Why am I in such a state?

[usercryingmessno1]

Me and my partner of six years fell out over the weekend over something ridiculous.
He was already out when it happened and hasn’t been back since, only to pick up clothes.
He has now said that’s it and doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I feel awful. One minute I’m ok and Trying to be practical and the next can’t stop crying. My heart is racing, I feel sick. I literally feel despair. He won’t talk, just send horrible messages and blames me for everything wrong in his life.
I’m worrying about the house being split, money, just everything.
I just feel a mess and he doesn’t even care.
I also lost my Dad a few weeks ago and was already struggling with that but this feeling is the worst I’ve ever felt .. I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t even want to go to sleep tonight as I know what I’ll be facing tomorrow!!

@Mary1935 He’s done this a few times over the years but this is the worst he’s ever been. He wasn’t very supportive a few years ago when I lost someone close and here we are again.
I rent so I’m going to try and take over the tenancy hopefully. My son is 19 and he’s going to help me bless him. Luckily, I’ll be ok job wise (I hope) but Coronavirus Isn’t helping as everything is so uncertain.

Thanks @TheStuffedPenguin that sounds like a good idea as everything I do is reminding me of him. Especially the evenings.

I feel a bit wobbly this morning but I’m going to try and get done as much as I can.
We were decorating and had ordered brand new furniture and furnishings Which are just sitting around. Think I’ll try and sort that out and continue with what we had planned with it all. It’s been hard all week accepting these deliveries when we had planned it together. I just can’t believe I thought everything was fine and then halfway through the day that’s it .. over.
He’s coming over at the weekend and I’m dreading it even though I desperately want to see him and talk face to face as he’s just ignored me all week.

Hi OP.

I couldn't forgive someone who behaved like this. As a PP said, he seems to be engineering this for attention. Even if he isn't, could you put someone through this just after they've lost their father? I know I couldn't behave like that to anyone, let alone a partner. The fact that he has form for it - I'd walk away now without looking back. In fact I would run. And I wouldn't want to see him at the weekend. He's on a massive power trip - there's no way I'd entertain it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. And do keep that list of what you don't like about him. I did the same with an ex who pulled the rug from under me. I thought my world had ended at the time. Looking back, I'm so glad he did it. And he did try to wheedle his was back, but I'd moved on by then. I had counselling and took myself off on an activity holiday. That definitely helped a lot.

The other thing I would add is that it is not just about that argument . Something has been brewing in him and he has used that as an excuse. You will be amazed at what you will achieve !

He’s coming over at the weekend

And he'll expect you to apologise, grovel and beg him back, and pander to him and his childishness, and not question his lies in future.

You say he has form for being unsupportive before this - that's not being a loving partner is it?

If he has done this before, he will continue to do it if he feels he can. Sounds like him coming back at the weekend will be his window to twist the situation.

Do you want to be with someone who does this repeatedly, never knowing you're safe?
Do you want to be with someone who does this when you've just lost someone close?

Keep strong when he comes over. Don't let him weasel back in.

These things take time, especially on top of losing your dad.

Once he's picked up any stuff of his, then block him on everything, you'll feel better for it. Is there anywhere you could leave his stuff, so you're not hanging around waiting for him to decide to call?

If you're in the UK there's a programme that helps unemployed people set up a small business. You'd have to claim Universal Credit first www.gov.uk/government/collections/new-enterprise-allowance-campaign

But I think setting it up alongside working is probably your best bet. xx

Nothing much useful to say OP, other than he sounds like a self absorbed, weak, heartless bastard and you sound perfectly lovely, you deserve a whole lot better than this

You are all absolutely right and I know this deep down. It’s just scary to admit it.
I know we will be fine as we were before, I am going to try and take over the house, I have a great family and my son is amazing. I’ve got my new business venture hopefully and I don’t need to worry about finances for a short while. I do deserve better and will be strong when he comes over.
I was doing well at the beginning of the week ignoring him and being civil but he implied that he hadn’t decided what he wants and wanted to talk first so to wait. There was still a chance or so I thought so I told him I wanted us to try again and opened up to him to which he ignored. Then when I don’t reply, he says things again. It just messes with your emotions and I need to take charge.
I have known for a while that I can never rely on him for anything and I know I deserve a man that helps me through the tough times, not add to it. A man that encourages me and praises and pushes me, Not a man that sits back and watched me struggle.
I just wish time would hurry up and I can be over this already.
Your words have been just what I needed to hear

I had a feeling that when a bit more back-story came out, it would be perfectly clear why he did this - and it is. He is thankfully removing himself from your life.

In the meantime, your grief will probably be as much, if not more, to do with your father than with him, and I would seek out professional support to work through that because it's getting conflated with your relationship to a shitty man.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon, OP.

Hello there - how are you today - was thinking about you today - hope you're feeling a wee bit stronger. Remember everyone on this thread is routing for you xxxx

You beat me to it @BBCONEANDTWO I was just coming here to check in.

