How do you survive the guilt?

[Raccoon1984]

When I leave dh it will be entirely from my side - he won’t want it. The children won’t want it. I feel immensely selfish and guilty but I’ve tried and tried to check back in and I can’t. The thought of spending time with dh makes me panicky. I’ve always been slightly afraid of him, although for no real reason I suppose. He’s never physically harmed me, he likes his own way. He tells me I’m never allowed to leave him and if I left him and met someone else he’d find us as kill us. But it’s said jokingly. It’s a joke maybe.
He doesn’t do much with the dc and never has and that’s my main stumbling block. If I leave how will the dc cope? I mean they will come with me, but when he has them for access. Minimum will be every other weekend and it could be more. I don’t doubt he loves them but his input is minimal. He would argue he supports us financially and works hard. I can’t disagree with that but I have no access to joint finances and never have. I have what he gives me. He says the house and everything in it is his. He owns it and us.
He’s not a terrible person, he will be devastated - I’m so scared of all of it if I’m honest.

OP I'm not sure how much clearer I can express myself. Him grabbing you and threatening to kill you shows that he is a very dangerous man and you need professional help and support to leave.

Please don't tell him that you have any plans to leave. Speak to a domestic abuse organisation about making a safety plan. My advice to you is to go to a refuge which is in a secret location, there are support workers there who can advise on what to do from there.

You and the life of your children are in danger and you need to start making plans to get away.

At some level you know he means it, why else would you be scared?

What kind of love or marriage is it if you are scared of him?

I know I don’t like it when he says it - it’s not how my dad ever spoke to my mum. I don’t like being told I’m not allowed to leave. I don’t like being referred to as his piece of ass. I don’t like the children being told nothing is theirs and he earns all the money and do everything is his.

OP I have a relationship with my man, a proper one. He's not perfect by a long chalk. Sometimes he is a stranger to soap and he can't cook, he is useless at housework, but he makes a cracking cup of tea. We talk and he makes me laugh and I like his company. I look forward to seeing him at the end of a working day.
He is kind and supportive. He's always there if I need him. Never once has he said anything nasty to me.

When I read what you have written I can't relate to any of it. There is no comparison I can make and that is why I am so shocked that you are sticking with him and not running as fast as you can and getting away from this abuser.

Leave him please.

Hi, OP.

Research types of abuse and see if you recognise your relationship in any of them.

Domestic abuse charities will help you to process what you are going through, if you ask them.

in answer to your question about guilt, I think therapeutic support would help you to reposition your thinking so that you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

He is controlling, he achieves that without shouting etc doesn't mean it isn't controlling or abusive.

My ex BIL was like towards SIL it was horrid, really horrid.

Like everyone else has said, he is abusive, and you are not to blame for wanting to leave. He is disrespectful and insulting and has no doubt indoctrinated you into believing that he is always right but that it just not true. He doesn't have to hit you or shout at you to be abusive. His methods of control are more subtle than that probably because you are so accustomed to bowing down to him. Please leave, your children will not blame you, they will probably thrive once they are away from his everyday influence. You said your Father neer behaved like this to your Mother. Can you imagine what seeing your Husband behaving like this to you is doing to your childrens view of what is a normal family! If you have daughters they are being told they are a possession to be used and treated however their partner wants. If you have son's they are being taught that they can treat their partners like a sub-species only suitable to sever them. Is that really what you want your children to think? If you told your parents precisely how he treats you do you think they would be happy and agree that he is right and you are worthless? Please ask yourself these questions.

It's not joking when he says all these horrible things to you, I am surprised that you think like that. He sounds like an ultra controlling person, with a deeply embedded control mindset.

You are obviously worried and upset about everything,so you need to think seriously,if you can continue with all the things that you have mentioned. as in attitude,and money matters etc.

It is hard to leave if you have no good resources to do so, but you need happiness in your life,for yourself and children.

What happens if you say 'please don't refer to me as a piece of ass, I find it insulting'

Op he IS abusive.

What you have said is very clear, he is wrong, nasty and dangerous.

