Relationship with my parents faltering since birth of DS3

[Mummyoply]

Since having my DS3 my parent’s behaviour has changed or perhaps they have always been this way and I have become less tolerant.

I’d like advice about how to repair our relationship before things breakdown any further.

I have always been very close to both of my parents. My son is their first grandchild and I was excited to tell them they were going to be grandparents. They were shocked (no idea why I was 39 and had been married for 5 years) and throughout my pregnancy they never asked about me or my son.

When DS3 was born they were happy and for a little while things were ok, but as he grew and needed nap and feed times they became difficult to be around. They would ‘accidentally’ wake him up, distract him from eating etc. If I said “he’s getting tired” they would scoff and roll their eyes. In fact they would scoff and roll their eyes at most things I said. To this day they have never told me I am a good mother - perhaps because they don’t think I am. I once got upset and told them about how they made me feel. It didn’t help, my dad shouted at me, said I’m ungrateful and how dare I say they upset me when they paid for my wedding, buy me nice presents and
helped me go to university. They did pay for some of it but I paid for a lot of my wedding and worked 3 jobs during my uni days. I thanked them so much for these things at the time that my dad told me off for thanking them too much. I tried to pay them back for this with a regular monthly payment but they refused. I have since asked them not to buy presents for me or my husband anymore. I can’t risk it being thrown back in my face again as it’s too hurtful. This conversation did stop the eye rolling but nothing else changed.

They are both poor communicators my mum lies a lot ( nothing major, I’m not sure she realises she’s doing it a lot of the time) and shouts or cries to deflect or get her own way and my dad won’t speak at all most of the time. I can’t remember the last time he spoke directly to me. He hasn’t wished me happy birthday for 3 years and neither of them have made any attempt to see me on my birthday for the past 3 years either. This year they came to my house when they knew I would be at work and dropped of an incredibly expensive pair of earrings for me. I now have to go to their house to take them back, which makes me feel very anxious.

They come for Christmas but make no attempt to enjoy themselves. I always cook the food they like, but mum will just pick at it and say she’s not hungry.

Since our relationship has started to breakdown, it’s made me think about the past more and the things my parents have done over the years that have made me feel bad that I’ve perhaps brushed under the carpet. I’m slowly letting go of these things/feelings and want to move on and make our relationship better. I know they won’t instigate this so I need to, but how? It would be easy to walk away but what good would that do. I saw a counsellor but she just kept telling me to tell my mum that I needed a hug from her, which I can’t do yet

In other respects my life is wonderful even in these difficult times, my son is amazing ( as all mums think of their children) my husband is too and is very supportive. I have a nice home and good job.

And yet, this issue with my parents consumes so much of me, of my time, my energy, my thoughts. How do I start carving a path to positive change?

Parents or not I cannot understand why you would want a relationship with anyone who disrespected you like this. They are narcs and you are better off without them.

Maybe don't necessarily think you need counselling? Maybe take a look through the Anna Runkle site, of short sensible free you tube talks, especially the most popular and the more recent, and the ones particularly relevant to you? You had parents who for whatever reason were, and will be, more harm than help to you, and will hurt your feelings and those of your children. They weren't grossly, or even deliberately, abusive, but they were and are bullies. You could go no contact, or you could cut it to the minimum duration, and stop having Christmas spoiled, too. Arrange to go away, or say so. You could redress the power imbalance especially with the performance of dutifully observing your dad's birthday while he ignores yours. With anyone else, what would you do? You and they are all grown up equals.

@20mum thank you for this perspective and advice. I hadn't planned on having counselling. I didn't have counselling before but I did have a course of professional coaching with someone who was a trained counsellor and discussed my parents with her because it was just always on my mind.

I will have a look at the videos you have suggested, I have also ordered a book recommended by another poster. Until recently I have also accepted this type of behaviour from 'friends' but I have now stopped that and no longer have friendships that aren't equal and fulfilling. I don't want to go NC as I don't think a lot of what my parents do is a conscious decision, for example my mum doesn't even realise she is lying most of the time - it's just so ingrained in who she is. Their behaviours are also exacerbated by their poor communication skills. I'm not making excuses for them just trying to explain.