Proves she is right tho. People here are rooting for you

Oops. Assuming you are female.

@BBCONEANDTWO and @SepticTankYank I have had a much better day today. Thank you for thinking of me. Oh and I’m female 😂
I must have just got into such a state yesterday. I was so worried about waking up this morning and having another day like yesterday but thankfully, it hasn’t been.
I still have an anxious knot in my stomach and can’t switch off from the situation but I’ve made myself keep busy. Hopefully I have more days like today than yesterday.
I’ve got the ball rolling with a couple of things and have finished off the decorating that we started together so me and my son can now enjoy it as I’m going to do everything I can to stay in the house.
It’s just so sad though as it’s what we chose together and were only ordering nice things the night before so I’m constantly asking myself why he would do that if he was so unhappy.
He’s meant to be coming over tomorrow to go through a few household things but as usual, I’ve not heard a thing. I’m dreading seeing him and feel like I can’t prepare until I know what the plan is for tomorrow but he’s keeping me hanging like he has done all week.
I just don’t understand why he can’t be a grown up and have some decency and get things sorted. If he doesn’t want to go over what’s happened with us, I have to accept that as hard as it is to accept and know it’s his issue and his inability to communicate.
We were together a long time and I truly thought he loved me so I can’t get my head around why he’s being so horrible.

[quote usercryingmessno1]**@BBCONEANDTWO* and @SepticTankYank* I have had a much better day today. Thank you for thinking of me. Oh and I’m female 😂
I must have just got into such a state yesterday. I was so worried about waking up this morning and having another day like yesterday but thankfully, it hasn’t been.
I still have an anxious knot in my stomach and can’t switch off from the situation but I’ve made myself keep busy. Hopefully I have more days like today than yesterday.
I’ve got the ball rolling with a couple of things and have finished off the decorating that we started together so me and my son can now enjoy it as I’m going to do everything I can to stay in the house.
It’s just so sad though as it’s what we chose together and were only ordering nice things the night before so I’m constantly asking myself why he would do that if he was so unhappy.
He’s meant to be coming over tomorrow to go through a few household things but as usual, I’ve not heard a thing. I’m dreading seeing him and feel like I can’t prepare until I know what the plan is for tomorrow but he’s keeping me hanging like he has done all week.
I just don’t understand why he can’t be a grown up and have some decency and get things sorted. If he doesn’t want to go over what’s happened with us, I have to accept that as hard as it is to accept and know it’s his issue and his inability to communicate.
We were together a long time and I truly thought he loved me so I can’t get my head around why he’s being so horrible.[/quote]
Hi - glad you're feeling better today - but please be warned you will be up and down for a while - nothing for you to be ashamed of though.

The reason he can't grow up is he's an idiot - sorry to be so abrupt. You need to not feel sorry for him if he comes tomorrow and tries to worm his way back in, or tries to make out that he's sorry etc etc.

It's so difficult but you're doing great and you are obviously able to articulate yourself which is more than he can.

Please get back after tomorrow to let us all know how you are xxxx hugs to you xxx

Thanks @BBCONEANDTWO I’ll let you know tomorrow but I still haven't heard anything though. I don’t know what’s going on. Heist really hate me for whatever reason as I don’t know why else he is dragging this out ..

I am going absolutely crazy today!!
I text him late last night as I hadn’t heard anything about him coming over this weekend and I’ve had as usual, absolutely no reply.
I feel so on edge and sick today and every time I hear a car door, I’m thinking it’s him just turning up.
Is he doing this to teach me a lesson as he said I was so bossy and wants to show who’s boss or what?
Why is he dragging this out?
Why can’t he just send a text to arrange us getting together to sort the practical things out?
Why is nobody telling him to get his act together with this?
Why, if I was so terrible, is he not wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible?
Why is he not even acknowledging the messages. Even if he said to me ‘Look, I’m busy or whatever, I’ll let you know’ but he’s not.
Im driving myself crazy today with all the ‘Whys’.
Why did we seem happy last week and all of a sudden we are now in this situation?
My Mum told me earlier that I’ll probably never get the answers but it’s making things so hard.
A few members of my family are completely in shock as they’d all mentioned to each other how he had really come out of himself recently and was making so much more effort with everyone so why?
Arrrgh, If anyone has been in a similar situation, did you find out why they behaved this way?
I feel like I can’t move forwards

Ugh this is awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He is doing this on purpose. Like you say, why can't he just send a quick text to let you know what's going on? The answer is he can, but he's choosing not to because he knows how anxious this will be making you feel, and he's enjoying it. Remember this when he eventually gets in touch (because he will, once he feels like he's left you hanging for long enough). He's banking on leaving you hanging until you're so anxious that when he finally does get in touch you'll be so pathetically grateful that you'll forgive everything.

