Should I leave him? Porn-related :-(

[AhFeckWhatDoIDoNow]

DH and I have been married for five years, together for six. We have a baby daughter and we're both late thirties.

For the last two years, sex has dwindled away to nothing. We've only been intimate once since our DD was born; prior to that it was maybe five times in the course of a year. When we first got together we were very sexually active and we were very close.

When we've talked about it, which we've done several times, DH usually says that he doesn't feel that much of a drive, or when he was overweight, that his body was making him a bit shy. I've always reassured him, and accepted that if he doesn't feel like it then I shouldn't push him and hoped things would get back to normal eventually. I totally took any pressure off, and just let him know that when he was ready, I was keen to spark things up again.

Today I accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom. He was watching porn and had earphones in so he didn't hear me asking if he was in there when I was outside (the lock on the door is broken).

I feel so upset for two main reasons - firstly I really hate the thought of women being exploited. Secondly, why would he use porn instead of approaching me, his wife that loves him and wants to be with him sexually? It's not even that he's supplementing a relationship with porn, it's that he's choosing it instead of me. He must have a sex drive and desires, just not for me.

Do I leave him?

We spoke about it briefly late last night, which wasn't ideal as I don't think we really got anywhere.

I'm considering asking him to stop watching it for a while, until we're a bit closer again, in the hopes that it will reignite some sort of sexual feeling for me.

BUT . . . I'm not sure I'll be able to shake the feeling that he's having sex with me because he has to, that I'm second-best to porn. And I very much doubt that thought will allow me to actually enjoy having sexual with him.

He also said he does find me attractive and wants to have sex with me; but yes, it's quite likely that he's saying this to spare my feelings when in reality his sexual feelings for me aren't there anymore. It's also scary - once that's out there, we'd need to decide what to do. He probably doesn't want to risk losing his home/family set-up.

OP are you me? We are in the exact same situation and it's totally shit!

When my DH says that to me I don't believe him, I think he's lying to save face and because he knows the alternative answer would end our marriage. If you fancied someone you'd want to be intimate with them.

I've tried everything, chatting about it, not chatting about it, drs visits, requests to stop porn to see if it made a difference.

Pity sex is worse than no sex, I hate the idea that it's basically forced. I want to have sex with someone who desires me, not just jumping through as hoop as required. The thought of him wanking away to porn is now so horrifyingly repulsive and disrespectful that I'd walk if I could guarantee financial stability. It's totally a taboo topic, I tell no one.

So basically I've no advice other than being in solidarity with you.

It's not that you're second best to porn, sex is totally different to porn. I know i sound like an apologist but I'm not, i think porn is really destructive. But sex is real intimacy, love, sharing yourself. Porn is a plaster like alcohol, covering over something wrong with him, maybe fear of intimacy?

Oh @bushby all that sounds so familiar. Especially what you said about 'pity sex' - that thought makes my skin crawl. Also - there are bound to be men out there who would WANT to have sex with us. Why would we settle for men who don't want us in that way? I would love to feel desired and wanted again. I miss it so much.

But then, is sex THAT important? I don't know anymore Are finances really the only thing stopping you from leaving?

I could go, if I wanted. Or ask him to. I'm the main earner and I can afford our mortgage and bills etc. by myself. The thing stopping me is that in all other respects we work well together - the house is pretty harmonious; we're the best of friends etc. And we have our tiny baby - she's only a few months old, the thought of not bringing her up together makes me so sad.

@JazzyJelly I see what you mean. And actually the more I think about it, the more I think he's just lazy. Sex requires a bit more time and effort. And possibly I don't hold enough appeal for him to bother.

I can’t say much on the porn aspect but in regards to sex drive. Myself and my DP have been together for 8 years and my sex drive is low I’ll go through periods of not wanting it but then I’ll have a period where it’s very regular but that’s due to my medication and some weight gain. However, we do talk about it so we both know when the others uncomfortable, so in relation to low sex drive I always try other ways to make sure my DP feels appreciated and loved so frequent kisses, hugs etc. Sounds silly but I still love and fancy him it’s just that sometimes I don’t want sex at all.

Not sure if this has been helpful at all.

How old is dd? Some men go a bit funny after watching their partner go through birth. It might still feel raw?
Also does he WANT to want to? or is he happy how it is?

@AhFeckWhatDoIDoNow I know the dilemma very well, just as you say. I see saw from one side to the other, that I'm wasting my life and deserve someone who wants me as a husband should want his wife. But then as you say, we are best friends, we get on well in all other respects and we have a small DS. I would have to likely put myself into poverty in the short term and have DS in full time childcare whilst I maximised my earnings.

So yes mostly financial but id miss him as a live in coparent if that makes sense, in a practical view. Life would be harder on my own in many ways.

