Should I leave him? Porn-related :-(

[AhFeckWhatDoIDoNow]

DH and I have been married for five years, together for six. We have a baby daughter and we're both late thirties.

For the last two years, sex has dwindled away to nothing. We've only been intimate once since our DD was born; prior to that it was maybe five times in the course of a year. When we first got together we were very sexually active and we were very close.

When we've talked about it, which we've done several times, DH usually says that he doesn't feel that much of a drive, or when he was overweight, that his body was making him a bit shy. I've always reassured him, and accepted that if he doesn't feel like it then I shouldn't push him and hoped things would get back to normal eventually. I totally took any pressure off, and just let him know that when he was ready, I was keen to spark things up again.

Today I accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom. He was watching porn and had earphones in so he didn't hear me asking if he was in there when I was outside (the lock on the door is broken).

I feel so upset for two main reasons - firstly I really hate the thought of women being exploited. Secondly, why would he use porn instead of approaching me, his wife that loves him and wants to be with him sexually? It's not even that he's supplementing a relationship with porn, it's that he's choosing it instead of me. He must have a sex drive and desires, just not for me.

Do I leave him?

That’s so difficult for you OP. I’ve caught my DH watching porn before initially I was upset but am not so bothered now. But we have always had sex
Maybe try to talk to him when you feel calm and find out what he is feeling? If he can talk about it that is, you may find he tries everything to avoid it

I feel like he's been lying to me, @Lightline - the last time we talked about the lack-of-sex issue was probably three months ago and even then he just said he didn't really feel like it, although it was no reflection on me, he still fancies me etc.

I don't understand how this can be true, though. If he fancies me, wouldn't he want to have sex with me? Honestly, his behaviour up until now made me think he had zero sex drive, and that was okay with me, I just told him that I missed him and was looking forward to reconnecting in that way again when he was ready.

But he'd rather go and wank over other women in the bathroom, with me and DD downstairs. I feel so hurt.

You need to tell him all this, and talk about how you both feel. Maybe he's lazy and a wank is easy and effort free. That's not really ok if it means the two of have no shared sex life because he's wanking it away at every opportunity.

We did speak about it after it happened, @FlaskMaster - he knows how I feel, and he was just a bit sheepish and didn't really have much to say. He acknowledged that he understood why I felt hurt about it.

Problem is, if the desire and attraction is totally gone for him, and he just doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, is that something we can change? He insists he still finds me attractive but couldn't explain why he doesn't want to be intimate with me.

Well he does have desire, with porn... Id ask him to stop using Porn and start using you but honestly I'd feel totally deflated and unattractive. Obviously I don't know what he or you look like but there's clearly a problem...

Well he does have desire, with porn... Id ask him to stop using Porn and start using you but honestly I'd feel totally deflated and unattractive. Obviously I don't know what he or you look like but there's clearly a problem...

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

You're going to get such a mixed bunch of responses on here that I doubt it'll help you.

DH and I don't have sex often now since DS arrived and I couldn't care less if he watched porn 100 x a day or never

Agreed, @cosmicbabe - that's exactly how I feel; deflated and unattractive. Although, up until now, I was quite happy with how I look. I lost the small amount of pregnancy weight very quickly; I'm 5'6 and nine stone, reasonably fit from running every other day, I'm not a total stunner but I think I look pretty much the same as I did when we met.

I can't MAKE him fancy me. And frankly, I've tried all the sexy underwear etc. before I decided to take the pressure off him.

I'm almost angry now.

Obviously I don't know what he or you look like but there's clearly a problem

@cosmicbabe What are you implying? It doesn't sound very nice?

@AhFeckWhatDoIDoNow I don't think it reflects on you. Maybe he lacks confidence in his own appearance, as you've implied he said at one point. I have an active sex life by myself but wouldn't particularly want to with another person, mostly for that reason, that I don't want to be naked with anyone. He also could just be lazy and doesn't want to put the energy in.

But I suppose he should put more of an effort in for you.

The reason he does not want sex with you is that he has no desire because he is satisfying it with porn. You are right to be upset and you do need to take action, the problem will not resolve itself. A relationship rests on the understanding that sexual satisfaction will be provided in an agreed way and he is not doing this for you at the moment.

I think you have perhaps not pushed this enough, you need to make it clear to him that you feel neglected and you expect him to do more than look sheepish about things. He should be making you the object of his desires. Don't let this drift, a sexless relationship is not normal for couples in their thirties, sex is the glue in an LTR, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. And it's also a lot of fun.

@Anothernick

What a random bunch of general misconceptions you make there.

You sound like a stunner to me! I don't think it's about you, I think it's just become a habit because he's selfish and lazy, and sex as a parent takes more patience and timing. He can't be arsed. He'd rather please himself. He's probably given himself death grip as well. You need to ask him if he's willing to give it a fucking rest for a bit and make the effort to have sex with you, or if he can't be bothered so at least you know where you stand, and can think about whether that's good enough for you. But his laziness and selfishness is absolutely no reflection on how attractive you are.