Stay strong. Can you make some other plans? Don't let your weekend be dictated by him. Can you go and visit a friend or someone, or even just go for a walk? And preferably leave your phone at home or keep it on silent. I know going out for a walk will be the last thing you feel like doing right now but it's amazing how much it can help. thinking of you.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, did you find out why they behaved this way?

And in answer to this - because they can. You can drive yourself mad trying to find that magic answer of why they behaved that way but you'll never truly understand because you're not a narcissistic arsehole who thrives on making other people feel shit. That's literally the only reason why they behave like this. Just keep reminding yourself that you're not that kind of person and that's why you will never understand

Thanks @chocolateandpinkgin .. You are right and thank you.
He’s adamant he’s made the right decision and told me so himself throughout the beginning of the week .. Told me he’s happy etc so why make me suffer any more?! If he’s so pleased with his decision, why not just sort the practical things out so he can be free and we can both move on?!
A walk might be a good idea .. Think I will give that a try .. Thank you.

I’m no expert, but I’ve read about this countless times on here. He thinks you want to try again, so he’s just keeping you dangling so that when he does turn up, you will be all sorry about whatever ‘wrong’ you have committed, promise never to question him again and beg for his forgiveness. It’s worked in the past, so he has no reason to doubt that it will work again.

Please let this be the last time has an opportunity to do this to you. Don’t contact him again, its what he wants. He will turn up sooner or later, the big ‘I Am’ expecting things to go back to normal.

Try to detach, be fairly pragmatic in your responses. You are wasting your time trying to find out ‘why’. It’s him, it’s all on him. You were not to blame.

I sincerely hope you don’t take him back. Draw a line under this and move on with your lovely son and family. In time you will meet someone who doesn’t treat you this way. Good luck.

Thanks @Gawdzilla
He’s finally text to say he’s coming over tomorrow and I feel settled already! That was all I needed to know.
I just needed to get the ball rolling so we can move on. I know it’s going to be hard so want it over with as soon as possible. He was definitely right about me being impatient but I like to get on with things.
Of course I’m sad, more than sad but I know this isn’t going to kill me. It will also be good to have a happy house again without us all walking on eggshells, being able to go out when I went with who I want, Not worry about my amazing family coming over and being too loud .. I could go on. This is what I need to be focusing on.
If in the future I meet someone else, I just have to make sure that they enhance our lives rather than drag us down.
I never thought I’d be in this situation but I suppose I just have to get my head down and get on with it. It is for the best and I know that deep down. Thank you for all of the support the last few days .. I didn’t realise it could help so much

Take hold of the reins. Change things. Text him back and tell him you’re only available in the afternoon (go for a walk in the morning or something). Don’t let him make you sit around all day feeling nervous- give him a time.

Make a list of things you want to sort out. Print out a copy for him too. Show him you’re serious.

If he’s done this before (been completely unsupportive when you’ve lost someone) then this is his second chance gone. My friend’s husband did this to her when her dad died. She nearly left him but didn’t. Two years later she got terminally ill and he was just as unsupportive throughout her illness and death. I wish she’d left him the first time!

Make a list of all the good things you’ve got going on. Your good friends. Your mum. The newly decorated house. Little things. Keep looking at it when he’s here and reminding yourself that you don’t need someone who treats you so badly when you really need someone to lean on.

@Honeyroar Thank you. Your poor friend .. I’m so sorry to hear that.
I had said to him a few times, especially in the last couple of years what would he do if I ever got seriously ill as I know he would never cope with it. He couldn’t cope with much at all and had lived quite a sheltered and easy life before me so he wasn’t wired for the big things in life. Whereas I’d had a child young and have had quite a few struggles over the years and have had to cope. He’d also never lost anyone so doesn’t understand how it feels. It’s not my fault and it’s not his, we were just different.
That’s a good idea about having a list together of what needs sorting. I’ll just try and keep it business like with no emotion. I’ll try and arrange something for afterwards too so I don’t have to be alone and dwell
I have written a list this afternoon with all of the things I’d like to do so I’m going to focus on that and ticking off as many as I can over the next few months. It’ll give me something to fill my time with too as I’m feeling a bit lost as we lived in each other’s pockets.
I’d even just walked to the shop and told my son that even this was strange as we’d go together. My son suggested crossing over and walking on the other side so that’s what we did. I’ll create new routines even if it’s as ridiculous as that.
I am feeling quite excited at the prospect of a new and different future .. I just hope I can keep the bad days as few as possible.

Add to the list - if he’s not here tomorrow afternoon, go for a walk. Don’t sit and wait. If he says anything about you’re so impatient say hey you left me. You managed to get to that point pretty bloody quickly. I didn’t see you thinking her dad just died I should be more patient or it’s been x years I should try being patient. You are getting exactly what you asked for, and you still want to blame me for everything.