not resolve itself, it needs to be resolved and if it is not resolved your relationship will be under threat. You are young, you cannot live without intimacy for the next 50 years.

I am sorry that you are in this position OP, I too could have written this post myself...together 10 years, 2 DC but no inclination from DH to initiate or want a physical relationship which leaves me feeling unwanted and questioning our future. I have raised this many times, he promises to make more effort but then nothing. Affectionate in other ways but also PG. My plan is to wait until the world returns to some kind of normal and suggest Relate...failure to address this may result in our seperation, I am not willing to go through a lifetime feeling unwanted. Look into couples counselling, it may reveal what is the underlying issue causing his lack of libido/need for physical intimacy. Good luck

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I know how horrible it is. My situation was similar in that my exH hardly ever wanted sex with me and always made an excuse not too. He kept saying he'd 'try harder' which frankly made me feel like shit. Slight difference is he was like this before our son came along as well as after. He watched a lot of porn and went into online chat rooms or whatever they're called, to watch women doing stuff (not sure what) and I think he was desensitized to loving sex - actually, I don't think he new what that was. When we split and I started to get attention from other men, the penny dropped and I realised it wasn't me after all. This marriage gave my self esteem a huge knock and even now (3.5 years on) I feel a bit uncomfortable in his presence. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk. Relationships should be about two people's needs; you dont just amalgamate into one because you're married. And you're so young OP too. Give it a good go but don't wait forever. Good luck

Well obviously now that I’ve started a thread, he suggests sex, but as I said here last night I couldn’t so I did tell him as much. The end result is the same though, now more time will pass without intimacy because in the preceding weeks there was no interest. Oddly the last two times he’s initiated it’s been right at my most fertile point in my cycle... wondering about buying a pheromone perfume without telling him?? Thanks for sharing stories, it’s good to know I’m not alone and that I/we do need to take this seriously.

Just thinking more about it all. I really agree with your point @Anothernick about not needing to do anything special, but I think DH is attracted to confident women- which I usually am. But after pregnancy and a difficult birth (and I have gained a LOT of weight in both pregnancies although it does shift eventually), I do feel less confident. But then I’m trying to be more confident because I know it’s preferable (for both of us). It’s a sort of vicious cycle between the two of us. I also think I just feel all this stuff a lot more deeply than he does!

I could have written this post. Eldest is 13, youngest nearly 8. Have talked about this until blue in the face. If I mention it I get an eye roll. Cannot be clearer about what I need. I don't have any advice. Just know that you are not alone.

Some people just get bored of sex. Once you've done it a hundred times, it's just a faff. At least with a film or a meal you can try something new, it's not like monogamy, I like novelty like watching a different type of movie, like a Western.

My husband likes variety in all areas of life, as do I - but we made our vows and we should be taking each other’s views into account over things like this! What’s the alternative, just break up and decimate our children’s lives over the fact that, surprise-surprise, we should sleep with each other but we’ve done it before so we already know what it’s like? Anyway, variety at this point would be actually HAVING sex. Would make a significant change!

@bubblybarbara

Bored with sex? Really? That's like saying you could get bored with eating or washing - most people surely have a physical and psychological need for sex. The combination of feelings that it generates is one of life's greatest pleasures.

That’s definitely part of the issue, feeling like it’s a faff, and I can understand that - but we need to get past it somehow...