What I'm finding increasingly is that I am so angry about it, about being what I see as disrespected in my own home. He left semen splashed around his car during lockdown and I wouldn't have normally seen but my car broke down. It's humiliating even typing that. I am furious that I'm being robbed of a normal loving marriage and have to deal with this kind of shit. Im finding I can't get over that anger, it's not there all the time but it's there enough that basically I keep coming back to it. I can't get over it. Part of me also expects that he will one day meet someone who he does want to have sex with and I'll have been a mug all along.

I'm worried too that it's not a healthy relationship as an example to my DS, with parents more like flatmates than spouses. I'm also worried that splitting would have an adverse effect on him.

I think @JazzyJelly is correct but like you I obviously don't appeal enough to do anything any differently. There seems to be a basic level of respect missing, in terms of being discreet with their behaviour.

So basically no answers but love and support for you @AhFeckWhatDoIDoNow

@babyllamazen

A friend of DH said watching his DP give birth was like watching his favourite pub burn down

They are vile creatures aren't they

I would have an issue with anyone who masturbated to the filmed rape and sexual assault of trafficked women. Anyone who regularly consumes porn will have watched that. Maybe your DH (and apparently most of society) could do some research into porn, how it is made, funded, where the actors come from, and the effect of pornography on relationships and society. If he's still willing to use it, and to neglect his own relationship in the meantime, I'm afraid I couldn't live with that.

I think you should gone it another try, but you do need to make clear to him how you feel about pity sex etc. You are right to tell him to stop the porn for as long as it takes for his desire to return, shouldn't be more than two weeks at most at his age.

If it works out you both need to be clear that sex must not drop off the agenda again, my DW and I agreed when our DC were young that we should try not to go more than a week without. And we've pretty much stuck to that, looking back on it now, about 15 years later, I think it was one of the best decisions we ever made. Yes we sometimes had sex when one of us wasn't really keen on the idea but the feeling that your DP is always there for you in that respect cannot be matched by anything else in terms of the closeness and commitment it brings to your relationship.

Well from here on in I suggest you serve him a supermarket ready meal in its packet or a ready made sandwich at every meal. Meanwhile the rest of you eat cooked food. Then just tell him you couldn't be arsed making the effort for you', don't do any of his washing because you couldn't be arsed. Go out without him and dont bother telling him.

Or tell him your going on tinder. Prick.

Up to you. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that thinks porn is OK as my opinion of him would just be too low.

Google porn addiction, you will get a clear psychological explanation and advice.

This is all about him isn't it? He doesn't want to have sex. He likes to wank off to porn. He knows you're upset about it. He knows you want a physical relationship, intimacy. But he chooses to ignore your needs and focus on his own. So what does that tell you? A caring and loving partner cares, and does their best to make you happy and loved and cared for and desired. He KNOWS you are unhappy. And still does NOTHING. It's up to you what you do about it. But don't wake up one day, years down the line, thinking you've made a big mistake hoping it will get better. Don't wake up one day feeling angry you've wasted years of your life.
Your needs matter. Your feelings matter. And if I, a stranger on the internet can see that, why can't your husband?

Plum has it exactly. A relationship should be about really noticing the other person and engaging with them not just sexually but with time, attention, caring and actively trying to strengthen the bond between you.

Your H prefers to withdraw from all of that, including the sex, in favour of spending his time alone looking at porn. The only relationship he is in is with himself.

@cosmicbabe

Well he does have desire, with porn... Id ask him to stop using Porn and start using you but honestly I'd feel totally deflated and unattractive. Obviously I don't know what he or you look like but there's clearly a problem...

This was my marriage. Soul destroying. I ended it and still haven't recovered fully years later

@Vodkacranberryplease

Well from here on in I suggest you serve him a supermarket ready meal in its packet or a ready made sandwich at every meal. Meanwhile the rest of you eat cooked food. Then just tell him you couldn't be arsed making the effort for you', don't do any of his washing because you couldn't be arsed. Go out without him and dont bother telling him.

Or tell him your going on tinder. Prick.

Love this. Do it OP. Or just ditch. Life is short.

I divorced my ex husband, mainly because of his abusive behaviour. Part of which was watching porn a lot. Sometimes I found he'd rather stay downstairs watching porn rather than be intimate with me. When we did have sex, he seemed to want to reenact what he'd seen on the videos.

If your H is unwilling to do anything about this, then it would be the end for me.

It’s porn addiction. Been there as a partner, got the T-shirt. It’s not about how you look, it’s all about him and what watching porn has done to his brain. Google it.
If he’s willing to see this, you have hope. He needs to stop watching it 100%. Treat as any other addiction. The difficulty is that addictions are hard to break and he may not want to.
If he doesn’t give porn up, things won’t change.