Coaches aren't counsellors and coaches absolutely shouldn't be counselling OP, it's very much against their code of ethics. I'm only telling you this so you know it's OK to disregard your coach's advice.

Hi OP - I think that you would find this book a really good read. It seems that you are only now expressing / seeing the deeply emotionally neglectful behaviours of your DPs through your son. Your parents are very flawed and this will have left you with areas of emotional development deficit. Your DM sounds like a v petulant child and emotionally is about 5. Your DF sounds deliberately contrary and controlling. They both know what they are doing and it does you and your DS no favours to minimise by JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) - nothing EXCUSES their behaviour to you as a child or to your DS. It’s interesting that it is now you are noticing this is wrong - because this would be the age in child development - 3 (and the age your DS is now) that we see ourselves as separate from our parents. I am v sad to hear your DS is being dismissed and devalued in his interactions with them - no child should have to be exposed to this unsettling negativity - especially when they first start to communicate enthusiastically to people they trust. This will wound him.

It’s hard for you also to come to terms that they were and always will be inadequate at best and neglectful, abusive and manipulative at worst.

www.amazon.co.uk/s/?hvlocphy=9046070&hvptwo&hvnetw=g&keywords=book+wish+your+parents+had+read&hvadid=372387773458&index=aps&hvpone&gclid=CjwKCAjwgdX4BRB_EiwAg8O8HaCKviyV2NBkQkjZ_E0hSfbAMKAJktPSR1Xt8zqLsVmsAnNSZ-a5qRoCnEAQAvD_BwE&ref=pd_sl_3znh4zwfyw_b&hvlocint&hydadcr=13664_1820728&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt=b&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&hvtargid=kwd-783913114720&adgrpid=73879621382&hvrand=1570346421876785316

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett thank you, she is a trained counsellor. I am in the medical profession so aware of qualifications etc, I was just clarifying the reason I went to see her. We didn't discuss my parents in great depth as our focus was my professional development but I did bring it up as it was usually on my mind and I needed to 'Clear' my head before I could engage in the coaching.

I'm not really sure if I want to see a counsellor/therapist - it feels a bit indulgent!

@Sssloou thank you for your kindness I will pop off and look at your recommendation now

@Sssloou thank you for your kindness I will pop off and look at your recommendation now

You write that your parents are poor communicators. Your parents are absolutely typical of what narcissists do to their target and you have been harmed emotionally by these people. It is not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking. I hope you do not go onto subject your own self, let alone your son here, to them.

Abuse though is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. These two people still want absolute over you. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so always need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you. I realise their behaviour isn't acceptable.

I am unsure how much of what they do they are aware of, it's very ingrained in their personalities, I know this isn't an excuse, but it is a factor.

They are reflective, sentient beings - they are capable of choosing their behaviours.

That will be v hard for you to come to terms with - it involves a lot of sorrow and grief to be processed that they emotionally subjugated you in childhood.

You can spend a lifetime trying to understand and explain their behaviours - which achieves nothing - it just keeps you focused on them and you adapting to their dysfunction - rather than putting your focus where it needs to be - on you, on your hurt, wound, neglect and recovery and healing so that you can live a deeper, more fulfilled and emotionally balanced life - where you know your own worth and boundaries and you choose to fill you life and that of your son with emotionally healthy and mutually rewarding people.

Update:

Since returning the gift and explaining to my parents that I feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from them when they show no interest in my life and have no desire to see me, I have had almost no interaction from them!

I visited them on my dads birthday ( he still hasn't wished me happy birthday) and I FaceTime them twice a week so they can speak to my son ( I am going to reduce this to once a week). They never ask how anyone is or take an interest in our lives, i find their behaviour very strange. I hate calling them as it's really awkward and they just don't speak to me at all, even if my son is sat on my knee when we FaceTime. I can 'feel' that my dad is angry with me, I assume because I returned the gift but that's just a guess. My husband things they are gearing up for an argument and both he and I are keen to avoid this, as it will result in NC but I still think there is a solution to this and a way forward to a better relationship but I just can't see/find it...............

