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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you survive the guilt?

44 replies

Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 12:03

When I leave dh it will be entirely from my side - he won’t want it. The children won’t want it. I feel immensely selfish and guilty but I’ve tried and tried to check back in and I can’t. The thought of spending time with dh makes me panicky. I’ve always been slightly afraid of him, although for no real reason I suppose. He’s never physically harmed me, he likes his own way. He tells me I’m never allowed to leave him and if I left him and met someone else he’d find us as kill us. But it’s said jokingly. It’s a joke maybe.
He doesn’t do much with the dc and never has and that’s my main stumbling block. If I leave how will the dc cope? I mean they will come with me, but when he has them for access. Minimum will be every other weekend and it could be more. I don’t doubt he loves them but his input is minimal. He would argue he supports us financially and works hard. I can’t disagree with that but I have no access to joint finances and never have. I have what he gives me. He says the house and everything in it is his. He owns it and us.
He’s not a terrible person, he will be devastated - I’m so scared of all of it if I’m honest.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 12:10

Wow. First of all he does not own you. He does not own your children and he does not own your house.

Don't let this gaslighter stop you from having a better life. I think you need to see a solicitor and find out what your rights are. You say have no access to joint finances.. why? If they are joint as you say, then how did this come about?

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 12:16

Sorry I mean there aren’t any joint finances.
I have no access to anything other than what he gives to me.
He often tells the dc it’s his house, his tv etc. It’s not how I would choose to speak to them but I suppose people are different. I don’t think there’s malice in it. He says to ds that he’s a drain until he can pay some bills himself - but it’s a joke. I think.
I don’t like being told I’m his. He will hold onto me and say ‘whose is this nice piece of ass? It’s mine.’ I don’t like it but I’ve never out and out told him so... it’s not something I’ve seen modelled to me anywhere else but I don’t know what happens between other couples.
We’ve been together for 17 years.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 12:19

Gosh. How on earth have you put up with this for so long?

Are you a SAHM ? Even so you should have a bank account. What happens to your child benefit?

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 12:23

I’m a SAHM
Dh earns too much for child benefit.

OP posts:
iamthrough · 15/07/2020 12:43

Wow - there are so many red flags here almost too many to mention.
Are you married OP? If so, regardless of what your partner is claiming every asset you have a a couple is counted as a marital asset, your house, processions, cars and any pension he has.
I would suggest before you tell anyone you are thinking of leaving have a plan. Try to obtain copies of any financial documents and go along to a solicitor for some advice - most will offer a free consultation. If he earns a high enough income to disqualify you for Child benefit there are likely to be savings or investments somewhere - and you will be entitled to some.
Try to start saving small amounts of money from what he gives you - whatever happens when you do finally tell him its over it sounds like things may get nasty for you and you may need access to some cash quickly.
I wish you the best of luck. Regardless of your reasons for coming to this decision to leave you know that its the right thing for you by the sounds of things - and the guilt will pass and your kids are resilient - they will be ok! Flowers

SpillTheTeaa · 15/07/2020 12:46

OP he has threatened to kill you that isn't a joke. No one says that as a joke. He's emotionally and financially abusing you. I'm sorry you're going through this but you wouldn't have any guilt to feel. Honestly.

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 12:47

I just find it hard because I won’t be able to afford to take them places or do things with them.
I could end up working all the hours in a minimum wage job and they could end up in childcare round the clock. Dh might get them at the weekends and will be able to afford whatever he wants - he could take them anywhere. I find this disparity hard.
But it’s his money so that’s how it is. I don’t want anything from him, it will turn nasty but the more money I ask from him the nastier it will get.
I’m just bored. I don’t feel like he’s a partner to me. He lies on the sofa with his remote watching his tv. That’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 12:48

I don’t think it’s abuse as such, do people not say these sorts of things jokingly? I don’t like the undertone of it. I don’t like being told I belong to him and I’m not allowed to leave but it’s never said in anger or anything.
I am wary of him but I don’t know why. I hold part of myself back a lot of the time.