You have no point of reference to see it, but your life can be different and so much better without him.

He ia teaching your children terrible attitudes in the way he refers to you and to them.

As another pp said he promised to love and cherish you, to share all he has with you.

Please, please take a look around at other couples this is not normal behaviour.
Be very careful, start trying to discretly find out financial information, bank accounts, mortgages, pension details, all he has is half yours as you are married.

Lastly let the scales fall from your eyes, he is not your ruler, he is not in charge of you, you CAN make other choices and for both your and your childrens sake, quietly plan your escape.

Good luck op.

Okay OP - as PP have made clear, what you are describing is an abusive relationship. He hasn't been physically violent but that's probably because you have always let him have his way - have no doubt that he is capable of physical violence if he needs to be. But the comments about owning you, about you and the DCs belonging to him, that he would find you and kill you if you ever left him, that the house and everything in it is his - those statements are abusive and he is inflicting emotional and psychological violence on you and your DCs in making those statements. He might paint these statements as jokes but remember the saying "many a true word spoken in jest" - this is how he chooses to remind you of what he truly feels. You are right to be scared of him. Healthy, decent men do not make these kinds of jokes. In a healthy marriage, one spouse does not fear the other.

Even though you got together with this man very young and have known nothing different in marriage, your instincts are strong and they are telling you this is wrong and you need to get away. You need to be careful about it. You must NOT talk to him in advance. If you tried to talk to him, that might well be the moment at which he decides to get physical with you.

One step at a time, OP. You might find it helpful to take the following steps:

KEEP YOUR PLANS TO LEAVE COMPLETELY SECRET FROM YOUR HUSBAND He may try to harm you or even kill you if you share them with him.

1. Speak to Woman's Aid - describe what you have been experiencing. They will confirm that what you are experiencing is abuse. They will also be able to provide all kinds of advice and support. Their website is a very good starting place including with advice on making your get away (what to pack and so forth): www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447928982294-e2f74007-ab73

1. Speak to the police and tell them about his behaviour and his threats. Ask to speak to officers who are trained in domestic violence. They will know just how serious such threats are.

1. Do you have a trusted person you can talk to IRL? Someone who properly understands what you are experiencing and will support you? If so, you may find it helpful to reach out to them too.

Your desire to leave is good and healthy. You will get there. Plan carefully if you have the time but if you need to leave in a hurry, just grab your DCs and go. You might want to have a bag packed with vital items for just such an eventuality if you can keep it hidden from your husband (but obviously don't do that if there is any risk that he will find it). If you have a trusted friend or relative, you may be able to store some items at their house. But in the end, it is you and the DCs which need to be got out safely - everything else can be replaced, but not you.

This type (the ones who think their partner and kids are their possessions) need to be left in a very well planned, thought out, safety conscious way .. at all times. You need to speak to women's aid or the police privately about this, telling them about his "jokey" threat and his view that he owns you and the children.

@Raccoon1984

I’m a SAHM Dh earns too much for child benefit.

Please please please say you've still been applying for it so you'll get a state pension?

he earns all the money and do everything is his.

Well then he had better pay you for childcare, cleaning/housework, cooking, laundry, household organisation, grocery shopping etc etc. Since this isn't a sharing type setup with equal.contributions (of different types) valued.

Oh and the divorce settlement judge may not agree, might come as a little shock to.him.

Not to mention the lost wages and career progression and pension from you not working while doing all the above work. Would he like to compensate that.

OP look up coercive control, it is a crime now and the police will take it seriously. Your lack of access to any money or accounts puts you firmly in this category. Establishing the abuse with the police will be helpful for you because it will enable you to access legal aid, which I think you will need to protect yourself and the dc's. Seek help on how to manage this, lots of good advice has already been given.

Just the lack of access to money would count as this? Coercive control?

You seriously need to get away from that control freak and go out and expand your horizons for you and your children's sake

I think actually it's much worse that when he says you're not allowed to leave it isn't said in anger, sounds like he is just coldly stating a fact. As far as he is concerned you belong to him.

I wish you luck getting out.