I'm sorry to say that I think NC is your best solution here.

You need to soul search here. What is it that you get from this relationship with your parents? What will your child miss if contact is reduced or stops? What could you do with the emotional effort or time you spend on them if directed elsewhere? They seem like a very negative influence in your life, feels as though they will only cause you unhappiness....you aren't obliged to make yourself regularly available so they can make you feel bad.

Hi op. They are narcissists. They can't love. Get away from them for your sake and your child's sake.

Stop the FaceTime. They are facehuggers sucking out all the joy in your life. Don't let them do this to your child. Think of why your DM always as to be Elevenerife just like Tenerife but one better to you or your son. It's not healthy. Stay away and stop engaging.

Jesus OP,
Some great advice above....but....

You are so desperately needy of these people, who really have zero regard for you.

Your mother kept saying you didn't want children so you didn't have a child for years.....unbelievable

They are batshit and sound genuinely ghastly.

Your posts read as if you have so many blessings in your life, with your son, husband, marriage, career, all great successes......

.......but you are absolutely spoiling all this joy, by running after these awful people and forcing them on your poor child.

Get some decent therapy.

It is NOT indulgent.

It's desperately required IMO.

Your son NEEDS for you to have therapy so that you might see the wood from the trees.

Stop forcing these awful, narcissistic people on your son, twice a week.

You need to stop focusing your energy on your parents and your non relationship with them and start focusing on helping yourself, for your sake and your son's.

These happy years are being blown by you focusing on your parents.

Stop trying to fix them.
They are broken and not fixable.

Focus on giving your child a better childhood than the one you clearly didn't have.

Good luck.

They never ask how anyone is or take an interest in our lives, i find their behaviour very strange. I hate calling them as it's really awkward and they just don't speak to me at all, even if my son is sat on my knee when we FaceTime. I can 'feel' that my dad is angry with me, I assume because I returned the gift but that's just a guess. My husband things they are gearing up for an argument and both he and I are keen to avoid this, as it will result in NC but I still think there is a solution to this and a way forward to a better relationship but I just can't see/find it...............

As Billy said they are stealing these precious finite years of motherhood from you and your son. All of their actions and your responses show how emotionally hijacked your life is by them - your DF seething with quiet disapproval as you and your DH adapt and squirm - tap dancing away to avoid his eruption. That tension and threat of volatility is what controlled your childhood - to make you compliant.

All DCs need warmth, encouragement, enthusiasm to develop a confident secure self. They are programmed to lap it up. We lay down our emotional framework from the caregivers in our external world. We are like sponges and mirror and reflect these inputs.

These people are cold, dismissive, unkind and cruel - do not expose any child to them as they will absorb and internalise these emotions and it will erode their joy, purity and self esteem.

Have a read of the Phillippa Perry book to learn about emotional parenting because the blueprint you have from your parents is totally of kilter - and even if you do the opposite it won’t be right.

Exposing your DC to such toxic characters is the emotional equivalent of letting him play on the side of the motorway - they will cause him great harm and damage.

You yourself have worked hard over decades to change all of the negative behaviours that their parenting entrenched in you - you DS doesn’t need to repeat that journey.

No contact is the best solution here mummyoply, it really is. There is no solving the intractable problem of the narcissist and their willing enabler, this here being your dad. You are protecting your son from Bad Things. Blood is not binding here.

Please drop all facetime to them, its not doing you or your son any favours at all. Like many adult children of narcissists you have fallen into the trap of wanting them to behave better this time around despite your experiences with them and all other evidence to the contrary.

The very worst thing you can do here for your son, your most precious resource, is to keep on at all exposing him to your toxic narcissistic parents. It will harm him in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed by them.

I hope by now too you have found another (and a preferably BACP registered) therapist to work with, the other person you saw was not at all versed in the ways of narcissistic family structures. Whoever you see must have NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

You were trained by your mother and her enabler of a husband to put your own self last with them being front and centre in your head. They will never give you the approval you perhaps still seek even now. It is NOT your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Their own families did that lot of damage to them.