Saddened by lack of physical relationship

[Goodrace]

NC for this as friends know I’m on here. DH and I, married for several years, have had sex twice I think since last spring. As in, a year and a quarter ago. Baby was born in winter and since then it’s been once.

DH claims low libido from tiredness due to our young ones and I’m gently called a sex pest for mentioning the lack of intimacy. I get that, it must be annoying if I’m pressuring him, so I’ve tried to stop mentioning it and just let it happen but it really gets me down and affects my mood. We’re in our mid 30s so surely this isn’t normal?? I don’t think he’s having an affair, just doesn’t feel it’s a priority. Apparently it’s a lot of effort. That makes me sad and feel pretty worthless. I’m now taking practical steps to address my postpartum appearance (am back at pre baby weight!) for my own confidence as much as anything. I’m taking hormonal contraception although I honestly can’t see the point, and that in itself annoys me. But he doesn’t like condoms so I’m trying to make safe sex easier and more appealing, get the ball rolling.

I’m aware that this post doesn’t cover him in glory, and obviously there are two sides to every story. I suppose I’m looking for support on how to stop this affecting me, as I realise I can’t control someone else and can only control my reaction to things? Sigh.

Like a pp said, it's a porn problem.

No way is he staying up watching tv late!

Men not wanting sex with their other halves and preferring the death grip is happening more and more.

It's not about you or your attractiveness, though it feels like it. Sorry op, truly am. Hope you can work it out

Bored with sex? Really? That's like saying you could get bored with eating or washing

I do find both of those things boring as well but as they are necessary I expend the minimal effort to keep them up to standard. Sex is not quite the same is it, having your bloke stick it in, wave it around, and that's the box ticked is not really doing anything for me.

I’ve realised a few more things: this invariably all becomes a huge problem in my mind at bedtime when I’m tired (we both are, tbf) whereas day to day we actually have a lovely relationship. Last night there was definitely potential for something to happen, but it’s got to the point that I find instigating or suggesting anything - even in actions rather than words - actually quite humiliating, so I’ve stopped. I made a half hearted effort with some kisses, felt really upset at being ignored, didn’t show it but said goodnight and went to my side of the bed. I can’t win: mentioning it makes it into a problem between us, not saying something doesn’t change anything either.

Clinging on with hope to our upcoming summer holiday, hopefully a change of scene might help? Feeling very dejected. Focusing on self-care, exercise, chocolate as a treat, enjoying my hobbies. Very frustrating.

Hi Goodrace,

Sorry to hear what you are going through, I haven't read the entire thread but you sound very much like my wife with the little I have read. I feel a lot of guilt reading this. I haven't had sex with my wife as well in a long long time, definitely not this year, I would say maybe 3 times in the last 2 years. We are in our 30's too, 2 kids. I know a lot of people here will accuse me of being selfish and all that, mine is down to weight. it's a really tough one for me as we had the convo plenty of times before we got together that weight was a complete turn off for me and a deal breaker, wife is overweight (she's always been) and the more the days go by, the less attractive I find her. I have been bold enough to discuss this with her. We are heading for the rock and it's a shame as this is affecting other parts of our lives. As someone said earlier, you should have some serious conversations with him. And just to quickly add, I am not talking pregnancy weight here, I am talking weight as a result of constant bad diet

That sounds really difficult. I imagine it would be different if you felt your wife was at least attempting to make some compromises to improve things.

Weight definitely isn’t the issue for us, I’m a size10 and have recently taken up regular classes to improve muscle tone- and mood! But general attraction may be a problem, I’m being snippy and making jibes about the issue, can’t seem to help myself. Maybe the best thing is to just try to forget about it entirely for say a month...

Similar here that second child killed it for me. Husband refuses to have the snip and I'm sick of natural family planning meaning no full piv sex I am mid cycle and horný. He is frustrated but doesn't take about it, rather tries to grope me when I am half asleep or huff and puff passively aggressively if I'm not in the mood, which kills it entirely.

On top of a few other things i don't know how we come back from this.

Lack of sex is definitely something both parties should be discussing openly and ironing out. I don’t think is a case of let me wait and see what happens. I have read stories where couples go on forever without sex, no idea how they do it. If I remember correctly, wife mentioned family planning a couple of years ago, she mentioned the cool thing, I just told her not to bother as there won’t be sex anyways, I have tried to force myself but it isn’t just right. Did your just say size 10 with kids? That’s Gold in my own world. He definitely needs to be providing you with some real answers.

Coil I meant

Lack of sex is definitely something both parties should be discussing openly and ironing out. I don’t think is a case of let me wait and see what happens. I have read stories where couples go on forever without sex, no idea how they do it. If I remember correctly, wife mentioned family planning a couple of years ago, she mentioned the cool thing, I just told her not to bother as there won’t be sex anyways, I have tried to force myself but it isn’t just right. Did your just say size 10 with kids? That’s Gold in my own world. He definitely needs to be providing you with some real answers.

Wow...aren't you a prize. Your wife has always been overweight but you decide now that she is unworthy of your love because of it?
I'm assuming you are drop dead gorgeous?

