Please no bashing

[lalasma]

I am feeling totally lost, deflated. First time posting I don't know where else to turn. have a 6 year old dd to abusive partner (doesn't work, doesn't do housework, doesn't pay bills, has had my car vandalised, the list is endless, you can imagine)I have stupidly found myself here pregnant again to him. My dd has never know a life where is isn't me who works full time and does everything for her. She also knows I am not treated very well. I can't be away from me for long periods except work as a result of this. I have a good job and am a good mum aside from allowing this to have ruled our entire lives even if it might not seem so. I have no idea why I have felt this is the treatment I deserve for the past 12 years. The cycle is awful and the longer it continues the less of a human you begin to feel. Every day is worse. I don't need anyone to make me feel worse than I already do I know how stupid I sound right now to anyone who's probably never found themselves in a situation like this. Since finding out I am pregnant again the instinct to run for our lives and never look back has never been so strong but from all that I've taken I can't help but feel like I wouldn't be enough for my children alone I feel so weak and pathetic, the thought of a life free from this gives me a warm feeling inside. I feel so lost, of course family friends hate him as we've been put through so much over the years which I don't blame them for but feel I have no where to turn. I have made terrible decisions but not with bad intentions.

I spoke to woman's aid before and made an appointment and chickened out and told them I'd rearrange. I have had so many instances of threats, doors being kicked, shouting outside my home when I try to take back my own life. In the past when he has caused a scene the police have attended but it hasn't ever come to anything as by that time he's long gone. I associate making the right decisions for myself with paying for it immensely afterwards. I imagine myself away from this as being independent, happy. I don't know why I don't already see myself as independent given that I do everything myself already. Just do ground down.

Nothing is going to change until he is out of your life. So you need to work towards that goal. I can't see any other way to deal with this.

I am well aware I am holding myself prisoner in this situation and I need to say no more. I want my daughter to be proud of me I am ashamed, it's is a quieter more relaxed calmer enviroment when just us two. I seem to feel like I owe this person my misery somehow. It's the strangest thing.

@lalasma

I spoke to woman's aid before and made an appointment and chickened out and told them I'd rearrange. I have had so many instances of threats, doors being kicked, shouting outside my home when I try to take back my own life. In the past when he has caused a scene the police have attended but it hasn't ever come to anything as by that time he's long gone. I associate making the right decisions for myself with paying for it immensely afterwards. I imagine myself away from this as being independent, happy. I don't know why I don't already see myself as independent given that I do everything myself already. Just do ground down.

This is why I think you need to get right away. Not just end the relationship with him but move house and have as few links with him as possible. Don’t give him the opportunity to drag you back in or threaten you.

So many people will have cancelled appointments with women’s aid. It’s common for it to take people a while to escape relationships like this. Don’t feel that that means you can’t go to them for help again.

I'm so sorry OP. Nobody would judge you. he has ground you down for years so you feel like you have no fight left. I hope you find some to get free of him

@lalasma

Thank you for the kind and understanding replies. Watching a movie with dd silent tears rolling down, don't worry she has not noticed. When I think of a life just us without him I think of safety, love, hope. She saw me slapped with a book the other day and it seemed in that instant that something my head just opened up, the thought of being in the same room as him makes me extremely anxious but as mentioned above these people are manipulative, they make you believe that you are not a whole person without them in a way. Before I met him I had my job that I have worked hard for since I was young, my own flat, new car. No idea why I decided to accept this for a life. If it was my dd in this situation I'd never forgive myself. She's so pure and caring and kind.

She saw you slapped. With a book. Please please leave him. Your daughter should not be seeing this. You are not protecting her and you need to tell people because his power over you is strong all the time people don't know! I would be so upset if you were my daughter and had not confided in me. Thats what this man wants. Complete control and you are giving it too him.

Call womens aid. Call the police. Take away his power over you. Please. I have been there, I got out, I am happy now. It can be done.

I read something interesting in a book, OP, called 'why does he do that?' (it's about abusive men). It said that on average it takes domestic violence victims 7 attempts to leave a violent/abusive relationship. That means that if you have attempted before, you can attempt again, and make it stick this time. It will stick in the end if you keep trying. You have to do it for yourself and for your daughter.

You sound like such a strong woman who has been beaten down. Make a plan, only you can decide what that is. Tell him to go and not come back, call the police every time he does, move without him, tell him to leave and contact all the people you've shut out and ask for help, I bet at least some are just waiting for you to be ready. Get the picture of your ideal world in your head and a plan for how to get there. Even if you're not ready yet you will have a plan you can refine, work out and then when you are ready you can do it. You can.