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 15/07/2020 12:50

He sounds horribly abuse to me and I doubt the kids will miss him much either.

user1493413286 · 15/07/2020 12:51

There are lots of red flags in what you’re saying and I’m not sure you’ve realised how unhealthy and controlling this; I’m not surprised he makes you feel panicky. I think your subconscious realises something that you haven’t quite realised.
First step is see a solicitor - it’s not just his house, it’s both of yours, get a fair settlement. He will either need to step up his parenting when he sees the children or realistically he’ll rely on a family member or new girlfriend to help.

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 12:52

You could begin by going to the Citizens Advice Bureaux. They might give you some help in finding a solicitor. If he keeps you short of money you are going to need free legal advice.
Please do something proactive

madcatladyforever · 15/07/2020 12:53

He is absolutely an abuser, don't ever doubt it.
You are afraid of him.
He has threatened to kill you and another party - that isn't a "joke". If it was I don't find it funny.
He financially abuses you.
He doesn't do anything except go to work.
He cannot be bothered to put anything into your marriage.
You should leave him and you should also go to your local police station and express your concerns about these so called jokey threats in case it escalates. They can fit panic alarms into your new home if needed.
You don't need to ask him for money, the CMA will approach him for it. he has to pay for his children, he doesn't get to choose.
Working to support your family does not mean he gets to do sod all with his family. He is just lazy.
You will feel amazing once you've dumped this useless baggage.

4amWitchingHour · 15/07/2020 12:56

It is definitely abuse. He is financially and emotionally abusive - take a look at the definition of coercive control. Don't feel guilty for leaving - you will be giving you and your children a better life.

If it takes you a while to get out, start claiming child benefit now anyway - it would need to be paid back while you're still with him but it means you get National Insurance credits which go towards your state pension. You could just put it in an account and not touch it, but the pension means safeguarding your future.

Please leave. Talk to women's aid, look at the support you could get. You could have a much happier future x

PatriciaHolm · 15/07/2020 12:56

if you are married, then no, it's not all his. He may say that, but the law disagrees.

He sounds abusive, and no, he's not joking. He sees you as his property, not a person.

RandomMess · 15/07/2020 12:57

He is an abuser and is emotionally and financially abusive hence you being afraid of him!

No my DH has never said he owns me, never said it's his house, never said he'd kill me...

namechange12a · 15/07/2020 12:59

OP you need support to leave safely as he's threatened to kill you. Can you contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some advice.

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 13:06

I’m scared to tell him I want to leave.
Is that normal?
He does love the children. He wants to take them on holiday. He’s affectionate with them although it’s sometimes transactional.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 15/07/2020 13:07

Yes, it's perfectly normal when your life has been threatened and those of your children. Please contact someone and get support. Do not tell him you want to leave or give him any indication you are thinking about it.

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 13:10

He’s said things before like no one else is allowed a ‘go on me.’ I just don’t like it - I know it’s a joke but I don’t like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 13:12

Again I have no point of reference. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was 20 when we married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 13:17

It’s just hard because it’s all I know.
Maybe I take it the wrong way.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 15/07/2020 13:21

The further apart you become the more you will see how badly he is treating you.

namechange12a · 15/07/2020 13:21

Why don't you discuss it with someone? You can speak to someone on the Women's Aid chat service or Refuge chat service. You can speak to them anonymously and ask them if threatening to kill you and claiming ownership of you is considered normal in relationships.

Purplewithred · 15/07/2020 13:21

Do you remember the bit in your marriage vows that went something like “all that I have I share with you”. That bit reflects the bit in law that says that everything owned by either party in the marriage belongs jointly to the two of you.

I divorced a man who was financially, emotionally and sexually controlling/borderline abusive and I can tell you it is both doable and so very well worth it. It might be scary and difficult at the beginning but stick with it and you will be so very happy you did (and so will your children, it turns out).

Sadly he is abusive - your inability to access information about your property (savings, income etc) is abusive. And that does mean that while you are leaving him he might ramp up the attempts to control and abuse you.

Do get help with leaving as per excellent advice above. Is there any way you can at least get information about the bank accounts held in his name? Do you know the name of his employer, pension company etc?

Original poster
Raccoon1984 · 15/07/2020 13:23

Does it not depend on how it’s said though?
It’s never shouted or said in anger.
It’s literally like he will just grab hold of me and say you’re mine and you’re never allowed to leave me.
Or you’re never allowed to meet anyone else - if you did i’d Find you and kill you both.

OP posts: