Sick to the back teeth of DH's childish sulking

[Vonni77]

We had a disagreement last night after I raised something that was bothering me, I was perfectly within my right to bring it up and just wanted a frank discussion. That was at around 6pm and he sulked until i went to bed at midnight.

I wake up this morning and he's still sulking, silently meandering about the house in a negative mood making preparations for the DSC to come today but not talking to anybody. This could go on for the rest of the day or rest of the week.

He is 35 years old, how would you deal with this short of telling him to grow the fuck up? I'm tired of not being able to communicate because this is always the outcome

What an absolute wanker. His behaviour is terrible, autistic traits or not.

There are couples who can work through infidelity and a sulky partner can look at their behaviour and take steps to change it, but it needs to come from him. If hes not willing to put the work in then I can't see how your relationship can work to your satisfaction.

I understand it must be daunting to leave a relationship but unless hes willing to change then you need to reconcile the fact that the situation will not improve.

My ex used that tactic. Caused such murder if I merely mentioned something horrendous he’d done to me that I was too scared too mention it. So he basically got away with cheating and all the other horrible things he was doing because I wasn’t allowed to talk about it

"There are several reasons I'm still with him to be honest.
Wanting to make the marriage work, financial security, not wanting to have to start all over again, because I still have love for him.
None of which trump what he's done to me I know".

Correct and none of these reasons are really good enough to stay with such a man either because he has shat all over those marriage vows you hold so dearly. I am wondering here if you are also confusing love with codependency; are you codependent?. You're not getting anything worthwhile here out of this and your resentment for him will only build further. He is now further emotionally abusing you by sulking so where is your red line here if not this or he already cheating on you?.

Love your own self for a change. He does not give a toss about any of the above and if he did truly love you he would not have wanted to cheat either. He still likes rubbing your nose in it and will still work with this other woman too.

You now have two children as well to consider; is this relationship really the model you want to be showing them as their blueprint for their normal?. No it is not and its not good enough for you either.

He like practically all abusers will and indeed still is refusing to take any responsibility for his actions. He certainly has not apologised to you for same. He feels entitled to act like this.

Our youngest was just 6 weeks old when I discovered it (now 15 months) and I convinced myself I needed him around so I agreed to stay on the condition he sought counselling for his issues, and we sought relationship counselling as a couple.

Neither thing has happened and the mere suggestion of me bringing it up last night has resulted in this.

Oh OP, unfortunately, because neither has happened in almost a year, he now knows he doesn't have to live up to any of your expectations. Sulking is controlling behaviour and clearly he is convinced he can control you.

I'd be telling him to go. He clearly has no intention o living up to any of his promises to you to seek counselling and now he's compounding it by doing his best to ensure you don't feel you can bring it up without rising a week long sulk. I'm sorry.

You and your child deserve so much better than this, OP.

Only two people can make a marriage work; he is showing you that he very clearly is not willing to do that.

Autism & being an arsehole are 2 separate issues.

I'd be gone ASAP. Who owns / rents the house?

Thank you all for the straight talking that I need to hear.

I have wondered whether I am codependent yes. I had a dysfunctional upbringing which only reinforced my desire to maintain a "proper family unit"

At the cost of my own well-being so far.

Our house is under both of our names.

OP ffs, are you joking?! The sulking is literally NOTHING compared to him cheating. Christ you can have financial security with someone else not a sulking cheat. You know exactly why he sulks and it's because he doesn't want to open the box of what he did, that will never change. Sorry OP but the ball is in your court entirely with this one. Don't moan and stay with the arsehole!

You are all telling me the same as my gut. Unfortunately I've purposefully silenced that in order to keep things how they are.

I'm coming down with a bug so I'm going to retreat to the bedroom today whilst he takes over with the children. I'll be doing some reading on codependency.

Sorry you're unwell Op but let him get on with the children. I expect he won't sulk with them?

Coming down with a bug? You should get a test immediately to make sure it’s not Covid and the whole house should be isolating. Sorry to interrupt with pandemic advice there!!

It's v unlikely be covid, NHS 111 diagnosed us with that in March based on symptoms me and DS has then and we did the mandatory quarantine.

I don't have a cough or temp and haven't lost my taste or smell.

He will be taking over with the DC but I'll have to stay up and watch mine until he gets back with his eldest.

I think it's just stress related.

We did go to the zoo on Tuesday and I distinctly remember getting ill after we went there last year so it's probably not a coincidence.

The problem with the co-dependency theory is it implies the victim is somehow pathological and doing something wrong. You're not wrong as a person and haven't done anything wrong. You're not the problem- he is.

Anyone would find the thought of striking out alone with a baby hard, that doesn't make them 'co-dependent.'

I'm not saying there isn't any value to ideas of co-dependency. But don't blame yourself. Anyone could end up in a situation where they are a victim of abuse/control. What matters is how we get out of it.

I do agree that 'people pleasing' can go to far, a good book I found was 'The Disease To Please.' www.amazon.co.uk/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

But at this stage I think you don't need to read up on how to improve yourself, there will be plenty of time for that in future. At this stage your time would be better spent planning how to separate from this wanker, when you're ready.

I have ASD traits by the way and I don't sulk around inflicting my moods on others to try and control them.

Thank you soulof I'll bare that book in mind.

I don't for one second think everybody with ASD behaves like him and I know the cheating has zero to do with his ASD.

Due to me being quite an empathic person I always look to understand other people and I often second guess my judgement when it comes to his lack of communication, stonewalling etc. In those moments I wonder whether maybe his ASD makes important conversations difficult and that contributes to him not wanting to discuss and face things head on.

I've spent a long time making excuses for him which suits him just fine and I need to stop that.

When he was cheating on me he convinced me he wasn't with another woman but was spending extended periods of time on his own because he was very down and needed to be alone with his thoughts. That's not ASD that's just cruel and dishonest, but because I'm aware of the ASD I allowed myself to be gaslighted and worry about him / try to understand his need to be alone.

Fuck his ASD. He’s a nasty piece of shit who doesn’t give a damn about you.

He sure is

so I agreed to stay on the condition he sought counselling for his issues, and we sought relationship counselling as a couple.

This is actually very clear and simple then. You stayed on the condition of him doing a thing. He hasn't . So you go (well, you stay with the kids and kick him out).

I've found out he will be having some limited but unavoidable contact with the woman he cheated with, and I want us/him to have counselling to identify the root cause and take steps to avoid it happening again with her or anybody else.

It's limited and unavoidable. I guess he is sick of having you throw it in his face every time he has to have contact with the woman. I'm not sure why he needs counselling for you to get over the issue.

Sulking is not a symptom of ASD. Sulking is just arsehole behavour.

@MintyMabel

I've found out he will be having some limited but unavoidable contact with the woman he cheated with, and I want us/him to have counselling to identify the root cause and take steps to avoid it happening again with her or anybody else.

It's limited and unavoidable. I guess he is sick of having you throw it in his face every time he has to have contact with the woman. I'm not sure why he needs counselling for you to get over the issue.

Are you for real?

It’s not a loving relationship OP. You feel like you need him for some reason, and he acts like he doesn’t like you. That’s not love. You can’t go on like this. You deserve someone who adores you.

Hopefully the counselling helps you self-esteem and you walk away from his abuse.
You want to work on the marriage but there’s nothing to work on.

Trying to emotionally detach and just observe him and his behaviour, also become aware of your reactions and thought patterns.

If you are very empathic and he has ASD I think it's quite easy to find it hard to establish the boundaries. We are the same- he's oblivious to my emotions, and I'm hypersensitive to his.

Mind you, I don't take much shit in this peri meno world, so he's starting to shape up.