Op, I think only your dh can explain what is going on and if he won't have that conversation then you need to suggest counselling as a means of trying to save your marriage. Sex, or at least intimacy is what separates a partner from a friend or family. It doesn't have to be earth shattering, daily, hanging from the chandelier sex but nothing at all would kill me and my marriage.

Also, he "doesn't like pregnant bodies or breast feeding breasts"?! But I assume he wanted children? He knows that comes with the territory right and that it's a beautiful thing that he should be in awe of you for? He sounds like he has some issues he may need help to work through.

Wow...aren't you a prize. Your wife has always been overweight but you decide now that she is unworthy of your love because of it?

Why are you associating love and sex. He can still love his wife without wanting to have sex. They are different concepts entirely.

Wrong Sunshineandflipflops,

I am not drop dead gorgeous, I am your regular 5’ 11’, average body, eat whatever I want but very active, footie once a week and gym when I have the time, cycle to work sometimes too. Weight issues with wife dates back 7yrs - before marriage, I got the assurance it would be worked on, I made it clear it was a deal breaker so I didn’t just wake up after 7yrs and say, okay, love is gone because of weight. Wife on the other hand is overweight, not active at all and lazy (she won’t accept that). I have accepted this as a mistake as I should have looked closely, MIL is obese too and so is the rest of family. It’s a battle I can’t win so that’s why I am cashing out.

feel your pain op, i just don’t know what happened to our sex life, it’s absolutely soul destroying. my relationship is fucked ...... oh the irony!

Well on the points upthread about weight etc, I think it’s the intention and effort that’s important. I agree that my husband SHOULD see the beauty and majesty(!) of a pregnant or postpartum body, but not everyone does- just like not everyone finds very thin or very fat or tattooed bodies etc attractive. But I’m making a (big) effort with my appearance, from weight to make up to new clothing, in a way that I know he approves of. So far 48hs into the holiday and nothing, although some vague chat about “we should find the time when the children are napping”. Which was said when we were lying in bed together without children in the room, so not sure what the hold up is. I’m wondering if DH needs a blood test to rule out anaemia or anything else tiredness-inducing, but he seems able to stay up watching tv etc as previously mentioned, so seems unlikely. I remain irritated but am trying to stay positive, enjoy my change of scenery and my lovely kids, and my lovely new nails/hair/outfits!

As others have said, it sounds like he is watching porn. There is really no point you making all this effort if that's what he's doing.

You need to have a conversation with him about the porn.

OP is your DH overweight? Does he have sleep apnea? Has he had his testosterone tested? What about a general health check to see if any health issues cause his libido problems? What about depression?

Would he be willing to check all the above?

It is not normal for a couple your age to have an asexual marriage. But this can only be solved by both being involved in working things out. I am speaking from experience as my marriage has suffered from similar issues.

Would he accept going to sex counselling? Or even generic counselling? You can start this on your own too if he doesn't want to participate.

Would he agree to opening the marriage?

OP,

I'll tell you what, don't worry yourself too much on this vacation, just enjoy yourself as much as you want. When you've got the time, maybe when you are back home, sit him down and ask him to tell you the truth. Reality is that there's a reason why he isn't making the move, I know some people have mentioned porn but that might not be the case. Just tell him it's not a problem whatever it is, that you just want to know. For example, I am in a sexless marriage myself, I even want to distance myself further when she starts arguing. It could be anything and we don't know.

I have a long miserable story about this issue which I won't go into here.

The problem is with this situation that it gets right under your skin which makes it difficult to manage. Everything becomes infected with the rejection and confusion . Everything you do becomes about hoping the situation will change. The power dynamic gets totally off-balance. In this climate if your partner isn't on board - seriously - you are in trouble. Beware of the drip feeding and 'management'. The drops of hope and vague intentions.That's the stuff that keeps in shitsville - year after year.

If he won't 'hear' you then you will have to think very carefully about your future. But first you will need a plan of action. May I suggest the following?

When you are back off your holiday sit down and tell him how it makes you feel. Don't go on and on, don't cry. Then tell him you love him and would like him to tell you the truth. At this point he will likely dissemble and hand you the usual lines. Don't say anything, just watch him carefully and listen.

Then say. "i love you, our family means the world to me. Please tell me the truth". Again be quiet and watch him, because sometimes we are so concerned with our turmoil and so full of hope that it's ok, we are without knowing it, avoiding the truth ourselves.

If he flaps about or worse says - "but I just told you bla bla bla". You are in a relationship with a man who doesn't really care (or thinks he doesn't) about you and is taking his family totally for granted.

Do not enter into a discussion, you are just assessing the situation and listening to your intuition.

When this ended, watch him in silence for a few seconds, then get up and leave the room, go out if you can.

You will then need to think about what you just witnessed. Follow your gut, don't hide behind hope.

What I'm saying is you need to take back control of yourself and your life, because at this point he has it doesn't he? But for this, you will need to be prepared to follow through and play a long careful game.

I suspect after this he will offer token sex to keep you in line for a while, but nothing has changed.

