Please no bashing

[lalasma]

I am feeling totally lost, deflated. First time posting I don't know where else to turn. have a 6 year old dd to abusive partner (doesn't work, doesn't do housework, doesn't pay bills, has had my car vandalised, the list is endless, you can imagine)I have stupidly found myself here pregnant again to him. My dd has never know a life where is isn't me who works full time and does everything for her. She also knows I am not treated very well. I can't be away from me for long periods except work as a result of this. I have a good job and am a good mum aside from allowing this to have ruled our entire lives even if it might not seem so. I have no idea why I have felt this is the treatment I deserve for the past 12 years. The cycle is awful and the longer it continues the less of a human you begin to feel. Every day is worse. I don't need anyone to make me feel worse than I already do I know how stupid I sound right now to anyone who's probably never found themselves in a situation like this. Since finding out I am pregnant again the instinct to run for our lives and never look back has never been so strong but from all that I've taken I can't help but feel like I wouldn't be enough for my children alone I feel so weak and pathetic, the thought of a life free from this gives me a warm feeling inside. I feel so lost, of course family friends hate him as we've been put through so much over the years which I don't blame them for but feel I have no where to turn. I have made terrible decisions but not with bad intentions.

Thank you for the advice. I will try and locate the department who tried to contact me. I am really concerned with his history there may be concerns. From what I have been told he has abused another female he was involved with (that I was not aware)of and that this is on record also as she had to move house etc. I only recently found out about all of this too, many horrible aspects to this situation.

You're doing really well OP, you should be proud.
Most of us who have been through some sort of abuse know it's not as easy as just throwing sometime out / blocking them etc.

Step by step, you'll get there. First steps were to acknowledge something needs to change and you did that here.
Then it was to contact people / agencies who can help you and you've done that with women's aid and the GP.

Don't discount your friends and family. I know people who have shut me out because of situations like yours and I wouldn't care if 10 years had passed, if they contacted me and said they needed help, I would help and I'll bet your friends and family are the same.

Keep imagining that life you want. If it helps, write it down (somewhere he will never find it).
What is the ultimate goal? Then look at what steps do you need to do to get there? Break it down into smaller and smaller steps and all of a sudden, it will seem doable

Really proud of you.you will look back on this in the future and be so glad you escaped

Your kind encouraging words are keeping me going here I have been blinded by tears all morning. Barely able to concentrate on my work but probably good to have some distraction.

My goal would be to live without him in my life. I feel immense guilt at even admitting that. That somehow I owe me being miserable for an eternity to him. I want to live with my daughter in peace and happiness. I don't have fancy or expensive aspirations only to have enough to get us by and not have to live in this fear. Women's aid were great and made me feel less bad about still being in this situation.

This is not your fault. Dont blame yourself. You and your daughter deserve a happy peaceful life. Dont let him bring you down or make you feel worthless. He wants you to feel that way so you never leave him,its part of the process for abusers. And in actual fact he knows you deserve a million times better,and you will one day. Oh and don't worry about your little girl as it will be an adventure for her

She is wonderful and never lets anything get her down. She deserves better and more than this example.

the thought of a life free from this gives me a warm feeling inside.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and transport you straight there.

This is the book someone else mentioned;
Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

And this one teaches you how to spot and weed out most of these types early on in the relationship before they get too invested;
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf

@Thelnebriati thank you I will start on these tonight when dd asleep

you have to find a way of leaving safely ( without telling him) do it for your daughter otherwise this could end in tragedy

fight the demons in your head that say you're not worth better and concentrate on the ones that give you hope & encouragement and tell you there is a better life waiting for you & kids

It is frightening to find yourself living in this and even scarier that it is my normal now. It's like being on the outside looking in at everyone else living their lives having this going on but not knowing how to break this cycle.

OP well done for realising you need to escape. He's worn you down and your confidence is shot ( I've been there). You've had good advice on here.

Can I recommend that you have a read /look at trauma bonding (on YouTube.etc) It explains very well the hold these people have and why you cant " just leave". It did help me to understand why I thought I couldnt live without someone who abused me.

I must have read through these replies 100 times since last night to keep myself going.

[quote lalasma]@Thelnebriati thank you I will start on these tonight when dd asleep [/quote]
Start with 'why does he do that?' that's the one that's most relevant to you right now. Good luck OP. We are here for you. x

Hope you are doing okay and your weekend has been as good as can be. We are thinking of you and are here for you OP.

I have calmed down a lot. Still fretting. Spoke to my gp this morning. She was wonderful, she always is. Still very confused but I think my heart knows what I am going to do. I have been giving a pregnancy counselling number and the number to call to arrange a scan. He is still showing me 100 reasons a day as to why I should be far away from him. I don't know if that's making me feel worse or better as I know I'm doing the right thing for us all.

Stay strong OP. When you see this through your life will be a million times better.
Go and don't look back. Rally your support, GP, women's aid, friends.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Even if your children never set eyes on him again you are showing them what you're all worth. Better than what he can give you. No one should live in fear and be abused.

When you make that clean break he will beg, plead, promise to change. Then he will tell everyone you're an unfit mother, you left him, you broke up the family. But you are strong, and giving your kids the best life possible. Without him.

Wishing you all the best OP, you can do this. Imagine the life you want and go for it. He doesn't own you.

If still haven't spoken to anyone else. If don't think I will make it through the week keeping this all in though. Sounds pathetic even typing it but it he last thing I ever want to be to anyone is a disappointment

@lalasma You are NOT pathetic. Always tell yourself that. He is pathetic. The only way to trap someone long enough to put up with him is to degrade, abuse and manipulate. THAT is pathetic.
Safeguard yourself and your children, take those steps, do whatever it takes. And when you look back on this you'll realise that you were the strongest and bravest woman going.

I've known for as long as my girl has been alive that I have had to get free of this. You'd think it would be the opposite but the longer your in it the harder it is to see a way out. If I stay in this I know my children will never know a happy life

Op, I hope you know that people care.
I know from experience you and your wonderful DD can have a lovely life together.
Relaxed, and without fear in the home.
She will be so grateful one day that you broke free.
X

@thesunwillout thanks. Right now In my head my news is just going to cause a lot of upheaval, stress and angst for those around me but I am almost sure that they wouldn't want me suffering the same way I wouldn't want them to.