@lalasma

I spoke to woman's aid before and made an appointment and chickened out and told them I'd rearrange. I have had so many instances of threats, doors being kicked, shouting outside my home when I try to take back my own life. In the past when he has caused a scene the police have attended but it hasn't ever come to anything as by that time he's long gone. I associate making the right decisions for myself with paying for it immensely afterwards. I imagine myself away from this as being independent, happy. I don't know why I don't already see myself as independent given that I do everything myself already. Just do ground down.

He doesn't live with you? Thats easier then. Call the police every time he abuses you. Ask your neighbours to do this too. It gets easier every time.

Since finding out I am pregnant again the instinct to run for our lives and never look back has never been so strong

You could definitely do this.

Do you have a family that’s actually supports you and do you have good friends elsewhere in the country?

You have got the strength to realise your situation isn't right, you have the strength to go. Please do this. I left my abuser when my child was 9 months old. I thought it was only me that was scarred. My daughter was absolutely traumatised by those first 9 months of life, she screamed when men were in the room, had nightmares and flinched often. It took years of a loving safe environment to fix it. Your life and your children's life will be so much better a million miles away from him.

I have great support from fil and mil which helps me work I would be lost without them. I have a small but decent family of my own too although they are less hands on with dd but still helpful. Mil and fil are encouraging me to move too. They make no secret of how they can't understand why I put up with it. Great group of friends too but I have closed my walls down the worse things have got, still very close I just stopped discussing things as I was repeating myself I know no one like a a broken record

It’s very easy for me to just type this but reach out to your family and your friends. Be brave and be honest about your reality and examine where you could go.

As to whether you keep the baby or not - only you can decide. But regardless, if you have someone you can confide in, somewhere you can move to, and local service you engage with promptly this isn’t a pipe dream. X

I know what i have to do I need to hope I can dig deep and be strong enough to get us through this I appreciate everyone's supportive words tonight. My head isn't a nice place to be at the moment the guilt, the hurt the absolute shame and embarrassment I can't tell you.

@lalasma

I know what i have to do I need to hope I can dig deep and be strong enough to get us through this I appreciate everyone's supportive words tonight. My head isn't a nice place to be at the moment the guilt, the hurt the absolute shame and embarrassment I can't tell you.

The shame and embarrassment isn't yours to carry - it's his for what he is doing to you.

The only guilt or shame that ever comes from him is when hungover or coming down from something. No conscience. The word psychopath has entered my mind more than once.

The only guilt or shame that ever comes from him is when hungover or coming down from something. Other than that I am always told I brought the situation or abuse on somehow. No conscience. The word psychopath has entered my mind more than once.

The only guilt or shame that ever comes from him is when hungover or coming down from something. Other than that I am always told I brought the situation or abuse on somehow. No conscience. The word psychopath has entered my mind more than once.

PLEASE READ OP
please ring woman's aid and book another appointment,they will help you with everything as they did my mum when I was a child. They will keep you safe,make sure you have everything you need,give legal advice and offer support. They are an amazing charity. And your little girl will be so so proud of you when she is old enough to understand and it will make her determined not to let anyone ever treat her like that. My mum is my hero. She's been through so much and still manages to be everyone's rock when we need her

Sorry for the 3x post it came up as failed to post

Most of it isn't physical it's more mental, emotional torment, decision making that has no regard for anyone but himself, no dependability, the screaming and name calling. The fact most of it isn't physical also makes you question yourself wether maybe you did say something wrong or if it's an issue with you yourself. Despite those thoughts I know this isn't living

I associate making the right decisions for myself with paying for it immensely afterwards

Only if you don't follow through and keep going back for more.

I also agree with the posts saying you need to move to a refuge.

Do it for your child.

I have spoke to woman's aid again this morning and called my gp who I can't speak to until Monday.

Well done for taking some steps this morning. This can't continue, your daughter is being taught that this is an acceptable way for women to be treated and that is how a cycle of abuse is perpetuated. She deserves more than that.

Can you also get back in touch with whatever force contacted you re Clare's Law previously?

I would do this for full knowledge but also to show that you are engaging with all appropriate services to protect your daughter which will help you if you go to court re contact.

Well done OP. I'm thinking of you and sending wishes for you to find strength and courage to move and to find a new peaceful life. You are a good person, you do not deserve the treatment you have been getting. You deserve to be free and happy and to know peace.