Rinse and repeat, until you have accepted the truth about where you stand. What's crucial is that you step out of the rejected mindset and 'see' what is really going on. It's not you it's him.

You should also ask him if he thinks his porn use is an issue? Again watch and assess.

Unfortunately (I'm 59) these are not easy problems to solve. In truth I think it's the death nell. Unless you can have a partner who can be really honest.

Unfortunately even if he is - is his truth acceptable to you? I mean really - politically? If he talks about your body parts changing, your clothes. Is it valid or is he just a cliched lazy entitled male? Have you become 'the wife' while he indulges in porn and fantasy - you don't have to accept that. You can choose to be above that bullshit and set your own rules.

Above all do not be the lobster in the pot.

Personally I would never allow myself to get into this situation again. My long term relationship ended after 25 years, but I should have done the above and been courageous enough to leave after about 10 years. I thought I couldn't survive, I just couldn't conceive of life without 'us', but now I see I would have survived and gained so much more, instead of just losing and losing.

Incidentally, I had a 12 month relationship afterwards that was great to begin with, we were so well suited on so many levels, but soon he started avoiding sex, offering a variety of excuses. I woke up in the middle of the night one evening and knew he was downstairs on porn. I had to listen to all his bullshit, including "when will YOU stop doing this to us". I left him the next day, he was totally broken hearted. But I gained so much self respect.

Don't stand for it - this is your life - take back control. Even if that means dreadful pain, probably over a few years, in the short(ish) term. Because nothing is worse than looking back over years of your precious life and finally seeing the truth backwards, when it was there under your nose all along.

Good luck.

This really resonates with me Rosabug! It’s exactly what happens here. We talk - he insists there is no issue, it’s just busy lives due to the children and sometimes even makes out he is the martyr as he is respecting me due to me being tired. Then there will be some token sex and a week of affection and then it’s back to normal.

I’m fairly certain it’s a porn issue here. We go to bed at the same time, one of us will say let’s go to bed, but then I go straight to bed and he finds things to do for 10-15 minutes such as letting the dog out and then he locks himself in the bathroom for half an hour every single night without fail. He also uses the main bathroom shower now (which that bathroom has a lock) as opposed to our en-suite shower (which has a sliding door that can not be locked). He denies it of course, and even the time when he claimed to be showering but his phone was connected to his smart watch which he left downstairs in the kitchen and that showed he was watching porn (I was making the children breakfast, and it lit up with it on, I wasn’t snooping) he initially denied until I explained what I had seen and then he made out he was looking up something someone at work had told him about as he didn’t know what it was!

@thehiddenaway

you could try a different tactic. after he comes to bed ask him nicely and with kindness what is it he gets from porn.

accept no denials - just tell him you know he does, it's ok, but you want him to explain what it is he thinks is going on.

because all men and a lot of woman have an individual sexuality which they are entitled too, but when it is making the other half unhappy and subtracting from the relationship then that is a problem.

could he restrict his porn usage? and what does he think could be done to improve your sex life.

if you get no satisfactory engagement then you have a more serious problem.

Well we had an opportunity for time to ourselves a couple of days ago and had agreed that we could use the time to kickstart things physically, but when it came to it I just couldn’t get into the mood. I guess when you don’t use a skill for a while you get rusty! And with everything that’s been going on, I obviously didn’t feel emotionally comfortable either.

However, that precipitated a long and honest discussion later that day about what has been working and not working so well in the relationship, me feeling uncared for and insecure about my post-birth body (especially down below after one particularly horrific birth), and things seem to be improving. We’re making an effort to be kinder and more present, and respectful, and make an effort. Hopefully that will improve things physically soon...

Well obviously now that I’ve started a thread, he suggests sex, but as I said here last night I couldn’t so I did tell him as much.

Of course he did. He knew you were having your period and he knows you, so he knows you'd be less likely to want sex (not a fan myself). So he suggests it. The next time you bring the issue up, he'll say he offered but you said no, so you rejected him and it's your fault.

Sorry, missed your last update

I’ve been there OP, and I remember that holiday. The feeling of being rejected, wrong, repulsive, a pest, seeps into every aspect of life. I should have left then, but we had a 2 year old and I had no idea how I would survive.

I finally left 18 years later. My life is immeasurably better and I am married to a wonderful man. ExDH is still alone He’s a good person, just a bad husband (terrible with money too, but that’s another story).

It wasn’t porn, though, or not only porn - I am fairly certain he is gay, but still closeted, which makes me sad for him.

Difficult as it may be to accept, he probably doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore. Sometimes the switch is turned off and often pregnancy and babies is the trigger. Some men find it hard to separate seeing their partners as sexual beings when they become mothers.

@Cloudyroom

Difficult as it may be to accept, he probably doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore. Sometimes the switch is turned off and often pregnancy and babies is the trigger. Some men find it hard to separate seeing their partners as sexual beings when they become mothers.

That wouldn’t be difficult, it would be totally unacceptable. We promised in sickness and in health, forever, etc. Not “only while you’re still a young, childfree hottie”.