I dont think @Anothernick is peddling misconceptions. What he said sounded fair to me.

Sex 5x a year is very infrequent pre-kids. Dwindling sex has always, always been the death knell in relationships for me, either me going off it, or them.

I have to say though that sometimes I cant be bothered with sex but a wank takes 5 minutes and has the benefit of being totally self-absorbed: no-one else to think about!

What kind of porn was it? Could he be gay? Five times a year is unusual pre kids. I get how you feel. I really do. Maybe he is just weak and lazy and freaked out by parenthood.

You need to ask him if he's willing to give it a fucking rest for a bit and make the effort to have sex with you

in a nutshell

I think it’s time for a serious discussion about the lack of sex.

The porn issue may not even be related, so l wouldn’t try and tie the 2 together in the conversation. There are plenty of men (and some women; l watch porn occasionally) who watch porn and enjoy regular sex.

You need to have an honest conversation about it all and see what he says about why he doesn't want sex anymore

I don't think this is definitely an issue with his attraction to you. If he's self conscious porn may just be 'easier' as it doesn't involve him being 'seen'. He might also be lazy and it's easier that way. Don't beat yourself up thinking it's you. That being said, you do have an issue. I don't think I'd leave him based on it though as you have a child.
There's a book called 'the surrendered wife' by Laura Doyle. Terrible title but it actually is very good and may help you restore some intimacy. I know when I've used some of her ideas and techniques things have definitely been more romantic with dh and I. She also has an fb group and does online sessions. I've only read her books and read her blogs but I know others who've done sessions too and got a lot out of them.

I wouldn't finish it because he watches porn, i would finish it because he doesnt care about your needs and wont discuss it.

Mismatched sex drives rarely work in relationships.

There's a whole host of reasons why a partner wouldn't want to be intimate with their OH, and it doesn't have to be a lack of attraction.

You've gone a long while without sex, this could just be a habit he's fallen into. Now he's mentioned previously that his perceived attractiveness was a factor in him not being forthcoming sexually. Imagine feeling so bad about your body that you don't want your wife to view it. That kind of shame has an impact.

He's, possibly, gotten himself into a mental position where sex is something he sees as a hurdle he can't quite get over. He may need some counselling.

Masturbation and sex are two very different things. Yes, they both have the same ultimate result of sexual gratification and orgasm, but one is an intimate act between two or more people, where you allow yourself to be fully seen and had, the other is self stimulation that ends in relief.
I've had it out with my OH before now about why I will masturbate on days where I don't feel like having sex. Honestly, masturbating serves a purpose. I'll use it to relax or to help with a headache. Sex will do neither of those things if I'm already tense and in pain.

As for porn, you can discuss your boundaries with your partner. You can also create and send him some material. It might be a good way to reintroduce the idea of physical intimacy between the two of you.

I hate porn and the way society is with it now.
It's a deal-breaker for some but not for others.
However, when it is affecting you relationship and sex life, it's a huge issue and it's not something I would put up with.

I'm sorry OP, you must feel so rejected. Porn is addictive to some people and they lose interest in real life sex, it just can't compete to the endless variety in porn. Would he be willing to give it up and see if he starts reawakening his desire for you? You sound very attractive but it's not about that, not about competing. You're one woman, none of us can compete with thousands of others in porn.

I'm sorry, OP. I'd feel rejected and angry in your situation. I hate porn - I don't watch it and nor does DP. The fact that your sex life has dwindled so much, that he makes excuses but is still able to jerk off and satisfy himself would all be red flags for me. Sex is important in a relationship, otherwise you're basically flatmates. The need to feel desired and to want to be physically intimate are cornerstones of a relationship. Sure, people's desires change depending on what's going on, but for someone in his 30s, his lack of sex drive would ring alarm bells.

What you do about it, I don't know. Lots of men seem to have porn addictions which means they fail to then have sex in real life. I've not heard of anyone going cold turkey from porn and putting effort into real life relationships, but I suppose it could happen?

I guess, ultimately, if things didn't change, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Iv been through this op and I felt so low after , I hated myself felt fat , ugly unloved and unwanted . I left for this reason because he wouldn't give it up . I am with some one new and for the last ten years . I told him my issues with it and he agreed not to use it , then I caught him and left . He asked me bAck . I said I would if this would t happen again and I mean it I'd be gone for real this time . One chance he's going to get and I would throw it all away . Youl get people on here saying they got no issue with it , you shouldn't , it's up to him what he wants to do blah blah but it's also alright to be be ok with the fact god husband is wanki g off to another naked women , men are truely disgusting

I dont know about anyone else but I can find someone attractive and not be sexually attracted to them.

He may not want to have sex with you as he’s become addicted to porn

He may use porn as he doesn't want to have sex with you as he doesnt find you sexually attractive any more

He may have madonna/whore complex and now sees you as a mother and non sexual being.

I think you have to take the direct approach and ask him if he actually fancies you and wants to have sex with you but the trouble is him saying no will end your marriage and he might not want that so will lie.